To be a bit pissed off with DH

[Breadwidow]

A uni friend of mine is getting married later in the summer - not a massively close friend but an old friend. It's a no kids wedding. As soon as DH found that out he said he would stay home with kids (4 & nearly 2). It's not that far away so we could back home that night meaning getting my mum or his mum to look after the kids wouldn't be impossible but he is refusing to go. He has some fairly strong views re child free weddings (thinks they are bland, anti the wedding spirit, a bit mean/polished) which probably will not go down well here though I kinda agree with them. He's not cross the kids can't go, just says that he's not bothered about going to my friends thing enough to leave kids (he's a very attentive parent, prob as he's the main career). He says he has nothing in common with many of the guests - this is kinda true, this friend & some other uni mates who will be there, is now quite a corporate uber successful type which isn't DH at all and not me either if I'm honest. But he does get on v well with a few of my other mates who will be going. He's unmovable and thinks it's unreasonable of me to be at all pissed off. I just really don't want to go on my own and have to make excuses for him - he's shy'd away from a few similar things as recently he's decided to not bother doing things which he doesn't enjoy if he can. I do get it, which I had the same 'fuck it' attitude sometimes, but am annoyed all the same. Do I have a right to be? Thinking of not going myself as I just not looking forward to going alone when all around me are there with there partners, it feels like a chore now, would rather be with the family!

Gosh, weddings are expensive. I would never expect invites for the dc except for close family - the flip side being that if childcare isn't available then I won't be able to go. I can't believe the attitude "we're a family so we go together" - my dc are my family but I don't go to school with them and they don't come to my work so we are able to exist separately.
Fwiw I wanted people to bring their dc to my wedding but then very few of our guests had dc.now we're in our 30s most of us have kids so that would bump the price up considerably. Just because it's not your perfect wedding day doesn't mean the bride and groom should pander to you. What a ridiculous thing to be stressed about.

It's not that we can't exist separately, that's silly. They go to school, I work, we spend quite enough time apart without me also leaving them for your boring wedding which will cost me money to attend. If I actually liked weddings I might swallow my displeasure at the 'no kids' thing, but once I've recieved your invite, marked 'no kids please' and a poem asking for my money, you're getting nowt, sunshine.

Tbh it would piss me off if they kept asking. They surely know the economy isn't doing great at the moment, they could wait till you or he said something.

I don't think he is being entirely U - I totally get that he doesn't want to give up the day with his dc for a wedding of people he doesn't like all that much and who make him feel judged. That said, I do think it is selfish to opt out of all activities you don't fancy, when you have a partner who would like to attend some of them as a couple. He is clearly saying that what he wants is more important to him than what you want. Sometimes in a relationship you have to take it in turns to do what you want, in order to make something nicer for your partner.

Still, I guess this opting out of anything you don't like business is fine so long as you get to do it too, without him getting the arse over it. So, don't fancy visiting his parents for a week? Great, don't have to!

With some of what you're saying I t sounds a little bit like you want him with you because you wish you weren't going. Which, if the case, doesn't seem that fair.

But you also indicate this is more than a one off. I would be a bit disappointed in my DH if he started to avoid some of my friends. I go to things he really likes that I don't find that interesting because he wants to share that bit of himself with me and I expect the same in return. Not all the time. But a bit. So if he's doing it a lot (as you seem to indicate) then I would be a bit unhappy about it. I'm with him (and you, and several others on this thread) in sharing the whole child-free weddings aren't in the spirit of the celebration opinion though. So I'd probably be more understanding of this event and more annoyed at another one he ducked out of.

Sometime child free weddings just come down to cost, if the B an G have lots of mates with kids, the cost adds up meaning inviting all kids means they have to exclude other friends. I think your dh sounds very supportive, enjoy your night out.

I don't understand why people take offense at their kids not being invited to friend's weddings. The b&g are friends with you, not your children. When I socialise, I want to see my mates, not their kids. If I was planning a wedding I wouldn't want to double my catering costs or have to book a venue with other people's children in mind.

