To feel a bit uncomfortable with new potential friend?

[orangetupperware]

Met someone briefly last week at a local group. She got in contact through FB saying it was nice to meet me and I replied in kind. Then she messaged me and said would I like to meet for coffee. OK, fine I said and arranged to meet her this week in a local cafe close to work (I can bob out for half an hour or so). All fine. Sent me a few messages about nothing in particular, I replied to a few then let them tail off (I have a young family and do not have time to spend on my phone messaging every five minutes.

This morning she has requested my telephone number in case she needs to contact me if she is late for our coffee date later in the week. Fine. Now she has texted me asking if I want to meet today as she 'needs to get out the house'. WTF? Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is way too much too soon? I know she has just moved to the area, but surely she can find something else to do instead of bothering me. I am of the slowly slowly school of friendship. She's not young either. Should I be running for the hills as I already feel pressured?
I don't know yet what we have in common or if I want to be friends with her and this is all very offputting.

Your practically making this woman out to be a stalker when in fact she has done nothing wrong or out of the ordinary.

The problem isn't her OP, it's YOU!

It's absolutely fine if you don't want to pursue a full on friendship with her (or anyone else for that matter) but you need to be an adult and communicate the fact.

Just gently explain that you don't have a lot of spare time or something. It's not difficult!

Well those of us who've been stalked by a mum friend who initially appeared kind and friendly would run a mile from a situation the op described. Before you condemn us as nasty and making it difficult to form friendships, try being stalked by another woman to the point of being on the verge of phoning the police (with the support of the school). And then see how hard it is for people like us to let new friends in. I am now suspicious of everyone I meet.

YABU but YANBU

The poor woman! I don't think it's odd at all and YABU to think it's weird. She's just being friendly. She's making a new social circle in a new place and has enjoyed meeting you and thinks you could be a new friend.

But, on the YANBU side, if it's making you uncomfortable, you're not obliged to play along! You are obviously already busy and have your own life and friends; maybe she isn't somebody you want to make that kind of time/space for and that's fine.

I work with a girl who, when she made overtures to be friendly initially, I was happy to be casual work mates with, when I say work mates I mean pop out for the odd work lunch, maybe see a play together that we both fancy now and then.

She interpreted my 'work matey-ness' as 'we are now inseparable best friends forever'. I felt v sorry for her as she was clearly v lonely, it made me feel v pressured and quite stressed as I could see that I she was driving me to behave out of character, ie. to be cold and distant toward her, which did not make me feel v good at all.

I've had to totally back off and distance myself as she was becoming increasingly needy and pressuring me into going on holiday and to do things together at weekends. My weekends are full and my holidays are spent with my DP and old friends.

She has stopped talking to me and has deleted me from FB. Part of me is quite relieved to be honest.

I agree with grey read and HotNatured - once you've had a bad experience with someone who decides unilaterally that you are their exclusive best friend and won't take no for an answer, you develop a very keen sense for this tendency in other people and tend to run a mile at the first sniff of clinginess. It probably means you miss out on friendships with some perfectly nice people along the way, but better safe than sorry.

This woman is a relative stranger to the op. If she's just an exuberant extrovert from a more demonstrative culture, she'll have no trouble making friends who have more time for her / are more comfortable with that level of intensity. If she's lonely or has low self-esteem or is in a bad relationship - none of that becomes the OP's responsibility just because she's agreed to have coffee with her. She is under no obligation to be her friend if she has a funny feeling about it all, and I think a gut instinct can tell you a lot about how you're going to get on with someone.

You sound mildly xenophobic OP

YABU, I don't think she's done anything wrong. It sounds like she's new to the area and a bit lonely, and as she doesn't really know anyone, she's asked you if you were free earlier than originally planned - presumably because she knows you live in the area - what's wrong with that?

If you don't want to see her, just say you have other plans today but will see her on Thursday. NBD.

Is she American?

An American friend of mine who I met once at a baby group invited me round to hers for a coffee the next week. Ok, bit weird and soon I thought, but easier at home than out in a cafe with 3 small babies.

When I got there, she'd prepared lunch! I stayed for three hours!

I remember thinking 'This would never happen with a Brit' It'd be at least a year until you invited someone for lunch in your home!

It'd be at least a year until you invited someone for lunch in your home!

As a foreigner in the UK I notice this and giggle a lot at this reserve on the part of (some) Brits. Whatever the situation with the OP's new acquaintance, there are some countries/cultures which are more naturally welcoming to incomers.

I have had an Israeli bus driver invite me to a high holiday supper, and Cretan grannies drag me off the street to offer aloe vera when I got sunburnt. Would.not.happen.here.

If it takes a year to summon the strength to invite someone for lunch in your house, I'm wondering how yoou can make new friends.

For some people, friends must only be people from when they were children or people in the office.
And they can't have moved a lot either.

I'm .

Regularly on here we get posts from people who have friends who have essentially just cut them dead for no apparent reason. And the response is generally "she's a bitch op, it's not you, it's her. You've obviously done nothing wrong." Then we get the other side of the coin and an op posts that someone is being full on, and the response is "she's obviously a stalker in the making, MLM scammer, or you'll have to get the police involved, cut her dead now. You've done nothing wrong."

