To be v worried that DD has been frightened about having baths since incident at her Dads a few months ago...

[NancyPiecrust]

I was just putting DD (nearly 2 but very bright, incredible memory & language skills, very sensitive & intelligent little girl) to bed... she was asleep & then woke up after 5 mins crying.. I went in & said to her "everything's alright" (was thinking neighbours above her bedroom had startled her awake as they are quite stompy) & she was still screaming really loudly, I said to her "shh shh everything's fine ... What's wrong? Are you worried about anything?" (I was thinking neighbours noises scared her) and she said "yes" whilst whimpering, I asked her - "what is it? tell Mummy" & she said "Daddy whacked the boiler" .... hmm
This is an incident that must have happened months ago because her Dad (my ex) had his boiler replaced a while ago but for ages it had been playing up & all I have been told is (after she blurted it out a few weeks ago & I then put 2 and 2 together, knowing what her Dad's like with temper/handling stress...Then I asked him about it & he just told me that they were in the bathroom & she was screaming whilst tired and waiting for her bath...he was trying to run her a bath but the water wouldn't go hot and the boiler kept resetting...(this is frustrating I know I had to deal with it for months when I lived at his house) but he basically just lost it & punched the boiler or whacked it or whatever (it's in the bathroom next to the bath) & I am not sure what else he did like if he shouted at her but she saw this act of aggression, which would have made a very loud noise which she is extra sensitive to but any 2 year old would be frightened of this no? And to see her Dad suddenly switch like this. To me it seems really scary and inappropriate. I am only just piecing this all together in my head so could do with an outsider perspective.
The fact that she's still bringing it up and and still seems traumatised by it now is worrying me a lot, and also that she didn't mention it to me for months, maybe until she had the verbal ability to but instead she seemed to suddenly develop a fear of the bath out of nowhere & I could never work out what it was ! For weeks she would be in the bath & then would suddenly look over under my sink, stand up and scream out of nowhere & say "Out Out ! Out!" And be like shaking with fear and desperate to get out, as if she had just seen a shark swimming towards her or something ! I was baffled & asked her "What is making you scared darling? What is it? What are you looking at? (under the sink)" but she would just cry and cry and cling to me and not tell me anything. Her Dad also told me she has gone off baths & refused to have a bath at his house. Then the next time I was in the bath I saw that there are these exposed pipes under my sink...I realised that must be what she is looking at & thought maybe she thinks it's a snake or something ? So next time I saw her looking at the pipes and whimpering and getting uncomfortable and starting to say "Out ....Out.." I said "Are you looking the this darling?" And pointed at the pipes. She said "Yes I don't like them" and continued being scared. I took her out of the bath & I said "Maybe I will cover them up or get Daddy to cover them up if they are worrying you?" She said "yes cover them up" "Daddy will cover them up" . I then ended up just putting an Abney & Teal sticker over the pipe to make it look more friendly. She seemed happier with this. Anyway another time we were talking about the pipes again (she brings up upsetting stuff often eg. "I fell in the stingy nettles!" Or "Sid pushed me over!" and will say it over and over again to kind of process it I think.
Anyway so yes we were talking about the pipes again & I was saying how "yes we put the sticker there so they look nicer!" and she suddenly came out with "Daddy whacked the boiler". Immediately it all made sense...knowing my ex's temper & problem with his boiler & how he can't stand or handle her crying etc & the bath fear..the fear of the pipes (His boiler has exposed pipes that are next to the bath).....I asked him about it but he didn't explain much. Now I feel like I need him to explain more. She still now doesn't really like baths anymore & only is interested in having one it I go in there with her. Which is really sad because she used to love baths.
So anyway yes this evening going to bed she has now seemed to have another flashback of it & mentioned it again, months after it must have happened. And I suspect I only heard about it weeks or months after it actually happened. Quite worrying.
This evening I then had a long talk with her about it & I told her that grown ups make mistakes & do things that are wrong & that Daddy should never do something like that again & that I am sorry if she was frightened by it. She then said "Mummy wasn't there". I told her it was not her fault & that it was because Daddy was angry with the boiler, not with her.
I am devastated sad I just do not trust him and I am so upset that I was never told about this when it happened & she must have been so frightened. She seems truly traumatised ! What can I do/ What should I do?

