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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DPs ex should look after child off school

103 replies

LillaW · 16/05/2016 10:49

AIBU to think that if my DPs ex keeps their son off school today then she should have arranged the child care - even though it is DPs day to have children. Ex doesn't work and keeps the kids off school at slightest sniffle then expects my DP to take day off work/arrange child care at the drop of a hat. I am divorced and have 50:50 custody of my DCs with my ex - we have an understanding that if you keep the child off school you are responsible for child care no matter who's "day" it is to have the children.

OP posts:

CupidsArrows · 16/05/2016 13:13

As per the agreement, your partner became responsible for his child at 9am. Sick or not. How you and your ex work it out is irrelevant.

BillSykesDog · 16/05/2016 13:16

I can see how this would cause a problem actually. It has the potential to become a control issue where basically she can call the shots over whether or not your DP can go to work on any given day. Could your DP not ask if he can have the children from the night before 'his' days so he can make the call on whether they're fit for school if needed?

Canyouforgiveher · 16/05/2016 13:17

I wonder sometimes how it would be if the norm after a split was for parents to move in and out of the child's one home instead of the other way around. How many parents would like being too sick to go to work but being told they need to get out of bed and move to another house because those are the arrangements in place.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2016 13:28

Yes, 'flexible' crankyblob

Not permanently chained to the home and never making a single arrangement during school hours.

Especially as the woman is pregnant, so will no doubt have various appointments during that time.

Sunnsoo · 16/05/2016 13:37

I feel bad for those kids.

MistressMerryWeather · 16/05/2016 14:19

Shocking as it may be, SAHP's do have lives of their own outside of raising children.

Besides, as OP's partner and his ex are no longer together he doesn't get to take advantage of any of the benefits of having a SAHP, including flexibility.

As harsh as some of you will think this sounds, she doesn't owe him anything. They have an arrangement and what she chooses to do on the days he has his children has nothing to do with him or OP.

BillSykesDog · 16/05/2016 14:24

Mistress, that's fine. But then he should have the children before his drop offs so he can make the call.

I really cannot see the sexes being reversed, and a mother being told she should suck it up if an ex gave her virtually no notice to announce that her child was too sick to be off work frequently when the child turned out not to be unwell enough to be off in the first place.

In fact, I suspect words like control and abuse would be bandied about.

SymbollocksInteractionism · 16/05/2016 14:33

I don't think YUBU. I certainly wouldn't move my Ill child at 9am because it's not 'my day'. I'm really surprised that anyone would, poor child!
A later change over time of school pick up time would maybe help?

WannaBe · 16/05/2016 14:38

Actually I find it far more bizarre that people think that a switch flicks at 9 AM when the one parent suddenly ceases to be responsible for their child and the other one should take over regardless.

It would never occur to me to tell my working eXH that he needs to take a day off work because DS was ill and it's his day. I became a sahm precisely so I could be there for DS. I am now looking for work but am still at home. This woman is a SAHM as she also has other children. If the parents were together nobody would even conceive of the idea that the dad should take time off work because the mum might have an appointment for instance. In fact, when my DS has been ill on exH's nights he has even opted to stay with me because he's not well and wants to just stay in his bed. Should I shove him out the door because it's not my time? I think not.

FutureGadgetsLab · 16/05/2016 14:41

If the parents were together nobody would even conceive of the idea that the dad should take time off work because the mum might have an appointment for instance.

Yes they would.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean you don't have a life.

Micah · 16/05/2016 14:43

Besides, as OP's partner and his ex are no longer together he doesn't get to take advantage of any of the benefits of having a SAHP, including flexibility

I'd kind of say it does, if he's paying her maintenance (assuming 50:50).

If not, then I agree, his day, and whether she works or not is irrelevant. Same as if he became a SAHD, none of her business.

If he is paying maintenance, then I think she should be taking his need to work and pay said maintenance, and be more accommodating. If she does this regularly, and he uses up all his AL/work goodwill, there will be a point where he cannot take more time off without losing his job. If she relies on the maintenance she should consider this.

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 14:43

If the mum and the dad are happy with it, that's up to them. It seems the only person who has a problem with it in this scenario is the op and it doesn't actually affect her.
If the dad has a problem then he needs to talk to the mum.
There are several reasons why the mum may need the dad to take over at 9am because it's his day - we don't know because the mum isn't here to give her side of the story.