You don't have to be offended to think it isn't in keeping with what weddings are about. I feel the same about inviting good friends without their partner because you don't know the partner well. Which isn't to say I'm offended by it. Just that it seems to miss the point of a wedding.

The point of a wedding is for two people to make promises to each other and be joined legally. To me it is purely about the two people concerned, not about joining families or indulging parent's desires for a big family reunion/party with all their golf buddies. Therefore the b&g should have the kind of wedding they want and not ferl obligated to have someone else's idea of a good wedding.

The contract (promises, legal joining) is the point of a marriage. A wedding is a social occasion. And you have your idea of what it's about and I have mine. And one person's idea of what it's about being different from someone else's doesn't mean that they are offended by that other idea. Just that they disagree and so may (or may not) be less interested in attending.

You are being picky over wording. A wedding is where the contract between a couple becomes formalised and legal. A marriage is what follows. The social element of a wedding reception is a matter of choice. Of course nobody is obliged to go to a wedding but at the same time a b&g are under no obligation to plan their wedding to suit other people's notions of what it should be.

Plenty of people seem offended that their dc are not routinely invited to other people's weddings.

While I'm sure there are one or two people who are offended just as there are probably one or two people in the world offended by having children at weddings,I really don't see that in the posts here. And definitely not "plenty". People seem to be saying it's not in keeping with their ideas about weddings, or it's too awkward or it seems unfriendly. No one's mentioned being offended have they? The closest seems to be a post about not feeling welcome if their kids aren't invited too and that just talks about being grumpy about it.

Brushing this all off as "offended" doesn't reflect what people have actually said on here at all.

(I wasn't trying to be picky on the marriage/wedding thing, merely to emphasize that we are talking here about the wider social construct of a celebration - not the legalized relationship that is basically between the bride and groom. If you want to call it the marriage I don't care and I'm sorry that it came across as petty picking on words.)

Breadwidow - you are in danger if cutting off your nose to spite your face; you want to avoid your friends because they ask a few questions that make you feel uncomfortable. Can't you just waft off, drink in hand, to dance or speak to someone else? Can you maybe actually pick their brains and ask if they know of any good locations for a bakery, or ask for business advice? Or just change the subject. Don't let your worries put you off going. They are your friends.

My concern here here is that he would start to not want to go places and you are stuck with a dh who is unsociable and a bit miserable. It does couples good to get out on their own and have some fun together. This is a good opportunity to do this. Don't fall into the pattern of him being a party proper. I think it's up to him to join you at a wedding as going on your own is not as much fun.

Sorry but I had a childfree wedding. I was a teacher at the time and wanted a nice day without children involved as I spent so much time with them usually. A few months later my friend had a non-childfree wedding and admitted afterwards that a couple of the children had pretty much ruined part of the day for her (she didn't get a seconds peace from them throughout the entire afternoon including the meal). It was blatantly obvious that these children had overstepped from cute to highly irritating at the time but unfortunately the parents didn't see it. I don't think it's unreasonable of a bride to want to avoid such a situation - unfortunately not all parents realise that not everyone adores their children as much as they do.

Go! You'll have fun catching up with your uni friends. Just say it was easier for DH to stay home and look after the kids to give you a free day and that's why he isn't there.

To answer a few posters, DH's behaviour / attitude in this situation is not a one off but its not a constant pattern either. More that it is becoming a pattern with these particular friends. Its partly my fault, I have I guess just grown apart from a few of these friends of mine - including the bride and another couple who are going and are very good friends with the bride. I have found myself not enjoying their company as much as I did - I leave social occasions with them grumpy, feeling belittled and this has pissed off DH too. He never really had that much in common with them and now I have less in common with them and has been witness to my grumpiness / moaning about them so he doesn't want to have to go and put a front on.

I will go, well at least that is the plan, and hopefully will have a good time. I need to get better at changing the subject like Charley50 suggests - I'd much rather do that then pick their brains about it!

Jeez, if I were the bride I'd rather you just didn't bother.

Not nice to know that one of your guests moans about you every time you meet them, slagging you enough to her DH that he doesn't want to be in your company. Maybe just let them go, hey?