To give the baby my MILS name as 2nd name in this case?

[NinaNeener]

My MILS is a nice woman. Always been easy. No demands. Never had any PA emotional manipulation. She'd really never given me any trouble prior to the events of the last couple of years and I wonder if I am being unreasonable about those anyway.

My parents both died in the last 2 yrs. Cancer. So have been having treatment for years before. She was always incredibly sympathetic though clearly knew little about the reality of it. She would compare their aches and pains to her bad knee etc. I was bemused. So I would tell her, in frank detail how different it was. Her reaction was always shocked and sympathetic and very kind. And she would backtrack on the knee thing. Until the next visit when she would say it again! I thought it was funny - an effort to empathise from someone who had never known sickness. Which it probably was!

So I loved her, I thought how lucky I was. I knew she was fond of me and thought her son had struck lucky. I felt very valued.

So anyway my mum died. None of his family came to the funeral. But at the time it seemed reasonable, we live 2 hrs away so they would have had to take a day off work etc. They have kids etc. I can't remember why she didn't come but there was some plausible reason. Wasn't thinking about it much. My griefstricken Dad was very unwell at the time, I had a toddler, I was keeping my head above water.

And when I visited her not long after she was all consideration and kindness asking about him.

But then Dad died. And something felt different. None of them came to the funeral. My DH got angry first. Really angry. Various excuses from them which were very thin, tbh.

I realised none were coming, or had come before simply because they felt uncomfortable with death. Which felt shit, as FIL has been dead for years so they went through all this themselves!

I especially realised when I went to visit them some time later (me & DH were both still feeling pretty offended but we have a toddler everyone wanted to see) & my folks weren't mentioned ONCE.

Clearly everyone felt too awkward! Let's all play a game called Nothing Happened To Nina or her DH!

DH has made a couple of barbed remarks but since they are the most PA family in the world, everyone just pretended they didn't get it and went on like tra lalalala!

Since then we visit more rarely. When we do it is as always, she is pleasant, considerate, kind and the perfect host. She doesn't pry or interfere.

And she has never once mentioned my parents.

So now I am expecting a girl. Do I give her my baby's 2nd name? She would love it. And she is the only grandparent my child will ever have, and will be a nice one.

Or do I honour my Mum? Who frankly is dead, and therefore has no opinion! And I doubt she's give much of a shit tbh. She'd say "it's up to you entirely". And would mean it. And so part of me thinks it's better to honour the living than the dead.

I am conflicted because I (actually we) felt so unsupported during that time. But is that reasonable enough? Is that childish?

I would choose a name you and dh both like for a first name, and then use your mum's name as a second, or even tag it on as a third.

How well did your ILs know your ps? Did they socialise or did they just meet on family occasions? I didn't expect my ILs to come to mum's funeral (it would have made it even more awful for me if they had). In fact they barely acknowledged it, but they did acknowledge it once mumbling a bit vaguely. That was enough.

I would also be talking about my mum and dad when with the ILs, not so much finding a reason to, but certainly not avoiding it. "Oh, that was one of mum's favourites" " This reminds me so much of dad" "dh, didn't dad always say...." and so on. I'm sure that your dh would pick up and follow on. It might be met with deafening silence from them at first, but you and dh lapse into happy chat about your parents for a minute, it'll normalise at some point.

Our DS has his own name, as it were, and then my dad's name, then my grandfather's name, and we did it in that order so he would have the same initials as my husband & my FILs so everyone was happy.
As someone has said go with your heart, but imho it would be a lovely thing for you to do. Your MIL sounds like a brilliant person, and I am sure she would be so happy to have your DD carrying her name.
So sorry for your losses. 🌸

I thought the middle name thing when named after someone was to honours their memory, so don't get why you would use mil name. My Ds has the middle name of oh grandad who died because it means something.

I might be the only one on this thread to say it but I personally dislike naming babies after dead and living relatives. At a push a second name is ok but I always think it's so much nicer to give the baby their own name - a name that has meaning to you and DH and most importantly one that you love. Is there any name significant to you and your DH? For example, my husband and I met on Queen Charlotte street in Bristol so we used Charlotte for the second name of our first DD. Any book/song/movie you love? Trip you went on? anything you feel anything towards? I also agree with Liiinooo idea to think of a name that gives you a link to your mum. Did she love Lily's or Roses? A certain book mean something to her? Just something... I don't know if I would go down the route of using your MIL's name. She has upset you and DH once and what if she does again? you'll probably wonder why you gave your dd her name. To please her? why try to please her when she can be difficult/selfish? Do you think she would love your dd more if you used her name? I don't think it works like that. She will like her just as much if you used your own choice of names. After all, she had her choice naming her baby/babies and now its your turn!

OP, your DMiL reminds me of something I heard about the Queen Mother never wanting to hear anything bad or sad to the point where she would blank people who didnt just tell her happy things.

Yes very similar! And if told bad news she looks so distressed at the thought of it and we all feel a bit guilty.

Which is why I would never confront her. She'd get very distressed at the thoughts of having upset me. I'd feel like a bully and end up backtracking and comforting her. And we get on very pleasantly as it is. We talk about babies and television.

Am veering towards using my mum's name. My mum was a different type. She was frank and funny and a brilliant pal to me.

I'm still a bit puzzled. Do you come from a culture with naming traditions? In dp's family you can trace about 10 first names back through history and any child called something different stands out on the records like a lighthouse! And the funeral thing too- his family always go to the funeral of anyone they know even slightly- my mil was so incredibly guilty and sad she couldn't come to my mother's funeral because she was ill, and I was amazed. It seems as if your mil is behaving in a very "English" way- "best not talk about it -have another Bath bun" like the English part of my family probably would, and you are behaving like my dp's Irish family would- "it's a funeral- of course we'll go" ( sorry about the casual racial stereotyping)

Sorry,ndidn't finish about the naming traditions. My children both have the names of dead grandparents as second names and they love it- they have always liked hearing stories of their namesakes. And ds has his grandad's name as a first name- using it healed a family feud and he is really proud of that! So I understand how complicated it can be.

But if I were you, I would use your mother's name if it would make you happy. And think no further than that.

You don't have to give your child a second name as she won't be called by it. My sister & I only have one name each as my parents didn't want to name us after our grandmothers. I would have hated to have Edith as a middle name and she would have hated to have Doris as hers.

My DD has her Auntie's name (DP sister who died very young) as her middle name. This was always my idea and it was really my gift for my DP not my mil. I think you should pick your moms name as a middle name and maybe ask your mil to be godmother. I know that this will put the cat amongst the pigeons as some people believe godparents should be younger, however my lovely grandad was my godfather also and we had a lovely relationship.

I think you should do what you feel is right for you and your DD and not worry about your in-laws. In our family on my DM side we have a middle name that is used in each generation (nothing unusual). So my DGM, DM, me and my DN all have the same middle name. It gives a sense of continuity.

My DM is a bit like this. Doesn't like hearing about illness or hard times, much prefers idle chat or discussing books etc. I recall my in laws returning from a holiday when FIL's brother died and DM was genuinely as to why they did that. I doubt she will attend either of their funerals and honestly,mi wouldn't want her too. She's just not good at that stuff.

Try to forgive mil her faults as you mention a lot of good points. Call your baby whatever pleases you. Elizabeth is lovely and if only we knew your DMs first name there may be variants that would be equally lovely. Google for ideas.

I wouldn't give any of the DC any family names. My dm expected my db to give his dd a family name and he simply said no and refused to say what names he had picked til the baby was born. I don't see the point of landing a child with a random name just because someone else in the family has it.