Mother In Law problems, please help me.

[leelou905]

Hello.
I am due to get married in about a week, me and my partner both have a 3 year old daughter.
His mum has always been a bit snidey and off with me since day 1 - my partner tells me it's because I'm not successful and all of the other numerous reasons (excuses) he's told me over the years.

I will try to cut this short.

I've been with her son now for nearly 8 years. In the beginning me and his mum weren't close, she would often make remarks, and buy me presents that basically took the piss Eg a top that was XL when I was only a size 10 at the time. I always laughed it off and never tried to take much notice at the little comments and digs.

Since my daughter was born, she instantly tried to take control. she would take her off me and stand in the corner of the room rocking her to sleep in front of her whole family and leave me there wanting my baby back but not having the balls to say it at the time. Then came picture taking, she would leave me out of the shot whilst taking a pic of my DP and our daughter - that day we drove home and I cried all the way. I couldn't believe how horrible she was being.
Since then its ''oh she gets that off my son'' ''oh she gets that from my daughter'' blah blah blah, its like I never gave birth to her.

She has an issue with telling us how we should parent our daughter, and told us we needed to put her into childcare so that she could play with other children her own age (at the time I wasn't comfortable with it, as we'd just taken her out of a different nursery she had been in for a year) my partner said we didn't want to her answer was ''well I think she needs to go''

So one day I decided to write a message on Facebook, sending it to her, detailing how upset I was with her little digs and basically excluding me all of the time. WELL... she went barmy! she rang her husband, rang my partner, got her daughter... her daughter was sending my partner (her brother) messages saying ''have you seen what such and such is saying about mum'' and was copy and pasting all of the messages I had sent over to him. She tried to bully me into apologising and started twisting it around victimising herself and bringing up incidents (that I apparently caused) that never happened saying its all my fault and I'm the trouble maker.

I've come to realise she's is a covert narcissist. She chose to ignore me for a further two months, even when on several occasions I tried to ring and talk to her, to even apologise for how I may have approached talking to her about it. she excluded from inviting me around for xmas and invited my daughter and her son only. I was very lucky that my partner said no and we had xmas at home instead. She didn't like that and refused to bring our daughters presents around stating that she wanted to watch her open them at hers so they went around on boxing day instead - without me.

I eventually caved, through all of the emotional torment and full on apologised, she then rang up my partner and said ''I read her message I saw it as her apologising, so I accept her apology but I will still give advice and suggestions where I see fit''

I don't know If I can tolerate her anymore, I cant tell if I'm being pathetic or if she's gas lighting me..... I feel so beaten and trodden on emotionally, mentally. She has made comments about how brown hair is horrible (my hair is dark brown) and that my daughters hair comes from her because her hair is blonde.... She has said this to my face.

Am I being unreasonable here, am I being pathetic and just nit picking stupid things? I feel like I never used to do this, its only been since my daughter than I noticed it getting worse.

There is so much more I can add on here about her but I wont as its long enough already and I promised to cut it as short as possible!

This situation will either end your relationship with your partner, or so severely affect the way you feel about him that you'll be posting on here in a while asking what you can do to save it.

I say all this from experience of PILs , and do not for a minute pretend that there are any easy answers, but there are answers.

The MIL can't be reasoned with and won't change. You are marrying him, not his family. I think you need to tell him that his relationship with his mother is up to him. If knowing what she's like - and he's admitted he does - he still wishes to be an active part of her life then so be it. She's not your mother, you didn't chose to have her in your life, and she's making you miserable. Ideally therefore you don't want her in your life.

So, you either go completely nc with her, and accept that your dd only sees the MIL with your partner, or you decide what YOU are prepared to put up with. She has thrown away her right to a normal family relationship. Yes it would be lovely if your dd had a great relationship with her grand mother. But your MIL is not lovely, and as soon as she can tell your dd what she should be doing with her life you can be sure she will.

Your partner can't chose the easy life here, he has a difficult mother. He has chosen to marry you however, so needs to decide where his priorities lie. If he can't back you 100% in the full knowledge of just how impossible his mother is, why would you want to marry him ?

This will only end two ways of it carries on. A divorce or NC with her.
Speak to your DP and if he agrees tell him to back you and stop being a bitch when it comes to his mum. If he still continues being a wimp in regards to his mum cut all contact. Including with your child. She's not setting a great example for her.

You cannot win with these kind of people so don't argue with them simple
Just extracate yourself from them slowly until you're happy with the level of contact
Don't engage because that just fuels their agenda
If they start something finish it by not replying and walking away and get that dh on board with this
Disengage
Th

as soon as she can tell your dd what she should be doing with her life you can be sure she will.

