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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with this parent?

57 replies

DeltaSunrise · 17/05/2016 05:22

I know how these threads sometimes go so I'm going to start by saying that I know my ds2 is no angel and I have no objections to him being made to apologise for something he's done wrong.

When I picked up my 5yr old ds2 from school today, there was another boy (let's call him Adam) being a bit annoying, like most 5yr olds sometimes are, doing things like getting right into my ds's face and blowing on him and creeping up and shouting BOO right in his ear. I politely asked Adam to leave us alone for 5 mins and we would meet him in the playground to play for a bit. (These 2 are friends and play with each other all the time)

Ds2 and I start walking to the other classroom to collect ds1, ds2 lagging behind a bit when Adam's mum comes storming up shouting "are you X?" Ds says yes and as I'm walking back towards him, the mum is right in his face saying "what have you done to Adam? Why is he scared of you?" I calmly told the mum that I had actually just had to tell her ds to leave us alone and maybe it was 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. She stood up and back and looked a bit shocked, then agreed. We made the boys apologise to each other and warned them of the consequences of being mean and unkind to each other. All good, everyone walked away happy.

But I can't help feeling that Adam's mum was totally out of order that she felt it was appropriate to storm up to a seemingly alone 5yr old child and start shouting at him for something that may or may not have happened. She didn't realise that he was with me, she looked visibly shocked when she realised I was right there, I doubt she would have done it if she had known. Surely if she had a problem she should have gone to the teacher, not taken it upon herself to reprimand a child?

AIBU to be pissed off and want to talk to the teacher about it tomorrow? Is that over reacting, as I said once she realised I was there we sorted it out amicably but what if she tried it again to another child?

OP posts:

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 17/05/2016 05:32

Let it go.

Janecc · 17/05/2016 05:35

Firstly, no, I don't think you would be overreacting to tell the school. This could easily have escalated into some pretty nasty adult on child bullying had you not been around. Storming up to him and shouting at him is of course adult on child bullying anyway. As it was on school property, you are perfectly within your rights to Inform the school. As it may be a first time offence, I don't know how they would react and they may take note and nothing more. They will be able to explain the procedure in this instance. As it happened in the playground, you may decide to call the school to ask who this should be addressed to or speak to his class teacher after school today. I would take ds2 with you so that he can try to explain what happened.

Did you tell the woman her behaviour was unacceptable or tell her to address her issues to you not her son next time? She sounds like an over protective helicopter parent there are so many around these days.

citychick · 17/05/2016 05:39

Let it go. Move on. (You might just make yourself look worse than the gobby mum.)

nosireebob · 17/05/2016 05:41

From how you describe it, it sounds like a bit of an overreaction tbh, especially as it sounds like it was sorted quickly and I bet the kids just skipped off to the playground afterwards.

If your son was really scared by it and still commented on it later, maybe just mention that to her but these things can cause friction between parents over things that, to the kids, are no big deal. they would probably sort out their differences/annoyances themselves if the parents aren't around. I'm not talking about bullying of course where parents absolutely have to step in, but this sounded like the typical 5-year old not knowing when to stop

I definitely don't think the teacher would be the person I'd go to - they weren't involved and can't really tell the other mum what to do / not do unless they see really bad behaviour themselves. If anything, then I'd speak directly to the mum

Original poster

DeltaSunrise · 17/05/2016 05:50

Jane No I didn't, it all happened so fast and like I said I know my ds is no angel so I was just concentrating on asking him what he had done, getting him to apologise and telling him the consequences should it happen again.

nosiree I agree it was just typical 5yr old stuff (apparently my ds called Adam a "stinky bum" after Adam had hit ds on the head with a bookbag, see 6 of one.....) and they would have been best pals again tomorrow. What happened was in the classroom so I'm also sure that the teacher would have given them a warning/consequence too, it obviously wasn't serious or the teacher would have mentioned it to me herself.

However I do have a problem with the way the mum handled it, she didn't go "directly to the mum" as you said you would but went directly to my child and started shouting at him. He was visibly upset, he was welling up at first until I came over. We were pretty much right outside the classroom when this happened, there's no reason the parent couldn't have walked a couple of extra steps into the classroom to talk to the teacher.

OP posts:

Original poster

DeltaSunrise · 17/05/2016 05:51

Went directly to my child thinking he was alone

OP posts:

Janecc · 17/05/2016 05:57

I can see you're getting more nos and only my yes. All said and done, this is up to you. I have experience of this but not on school grounds. Other children/parents I know have experience of this but not on the school grounds (same parent each time). From what dds school told me, school can only take action if it is in school grounds. I know I may be biased on this one. From my experience, it's not a one off. Op I know this parent backed down - which was different to the reaction of the parent at dds school. Something was said to me in the playground, which was borderline adult on adult bullying. Again, the school can react to this too and I chose to let it slide because it was me, had it been my child, no way.

Janecc · 17/05/2016 06:03

Delta - just seen your post. Whose child is an angel? That's not the issue at hand and even if your child had whacked her child across the face with his bag in response to being hit on the head or stamped on his foot and all of this took place outside the classroom, she still cannot shout in your child's face. The appropriate action of an adult where small children are concerned and where the parent/carer will be around is to extricate their child from the situation and inform said parent/carer.

Original poster

DeltaSunrise · 17/05/2016 06:09

Thank you Jane. I actually wouldn't have had a problem if the mum had come directly to me but going straight to a 5yr old who she thinks is alone is what has pissed me off. I'm glad at least someone agrees with me, I'm usually pretty laid back and don't let things bother me but this has really got my back up.