[Mummyme1987]

Free solicitor for contact issues through court. Gov.uk has info on this xx

[Mummyme1987]

But as I said go get advice from someone who really knows.

[Witchend]

My db was terrified of white baths at that age. Dm never did work out why. He grew out if it by the time he was about 5yo.

[NameChange30]

"Is it crazy that I still try and see the good in him & hope he could change or that the DV was an isolated incident (it kind of was)"

Yes it is crazy.

I think you are still under his influence and control. You shouldn't be seeing him any more. If you have a good relationship with his mum, and she looks after DD sometimes, why can't he see DD at his mum's place? I actually think you need to insist on supervised contact in a contact centre, but if you're unwilling to do that, it would be better for his mum to facilitate contact rather than you.

I think counselling for you would be a very good idea. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because he's done a lot of damage to your mental and emotional well being, and you could do with some support to heal that damage.

Ask your GP and/or your local Women's Aid about counselling. See if there is a Freedom Programme near you.

You sound terrified of the legal process but I think you'd be pleasantly surprised if you got some specialist advice and found out more. I'm sure it would reassure you to know what might happen. You need to talk to a solicitor with experience in domestic abuse. The free Rights of Women family law helpline is a good place to start. You could also ask your local Women's Aid if they have a solicitors list.

[NameChange30]

PS If you call the RoW helpline you should ask them to send you a copy of Child arrangements and domestic violence: a handbook for women

[NancyPiecrust]

Thanks AnotherEmma that is really helpful advice and I will definitely call them & get a free half hour with a solicitor to discuss my options. I having been feeling for a while that I am still under his influence & that I just need to get away from him & have a fresh start. Every time I tell him he was emotionally abusive or that he was violent he just cannot believe what I am saying and says "you were emotionally abusive, you tried to control me & didn't accept me for who I was, you made me uncomfortable to be in my own home" and says he is not a violent person & has never had an issues violence before he met me. He has said this so many times & ridiculed my claims that he was domestically violent that I just kind of... Feel I would be making too much of a drama to bring it all up again. But now that my daughter is experiencing his temper that is another story. For the record all I ever tried to control about him was his addictions & criminal behaviour which was I was pregnant I found out about & I told him it had to stop. So that he found controlling & limited his freedom so he said he was totally unhappy on the relationship because I just couldn't let him be who he was. But then also at random times he has said stuff like "I will take to my grave what I did to you & I massively regret it" ... But then in the next conversation he will deny it or minimise it or say he doesn't have a problem with his temper or moods or addiction. He did this all the time in couples therapy which made it impossible for us to get anywhere as just as he seemed to almost acknowledge his actions or say sorry... He would then go back on it /makes jokes about Domestic Violence eg. He knocked my new phone onto the floor by accident and then said "oh, I suppose that's classed as domestic violence as well, oops!" And then when my parents were visiting he made a joke in front of everyone like that he had to hit my with be telephone directory or something to minimise the bruises...... I didn't find that very funny considering what had happened only a month before. He also mentioned to mutual friends "oh Nancy thinks I've been domestically violent to her" and laughed... And totally made it sound like nothing so that when they then saw me & heard why we split up that they would think "oh she's crazy it's all in her head" or whatever. With supervised contact in a contact centre they would just think he was fine because to any person on the outside he would never show his true temper.. He does have a lot of contact supervised at his mums house.. He only has her 1 night a week on his own & the next morning. He wants more though. I said no.. When we move I worry he'll want her for whole weekend but I don't think that's appropriate. Maybe I could say she could stay at his Mum's for the weekend but I don't think his Mum would enforce this... If he wanted to take her to his, she would let him. She even told me the DV was my fault & that he is not a violent person. I have a strained relationship with her but it is ok.... I keep it civil for sake of my DD as DD loves her so much & also she has given me a lot of support.. Except in the relationship breakup obvs !!