To have no idea how to have this conversation?

[Chinnychinnychin]

I need to talk to my senior colleague about his attitude and in particular an awful comment he made in a meeting last week. We were discussing a very traumatic disclosure a client of ours had made, and that another member of staff had accompanied the client to give evidence at the place station. I said 'that must have been harrowing' and my senior colleague snorted and said 'harrowing? Irritating, more like'.
I was speechless with shock and fury. The meeting ended shortly thereafter and I left without confronting him.
Obviously I now need to go back tomorrow and explain to him that I cannot and will not tolerate comments like that but I am dreading it. I'm really intimidated by him and I know he's going to minimise and say it's my problem. Can anyone help me work out what to say or do? I'm shitting it but I can't do nothing.

I agree with others....I can't see why you're so angry because he doesn't feel the same way as you.

I'd say you were looking for something to get him in trouble over.

If it bothered me I'd just say to him 'I didn't like the comment you made last week because...' no way would I involve HR!

I agree that it depends on your profession. In certain environments, this would be incredibly inappropriate and against ethical codes of practice.

As others have said difficult to give clear advice without knowing profession etc but you use of ' shock and fury ' and ' cannot / will not tolerate ' gives rise to thinking you are very easily offended and naive ?

Is the Senior Person usually professional to clients ?

As others have said tread carefully.

Speechless with shock and fury? Over this comment? Good God - how on earth do you manage to get through life?

I agree that you need to be careful of how you handle this, OP. Without knowing the full particulars of the situation, it's hard to know whether your senior colleague was BU to hold the opinion that he expressed. However, I don't think you should rush in and tell him that you won't tolerate his attitude.

On the face of it, I wouldn't call accompanying someone to the police station harrowing.

I need more information to know for sure, but I'd strongly consider letting this go.

who else was at the meeting?
just the two of you, a casual conversation might allow you to express your feelings, several others...I would let someone else judge if it needs to go forward. discuss your impression with your manager maybe you are too new to the role and not understanding of the frustrations?

We were discussing a very traumatic disclosure a client of ours had made, and that another member of staff had accompanied the client to give evidence at the police station. I said 'that must have been harrowing'

Given this event was very traumatic, I think it's unfair to reply as if OP was just talking about having to go to a police station. I also think it's clear this colleague is a bit of a prat.

He's clearly had an empathy bypass. Whether formal criticism is needed would depend on whether your work requires empathy for other people's upsetting life events.

When you say 'senior colleague', do you mean he's your senior? I can't quite see how this is going to work if so. In the case where his attitude is a professional red flag, wouldn't you need to go to his boss (or yours) in the first instance?

Yes but just because OP finds it harrowing doesn't mean everyone else has to besides, it sounds like he was saying having to go to the police station would be irritating, if that is something they do often for work or he has in his personal life in the past for whatever reason and found it irritating then what's the issue?

The story may be harrowing but it doesn't mean going to the police station has to be

Absolute overreaction on your part. Why should he feel it's harrowing rather than irritating. You also shouldn't be deciding what others 'cannot' be saying or what you won't tolerate. Sounds like you are the one to make a big issue of it.

I'm shitting it but I can't do nothing

This exactly what you can do and, unless you are the team leader or manager of this "senior colleague", it's what you should do as it's not in your remit to take him to task for a comment that, while it may have left you "speechless with shock and fury", doesn't appear to have had the same affect on others who were present.

Unless he's got form for being more honest outspoken than most, in which case you should leave well alone, I suggest you approach him when no-one else is around, perhaps over the coffee machine, and say something on the lines of 'were you having a trying day on as it's not like you to be insensitive and I found it odd that you said it would have been irritating rather than harrowing for to accompany to the police station?'

Alternatively, now you are aware that he can be a plain speaker, you could wait to see if he makes what you consider to be another unacceptable comment and challenge him at the time.

That said, I take the view that those who are in the frontline of client/customer relations shouldn't have to watch their language when they are conversing with colleagues who are aware of the challenges that such roles present. You may have found a certain situation harrowing; he would have found it irritating. Both of these viewpoints are subjective and he's as entitled to express his opinion as you are.

