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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit uncomfortable with new potential friend?

82 replies

orangetupperware · 17/05/2016 09:26

Met someone briefly last week at a local group. She got in contact through FB saying it was nice to meet me and I replied in kind. Then she messaged me and said would I like to meet for coffee. OK, fine I said and arranged to meet her this week in a local cafe close to work (I can bob out for half an hour or so). All fine. Sent me a few messages about nothing in particular, I replied to a few then let them tail off (I have a young family and do not have time to spend on my phone messaging every five minutes.

This morning she has requested my telephone number in case she needs to contact me if she is late for our coffee date later in the week. Fine. Now she has texted me asking if I want to meet today as she 'needs to get out the house'. WTF? Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is way too much too soon? I know she has just moved to the area, but surely she can find something else to do instead of bothering me. I am of the slowly slowly school of friendship. She's not young either. Should I be running for the hills as I already feel pressured?
I don't know yet what we have in common or if I want to be friends with her and this is all very offputting.

OP posts:

nightcap · 17/05/2016 10:07

i'd guess antipodean! i think i scared a few people off when i first lived in the uk just with the casual level of friendship that's pretty normal in aus/nz but can seem a bit full on to brits. we'd do the whole 'oh, we should go for coffee' thing, then i'd say 'ok, how's tomorrow?' and they'd look alarmed and back away nervously because they just meant 'at some point, before the end of time'.

Original poster

orangetupperware · 17/05/2016 10:08

"at some point, before the end of time" fits the bill exactly nightcap! But no, not antipodean.

OP posts:

LookJustCancelTheCheque · 17/05/2016 10:09

I'm a bit about the 'which country is she from' stuff, TBH.

But that aside, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Meet up as planned, see how it goes. You might end up being really good friends.

Kenduskeag · 17/05/2016 10:09

I find it a bit rude to want to meet because 'I'm bored and want to get out of the house' - it might be true but it doesn't make the other person feel particularly valued.

A bit needy - keep her at arm's length til coffee, then see how she is in person. If she starts inviting you on her holidays and making arrangements for dropping in to your home for tea every evening, run for the hills.

EssentialHummus · 17/05/2016 10:16

I'd guess American, tbh. Though I have a Russian friend who does this to me a lot, so I think (stereotyping aside) it's more to do with her personality than what's done back home.

Nyama · 17/05/2016 10:20

I wouldn't have even arranged to meet for coffee, that's how wary of new friendships I am. If it happens it happens. Constant messaging would piss me off although I would be aware that she's probably a very nice person just lonely and clearly very different from me.

Blimmincheek · 17/05/2016 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

orangetupperware · 17/05/2016 10:23

You're right Blimmincheek, it does come across that way and I have reported.

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 17/05/2016 10:28

I had a next door neighbour a bit like this. We were friendly but after I went round for coffee and a chat, she wanted to meet up daily, and was forever messaging or collaring me outside for half an hour when I just wanted to put the bin out.
I took to sneaking out of the house when the coast was clear and sometimes not answering my door and pretending to be out because I didn't want to offend her.
She was pleasant enough but too full on for me. I found her quite draining and hard work but I am quite a private person and don't like to socialise all the time
Thankfully, we've now moved.

My advice would be to pour some cold water on this potential friendship. Be more assertive than me and make it clear from the start that you can only meet up very occasionally and are v. busy.
Messaging you several times already after meeting once would be a bit off putting for me.

BipBippadotta · 17/05/2016 10:37

Cut & run while you still can. Full-on people like this are very thick skinned and do not take hints. I knew someone like this who would send me messages saying 'I miss you' if I hadn't seen her in a week. We hardly knew each other.

4kinmental · 17/05/2016 10:37

American immediately sprang to mind, I have 3 American friends who are all "super happy" and " awesome" all the time and I love that about them! I wouldn't have seen it as a slight against anyone though I'm not the perpetually offended type.

Op, your new friend may be lonely and while you don't have the time to have coffee every other day I would be wary of cutting her off because of it. Yes, get across how busy you are and it may slow her down but don't be horrid to her.
Put yourself in her shoes, she could be of very low esteem, in a horrid relationship, just cripplingly lonely or perhaps she just thinks you're awesome and wants to get to know you better!

jonsnowssocks · 17/05/2016 10:53

I live abroad and find it can be really hard to meet friendly locals, and also to temper my reactions appropriately. I'm often far too reserved and I think have probably missed out on friendships as a result; it might be that this lady is really a good egg but is just too enthusiastic. Like a lot of the OPs say, don't be pressured into doing anything too soon, but do give her a chance. Then, after Thursday, if you're still not sure you can back off!

