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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DPs ex should look after child off school

103 replies

LillaW · 16/05/2016 10:49

AIBU to think that if my DPs ex keeps their son off school today then she should have arranged the child care - even though it is DPs day to have children. Ex doesn't work and keeps the kids off school at slightest sniffle then expects my DP to take day off work/arrange child care at the drop of a hat. I am divorced and have 50:50 custody of my DCs with my ex - we have an understanding that if you keep the child off school you are responsible for child care no matter who's "day" it is to have the children.

OP posts:

crankyblob · 16/05/2016 11:24

Why the changeover at 9am? What happens if the school call during the day? Does you DP have to leave work to collect? Surely it is safer for the child to have the parent with easier access to be the point of call?

I am not sure if she is being unreasonable or not if this is the arrangement that has been agreed! Presumably DP pays a percentage of his weekly earnings in maitenance and this would also be affected if he takes unpaid leave depending on his job!

RockMeMomma · 16/05/2016 11:24

I presume ex was going to drop them to school this morning, and the dp was meant to collect them for his day, after school.
YABU. Op if dc are unwell on their dad's day, it's their Dad's responsibility to take care of them. What has their Father said about caring for his children?

LieselMeminger · 16/05/2016 11:36

If your DP is the one who is responsible for him from 9am then she's not being unreasonable in wanting him to arrange the childcare. There's nothing stopping your DP taking him into school though if he thinks the child is well.

I know it's often assumed that because one parent doesn't work then they should be the back up plan, but unless it's something they've agreed between them, if she has agreed to help your dp out when it's his day then that's fine, but if there's no agreement in place then he shouldn't be expecting her to take over his days because it's more convenient for him. Kids get sick, he should try have a back up plan in place for the days he's responsible for care.

What works with you and your ex won't be what works with others and she may think that because he's responsible for him today, then that includes when the child is sick too. Neither is right or wrong, just different.

LopsyB · 16/05/2016 11:37

It's a nicely complicated situation, she is a SAHM with 2 DCs with my DP, now another with her new DP and another on the way (plus an older one with a previous DH!!), I'm just surprised that she doesn't look after the sick DC as I would want to, being a mother of 3, if they are ill, I want to look after them. Just seems to me that she is being a bit weird to look after one of her DCs but not the one whose ill because she doesn't view that as her responsibility today

RockMeMomma · 16/05/2016 11:37

I don't think the mum is being spiteful. Most parents make a call on the morning, if they feel the child is well enough to go to school or not. I don't see what the mum being a sahp has to do with it. Your partner has a responsibility for his children, even if he pays maintenance.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2016 11:40

If she's pregnant then she may have a hospital appointment, so she can hardly drag a sick child there can she?

Also... I'm just surprised that she doesn't look after the sick DC as I would want to, being a mother of 3, if they are ill, I want to look after them

Does your DP not want to look after his sick child?

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 11:40

Her being a SAHM is irrelevant really. The agreement is that your DP takes over at 9am. If she has younger children, perhaps she feels that the poorly child would be better off with your DP so they have 1:1 attention.

HappyNevertheless · 16/05/2016 11:42

Well I believe that, separated or not, the responsibility to look after a child is still a 50/50 responsibility.
So yes it is normal that your DP has to take time off work to look after his child if he is ill, even though his mum might be at home.

I'm confused to the organisation though.
If he has the child today then surely that's up to him to decide if he is ill enough to stay at home or not?
If it's the sequel of an illness (let's say he has had tonsillitis and has been off for 3 days do already bit still need a day or two more to recover), then I would hope that his ex had let him know that he would need 5 days off as per GP instruction. (Or whatever the situation is, you get the idea).

The situation where it's 'his' day but she is the one to drop off and he is the one to pick up needs clarifying.
I would say that if she is doing the dropping off and doesn't think he is well enough, then she should be responsible to look after him until the pm when your DP will pick him up.
I would remember that this will be true the other way around too.

