To be pissed off with this parent?

[DeltaSunrise]

I know how these threads sometimes go so I'm going to start by saying that I know my ds2 is no angel and I have no objections to him being made to apologise for something he's done wrong.

When I picked up my 5yr old ds2 from school today, there was another boy (let's call him Adam) being a bit annoying, like most 5yr olds sometimes are, doing things like getting right into my ds's face and blowing on him and creeping up and shouting BOO right in his ear. I politely asked Adam to leave us alone for 5 mins and we would meet him in the playground to play for a bit. (These 2 are friends and play with each other all the time)

Ds2 and I start walking to the other classroom to collect ds1, ds2 lagging behind a bit when Adam's mum comes storming up shouting "are you X?" Ds says yes and as I'm walking back towards him, the mum is right in his face saying "what have you done to Adam? Why is he scared of you?" I calmly told the mum that I had actually just had to tell her ds to leave us alone and maybe it was 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. She stood up and back and looked a bit shocked, then agreed. We made the boys apologise to each other and warned them of the consequences of being mean and unkind to each other. All good, everyone walked away happy.

But I can't help feeling that Adam's mum was totally out of order that she felt it was appropriate to storm up to a seemingly alone 5yr old child and start shouting at him for something that may or may not have happened. She didn't realise that he was with me, she looked visibly shocked when she realised I was right there, I doubt she would have done it if she had known. Surely if she had a problem she should have gone to the teacher, not taken it upon herself to reprimand a child?

AIBU to be pissed off and want to talk to the teacher about it tomorrow? Is that over reacting, as I said once she realised I was there we sorted it out amicably but what if she tried it again to another child?

YANBU to be cross that she confronted your DS in that way, that's really not on. It's one thing to go and talk to a child, but to get down into his face and shout at him is not an acceptable response.

I think it was a good idea to alert the teacher to a potentially troublesome situation. Doesn't mean anything further needs to happen, just that the teacher is aware and can keep an eye out.

Sorry, should have been clearer that the mum shouting at my ds had nothing to do with me speaking to her son. It just so happened to be on the same day.

What she was shouting at my son for happened in the classroom in school time. Neither I or the mum actually had any idea what had gone on between the boys at this point. Adam had obviously said to his mum something like X has scared me or been mean but not said what ds had done (or indeed what he did to ds first) and she's come storming over without getting more information first.

YANBU , she's completely out of order, and needs some pointers from the school on how to behave/act.

teachers aren't there to police parents behaviour, surely?

No? So if I wasn't there and my ds was on his own? Should I just expect him to be scared witless by a parent outside his own classroom because the teacher can't police parents behaviour? Or would you expect the teacher to step in. We were right outside the classroom.

How far would the mum have gone if I wasn't there?

What if she tried it again with another child who has no parent there to back them up? Should the teacher get involved then even though the school bell as just gone?

""teachers aren't there to police parents behaviour, surely? Even if it did happen on school grounds ""

There's a 'Code of Conduct' expected of Parents, as well as Pupils and is usually included in the Schools 'Ethos/Expectations'. Teachers and the Head do get involved in stuff like this, or rather would have, had the OP not been around. It's part of a child feeling safe at school.

OP, it sounds as though the Boys teasing is getting a bit out of hand and the teacher can help them to reign it in, whilst at school, so I'd mention it.

As for 'Boys bush and bosh', whenever they've put cameras in Nurserys/Schools/Play parks, it's shown that Girls get firmly told not to do that and because its ok for other little girls to cry etc, the 'offending' party gets told firmly to stop. This is also shown to not be the natural case, in cross cultural studies.

Personally, Ivthink that's why we have so many Men who don't respect boundaries and think that catcalling etc is acceptable.

I'd mention it to the teacher. Sounds like the school should remind parents to talk to them about issues - at DD's primary we were repeatedly told not to discuss issues with the other parents/children.

If you'd reacted differently it could have escalated.

Totally agree with you OP.
The mother's behaviour is wildly inappropriate.

I'd let it go, she's put herself in a mortifying position, I doubt she'll do it again.

"If it's still bothering you, sort it out with the other mum yourself"

^ Definitely don't do this.

but going straight to a 5yr old who she thinks is alone is what has pissed me off.

so, exactly what you did.

No Soup I didn't go straight up to her son. I was stood with my ds and Adam came over to us and starting the annoying behaviour while I was having a conversation with him. I asked him to leave us alone for 5 minutes, I didn't storm up to him and scream in his face.

What would you have done? His mum was nowhere to be seen at that point, would you really have allowed another child to continually annoy your ds and shout in his ear while you were trying to talk to him or would you politely ask him to give us a minute and meet us in the playground.

There's a huge difference in me saying "give us a minute Adam, we'll come to the playground to play soon" to a child who has walked up to us, and a mum storming up to a child and shouting in their face.