So which is it then? If you seek friendship you're a stalker and if you don't then you're an ignorant bitch.

Is it any wonder that people don't make friends when actually most people are seemingly not actually open to the possibility of friendship in the first place?

Guessing the country comment is just wrong OP, I find that offensive.

I'm going to say Mediterranean or Latin American. DH says we are cold and unfriendly here in the Yookay ;)

I would like to be more social than I am. I moved here away from my support network for eXH's job, and then we split up. Now DS is at secondary and so even the school gate network doesn't exist.

It's posts like this one which make people feel as if they're unable to pursue friendship, as if it' somehow a social no-no, when actually, there are a lot of ignorant people out there.

Recently I bumped into a woman who lives relatively near me. I know who she is and she knows who I am. We chatted for about ten minutes in the middle of whatever shop it was we were in. I said purely sociably "oh, we should go for a coffee some time." On the basis we had just talked for ten minutes or so, a half hour coffee might have been a good way to have a conversation rather than standing in the middle of a shop. Her response was "oh yes, we should. Although we don't have to be friends or anything like that." . It was most definitely not me. I won't bother pursuing my suggestion to have a coffee now. In fact I probably won't even bother to speak to her again if I encounter her.

'Although we don't have to be friends or anything like that."'

Yeah, that's a different extreme!

Because friends would be just (cringes) too much!

OP, I understand why you feel excessively pressured. Maybe she's just enthusiastic but what you describe could be red flags of an excessively needy, clingy and lonely person. Best to nip that in the bud before she decides you are the solution to all of her problems.

For the record I don't find the "guess which country?" offensive. Certain cultures do have traits associated with relative reserve vs. friendliness, or vice versa. No harm in that and no harm in acknowledging it.

I think the problem with the "potential friend" is the "need to get out of the house" comment. I know as adults we shouldn't be in the business of playing games and should be honest - it isn't a courtship, after all - but still that phrase comes off as sounding a bit desperate and therefore not very desirable. No one wants a new friend who straightaway is confessing to being bored or fed up. I'm sure most of us are happy to support an old friend if they are in a bad place, but when one is scoping out new friends, it's a big ask to take on someone who might be lugging around a load of baggage.

As somewith with "a load of baggage" (severe depression, caused by life experiences, compounded by lonliness) this is really depressing. I don't think I can make new friends, I struggle so much people can tell there's something not quite right, and people I've thought were friends for years have dumped me when I'm very unwell, and never explain why. I have to pretend to be fine in front of people but then they want to know why I'm not working etc. Personally I like to forget the nightmares in my head and have a laugh; apparently this is not ok, I am different, a weirdo, left out. And you all think this is ok. I am so tired of being so worthless and alone, have a think before you write people off.

Not all of us would see "baggage" or illness of any kind as a problem in forming a new friendship. Life treats us all in various different ways and I'd rather meet someone genuine than all fake smiles. I'd be more bothered by someone contacting me several times a week than by a steadier friendship with a person with "baggage", who may well have (for example) a good sense of humour, wisdom, intelligence, kindness and all sorts of other great qualities to have in a new friend.

Jesus, this woman has just moved to the area! Of course she wants to "get out of the house" and meet new people - how on earth is that sounding a bit desperate and therefore not very desirable?!

I just moved six hours away from all my friends as my relationship broke down, and comments like that make me realise what a struggle I have ahead of me trying to start over and make new friends.

I know as adults we shouldn't be in the business of playing games and should be honest - it isn't a courtship, after all - but still that phrase comes off as sounding a bit desperate and therefore not very desirable.

I think this is the crux of it for me. I have no time for games whatsoever. With me you get what you see, I have no desire to dress myself up as something else for someone elses benefit.

That doesn't mean I am not a nice person, or not a good friend. But I don't make it past the initial crap because I am not into the games.

Good job I am happy in my own company really. Though it does get me down sometimes.

I'm with Liz and a few of the other previous posters - some of you lot ought to feel glad that you have any friends at all cos you come across as a right bunch of bitches!! No way I'd have time for any of your shit.
If I like you enough to ask if you want to have coffee it's because I like you and I want to have coffee! No bullshit mind games.
I've gotten closer faster to some of my newer friends than I've ever gotten to some of my forever friends, it just how things are.

I'm not racist or zenophobic, rather just a bit crap at expressing myself for which I have already apologised. I reported the contentious post myself and was informed that it did not break talk guidelines and would thus not be deleted. Again, apologies for anyone who was offended by it.

I politely messaged the lady in question, as mentioned up thread and we are to meet as planned later this week. But I do feel a little pressured, and some of you may be right that this is more me than the other party. I will let you know if she's a harmless, lovely person and I am the nutty one.

And for the record, where I live now is not where I was brought up. I have had to work hard myself over the past few years, starting from scratch, to build up a new circle of friends and so I do have a certain amount of empathy for others in the same situation. I envy people who are bold enough to throw themselves into gaining new friends with abandon but I am uncomfortable with this approach myself.

That all sounds very understandable

Good luck!