Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be a bit pissed off with DH

68 replies

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 21:15

A uni friend of mine is getting married later in the summer - not a massively close friend but an old friend. It's a no kids wedding. As soon as DH found that out he said he would stay home with kids (4 & nearly 2). It's not that far away so we could back home that night meaning getting my mum or his mum to look after the kids wouldn't be impossible but he is refusing to go. He has some fairly strong views re child free weddings (thinks they are bland, anti the wedding spirit, a bit mean/polished) which probably will not go down well here though I kinda agree with them. He's not cross the kids can't go, just says that he's not bothered about going to my friends thing enough to leave kids (he's a very attentive parent, prob as he's the main career). He says he has nothing in common with many of the guests - this is kinda true, this friend & some other uni mates who will be there, is now quite a corporate uber successful type which isn't DH at all and not me either if I'm honest. But he does get on v well with a few of my other mates who will be going. He's unmovable and thinks it's unreasonable of me to be at all pissed off. I just really don't want to go on my own and have to make excuses for him - he's shy'd away from a few similar things as recently he's decided to not bother doing things which he doesn't enjoy if he can. I do get it, which I had the same 'fuck it' attitude sometimes, but am annoyed all the same. Do I have a right to be? Thinking of not going myself as I just not looking forward to going alone when all around me are there with there partners, it feels like a chore now, would rather be with the family!

OP posts:

exLtEveDallas · 15/05/2016 22:30

I can understand if your children are tiny and can't be left, but are people really saying they wouldn't go to an adult only party, which is all it is?

Yep. And there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with having an adult only party, and nothing wrong with not wanting to go to an adult only party. It's personal choice either way.

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 22:31

Essexmummy,cos I'm guilt ridden and been badgered by another friend to come!!!

OP posts:

Dozer · 15/05/2016 22:33

Mean eh?

More unecessary judging.

He doesn't want to go, fair enough. You could easily go alone but say you don't really want to go without DH, which seems odd when you say you know a fair few people attending. You're also making drama by not RSVPing in a timely way, bride texting etc.

Your not going is bound to be taken as a snub by your old friend.

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 22:36

Exltevedallas: exactly what I think in my rational brain. I've expressed opinion re child free weddings but I'm not expecting the couple to suddenly change their minds and invite kids! But I also think I'm not being a shitty friend to refuse invite due to no kids reason only, well I say that but I do feel guilty as obv I can go on my own. I'm not worried about leaving the DC. I'll miss em but not worried. If I could I would just go for the evening, that would be the perfect balance but it prob wouldn't be worth it given the journey

OP posts:

TheCrumpettyTree · 15/05/2016 22:38

Am I the only person who would actively choose not to bring my DC to a wedding so I can spend time with dh, have a drink and chat with friends, without chasing a toddler.

I love child free weddings and YABU to judge those who have them.

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 22:39

The rsvp deadline is in June! But I've rsvp'd now and I'm going for fear of the snub aspects, just not looking forward to it.

If DH was in my position he'd have refused a week or so ago with no reason no fear of snubbing.

OP posts:

Dozer · 15/05/2016 22:39

It's not "being a shitty friend", but you can't use DC as an excuse because your DH can look after them, so fhe friend will know you just don't want to come very much.

Earlier you said the wedding was close enough to go there and back in a day: you could just do that and not booze.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 15/05/2016 22:42

I'm kind of with your dp too. I don't like 'child free weddings' personally - I know it's it the B&G's choice blah blah - but I just don't like the concept personally.

Fact is, a lot of parents (with a good reliable babysitter on hand) will leave their dc anyway, and have a raucous couples-only time (well, they did at our wedding anyway ).But if people want to bring children, they should be able to. perhaps I've always seen weddings as a family occasion.

Personally, I love a good wedding, but that sort of social situation situation doesn't sit well with everyone.

EssexMummy1234 · 15/05/2016 22:43

Well if your at work full-time all week then spending time with DC on Saturday is probably what they expect, wouldn't DC be disappointed if you went off without them?

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 22:43

Crumpetty - Despite my feelings re child free weddings I wanted to go with DH to spend time with him. But he doesn't want to go.

I'll know about 6 of the other guests, maybe a couple more but not sure if they are coming as they live abroad.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 15/05/2016 22:43

Exltevedallas, are you really saying you'd refuse to go to a party unless children were present? What about parties at friends' houses which start late and are only for adults? Would you really refuse to go to them?

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 22:46

Imperial: I cannot believe she would. DH would of course go to a child free party (unless he didn't want to go to the party in question for other reasons 😜), I think it's what weddings are and the fact that aren't just the evening that makes the child free aspect stand out more. He likes those casual weddings with it all a bit of a free for all mess that the big weddings in our family have been, he's always a tad uncomfortable at smart dos.

OP posts:

Iggi999 · 15/05/2016 23:24

It's not a wedding in your family though, it's someone else's family. I hope you won't be going to hen/stag weekends, spa days, all day 40th birthday celebrations etc without your kids, as no adult should be out in daylight hours without your children it seems!
We never go anywhere together without ours but have no one to leave them with, I'd jump at the chance.