You could have a different organisation. Let's say change over at 9.00am but I think this could lead to more 'abuse', ie the mum saying he is unwell even though the dad hasn't seen thre child and might think he is OK. OR the dad not saying anything and sending the child to school only for the mum to receive a phone call to pick the child up as he is too unwell.
I think a change over at the end of the school day sounds more hmmm... Practical.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/05/2016 11:43

OP, She isn't you so she won't do things how you do them. Today your DP has responsibility for his child. Therefore it is up to him to sort out childcare if they are sick.

And it doesn't matter how many children she has to how many dads.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 16/05/2016 11:44

This isn't about you thinking she should watch the ill child. This is about you judging her. A lot. It's very obvious by the way you talk about her. Beak out I'd think.

HappyNevertheless · 16/05/2016 11:45

Four unless I've missed something, the OP has never said that the agree,meant is to do the change over at 9.00am

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 11:47

Happy - the OP is posting under 2 usernames. Her post about 9am is at 11.03.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/05/2016 11:47

Happy, OP says it in her 11:03 post.

diddl · 16/05/2016 11:47

"If he doesn't have her til after school anyway, then the mother who kept her off should keep her until then, surely?"

If it's his day then surely she is doing a favour by taking the child into school on "his" days?

Perhaps he should have the child earlier then he can decide whether or not they go to school on his days?

FutureGadgetsLab · 16/05/2016 11:50

But you do seem to be assuming that just because she's a SAHM, she has absolutely nothing else to do today, that might require childcare.

I was thinking this

so it's not as if she is due to be climbing Mount Everest today - just think she can't be bothered to look after both, but maybe IABU to expect her to have same principles as me

YABU, and a twat.

HappyNevertheless · 16/05/2016 11:50

Thank you. I had missed that one. It would be helpful to keep the same username. It's much harder to follow the thread

In that case, yes he should. No discussion.

As I said before, I don't think it's the best situation. It can lead to much more abuse and 'revenge' than changeover at the end of the school day.

This is something that could be discussed and reorganised.
Until then, yes he should.

FutureGadgetsLab · 16/05/2016 11:51

This is about you looking down and being a snooty fucker about your partners ex. Not about being off school.

RubyandAlexplayingfetch · 16/05/2016 11:58

For the future, it'd be easier if the changeover occurred later in the day rather than at 9am, as the previous person said. Then person having the child can decide whether to take them to school (the next day) on time or not.

Canyouforgiveher · 16/05/2016 11:58

So she made the decision that the child was too sick to go to school, then called your DP and said "come pick up the sick child because he can't go to school". Personally if I were at home I would find it weird to call someone to take a child to another house when he is sick.

MistressMerryWeather · 16/05/2016 12:05

I'm guessing if the child were sick and off school on one of her days she would have to reschedule her plans and look after him.

I'm not sure why that doesn't apply to his father?

MistressMerryWeather · 16/05/2016 12:07

But you do seem to be assuming that just because she's a SAHM, she has absolutely nothing else to do today, that might require childcare. That in itself is unreasonable.

This with bells on, just because someone is a SAHP doesn't mean they spend their lives at home.

EatShitDerek · 16/05/2016 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crankyblob · 16/05/2016 13:05

But at the same time surely the purpose of being a SAHM is so that you can be flexible with the children (more so than someone who works) not so that you can have the time (or money) to be pursuing your own hobbies - if you are able to then you are not a SAHM, you are a "kept woman"

DrCoconut · 16/05/2016 13:07

If the parents were together people would think it was crazy to have a working parent take time off for a child's routine illness when there is a stay at home parent. It's surely no different in this case really unless there are other factors not mentioned. If the non working parent is disabled, attending college, doing some volunteering that can't be missed for whatever reason, caring for a parent or some other compelling reason then it's fair to start discussing who does the childcare. But not otherwise. Time off for dependants is costly. Offer to do it if the financial hit is also shared if this is an argument about fairness or sharing.

LopsyB · 16/05/2016 13:12

Thanks for all your input - I think on reflection IABU in that I shouldn't be worrying about their arrangements (in other words keep beak out!). Interesting as always to hear of everyone else's arrangements 😀

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