To have no idea how to have this conversation?

[Chinnychinnychin]

I need to talk to my senior colleague about his attitude and in particular an awful comment he made in a meeting last week. We were discussing a very traumatic disclosure a client of ours had made, and that another member of staff had accompanied the client to give evidence at the place station. I said 'that must have been harrowing' and my senior colleague snorted and said 'harrowing? Irritating, more like'.
I was speechless with shock and fury. The meeting ended shortly thereafter and I left without confronting him.
Obviously I now need to go back tomorrow and explain to him that I cannot and will not tolerate comments like that but I am dreading it. I'm really intimidated by him and I know he's going to minimise and say it's my problem. Can anyone help me work out what to say or do? I'm shitting it but I can't do nothing.

Perhaps just go to the professional body and not the colleague? I don't disagree with your sentiment, but it sounds as though you might be on tricky ground bringing it up direct with your colleague.

The time to speak was there and then. I have been in a situation when I had to deal with a CP issue, Police involved, everyone else except caretaker left the building. 7pm on a Friday evening, work finished at 3. It was a difficult and harrowing situation but also very frustrating and irritating. I don't think for one minute I would have been wrong to articulate the fact that I was really fed up that I was involved in this situation. Didn't mean I wasn't sympathetic to the child - and I had instigated the whole thing.

Yes I know I also find it hard to listen to.

But you have made assumptions that it would be harrowing on your colleague. That's major emotive language right there. She may or may not have found it harrowing. You could have asked which would be more supportive.

The way you have written your op certainly reads as if the process would be frustrating. Which I always find is the case with child protection cases. The paperwork and systems and yes the times of day/week such cases present are frustrating. And dealing with the police is often frustrating as they have their own systems and processes which are different to your own and are frustrating. Understandable but frustrating. If you do not acknowledge those emotions too you do yourselves and your clients a disservice.

At the very most ask him what he meant by his comment. Express your upset. But do not go making mountains out of molehills.

LookJust Cancel - I think going to the professional body would not be a good move unless there is one hell of a back story which involves local investigations etc which indicate that nothing is being to address lengthy unprofessional conduct.

At the moment it is one person's interpretation of someone else's language and he hasn't even been spoken to about this.

I think op as you were there and know the circumstance it would be the height of arrogance for me to assume I know better about the situation than you. I for one will take your word for it and try to answer the question you asked.

Having read through your posts it seems that you want to make the point to him that you found his comment inappropriate because it was I would suggest something like "X I was a bit shocked by what you said about the Y case last week and I thought it was quite inappropriate in the circumstances" with a pointed look. That way you've made your point without having to get into it. However it may well be that as quite some time has passed it would be better to move on and just have a retort ready should he say something similar again along the lines of "I don't think that's very fair/nice/appropriate in the circumstances".

I'd probably plump for the latter unless the discussion returned to the case but only you will know if you can.

I do wonder if some posters lack the empathy gene sometimes and find the casually dismissive and blatantly picky posts telling her what she should think or feel when they were not there disrespectful and arrogant. But then it wouldn't be Mumsnet without someone being a twat for the sake of it.

Surely being a twat would be saying "go for it hunni, tell your senior colleague his behaviour isn't acceptable" and waiting for the update.

It's not being a twat to point out that this could all go pretty badly for the OP and that the colleague has a reasonable interpretation of his words which he could give to HR etc.

user, I'm going by someone else's comment (someone who seems to work in and/or know the sector) that the OP has a duty to challenge this.

Maybe, seeing as he is superior to you, he is suffering from compassion fatigue? Since you are so eager to load up the experience of others with your own feelings, perhaps you should try giving him the benefit of it too?

Being in a caring profession doesn't mean being empathetic and understanding at every minute of every day. He didn't say anything to or about a client in anyway. He said to his own colleagues that he might find an aspect of it all irritating. This does not professionally affect you, it does not change anything for the client, someone elses feelings are not yours to be offended and appalled by. You're over-reaching and actually being rather unprofessional.

Ignore the stupid posts OP, it's open season on Mumsnet at the moment.

