My MILS is a nice woman. Always been easy. No demands. Never had any PA emotional manipulation. She'd really never given me any trouble prior to the events of the last couple of years and I wonder if I am being unreasonable about those anyway.
My parents both died in the last 2 yrs. Cancer. So have been having treatment for years before. She was always incredibly sympathetic though clearly knew little about the reality of it. She would compare their aches and pains to her bad knee etc. I was bemused. So I would tell her, in frank detail how different it was. Her reaction was always shocked and sympathetic and very kind. And she would backtrack on the knee thing. Until the next visit when she would say it again! I thought it was funny - an effort to empathise from someone who had never known sickness. Which it probably was!
So I loved her, I thought how lucky I was. I knew she was fond of me and thought her son had struck lucky. I felt very valued.
So anyway my mum died. None of his family came to the funeral. But at the time it seemed reasonable, we live 2 hrs away so they would have had to take a day off work etc. They have kids etc. I can't remember why she didn't come but there was some plausible reason. Wasn't thinking about it much. My griefstricken Dad was very unwell at the time, I had a toddler, I was keeping my head above water.
And when I visited her not long after she was all consideration and kindness asking about him.
But then Dad died. And something felt different. None of them came to the funeral. My DH got angry first. Really angry. Various excuses from them which were very thin, tbh.
I realised none were coming, or had come before simply because they felt uncomfortable with death. Which felt shit, as FIL has been dead for years so they went through all this themselves!
I especially realised when I went to visit them some time later (me & DH were both still feeling pretty offended but we have a toddler everyone wanted to see) & my folks weren't mentioned ONCE.
Clearly everyone felt too awkward! Let's all play a game called Nothing Happened To Nina or her DH!
DH has made a couple of barbed remarks but since they are the most PA family in the world, everyone just pretended they didn't get it and went on like tra lalalala!
Since then we visit more rarely. When we do it is as always, she is pleasant, considerate, kind and the perfect host. She doesn't pry or interfere.
And she has never once mentioned my parents.
So now I am expecting a girl. Do I give her my baby's 2nd name? She would love it. And she is the only grandparent my child will ever have, and will be a nice one.
Or do I honour my Mum? Who frankly is dead, and therefore has no opinion! And I doubt she's give much of a shit tbh. She'd say "it's up to you entirely". And would mean it. And so part of me thinks it's better to honour the living than the dead.
I am conflicted because I (actually we) felt so unsupported during that time. But is that reasonable enough? Is that childish?