Ballet? What's next?

She will be doing ballet to please GM whether she enjoys it or not -

I'm going to +1 on brassbrass comment. She will never change.

Do you not love your daughter to do whats in her best interest?

I had a grandmother who hated my mother, I wish my mom had cut off all contact with the poisonous bitch. No child wants to see their mother attacked. Tell your DP your MIL behavior will mean your daughter will have psychological problems and you are putting her first. Ask him if he can put the mental welfare of his daughter first as well? Don't talk to her, don't give her anymore excuses and just cut her out. This will mean that she won't see your daughter again either. Remind your DP that one of half your daughter is all you and his mother will eventually abuse (use this word without fear) your daughter as well.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Everything you have said is exactly right and hurts me to think my daughter will grow potentially thinking these things or becoming a victim of manipulation - which is already occurring with this ballet thing.
I have spoke to my DP and he 100% agrees with me that cutting down contact is best, but feels uncomfortable at completely severing it all together.

He does agree with me but just does not actively try to stop it like I do, he has had to put up with this woman for all of his life, he has had all of his efforts sucked from him and I suspect I have only suffered an ounce of what he's endured.

Ive read non of the comments, only the op, it told me all I needed to know.

Op, you only get this time with your daughter once. Are you going to let some woman ruin it? Because thats all she is to you, just some woman. You wouldn't even know her if it wasn't for your dp (who also sounds like an idiot who needs to step up to his mother for the record). You need to TAKE CONTROL. Stop maning about your 'mil problems' and step the fuck up! thats the only way these women will really back off.

She will love it if her son comes and tells her to 'respect boundaries' or 'not be so mean' because that means she is getting to you.

Follow the golden rules for dealing with a toxic mil:

Remember- detach and drop from the 'but shes dd's grandma, she has to see her' attitude. Its getting you nowhere. This woman has no rights over your child and she is not being a nice grandmother by treating you this way.

All contact with your dd must now go through you, if you are unhappy with an arrangement but don't have the balls to tell your DH yet. Just take your DD and yourself out for the day, let him know where you have gone and tell him you will talk later. You can ALWAYS remove yourself, and your daughter from a situation.

This woman is something to your DH, but NOTHING to you, you don't owe her anything. You didn't give birth for her benefit.

If you don't start taking control as a mother she will ruin this for you, believe me.

PM me for a moan or more info. I know what you are going through.
x

I'm going to add, MY MIL used me to attack my mother and since that as a grown woman since childhood I have had issues and find it very hard to connect and have a relationship with my mother.

No way she'd see my child if she couldn't be at least civil to me! Being a grandparent is a privilege not a right and she hasn't earnt that right by the way she's spoken to you and about u.

I be going nc on her and spending the weekends with your daughter instead of her getting that time!

Act now or it'll get much worse believe me!

Thanks. I did need that. I do love my daughter dearly. I don't want her in this environment, this is why I posted.
I want to be proactive at stopping this. I have tried confrontation - it didn't work so needed another way of stopping this.

Stopping contact is going to be the only other option or at least limiting. My partner has agreed at limited contact, he says it would be better if he was at home full time as he can dictate to her what will happen, but I don't see how when she doesn't listen. You cannot fight with her she is a covert narcissist.

I need to stop being so nice and accommodating, I've allowed it to get this bad and didn't realise until now.
I can't do much about the wedding, its booked, its next week, and his dad has flown back for it, can't move it as it's all paid for and would have to give notice again etc etc, I want to get married, her being there is just a small blip.

I'm not going to be posting again, as I've gotten all the advice I need and I'm grateful (even for the harsh ones) as I was clearly drowning in her 'you must do what I say' attitude.
Thank you.

I made a horrible typo and I want to correct it:

I'm going to add, MY paternal grandmother used me to attack my mother (when I was a child like your daughter is) and since that as a grown woman since childhood I have had issues and find it very hard to connect and have a relationship with my mother. I love my mother to bits and only pity the pain she must have felt.

Wish you all the best. My last post here as well.

It's good you're having her st the wedding as it will sicken her how happy you and her soon are!

Enjoy your day - rub it in her face

Even if she doesn't listen you can still tell her how it's going to be from now on.

Hope you have a wonderful wedding day, make sure she parks her broomstick at the back of the room !!

I hope your wedding goes well OP. Can you rope in some of your friends or family to run interference and be a bit of a human shield against her on the day?

Op, you only get this time with your daughter once. Are you going to let some woman ruin it?

