I was just putting DD (nearly 2 but very bright, incredible memory & language skills, very sensitive & intelligent little girl) to bed... she was asleep & then woke up after 5 mins crying.. I went in & said to her "everything's alright" (was thinking neighbours above her bedroom had startled her awake as they are quite stompy) & she was still screaming really loudly, I said to her "shh shh everything's fine ... What's wrong? Are you worried about anything?" (I was thinking neighbours noises scared her) and she said "yes" whilst whimpering, I asked her - "what is it? tell Mummy" & she said "Daddy whacked the boiler" .... hmm
This is an incident that must have happened months ago because her Dad (my ex) had his boiler replaced a while ago but for ages it had been playing up & all I have been told is (after she blurted it out a few weeks ago & I then put 2 and 2 together, knowing what her Dad's like with temper/handling stress...Then I asked him about it & he just told me that they were in the bathroom & she was screaming whilst tired and waiting for her bath...he was trying to run her a bath but the water wouldn't go hot and the boiler kept resetting...(this is frustrating I know I had to deal with it for months when I lived at his house) but he basically just lost it & punched the boiler or whacked it or whatever (it's in the bathroom next to the bath) & I am not sure what else he did like if he shouted at her but she saw this act of aggression, which would have made a very loud noise which she is extra sensitive to but any 2 year old would be frightened of this no? And to see her Dad suddenly switch like this. To me it seems really scary and inappropriate. I am only just piecing this all together in my head so could do with an outsider perspective.
The fact that she's still bringing it up and and still seems traumatised by it now is worrying me a lot, and also that she didn't mention it to me for months, maybe until she had the verbal ability to but instead she seemed to suddenly develop a fear of the bath out of nowhere & I could never work out what it was ! For weeks she would be in the bath & then would suddenly look over under my sink, stand up and scream out of nowhere & say "Out Out ! Out!" And be like shaking with fear and desperate to get out, as if she had just seen a shark swimming towards her or something ! I was baffled & asked her "What is making you scared darling? What is it? What are you looking at? (under the sink)" but she would just cry and cry and cling to me and not tell me anything. Her Dad also told me she has gone off baths & refused to have a bath at his house. Then the next time I was in the bath I saw that there are these exposed pipes under my sink...I realised that must be what she is looking at & thought maybe she thinks it's a snake or something ? So next time I saw her looking at the pipes and whimpering and getting uncomfortable and starting to say "Out ....Out.." I said "Are you looking the this darling?" And pointed at the pipes. She said "Yes I don't like them" and continued being scared. I took her out of the bath & I said "Maybe I will cover them up or get Daddy to cover them up if they are worrying you?" She said "yes cover them up" "Daddy will cover them up" . I then ended up just putting an Abney & Teal sticker over the pipe to make it look more friendly. She seemed happier with this. Anyway another time we were talking about the pipes again (she brings up upsetting stuff often eg. "I fell in the stingy nettles!" Or "Sid pushed me over!" and will say it over and over again to kind of process it I think.
Anyway so yes we were talking about the pipes again & I was saying how "yes we put the sticker there so they look nicer!" and she suddenly came out with "Daddy whacked the boiler". Immediately it all made sense...knowing my ex's temper & problem with his boiler & how he can't stand or handle her crying etc & the bath fear..the fear of the pipes (His boiler has exposed pipes that are next to the bath).....I asked him about it but he didn't explain much. Now I feel like I need him to explain more. She still now doesn't really like baths anymore & only is interested in having one it I go in there with her. Which is really sad because she used to love baths.
So anyway yes this evening going to bed she has now seemed to have another flashback of it & mentioned it again, months after it must have happened. And I suspect I only heard about it weeks or months after it actually happened. Quite worrying.
This evening I then had a long talk with her about it & I told her that grown ups make mistakes & do things that are wrong & that Daddy should never do something like that again & that I am sorry if she was frightened by it. She then said "Mummy wasn't there". I told her it was not her fault & that it was because Daddy was angry with the boiler, not with her.
I am devastated sad I just do not trust him and I am so upset that I was never told about this when it happened & she must have been so frightened. She seems truly traumatised ! What can I do/ What should I do?
AIBU?
To be v worried that DD has been frightened about having baths since incident at her Dads a few months ago...
NancyPiecrust · 17/05/2016 22:18
Mummyme1987 -- what would CAFCASS say in regards to the DV etc to the judge....?
I am just shit scared of any legal matters. Is it crazy that I still try and see the good in him & hope he could change or that the DV was an isolated incident (it kind of was) .....I just don't want to be labeled as 'the person who took his daughter away' or have to explain to my daughter when she's older why she doesn't see her Dad or why her Dad hates me or why we can't be in the same room as each other etc etc. I still just this last year have been trying to 'keep the peace' at the expense of my own feelings (it distresses me/upsets me/mindfucks me to see him all the time) because I didn't want to take him away from her or her away from him. I didn't want to make a huge drama and upheaval for my daughter to be in the middle of. I thought I could sort of handle it on my own & I was worried that he would turn really nasty and go the legal route if I told anyone in a professional position about the DV. When I told him I was going to call the police he said he should have called the police on me for screaming at him in his own home. (I wasn't screaming I had my voice raised as we were having a diagreement) and he maintains that he 'had to move me onto the bed' which is untrue & a very watered down version of what he did.
What I am worried about it why is my daughter seeming to have nightmares or mention this incident with the boiler months and months after it happened? I mean her memory is astounding I know...she still mentions people she hasn't seen for a year and who I haven't talked about ! She speaks in proper sentences, past present and future tenses...uses sophisticated words like 'similar' and 'concentrate' and 'unfortunately' and 'realise' and she is only 2 in July. She has also somehow managed to memorise a lot of songs and Spanish words and phrases. She is very very clever but very very sensitive as well... I feel I need to investigate this further and listen to my instinct but also I want to believe that he is a good person too...or that he is capable of change. What can I insist upon in mediation and how can I know he is actually going to therapy or what kind of therapy he should be in? OUr couples therapist suggest he go to Group Therapy. He said he couldn;t because of money but his Mum has since offered to pay for therapy for me...I told him thank you but she should spend it on her son's therapy instead ! 
Oh wow. Just read the update. Sorry took me quite a while to finish writing the post. Apologies.
Wow. In the nicest possible way I think this is a massive over reaction on your part.
Your daughter seems to be on the sensitive side. That's not a problem. Lots of kids are. Your job as parents would be to help her cope with her fear. If you set out to keep her away from upsetting situations for all eternity you have quite a project ahead of you.
As for your ExH: obviously not an ideal situation but hardly the crime of the century. He lost his temper (or maybe bashing the boiler hard was what it took to make the boiler work pre boiler service.). If his bashing scared your DD, that's of course not great but much more important is how you move on from here.
The way you describe this incidence, Is very dramatic. So it seems to me that you are feeding her fears rather than being supportive and understanding but sending the message that loud bangs on their own are nothing to be scared of.
Your daughter sounds lovely by the way. I bet she has a great imagination.
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