SandyY2K · 15/05/2016 23:32

Some people like child free weddings and I have no issue with that. TBH when my kids were younger I enjoyed being kid free, as long as I had someone to look after them and in the rare event that we could not get a sitter, then he or I would go alone, depending on whose friend it was. I'd only go alone of I knew others at the wedding I could sit with though.

Don't stress yourself if he doesn't want to come, although I know you'd like him to be there. No point if he would be miserable anyway. if you have a single friend, take her as your plus 1.

Original poster

Breadwidow · 15/05/2016 23:34

I'm going on the hen do (one day and eve only) and do not mind admitting it. Weddings just feel different to me. Like a few other posters here I just don't get them being child free. And of course the hen do is a girl day so no baby sitting issue and no feeling odd for better by without DH. I know I'm lame for wanting him there at the wedding. It just feels exposing, as he keeps avoiding a few of these friends who he doesn't dislike exactly but make him feel
Uncomfortable- he's a SAHD mainly and he's always getting questions from them about when he'll be working again, something that his own friends and friends of mine who he does seek out never do.

OP posts:

Jengnr · 16/05/2016 05:21

I would go, let my hair down and have a great time with my mates. It'll be fun and you know the children are in safe hands. Win!

hesterton · 16/05/2016 05:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exLtEveDallas · 16/05/2016 05:59

The issue very rarely comes up. But yes, I have declined an invite before now. A friend was having a housewarming, she made it no kids and accepted that I wouldn't attend. She understood why and it was fine.

I have attended Functions previously that were adults only, but my only childcare options are both now seriously ill, so I wouldn't do it again. Most weddings I would be invited to take place a distance away and involve 1 or 2 overnights. I won't do that for friends or family. It's my choice, and it's a perfectly acceptable choice.

Fratelli · 16/05/2016 06:05

We had the option of taking ds to an upcoming wedding. My mum's having him instead! We rarely get to do anything as a couple and mum offered to have him. We snapped her hand off

Having said that, I would never try and force dp to go to an event he really didn't want to go to, but I think he would come anyway to spend time with me, as I would him. That's purely because we spend little time together as we work opposite shifts in order to avoid childcare costs. This meand we each get plenty of time with ds, but hardly any time together!

If your friends are going you'll have fun I think. Don't not go just because he isn't going, especially if it's the wedding of a good friend.

Baconyum · 16/05/2016 06:08

"he's becoming much more resistant to doing anything he doesn't want to go to. He is annoyed with me for trying to persuade him with this type of 'it's what couples do for each other' argument. "

I'm sorry but if this were a man posting this I suspect they may have been told they were being unreasonable and controlling.

Yes it's reasonable for you to socialise together but it's not reasonable for it to be expected or obligated that he socialise with you every time you want him to if it's not something he will enjoy. Particularly when you admit later that these friends of yours don't understand/accept his being a sahd. Would a sahm accept being repeatedly asked 'when you going to go back to work then?'. Would you accept them saying you should be the one at home with the dc?

Also I don't agree with child free weddings myself, I think weddings are family occasions. I've never been invited to one though, every wedding I've been invited to has been very welcoming of children. And it sounds quite sensible given your current circumstances (young dc, he's the main carer, you don't want to impose on prospective babysitters unnecessarily etc).

NapQueen · 16/05/2016 06:25

In your situation I'd go to the ceremony and the daytime and leave before the evening part started.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2016 06:31

I'd want my dh to come with me too OP. I think he's being a misery not to support you and go with you.

Original poster

Breadwidow · 16/05/2016 07:27

Baconyum- you are right, I totally get why he is uncomfortable and I hate it to. I think they ask partly to seem interested in him rather than judging, he wants to set up his own bakery and has been looking for the right venue for forever and it's impossible to find somewhere affordable so they are always asking him. It's partly why I don't want to go on my own- I'll get the questions on his behalf from a few of those going. They also know I'd rather work less and be with kids more so I guess wants see if we are any closer to that dream. We aren't and it's when I'm asked that I get depressed about it, when that doesn't happen and I don't compare myself I am not (in many ways this situation makes perfect sense, I have an unstresssful job with a short commute and sensible hours that pays me well enough for DH to be stay at home parent!).

OP posts:

Banderwassnatched · 16/05/2016 07:32

I routinely refuse child free weddings, we're a family and if my children aren't welcome on your big day, I don't feel welcome either. I can get quite grumpy about them.

WineSpider · 16/05/2016 07:42

I think he is being miserable, and I totally don't get the "I refuse child free wedding invites on principle" view. But each to their own, I doubt I'd be friends with anyone like that in real life!

If you don't want to go then don't, but don't be surprised if your friendship with the bride is affected by you not going - not because you can't get childcare which would be fair enough, but because your miserable husband didn't want to go with you. I suspect she would be a bit hurt.

A few years ago my DH and I were invited to two separate close friends' weddings on the same day. The friends were one of my closest friends and one of his closest friends and although we would have preferred to be together at a wedding, we couldn't choose between them so i went solo to my friend's day and he went solo to be at his friend's. We both had a great time even though we weren't together, as it was important to us to celebrate our friends' special days. If your bride to be is a uni friend couldn't you just go yourself, leave your husband to it and have a good time with your friends?

Flip

1 2 3