To have no idea how to have this conversation?

[Chinnychinnychin]

I need to talk to my senior colleague about his attitude and in particular an awful comment he made in a meeting last week. We were discussing a very traumatic disclosure a client of ours had made, and that another member of staff had accompanied the client to give evidence at the place station. I said 'that must have been harrowing' and my senior colleague snorted and said 'harrowing? Irritating, more like'.
I was speechless with shock and fury. The meeting ended shortly thereafter and I left without confronting him.
Obviously I now need to go back tomorrow and explain to him that I cannot and will not tolerate comments like that but I am dreading it. I'm really intimidated by him and I know he's going to minimise and say it's my problem. Can anyone help me work out what to say or do? I'm shitting it but I can't do nothing.

Missed a bit...I'd ask colleague A their opinion.

Haven't seen colleague A.
To be abundantly clear, colleague B was saying that the experience of hearing the child's testimony was irritating.

camembert you are correct

I can see why you thought it was inappropriate for B to say this in front of A and why you would want to make B aware of this. But telling him "I cannot and will not tolerate comments like that" is OTT and will undermine your argument because it's an over-reaction. You would sound pretty pompous.

Can't you just say, "B, I was uncomfortable when you said that because - even if you wouldn't have been upset by going to the police station - A was and we should have been supporting her"?

Not from the transcript. From what you reported it sounds like he said the experience of going to the police station was irritating.

Even if that's not what he meant, it's what he will say he meant

I'm thinking that I've chosen the wrong forum to air this in so perhaps I will speak to my professional body as its seemingly hard to communicate it here.

No, not the wrong forum.

Just that - what DO you want out of the meeting? And if you cannot voice your reasons for having the conversation to us then how will you explain to colleague?

What is it you want? A disciplinary? An apology? What?

naunu listening to a child's account of abuse is always distressing. If it wasn't we wouldn't be human. You get used to it but no ok with it and it is good practice to support colleagues going through the same process.

Ok, you have laid out your rationale there, so say that. But with some edits.
Forget notions like 'offensive '. It isn't offensive as such, as your offended response is not the point. It is inappropriate because an attitude like 'irritation' is incompatible with taking young people's experiences seriously.

I would just say 'can you explain what you meant by your comment the other day? I found it a surprising thing to say given that we are the safeguarding team'.

However, as I see it, you are all 3 there to undertake a function, with objectivity; you take the action decreed in the policy. Of course it is very difficult but I would ask an open question like 'are you ok?' to the third colleague, rather than project a word like harrowing. The professional thing to do is ask how the team member is, not tell them how to feel.

Do you all have external supervision for dealing with upsetting cases?

I think some posters are being deliberately, airily 'meh', passive aggressive, either and would also feel shocked by this man's lack of compassion in RL.

However. OP think through the conversation again. Is it possible it was a throwaway comment said out of tiredness, or an attempt at black humour? Is he generally supportive and compassionate and this is out of character? Don't jump in with both feet and make assumptions about his attitude and intent.

Definitely don't use language like 'cannot tolerate'. I don't work in your industry but I'd be inclined to have an informal chat at least initially 'Listen, I felt a bit taken aback by your comment XXX yesterday, as X's experience was so traumatic, can we discuss the situation again?'.

Sorry for illiterate first sentence.

I want him to know that comments which undermine the experience of the child and of the adult caring for them are not acceptable.

A good point about not projecting feelings. That may be what he was reacting to with his throw away comment.

Better practice must be to ask an open question if you are supporting a colleague?

Thanks sneaky
Yes he has form for being awful in a range of ways - being rude, dismissive, hard to work with - but this is the first time it has professionally affected me. So I need to find a firm but informal way of broaching it.

Your transcript reads to me that he was talking about the situation being irritating (going to the police station, workload etc). I work in a similar field and its irritating when someone rings up with a safeguarding issue at 16.45 on a Friday but I still deal with it professionally.