I might just ask the teacher to keep an eye on the boys and if there's any problems to let me know so I can handle the situation before something like this happens again.

OP posts:

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 17/05/2016 06:14

I think you're right to ask the teacher.

Her reaction seems OTT if all ds2 had done was what you described. Maybe there's a bit more to it than "stinky bum" and it would be a good idea to keep them away from each other for a bit.

teafortoads · 17/05/2016 06:20

Can you mention it to a teacher, sort of have it noted in case Overzealous Mum acts up again, but say that you don't wish for any further action at this stage as it may well have been a one off poorly judged incident? Things will become really awkward at the school gate, particularly in the two boys continue their friendship, if the teacher pulls this lady up on her behaviour.

I really would avoid playground ructions over something upsetting but minor and maybe have a word with your lad about standing up for himself/saying no and repeating it if his pal regularly teases him?

insancerre · 17/05/2016 06:21

Yabu
I seemed to have drifted into a paralel universe on mumsnet lately where adults are not allowed to talk to children without adults ring present

Just let it go

Original poster

DeltaSunrise · 17/05/2016 06:23

ThenLater Her ds agreed that that was what happened but up until that point I'm not sure she was aware. I think Adam told his mum that my ds was mean to him and scared him but not what was done/said hence the "What have you done to Adam? Why is he scared of you?" But even so, there was no need for her reaction. Maybe separating them for a bit is a good idea. They are friends (usually) and I always see them together. Maybe encouraging them to play with others will tone them down a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

DeltaSunrise · 17/05/2016 06:25

Thank you tea good advice.

insancerre I have no problem with adults talking to my children when I'm not around. I do have a problem with an adult bending over so their face is just cm's away from my kids face and shouting (not talking, shouting) at them.

OP posts:

Janecc · 17/05/2016 06:26

Boys do bish and bash. It's part of communicating to their friends as well as those, they're not too keen on. Fights and spats are forgotten in two seconds at that age anyway. Not that I'm suggesting it's ok. That's just how boys do stuff. In your position, I'd be letting the teacher know about the parental behaviour too. Yes, I'm very laid back, which is why I've never screamed at other parents/children even when my dd was pulled off a scooter by her hair or punched so hard in the stomach she was winded. I'm not the mum, who told DD she couldn't play with that particular child either as I could see he needed compassion, not derision and the child has calmed down with age and with distance from an abusive parent. Your story sounds worlds apart from the one I just described, where the boy was written off by some parents age 4/5 and I think the boys were just messing around and the mother completely overreacted. Tbh I don't even think they need splitting up in the playground - maybe in the classroom, but that's the teachers domaine.

NarpIsNotACunt · 17/05/2016 06:32

Other mum was unreasonable, and it may be that Adam has been affected by her tendency to over-react.

Mandzi34 · 17/05/2016 06:40

I think it's not acceptable to approach the child directly but as you managed to sort it out amicably I would let it pass.

NarpIsNotACunt · 17/05/2016 06:43

There was a mum at school when one of mine was in Y2. Her own son was amiable but insensitive and because he was big he did hurt other children.

In her eyes every other small child was at fault and she endlessly complained. I felt sorry for him because her attitude made him unlikeable. Glad when they left the school

leelu66 · 17/05/2016 07:14

I think posters advising you to 'let it go' would be far from letting it go if it was their child being shouted at by a random adult

Don't 'let it go', mention it to the teacher so she can keep an eye out for this mum behaving this way again.

fiddlewifey · 17/05/2016 07:38

YANBU

I admire your self/restraint. If she'd screamed in my sons face at that age, I prob would've ripped her effing head off said a few stern words to her.

She needs to be hauled in by school and advised that her behaviour was unacceptable. Otherwise she will do it again.

Tell the teacher.

littledrummergirl · 17/05/2016 07:55

Yanbu.
Your dc needs to know that no one has right to treat him like that and that you have his back.
Giving permission for her dc to constantly niggle and harass your dc while refusing to allow a reciprocal relationship is not acceptable. Nip it in the bid now.

Workinzzz · 17/05/2016 08:15

You spoke to her child without her being there?

Original poster

DeltaSunrise · 17/05/2016 08:21

Yes Work I politely asked him to leave us alone while my ds was trying to talk to me about school and Adam was annoying him and told him we would meet him in the playground to play in 5 mins.

What I didn't do was storm up to him, get right into his face & shout at him.

I already said I don't mind other adults talking to my kids, I don't like them acting like this mother did to my child.

OP posts:

Witchend · 17/05/2016 08:22

Hang on a minute? It doesn't add up?
you said to him could he stop a minute and leave you alone.
She comes up and shouts at ds for frightening hers.

If she'd come to shout at you, then that would make sense, but why should he say he was frightened of your ds when it was you who asked him to leave you alone?

Original poster

DeltaSunrise · 17/05/2016 08:31

Witch I think it was 2 seperate incidences that just intertwined.

When I asked Adam to leave us alone for 5 minutes, he walked off. I finished up my conversation with ds then started walking to pick up other ds. In this time Adam
Had obviously mentioned to his mum that something had happened in the classroom and that's when she stormed over.

Adam wasn't at all bothered about the fact that I had just spoke to him, it just happened to be on the same day as this other incident which is why I told the mum that actually I had just had to ask her son to leave us alone so whatever my son had done, maybe it was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

OP posts:

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