HappyNevertheless · 17/05/2016 10:57

Actually, I think you are right to plan your 'exit'. You would have made her miserable.

In effect what you are saying is that because you can't stand up for yourself and just answer a simple 'No sorry, can't do today but can do xx', then it has to be her being the worst person ever. Riiight...
And she is not British so 'see if you can guess where she is coming from' meaning see if you can guess which country people are so impolite and arrogant or whatever.
You're right. Being so inflexible means there is no way you would have been a good friend to her.

findingmyfeet12 · 17/05/2016 11:02

I live abroad and I think I've missed out on friendships too. I lack self confidence and that combined with a British reserve makes for a bad combination when it comes to meeting people. I'm forever afraid of being pushy and imposing myself on people even when they're being really friendly.

I wonder if I'll improve with experience. I haven't seen any evidence of this do far though.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 17/05/2016 11:02

Canadian! Have known several and liked them all but damn they're enthusiasm is quite at odds with ours as Brits [grins]

EponasWildDaughter · 17/05/2016 11:16

See i'd love an enthusiastic friend.

Making new friends is so bloody tricky when you're both typical brits terrified of seeming keen!

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 17/05/2016 11:20

It's hard to say if you are being U. I think it just sounds like she is lonely and desperate to make new friends and is from another culture that does things differently and you are terribly British and are being polite but also has a slow build up to friendships that she may not get.

Saying that, there is a person I know through a friend. We all have children the same age and my DD particularly likes hers. I've heard from quite a few others that once she gets your number, she is very intense, constantly texts and confronts you if you don't reply. I've seen some of her messages and it's bloody awful. I've swore she isn't getting my number but DD is desperate to see hers so I am going to have to suck it up. Although she has done the rounds recently and avoided me so I do think I have one of those 'fuck off and leave me alone faces' which has helped . Others have all been sucked in. Thankfully I tend to please myself unlike most others so I can't see it happening. It is annoying though when that isn't you so I get how you are feeling wary OP.

BlueMoonRising · 17/05/2016 11:25

'see if you can guess the country'.

Okay.
Liberia?
Azerbaijan?
Bhutan?

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/05/2016 11:28

Making mum friends is an absolute mine field. I think I've put some people off because I was so concerned not to appear too keen that they thought I was stand off-ish and then I adjusted the other way and now probably am freaking people out by being too keen.

Can we all start by assuming that everyone is nice and normal until proven guilty?! I don't think you've got anything stronger than circumstantial evidence so far...

BillBrysonsBeard · 17/05/2016 11:29

nightcap "at some point before the end of time" I love this This is me! I love meeting up and being outgoing/sociable but arranging the next coffee is at least 6 months down the line in my head.. the annoyance of being an outgoing introvert
She probably doesn't realise how busy you are, enjoy the coffee and you can let her know in chitchat. She will probably get to know others the longer she lives there.

emmalimesmom · 17/05/2016 11:33

be assertive and start as you mean to go on.
can we meet up today
no ive got too much on can see you next moday if you want
if you havent got time to answear her messages straight away then dont just tell her when you do reply that you havent had chance, dont stress yourself out about it
give her a chance she might be a really nice person but you have to let her know your not available everyday she'll soon get the message

EponasWildDaughter · 17/05/2016 11:35

Lorelai same here.

Making friends at school and then at work is easy because it happens naturally. You see them everyday and everyone knows who everyone is. So much easier!

Do i text? What shall i say? Shall i ring? Shall i wait for her to text? Shall i wait till i see her? Shall i let her make the next move? I'm not going to push. I'm not making the next move. I'm going to leave it, she knows where i am. She's not texted. So that's it then, good job i didn't push ..... sigh. arrrrgggghhh.

LobsterQuadrille · 17/05/2016 11:58

I'm assuming American or Canadian - I worked abroad for 10 years where there were plenty of both and I loved the lack of British reserve and the enthusiasm - and the lack of offence taken as well, if plans didn't work out or my own "reserve" made me back off a bit. I really missed it when I came back - I had to stop myself from the habit of smiling at people on the tube because the couple of times I forgot where I was and did so, they quickly looked away.

RhodaBull · 17/05/2016 11:58

It's really just the same as dating. You meet someone you like briefly, and then dither and agonise over whether to make a move. I recently bumped into someone I had met at an evening class in Tesco. I - very boldly for me - suggested we met for a coffee the following week. We did and I thought we got on well. At the end she said she'd text me, but it may be a long wait as she was a busy person. One year later...

AgeOfEarthquakes · 17/05/2016 12:06

All this angst over a suggestion to meet up! Just text back and say you can't make it and then see her as arranged later in the week. If you still like her you can pursue the friendship, if not then don't. What's the problem?

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