Would it maybe be best to have a casual chat with colleague A (the one who went to the police station).

See if they found the comments inappropriate and worth challenging.

I personally think colleagues should be able to talk in a much more casual way amongst themselves. Dark humour is often needed to get you through the day. But also not everyone responds to every issue in the same way.

If you say this to him then one or the other of you won't be able to stay working there. If what he said is bad enough (in the specific context) that he'll be moved/dismissed then you'll be fine. But if not, I would make sure I had other options before confronting a senior colleague based on four words in an internal meeting

It's appalling that another colleague would express that they would find listening to the young person and supporting them in this process 'irritating'. It minimises both the experience of their colleague and of the young person themselves. And that sort of attitude cannot be allowed to prevail as it compromises the safeguarding groups integrity.
*
*
Say this to him! It sums it up perfectly! Try and keep your emotion in check but don't let this just pass without being challenged. Good luck OP.

NerrSnerr I would have interpreted it like that. I am very empathetic to clients but when their need for support comes at the worst imaginable time then I feel irritated. They don't know it, but I might say to a colleague that it drives me crazy that this only happens on a Sunday morning or whatever

Thanks for the extra info, OP. I work in a similar field and it sounds to me like this was an unfortunate comment, badly timed, and related to the admin side (his mind may have been on paperwork and time pressures etc) not the emotional side (you were clearly thinking about the psychological wellbeing of your colleague). Sounds like a mis-match.. but not too much more than that. I can't say I would act beyond having a quiet word with him "I've been thinking that your comment last week may have been a little insensitive" kind of thing. Certainly would not get HR involved unless it is part of a wider pattern from him?

He is clearly a bit of an arse, and if he is a real problem for the organisation you could think about compiling a log of issues (including this one) and potentially escalate at that stage.

I wouldn't escalate on the strength of a single insensitive comment unless your colleague is also really keen to do so - it's her experience he was belittling, not yours, and it looks quite odd for you to steam in if she just rolled her eyes and paid no attention.

If he finds a child recounting their experience of abuse "irritaring" he's in the wrong job. You should definitely say something but not in an accusatory way, I like sneaky's suggestion. Ask to clarify his thinking.

do you have regular supervision as part of your job? if so bring this up and let management decide what to do. you sound a bit too close to maintain objectivity and in a setting like yours, staff need to pass their concerns to someone senior rather than taking it on themselves.

tell your manager how you feel, let them deal with it. having a heated debate with your colleague about how a comment has enraged you will not help anyone.

I wonder how long you have been doing the job as I think this may impact on how you are perceived when you address this. The senior colleague does sound like a bit of an arse and sneaky's suggestion is a good one. However, if you have only been doing the job for a short period, you may well get the response that when you have been doing it for a while you will stop reacting like this. I say that as someone who has heard similar conversations about related issues over many years. New staff are often very passionate and driven but address things in a very naive way (very similar to your original post), as they become more experienced they address issues of concern in a much more considered and informed way.

I am also about how you perceive this comment to be out of order and worthy of reporting to your professional body but don't consider posting for advice on a message board an issue. Obviously you haven't breached confidentiality but it isn't terribly professional, particularly given the recent tendency of the daily arsewipe to lift posts for 'news'.

How can you be sure he was referring to the ordeal? Because from what you put it sounds like he's insinuating too work load etc.
My mother worked in childrens care and the paper work was ridiculous to the point you'd have to log when they went toilet. so I can understand him saying "irritating" cause I can only imagine the paperwork that goes with it and it will probably end up with new safety checks and safe guarding paperwork. Don't be so precious. Before you go in all guns blazing be CLEAR on what he meant. Remember he's senior , if you are wrong you're gonna look very very silly.

i am struggling to articulate this but think you need to tread carefully.

You were talking about the experience of listening to the interview, he may well have been talking about the hassle of going to the police station.

Are you a well established member of the team?