This point is important. If you don't deal with this you will look back on this time when your daughter is older and all your memories will be tarnished with all the power struggles with your MIL and how she ruined family time for you by filling it with stress. A part of her probably wants to destroy your joyful time with your daughter. Don't let her.

hes a wimp sorry but this easy life nonsense is upsetting you hispartner an future wife

why wont he do something about it

long story but my mil once told my husband to leave me it was over his children but i not goin into that now

he straight away told her to do one and not contact him again

he never let her speak down to me or be rude-they sortd it out and i did too with her but he was on my side the whole time

easy life is just another excuse i afriad

I would cut the contact slowly, stopping her being along with Dd then go the whole hog. If you do it suddenly she will throw the biggest strop and start threatening, your Dh must be on side.
My Dh was the one to cut her out. I told him I was done, he could visit as he liked on the weekends I worked (twice a month) He went one time and she practically dragged the two year old inside, and stopped Dh going in, told him to come back later to pick up. (she lived an hour from us, no idea where she thought he'd go) He sat in the car for a bit then went in and got him, Ds was very upset and confused as to the treatment of his Dad, never went back again.
Dh said he didn't want her playing the mind games on Ds like she did with her own children. He could see the start of it with Ds. She was bloody evil. I have a ton of stories about her. Yet she was so charismatic, she made deep friendships with people then would punish and dump them over and over.

Hi, just an update as to what's happened. (I know I said I wasn't posting again but you all deserve an update.)

Daughter started doing pirouettes in a class I took her to, when asked to join in she said "no! Nanny says ballet!" (If any of you read previous posts, I posted that my MIL had been pushing the idea onto my daughter after we had told her we weren't interested in doing it) anyway, I told DP what she said. He went off the rails, rang his mum, she denies everything (obviously) even though she would often tell me what she has brainwashed my daughter ballet wise every weekend when dropping her off.

Now the subject of it is trivial - I would take her ballet if she asked me. It's actually the manipulation and disrespect of going against our wishes that grated on us.

She turned to him on the phone and said "I'll talk to you on Skype about it later - or maybe I won't" my DP said "I don't want to talk about it with you, I've told you I'm angry and it's stopping" she then says "I'm angry too" !!!
Anyway, 3 days later she hasn't spoken to him she's doing her ignoring tactic to make him feel excluded. However, she was meant to be picking him up from the airport this weekend and he's now looking at trains home.

Looks like she won't be coming to the wedding after all! oh and I'm also stopping her from taking our daughter every weekend.
I'm sure she's sat at home thinking everyone's panicking about the way she reacted but truth is, I'm glad.
As I said, the ballet thing is trivial, it's the lack of respect and manipulation she's done to my daughter that bothers me.

I think you're handling this really well. Thank God you're keeping your DD away from her. It's very damaging to ignore a child's interests and instead push your own wishes (for ballet or whatever else) on her. You may find she's been doing this in more subtle ways too. Subtly moulding her into the grandchild she wants rather than letting her be the child that she is with her own interests. This would be very damaging for a child if it was allowed to continue. Ignore the ignoring and enjoy the space it gives you until she approaches you. She sounds very emotionally immature. U therefore need to imagine that you are dealing with a 6 year old. Be clear on your expectation, be firm, don't fall for manipulation. Your reaction sets a precedent and if manipulation or guilt work she will use them again. Good luck! If she really is narcissistic these people are really hard work.

Well done OP. I'm sure your Dh will find a train home. His Mum is a real control freak.

Thanks. She is a control freak.
And she is definitely emotionally immature.

Well done OP

"He does agree with me but just does not actively try to stop it like I do, he has had to put up with this woman for all of his life, he has had all of his efforts sucked from him and I suspect I have only suffered an ounce of what he's endured."
You're falling prey to your own niceness gain here. You accept he's suffered, but apparently his suffering has not taught him to protect his wife and child from the person who made him suffer. I think you need to stop seeing his behaviour as 'anything for quiet life' and instead see it as him throwing you and DD under the bus. He needs to shape up.

"My partner has agreed at limited contact, he says it would be better if he was at home full time as he can dictate to her what will happen, but I don't see how when she doesn't listen. You cannot fight with her she is a covert narcissist."
No,he won't dictate, will he? Because that will not give him a quiet life. Quite the opposite.

OP, you posted earlier "he isn't cutting his mother out completely, he just doesn't have a close bond with her any more so I suspect he will still go to his parents house when he is on leave." 'On leave'? Does this mean he is in the forces/on an oil rig/not around full-time? And you have to deal with MIL on your own?

Good! This was tip
Of iceberg - hopefully she's stubborn and doesn't come to wedding X