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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off with DH

68 replies

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 21:15

A uni friend of mine is getting married later in the summer - not a massively close friend but an old friend. It's a no kids wedding. As soon as DH found that out he said he would stay home with kids (4 & nearly 2). It's not that far away so we could back home that night meaning getting my mum or his mum to look after the kids wouldn't be impossible but he is refusing to go. He has some fairly strong views re child free weddings (thinks they are bland, anti the wedding spirit, a bit mean/polished) which probably will not go down well here though I kinda agree with them. He's not cross the kids can't go, just says that he's not bothered about going to my friends thing enough to leave kids (he's a very attentive parent, prob as he's the main career). He says he has nothing in common with many of the guests - this is kinda true, this friend & some other uni mates who will be there, is now quite a corporate uber successful type which isn't DH at all and not me either if I'm honest. But he does get on v well with a few of my other mates who will be going. He's unmovable and thinks it's unreasonable of me to be at all pissed off. I just really don't want to go on my own and have to make excuses for him - he's shy'd away from a few similar things as recently he's decided to not bother doing things which he doesn't enjoy if he can. I do get it, which I had the same 'fuck it' attitude sometimes, but am annoyed all the same. Do I have a right to be? Thinking of not going myself as I just not looking forward to going alone when all around me are there with there partners, it feels like a chore now, would rather be with the family!

OP posts:

Sighing · 15/05/2016 21:38

If it is a chore don't go. Put the money you would have spent on travel/ drinks outfit etc towards a gift and wish them well

EatShitDerek · 15/05/2016 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineyReborn · 15/05/2016 21:42

I can see where he's coming from tbh.

And you don't have to make excuses for him. He's looking after his children, who aren't invited to your friend's wedding.

pollyblack · 15/05/2016 21:44

In the same situation we'd do the same as we don't have babysitters. Either I'd happily go myself- or if i didn't fancy it I'd not go either. If you do go you don't have to make excuses, just say he's looking after the kids

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 21:46

Glad you don't think he's being a git, think I needed to hear that. Anyway this thread was started partly as a good friend also invited and knows my situ was trying to pursued me and I knew I needed to RSVP, and literally 2 mins ago the bride texted saying that she really hoped I could come so i felt a bit bad & said replied yes I would be (but on my own). Mmmm still not sure I'm really up for it.

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 15/05/2016 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 15/05/2016 21:48

You should go Op

Don't think it would hurt your DH to go with you tbh especially if you have willing childcare.

totalrecall1 · 15/05/2016 21:50

I think he is using this as a great excuse not to go IMO.

Canyouforgiveher · 15/05/2016 21:51

I'd be a bit upset at my husband if he refused to go to my friend's wedding just because he didn't fancy it. Weddings are much more fun with your partner.

Fine to say he doesn't want to go but where does that end? don't we all do some social things just to be social and support our partners. Dh's cousin is having a graduation party for her daughter. I don't particularly want to go but I'll go because we are one of the few family around, because I like her, because she comes to our things. I wouldn't be raging maybe but I wouldn't be impressed.

LadyAntonella · 15/05/2016 21:51

I don't blame your DH for not wanting to go. I probably wouldn't either in his shoes.

If you absolutely don't want to go without him, then I would say don't go.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 15/05/2016 21:53

You say he's not the main carer; is this because he works full time?

IonaNE · 15/05/2016 21:54

This is a case of two parties clearly stating their wishes and resolving it amicably with no hard feelings: the couple don't want kids at their wedding; your DH accepts this and decides not to go. However, he has no problem with you going. I think this is brilliant and no one is at fault. (The world would be a much better place if people could just calmly and clearly express their wishes, and find solutions that leave no one unhappy!). As it's your friends, you need to decide whether you want to go or not.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/05/2016 22:00

I don't blame him for not wanting to go - that's fair enough (I love child-free evening events, personally!).

If it's your group of friends, I guess I don't really get why you wouldn't want to go alone. If you're in a LTR, do you really spend social events stuck to each other's side when there's a whole lot of your own friends to mix and mingle with?

Fair enough if that really doesn't sound like a good time to you, in which case YANBU to not want to go.

TomTomKitten · 15/05/2016 22:00

Some people want child free weddings. Others don't. Life would be very dull if we were all the same.

