To give the baby my MILS name as 2nd name in this case?

[NinaNeener]

My MILS is a nice woman. Always been easy. No demands. Never had any PA emotional manipulation. She'd really never given me any trouble prior to the events of the last couple of years and I wonder if I am being unreasonable about those anyway.

My parents both died in the last 2 yrs. Cancer. So have been having treatment for years before. She was always incredibly sympathetic though clearly knew little about the reality of it. She would compare their aches and pains to her bad knee etc. I was bemused. So I would tell her, in frank detail how different it was. Her reaction was always shocked and sympathetic and very kind. And she would backtrack on the knee thing. Until the next visit when she would say it again! I thought it was funny - an effort to empathise from someone who had never known sickness. Which it probably was!

So I loved her, I thought how lucky I was. I knew she was fond of me and thought her son had struck lucky. I felt very valued.

So anyway my mum died. None of his family came to the funeral. But at the time it seemed reasonable, we live 2 hrs away so they would have had to take a day off work etc. They have kids etc. I can't remember why she didn't come but there was some plausible reason. Wasn't thinking about it much. My griefstricken Dad was very unwell at the time, I had a toddler, I was keeping my head above water.

And when I visited her not long after she was all consideration and kindness asking about him.

But then Dad died. And something felt different. None of them came to the funeral. My DH got angry first. Really angry. Various excuses from them which were very thin, tbh.

I realised none were coming, or had come before simply because they felt uncomfortable with death. Which felt shit, as FIL has been dead for years so they went through all this themselves!

I especially realised when I went to visit them some time later (me & DH were both still feeling pretty offended but we have a toddler everyone wanted to see) & my folks weren't mentioned ONCE.

Clearly everyone felt too awkward! Let's all play a game called Nothing Happened To Nina or her DH!

DH has made a couple of barbed remarks but since they are the most PA family in the world, everyone just pretended they didn't get it and went on like tra lalalala!

Since then we visit more rarely. When we do it is as always, she is pleasant, considerate, kind and the perfect host. She doesn't pry or interfere.

And she has never once mentioned my parents.

So now I am expecting a girl. Do I give her my baby's 2nd name? She would love it. And she is the only grandparent my child will ever have, and will be a nice one.

Or do I honour my Mum? Who frankly is dead, and therefore has no opinion! And I doubt she's give much of a shit tbh. She'd say "it's up to you entirely". And would mean it. And so part of me thinks it's better to honour the living than the dead.

I am conflicted because I (actually we) felt so unsupported during that time. But is that reasonable enough? Is that childish?

Sorry for your losses OP

In this instance, I'd (personally) go with your mum. Or could you feminise your DFs name at all?

Mine was Frank and DD2 has Frances as her middle name.

Other DD is saddled with 2 middle names, both hideously unfashionable, but to honour relatives.

More importantly, I would think about how you or DH can address the bigger problem.

Would it be worth writing to her explaining that although you have a great relationship, you feel deeply hurt by the fact that everyone is ignoring your feelings?

This is (understandably) going to eat away at you otherwise.

The 'knee' thing, I almost understand, people who are trying to empathise can sometimes lose the true meaning of why they are doing so and do the 'ooh I know what you mean' thing. Totally inappropriate, but not done in malice, more ignorance.

Glad that DH is supporting you.

Expectations are always the problem. You expected them to come they expected not to. You never expressed that it would mean a lot to you or as if often the case your dh didn't nudge them to 'do the right thing' to help make you feel better.
I'd guess they still have no idea how you feel about it.

I think you should call your daughter whatever you want. If you name her after your MIL and she doesn't react as you would like her to it will be another cause of annoyance.
I'm sorry to hear about your parents

If you want a family connection could you use your mother's maiden name?

So sorry for both your losses, that's a rough old time you've had/having. Grief makes us angry sometimes and our utter despair and sadness can make us "dislike" people somewhat during such events and build resentment that they didn't do something we'd have appreciated/expected.

As an example, I'm getting married in 11 days, no parents alive. My closest relative (my elder brother) isn't coming. His wife died in November and he can't face it. Part of me is pretty peeved at him (I wanted him to give me away), but part of me accepts his reasoning and I know deep down he cares for me very much (and I think your MIL cares for you too). Plus I travelled up to my SIL funeral in Scotland (even though the thought of it was so raw as my mum had only died the tear bfore and I thought it would bring back lots of raw memories of everything). But, that's beside the point.

I think she'd be delighted to have her name as part of your daughters name, it's a lovely family connection to have and I also think it creates a lovely bond between a GM and GC.

I'd do it, and try very slowly and surely to move forward from the funeral stuff. You'll get there.

All the best OP.

I never thought about shortening it. It could be done....But it would be fairly different. So different that it would sound a bit random. Not sure.

Perhaps I do feel emotional about it after all as I suddenly feel very strongly that if I honour Mum, it should be recogniseable as her name, iykwim.

The only reason for considering MIL is because she has several granddaughters but none have her name as 2nd name as they all honoured dead people. And she is the only GP that DD would ever know, and the women live loooong in that family so MIL could see 100 yet! Wouldn't be the first! So DD could know her for many years.

But those are my only reasons.

Did your mum have a middle name that you could use?

I wouldn't bother with your MIL's name tbh, it shouldn't be this hard to decide.

My son has the same middle name as his Dad, paternal GF & paternal GGF.

Wouldn't have happened if I hadn't liked it though.

Daughter has the same middle name as my maternal GM, who I was very close to & loved dearly (although not enough to use her awful first name even as a middle name)

My ILs didn't come to my mum's funeral & I was really upset at the time.