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Sorry, I can see that in trying to be vague so as not to reveal too much I've just made it confusing!
I work in a service that provides care for children and young adults. The comment took place in a safeguarding meeting. There were 3 people present. The colleague who made the comment I found offensive is senior to me in the setting but equal to me in the safeguarding role. The other colleague who took the young person to the police station sat in with them And heard their evidence which would have been harrowing (I am privy to the information).
It compromises me professionally to have to sit in a meeting and hear such unprofessional opinions being voiced. To say that listening to a young person give evidence is a difficult experience as a professional and I was trying to acknowledge that to my other colleague (whom I have not seen since).
Hope that makes things clearer.

What on earth?! How do you live life at all?

I find something disgusting. DH says he finds it a bit meh.

I'd be speechless with shock and fury?

I would take that to mean that losing a day in the office while waiting around at the police station then having to catch up all the time is irritating. I don't see why he can't say that to colleagues. Saying it to the young person involved would obviously be unacceptable.

But whatever he did, you cannot tell your boss that his behaviour will not be tolerated and then expect to carry on working there.

Do nothing.

So to make it clearer:
Colleague A '...so I accompanied X to give video evidence at the police station...'
Me 'how was that, must've been a bit harrowing'
Colleague B 'harrowing? Irritating more like'

Maybe it was a bad day, maybe it was black humour or maybe he lacks empathy. Either way, I wouldn't bring it up with him.

Perhaps that wasn't the time to as your colleague about how she/he felt about it. Presumably the focus of the meeting was on the young person.

You don't like this guy, fine, but he's senior to you and I can't see it going well. It's not your battle, why do you want to take the consequences?

I'm thinking that I've chosen the wrong forum to air this in so perhaps I will speak to my professional body as its seemingly hard to communicate it here.
Listening to a young person recount a traumatic experience - one serious enough to be video recorded by the police - can be really distressing. It's appropriate to acknowledge that in a eating as the colleague that took the young person there might need to take some to talk their feelings through.
It's appalling that another colleague would express that they would find listening to the young person and supporting them in this process 'irritating'. It minimises both the experience of their colleague and of the young person themselves. And that sort of attitude cannot be allowed to prevail as it compromises the safeguarding groups integrity.

Such attitudes can promote discriminatory/ oppressive practice. Maybe they are becoming burnt out by caring. I have worked in similar environment and it is awful to hear such views being said, especially when that child needed empathy. Would their irritated attitude have been picked up by the child? In saying that, I think just keep an eye on their behaviour and if anything else concerns you then yes you should take it further.

He said nothing at all about the young person's experiences (from your transcript)

Do go to your professional body, but bear in mind that whatever you decide to do, you are taking all the risks

Just to add, if it is the professional body I am thinking of then yes, you do have a duty to challenge such things.

So how did colleague A respond?

I can't see how bringing this up with him is going to do anything but damage your working relationship.

If you think he generally lacks empathy and is difficult to work with or is unhelpful/off-putting to clients, bring it up with your manager. Otherwise say nothing.

From your transcript, I'd think the "irritating" comment was more about having to attend the station for the evidence rather than their opinion on the actual evidence. More like "how irritating having to go on a Sunday to work".

If it's not the case and this colleague was belittling a child/young person's traumatic experience then you should definitely pursue.

Was there anyone else present that you could ask for their opinion before talking to your colleague?

Oh dear lord.

This is your job. To provide support to children and young people as they do difficult things. as they relive horrific experiences. But to find that harrowing every time? Really?

And if the person who actually took the young person found it hard to listen to but ultimately not that bad. Would that be unacceptable too? You made an assumption. One that to my mind implies the staff member accompanying the young person would be unable to do their job as they are too personally affected by what they heard. Perhaps the senior colleague was just evening out the hyperbolic language you used.

But you seem a little ott sensitive. No matter how horrific the case there will be more and worse to hear. Because that is human nature. There's always someone more evil.