I would leave it now.

YANBU at all. She was inappropriate, but the way you handled it seemed great and I think that would have got the message across without going to the teacher. I would only go to the teacher if there were further incidents of this now, which if she has got any sense there won't be as she will have got the message.

and it is definitely not the same as what you did. The child came up to you and was acting badly right in front of you and you just asked him for some space. Not at all the same as chasing after a child to shout at them for something which may have happened earlier in the day and you didn't even see it. So the other mum should have spoken to the teacher if there were concerns about something happening in the school day, she might then have got her answer of it being six of one from the teacher.

I'd mention it to the teacher. I wouldn't make a huge issue of it but I would mention it.

Then the teacher can if they feel it appropriate can remind parents to go through them - or at very least if they have concerns to talk to the teacher to find out what is going on rather than approaching a five year old directly especially someone else's lone five year old ( or in this case believed to be an alone fie year old).

I certainly wouldn't appreciate an adult aggressively questioning my child - I'd expect them to approach the teacher or me not my child when by themselves. That doesn't mean I don't let adults interact with my children ffs.

Birdsgottafly as I said regarding bishing and bashing "not that I am suggesting it is ok". Which is why the teacher stopped the children, I believe. I have put several posts in about this issue and have been an absolute advocate of op going to the school. This was part of an ongoing discussion and I would appreciate what I say not being taken out of context. At no point have I wanted to suggest boys should get away with bishing and bashing and for it to then be used as a complete dialogue on the state of society I found upsetting.

Do let it go. It has been sorted now.

She was out of order shouting at your son like that and I, like you, probably would feel better if I had told her so at the time, but it sounds from her reaction like you gave her a bit of a shock and something to think about when she realised you were there.

I'd mention it to the school simply because you have no idea whether it's been sorted or not as you don't know Adam's mum well enough to know what will happen next. Parents can be more problematic than children sometimes and it can spill over to impact on the DCs.

Our HT specifically asked for parents to keep the school informed of issues like this just so they could monitor and ensure it didn't escalate or have a knock-on effect on the DCs' friendships.

YANBU because imo she should have come to you with any concerns.

But put your hand on your heart and ask yourself if she actually shouted at your child.

I'm no saying she didn't because obviously I wasn't there, but after approximately 20 years of being a Primary school Mum, I've lost count of the amount of parents who have accused people of 'shouting' at their kids, when actually they spoke to them in a stern voice.

It may sound pedantic, but it can be important, especially as it can colour people's replies on here.

Also, if you speak to the school about it and another parent who may have witnessed it says, 'No she didn't actually shout ' it can make the rest of your complaint less credible IYSWIM.

Even if the other parent didn't shout, (hough I agree shouting versus stern tone is relevant) it would still be good practise for the other parent to have approached the teacher to find out what had happened before approaching another child.

So if I could mention it to the teacher I would.

Having said that DN junior school and the upper part of my children's new primary parents can't get near the teachers to mention in passing stuff like this - you don't see them mornings or evenings- you have to make appointments which make everything more formal and harder to involve the teacher either to find out what actually happening or to mention other parents behaviour. If the school had that set up I'd drop it until something else happened - though if there was a next time I'd make it plain the parent should seek me out first.

Worra Thank you, I understand what you are saying, she was defentitely shouting, it made me stop in my tracks and my ds started welling up straight away. That's not like him, he takes discipline and consequences on the chin and goes along with it well if he knows it's deserved. I wouldn't have minded so much if she had even just gone up to him and asked him what had happened but it was the getting in his face and shouting that pissed me off and upset him.

Wizard I was just replying to your comment that teachers don't need to police parents behaviour. Of course they do when that behaviour is directed towards another child. Yes I was there this time, what would have happened if I wasn't? Yes, I sorted it out myself but I really shouldn't have had to, the other mum should never have gone up to my ds and shouted in his face. I would hope that if I wasn't there as the other parent thought, then the teacher would have stepped in to police her behaviour towards by child.

I'm still undecided, regardless of whether you agree with me or not, all your posts have given me lots to think about. I'm not angry anymore and I did sort it out but I would feel awful if this parent tried it on another child and I hadn't said anything to the teacher.

WorraLiberty
I understand what you are saying and it's sensible advice.
But IMO, the mother of the other child should never have approached the other child in these circumsrances.To shout or to speak sternly is irrelevant IMO.

Thanks Dragon our school has a pretty good open door policy where parents can pop in morning or afternoon for a quick chat with the teacher or just to see what their kids are up to. Another reason why I don't understand why the mum didn't just pop in and see the teacher first.

. "Another reason why I don't understand why the mum didn't just pop in and see the teacher first."

Because this other mother needs guidance (from school) regarding what constitutes acceptable behaviour.