We asked them to sit at the back with almost 2yr old PFB & go outside if he created.

Instead they took him shopping for a toy! They were at the wake though, & knowing them they would have been too embarrassed/nervous to leave if necessary during the service and there was no way that one would have gone to the service whilst the other looked after PFB.

Looking back they probably did the right thing, but it hurt at the time as I took it as a slight to my mum.

Is it usual for in-laws to attend the partner's family funerals? Not trying to be goady, genuinely surprised that this is expected, it would never occur to me.

As in, I would expect my DH to come to my parents' funerals, but wouldn't expect my FIL there.

Even if you weren't close to the parent(s), if you care for your DIL/SIL, why wouldn't you be there to show support?

My mum's middle name was Elizabeth. Never thought about that. She liked it. She thought it well classy, lol.

Oh that would make a lovely middle name.

Do you already have a first name chosen?

Elizabeth is lovely. You should do what you feel regarding the names. However...

I think you are being unfair regarding the funeral. Unless they were friends i would never expect ILs to attend a funeral and i would never attend a funeral of someone i didn't know well. It isn'r rude or unloving it's just a very different way of thinking and looking at things. I also would be uncomfortable if people kept asking about my deceased parents afterwards. I would find that intrusive. Unless someone started talking about it themselves i would never ask. The may be trying to follow your lead.

It seems you are waiting for them to make the first move and they may be the type to wait for direction. Neither are wrong, both can also be loving and respectful. Just a different way. It is a cultural thing I have found.

Why don't you give her your name as a middle name. That's what the women do in our family, except for me!! I can't stand my name so we gave DD another, unconnected, middle name. No one was put out.

I think in your situation I would not have MIL's name, I would go with a name you love or a character from a book you admire or, as previously suggested, Elizabeth. I think if you are needing to persuade yourself at this early stage you will regret it.

I don't personally like people being honoured in this way.

My SIL lost her mum shortly after her first daughter was born. She used a variation of it for her second daughter. It was very important to her. You don't seem to care either way.

Elizabeth is a lovely middle (and first) name. DS has DF's middle name as his. Generations back all the eldest son's were called Robert (not the real name) then a few back someone decided they wanted to give their son a different fist name but gave Robert as a middle name. Ever since Robert has been a middle name of pretty much all the men.

Don't give her either. Pick a middle name you like.

Did your mum have a nice middle name, could you use that, I did with dd, used my grandma middle name, dm was overjoyed.

You could bestow baby with both names (DM and MIL's).

My dear departed DH had 2 middle names. One of them was really unusual, not a name I'd ever heard before.

And you mentioned DM's name is old fashioned, I love old fashioned names!

My cousin named her daughter after my grandma . She wasn't impressed - she grumbled that she wasn't dead yet!

So don't assume that MiL will be necessarily even be that pleased if you do this: she may not want to share her name with somebody else - it is hers after all!

By doing that, you'd also be denying your Mum which feels so wrong. I'd just choose a completely different name if you don't particular like your Mum's name.

Between DH and I, we've lost a lot of relatives in the last three years (three grandparents and my DM), so this was something on our mind a bit when we were picking DC2's name.

We both have a traditional 'family' name - which luckily for us, is a male one from his side and a female one from ours. Neither are offensive but neither would I choose as a first name. We agreed that we'd use the name from each side depending on what we had. As it happens, DC2 was actually DD2, so it was my family's name that was used - which had been the Christian name of both my grandmothers and my DM's middle name.

I think it depends how strongly you feel about the names in question. If you prefer MIL's name and you don't have any particular yen to use your DM's name then go with that. Alternatively, as suggested, use your DM's middle name. Only you need to know the connection.

My dh wanted to give one of our children a family member name as a middle name - they have 2 middle names so it worked out we sort of each chose one each each although we hadn't planned it that way. In my postpartum delight I agreed. Big mistake. Family member went very odd and now won't see or speak to us.

My mum, mil, and all our grandmothers have unattractive names to be honest and aren't/weren't keen on them themselves so we never considered them at all. I think your mil wouldn't mind too much if you chose a name related in some way to your own mother. Elizabeth is such a classic name that she might not even click it was your mum's middle name. Certainly, don't feel pressured into giving her a name you aren't 100% happy with.

Elizabeth is a lovely (middle) name.

. I think what isn't being said here is 'does MIL deserve this honour?' And the fact that you are having doubts seems to indicate you don't think she does. It seems that even though your thinking mind has rationalised and forgiven their distant behaviour through your two losses, deep down the feelings of hurt are very present.

Under the circumstances I wouldn't use MILs name, it is too closely bound up with all these feelings and may remind you of them in years to come. Not sharing a name won't stop her and your new child having a loving bond in the future.

You come across as a very loving daughter of a loving mum and you honour her every day in memory. I am sure she wouldn't want you to give your DD a name you weren't 100% sure about. Why not pick a name that reminds you of something mum loved (actress, flower, colour , happy memory)? Then the name would have positive connotations rather that the negative ones evoked by MIL.

Take it easy on yourself. You have had a very tough two years , you are grieving and pregnant, your feelings are bound to be all over the place. Go with your heart.

I wanted to honour family members but dh said we'd have to honour them all and I didn't like the other names in question so we'll went for the option of shortening the middle name to a name that's similar and reminded me of my dgms name rather than having to use that rather than all of them in order for it to be fair so dds middle name is Eve rather than Yvonne Patricia.

Elizabeth is my middle name and I don't particularly like it as I don't think it flows very well.