Your colleagues comment were odd and insensitive but I'm not sure why you are angst'ing over talking to him about it. Put head around his door and say 'oi, I don't know if you realize but your comment XYZ the other day was out of order, what were you thinking?' Or put in an email if you want a record. I'd email if he has history for this.

I'd have said something at the time.

On the face of it, given the limited information, I don't think your colleague has done anything terribly wrong, beyond making a flippant comment about a serious matter. You are unhappy that he doesn't share your level of empathy. You and your colleague appear to have very different empathy levels - I would have thought there were pros and cons to each of your approaches.

You could discuss it with him, but I think telling him you won't tolerate such comments might be disproportionate and possibly counterproductive.

"It compromises me professionally to have to sit in a meeting and hear such unprofessional opinions being voiced."

Oh give over. No wonder people have such a dim view of social workers as Stalinist Kafkaesque nightmares. Please get a grip.

He was saying that listening to the child recount their story was irritating because the child themselves is irritating.

He was saying that listening to the child recount their story was irritating because the child themselves is irritating

Really? Because that doesn't fit with what you said earlier. Sound more like you are trying to justify your position.

And should you be talking about your clients and your colleagues on the open internet? I wouldn't tolerate such unprofessional behaviour, if I was your senior colleague....

He is in the wrong job! I can't believe how much it's being minimised and excused on here. Disgusting.

I have no advice on what you actually say though. Is there anyway you can actually go above his head and report it? Given he works with safeguarding, I think his attitude is actually quite dangerous. What if it had been disclosed to him? Would he have even taken it further given he found the whole thing irritating!

I recently read the book "First do no harm" about a brain surgeon. I understand that surgeons generally have little empathy, which is why they deal with their patients while unconscious, but it's clear he is an excellent surgeon, and that everyone in his team uses more informal language in order to let off steam in a very stressful job.

Assuming your colleague did a good job at the police station, I think it's a bit over the top to complain about a slightly over the top remark in the meeting.

He is in the wrong job! I can't believe how much it's being minimised and excused on here

But it is normal for professionals to let off steam away from their clients. I personally think it's important for their mental health when coping with difficult situations.

The team who cared for my grandma were wonderful - but she was very difficult to deal with (violent and verbally abusive). I'm sure they said a few things about her in the staff room that were less than professional. But if it helps them get through the day I'm fine with it.

But it is normal for professionals to let off steam away from their clients. I personally think it's important for their mental health when coping with difficult situations

This exactly. It's actually a dangerous move to try and stop people from doing so.

You should hear the things SW's, police, nurses etc say to each other when there are no service users around.....these are very difficult jobs and people who do them are not robots, or perfect people. So someone gets irritated, so fucking what? They do jobs most of us would never want to do,of course they get irritated, and upset, and angry, and pissed off.
IT's called normal human emotion, and OP and her ilk are beyond unreasonable by making normal emotions into something that need to be reported and stamped out.

I've been in the job 2 decades so I've got a pretty good grasp on both gallows humour and letting off steam! And can confirm it was neither. I'm just crap at confrontation, hence starting this thread and asking how to word it.
Anyway - to conclude, I got hold of colleague A and like me, she was appalled at his comment. We talked about what neither of us spoke up at the time and concluded that it was just a bit of a shock and we both did our best goldfish, instead of confronting it. We've made an agreement to challenge it next time it happens. I'm happy with that.
Incidentally, I am far senior in my field than my boss is, but he works in a different field and is my over all boss - confusing I know! He's been there since the dawn of time, I've been here 4 years.

Two decades in the field and you're "shaking with shock and fury" at a 4 word throwaway comment?
Sounds like you're in too long then, you've lost sight of rationality and normal behaviour. It's like the opposite of compassion fatigue, where every word has to be loaded with emotion. I'd be looking to your own behaviour if I were you.

I'm not really sure why, if you have 20 years experience in the field you need to check out with random strangers how to word it?

The response you have described in your last post sounds much more rational than your initial posts.

Glad you spoke to colleague A. If she/he is in agreement then maybe it wasn't an appropriate comment.

Challenge it the next time it happens seems sensible.

Have no idea why posters are being so undermining to you OP. Your colleague was dismissive and critical about the horrendous experiences of a child. Your instincts are spot on.