He doesn't want to go. Respect his decision. As a consequence, you can go but on your own. Not ideal I know but decide what YOU want to do.

haveacupoftea · 15/05/2016 22:03

I think its a bit shitty not to go to a friends wedding if your kids cant go and you have no problem getting a babysitter. They only have one wedding day and if they choose not to have children running around on their day that is their choice.

Oysterbabe · 15/05/2016 22:06

Go. I bet you have fun.

hobybabo · 15/05/2016 22:07

DH felt very similar about a recent wedding we were invited to, he says he can't understand why people have child free weddings. We went anyway as it was a close friend and he enjoyed himself once we were there, but I wouldn't have made a huge deal about it if he really didn't want to go. I would have declined the invitation myself as well though, rather than going and making excuses for his absence.

Iggi999 · 15/05/2016 22:08

It's only a "chore" to the OP if her dh refuses to go too though. Do you go to events for him, see his friends etc? If people know you have easy access to babysitters, and it's not even overnight, it is clear you just haven't wanted to make the effort. Whether that matters or not depends on the friendship.

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 22:08

DH is the main carer - I work FT, so like spending my weekends with the kids which is contributing to me not wanting to go.

He doesn't like the idea of leaving the kids to go to a wedding but admits to not basically just not wanting to go, he's bit confused very by that up!

The pissed off side of me is expressing what canyouforgiveher is saying - that you just go to these things to support your partner. Well DH doesnt feel that way, at least not about this event. He probably would go if it was family or a better friend of mine, but he's becoming much more resistant to doing anything he doesn't want to go to. He is annoyed with me for trying to persuade him with this type of 'it's what couples do for each other' argument. I just tried again and it began to cause a row so it's not worth pursuing that line of argument again!

OP posts:

exLtEveDallas · 15/05/2016 22:11

Meh. Everyone is different. Neither DH nor I would go to a child free wedding. We just wouldn't. We'd be very polite, decline the invitation gracefully, and wish B&G all the very best.

I don't blame him for not wanting to go. Either go alone and just tell people that DH is home with the kids, or don't go at all. As long as you are polite about it there's no foul.

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 22:18

Damn it lost post but I have to disagree with haveacupoftea - of course having a child free wedding is a right but it's also a right to refuse an invite, this link sums it's up perfectly thisruthlessworld.wordpress.com/2012/09/05/on-child-free-weddings/

Also as my daughter is still bf, baby sitting in the evening is a big deal - I don't mind leaving her but the sitter has to endure screaming at some point so it's a favour I don't ask often and I think DH would rather store the babysitting goodwill for an occasion he wants to go to

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 15/05/2016 22:18

I really don't understand this. I can understand if your children are tiny and can't be left, but are people really saying they wouldn't go to an adult only party, which is all it is? Why? Can you not understand that some people just want adults there? They might not have children themselves or have any in their family - why would they want a bunch of children there?

Dozer · 15/05/2016 22:23

Yabvu for being judgmental about people not inviting DC to their wedding.

Yabu for not really wanting to go without your DH: IMO if you don't know enough people well enough to have a good time at a wedding you are probably not properly friends with the bride or groom anymore and might as well skip it! Loads of parents attend weddings alone because of childcare or whatever, and it's fine.

On the fence about your DH: can understand why he'd prefer not to go when he doesn't know the couple well. What are the other things he's been avoiding though? Big things that put you in an awkward position with close mutual friends or familyu, or just social things with people he'a not keen on

You both sound pretty worried about leaving the DC.

EssexMummy1234 · 15/05/2016 22:23

Why is this an issue, you don't want to go and he doesn't want to go so erm don't go?

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 22:27

Well for me it's about there being limited babysitting favours I can call in as I'm uncomfortable with paying a stranger at the moment (that'll change as the kids grow up) thus there are limited babysitting 'favours' I can call in, i.e. If I get my mum to sit for this wedding I cannot really ask her again a few days later for something else and DH would rather not waste a big favour on a wedding he isn't arsed with. He'd go to an adult part of course but again only if he really wanted to.

he also that he thinks weddings are a family occasion, one of the few parties with all ages there. I do prefer these sort of weddings too, maybe it's the fact it starts in the day makes me think it's just mean to keep the kids away

OP posts:

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