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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DPs ex should look after child off school

103 replies

LillaW · 16/05/2016 10:49

AIBU to think that if my DPs ex keeps their son off school today then she should have arranged the child care - even though it is DPs day to have children. Ex doesn't work and keeps the kids off school at slightest sniffle then expects my DP to take day off work/arrange child care at the drop of a hat. I am divorced and have 50:50 custody of my DCs with my ex - we have an understanding that if you keep the child off school you are responsible for child care no matter who's "day" it is to have the children.

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 16/05/2016 16:19

I'm still trying to get my head around saying to my child "yes you are too sick to go to school. It is your dad's day today so I'll wrap you up in a blanket and will call him to leave work to get you" which is what many of you seem to be advocating. Fair enough if the mother had an appointment she couldn't get out of but that isn't what people on here are saying - that are saying if the arrangements are 9 am on a Monday then if the child is sick, doesn't matter - move him out of his bed. bizarre.

Also can't get my head around the OP's deep concern for her partners work and zero concern about the sick child.

FutureGadgetsLab · 16/05/2016 16:21

what people on here are saying - that are saying if the arrangements are 9 am on a Monday then if the child is sick, doesn't matter - move him out of his bed. bizarre.

Most kids don't literally not move out of bed when they're ill.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/05/2016 16:23

His CM liability is is likely to already be adjusted to account for time he is responsible for the child. If he has 50/50 then it's likely to be none payable.

CM amount is only relevant if the paying parent is having the child more than is factored into the arangement so if she was asking him to have him when he wasn't already responsible.

Her working or not is not relevant in anyway with CM.

CM is rarely decided on a 50/50 financial liability for what a child costs a % of income is chosen that is meant to allow the child to have a lifestyle in line with both parents income

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/05/2016 16:24

canyou should a child be deprived of the right to recieve the love care and support a loving commited father gives just because they are unwell?

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 16:25

Since most people aren't utter bastards when it comes to parenting their ill children, it's reasonable to assume the mother has a good reason for needing the father to take time off work and turfing the ill child out of bed.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2016 16:32

What bed Canyouforgiveher?

The OP didn't mention that the child was still in bed, and nor did she mention that her DP had to be 'called home from work'

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/05/2016 16:33

I'm surprised nobody has asked why the OP can't look after the child yet.

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 16:35

Perhaps because it's not her responsibility?

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/05/2016 16:36

Four Maybe she does have something important on. But the dad may not be able to take a day off at the drop of a hat. Also, I think people really are in denial that she could just simply living by the principle, "your day, your problem".

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/05/2016 16:38

Perhaps because it's not her responsibility

I agree with that. It's just MN that's all.

As you were :)

dudsville · 16/05/2016 16:43

I think the issue is something other than who had to do a thing. This is a symptom of a communication problem. If the problem can't be resolved then you need to have rules about everything. That makes life tiring.

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 16:44

Maybe - but it isn't that unreasonable. It's what works for me and my ex. If our DC were really too ill to go to the other parent's house then of course we wouldn't move them but that's never happened.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2016 16:45

Maybe she does have something important on. But the dad may not be able to take a day off at the drop of a hat.

It's what parents of sick children have to do

Canyouforgiveher · 16/05/2016 16:49

the bed or the sofa or whatever thing the child is lying on - being sick and all Worra If my children are sick enough not to go to school they are generally lying down somewhere feeling crap - being, like, sick. They are usually not up to moving to another house if it can be avoided.

I would hate to think of my children being treated like a responsibility that gets swapped about like some sort of unwelcome burden. And I think that applies to the people on this thread saying "his responsibility from 9am, she doesn't have to mind them" and the dad's partner equally. the mother in this may well have had a good reason not be able to stay home; the dad might be delighted to spend the day minding his child.

BoGrainger · 16/05/2016 16:51

I wonder what time of day is actually the 'start' of a co-parenting day? The child is sick so why should the cut off time for the current parent to hand over be 9.00 am? Why not 1.00 am, 7.00 am etc?

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 16:54

9am is what they've agreed. The OP has already said that. If they want to change it to 1 or 7 then they can discuss together and agree to do that?

My kids prefer to stick to their usual routine even if they're sick. They know, for us, Wednesday at 12pm is the handover so if they're off school, that's what they do. It's nothing to do with them being an "unwelcome burden".

Perhaps this child knows Monday is a daddy day and wants to be with their dad?

AyeAmarok · 16/05/2016 16:57

I'm just surprised that she doesn't look after the sick DC as I would want to, being a mother of 3, if they are ill, I want to look after them

Do you say that to the fathers too, or are you just straight up sexist?

FutureGadgetsLab · 16/05/2016 17:00

Can I can remember when I was off sick is lie down for a bit, have a drink, watch tv and read if I felt better, lie down again, get food if I felt like it, maybe go on the computer. Getting in the car wouldn't have bothered me. I doubt the child is so seriously ill going to his dad's will harm him.

MistressMerryWeather · 16/05/2016 17:05

My nephew would be royally pissed off if his dad didn't come get him on their days because he wasn't well.

DB has never had a problem taking days off to take care of his unwell son. It wouldn't occur to him not too.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/05/2016 17:08

Worra Yes I get that, and if the mum wasn't around he would have to I guess and he'd have to face whatever consequences that would hold. But she is here and she is a SAHM, so the most logical thing in my mind that would happen when their child is ill, is that the Mum looks after the child. No matter who's day it is officially.
If she has something super important on, then she could do what she would do if they were still together (seeing as money lost through the dad having a day off would probably be an issue to her), and maybe ask someone close to them to mind the child while she goes to an appointment/funeral etc and then come straight home again.

MistressMerryWeather · 16/05/2016 17:22

So the mother should make arrangements for the sick child because the father is somehow incapable of doing so?

Why is that, what is stopping him?

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 17:23

then she could do what she would do if they were still together

Perhaps what she would have done if they were still together would be to call her husband and have him watch the child rather than asking someone else?

MistressMerryWeather · 16/05/2016 17:25

It can't be his penis because my brother has one of those and is perfectly capable of organising childcare for his son.

It can't be his job because look how many working parents manage the same thing every day.

I'm baffled.

BlueSpanishEyes · 16/05/2016 17:43

If the mum IS receiving maintenance (not saying she is I have missed if it says she is or not) but if she is and this allows her the to be a SAHP comfortably, then if the op's dh was being told asked to take days off frequently, to allow the dc to stay off school, and so decided to be a SAHP while the op worked full time instead then the mum would not be able to moan about her maintenance being cut or stopped. Not saying this is the case with the op but just meaning in general. If
I went back to work ( I am a SAHP at the moment) and my Dp decided to be a SAHP instead because his ex was being frequently unreasonable about him having to take days off when she was at home anyway then I would not feel bad about that meaning her maintenance being cut. Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face.

cannotlogin · 16/05/2016 18:01

He's out working to provide for their child. She isn't. She also has 50% responsibility to make sure the child is financially provided for. As she doesn't WOH then helping the child's dad earn money and childcare is how she does provide

assuming she is claiming any benefits and/or tax credits she is entitled to (and assuming her new partner (if she lives with him) remains happy to support her to stay at home to be with all her children), then she is covering her side of the bargain financially. There is no requirement on any parent to work just because the other parent is.

Many parents are very mis-matched in what they earn. There would be cries of LTB if one half of a 'together' couple demanded that a 50% share of bringing up the children was made, despite differences in their incomes.

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