MistressMerryWeather · 16/05/2016 14:49

But if it truly is the case that the children are being kept off school so much wouldn't this be affecting the child's attendance?

This seems to be more about the inconvenience of it all rather than an actual problem.

As for moving the child, would people expect OP's partner to take a day off work on one of the ex's days if the child were unwell?

Can you imagine the responses to that AIBU? :o

MistressMerryWeather · 16/05/2016 14:54

I'd kind of say it does, if he's paying her maintenance

Not really.

If they have an arrangement then he needs to stick to it. Paying money doesn't give him the upper hand in being able to change things because it doesn't suit.

That would be fucked up.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/05/2016 15:41

If she doesn't work then yes she should be looking after her sick child, rather than the child being dumped on someone else just because it's "dad's day". He's at work, she's not. So, what would happen if they were still together?

Absolutely pathetic. That is NOT co parenting!

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/05/2016 15:48

she doesn't owe him anything

See this is where it all becomes about the adults. She doesn't owe him this, he doesn't owe her that. Pathetic. How about just be grown ups and co parent like adults rather than make it in to point scoring match?

She owes her kids something and that is, if she isn't at work she should be looking after them. She owes them that, not the dad. He's out providing for them and it's not that easy to just take a day off.

WannaBe · 16/05/2016 15:53

It has nothing to do with money or maintenance. But the fact is that she is a stay at home parent. Yes, sahms are entitled to a life, but the reason parents stay at home is so they can be there for their children. this doesn't change just because they're now separated from the child's other parent.

Being a sahm is not the same as working full time. If the ex works then he would have to make arrangements to have time off, perhaps even by having to take unpaid leave, while meanwhile the child does have another parent who is at home who in fact was the one who made the decision to keep the child off school.

I have only once ever needed my eXH to commit to having time off when DS was ill, and that was because I had a job interview. The likelihood of having an appointment which cannot be moved due to a sick child is minimal. The ex has other children as well, what does she do with those if they're off sick? Make her new partner take the day off work? Somehow I doubt it.

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 15:54

CantWait, you have absolutely no idea why this woman couldn't have her child today so how about you withhold judgement?

NickiFury · 16/05/2016 15:55

Why don't you just worry about arrangements for your own kids and stop sticking your nose into other people's?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/05/2016 15:58

micha

CM is usually worked out to include reductions based on time the paying parent is fully responsible for the children because it is accepted that they are required to meet their financial needs during this time, that includes childcare.

I guess it comes down to, is he an equal parent or Not, if he is then he is. During the time he is responsible for his child he provides the parenting if he's not an equal parent then he is not and he can defer to the primary parent.

As an equal parent he is fully able to make a decision on the childs fitness to attend school but he gets to make that decision during the time he is responsible for the childs day to day parenting

Micah · 16/05/2016 16:02

*Not really.

If they have an arrangement then he needs to stick to it. Paying money doesn't give him the upper hand in being able to change things because it doesn't suit.

That would be fucked up.*

I agree. What's I'm trying to say is if maintenance money is part of the reason she's able to stay at home, then maybe she should make allowances, if she can, rather than sticking rigidly to "it's your day, you sort it".

He's out working to provide for their child. She isn't. She also has 50% responsibility to make sure the child is financially provided for. As she doesn't WOH then helping the child's dad earn money and childcare is how she does provide.

If she isn't getting maintenance, then yes, she has every right to insist he sticks to his days. But if he chooses to become a SAHD to care for his child as working makes it difficult, then that's no business of hers either. She can't moan he isn't paying his share.

Micah · 16/05/2016 16:03

Sorry needs, x=posted.

Again agree with your points. But if he's an equal parent there should be no maintenance payable, like I said.

If he's paying maintenance she's the primary parent...

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/05/2016 16:04

Four I'm a SAHM and if my child is ill all other plans go on hold. I think that's the case with most parents tbh

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/05/2016 16:08

And Judging by what the OP has said, it's not as though the mum would have her children any other time either. So even if there is something super important on for her today, I doubt she would agree to have her children any other time when they are ill and it's dad's day. So whatever plans she has today, it's all a bit of a red herring because she sounds too stubborn to look after them "when she's not supposed to be" anyway.

MistressMerryWeather · 16/05/2016 16:16

I understand what you are saying Micah, it's hard to tell anything from the OP about the situation.

I'm not surprised how many assumptions have been made about the ex wife and what goes on in her life based solely on the fact that she's a SAHM.

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