Mother In Law problems, please help me.

[leelou905]

Hello.
I am due to get married in about a week, me and my partner both have a 3 year old daughter.
His mum has always been a bit snidey and off with me since day 1 - my partner tells me it's because I'm not successful and all of the other numerous reasons (excuses) he's told me over the years.

I will try to cut this short.

I've been with her son now for nearly 8 years. In the beginning me and his mum weren't close, she would often make remarks, and buy me presents that basically took the piss Eg a top that was XL when I was only a size 10 at the time. I always laughed it off and never tried to take much notice at the little comments and digs.

Since my daughter was born, she instantly tried to take control. she would take her off me and stand in the corner of the room rocking her to sleep in front of her whole family and leave me there wanting my baby back but not having the balls to say it at the time. Then came picture taking, she would leave me out of the shot whilst taking a pic of my DP and our daughter - that day we drove home and I cried all the way. I couldn't believe how horrible she was being.
Since then its ''oh she gets that off my son'' ''oh she gets that from my daughter'' blah blah blah, its like I never gave birth to her.

She has an issue with telling us how we should parent our daughter, and told us we needed to put her into childcare so that she could play with other children her own age (at the time I wasn't comfortable with it, as we'd just taken her out of a different nursery she had been in for a year) my partner said we didn't want to her answer was ''well I think she needs to go''

So one day I decided to write a message on Facebook, sending it to her, detailing how upset I was with her little digs and basically excluding me all of the time. WELL... she went barmy! she rang her husband, rang my partner, got her daughter... her daughter was sending my partner (her brother) messages saying ''have you seen what such and such is saying about mum'' and was copy and pasting all of the messages I had sent over to him. She tried to bully me into apologising and started twisting it around victimising herself and bringing up incidents (that I apparently caused) that never happened saying its all my fault and I'm the trouble maker.

I've come to realise she's is a covert narcissist. She chose to ignore me for a further two months, even when on several occasions I tried to ring and talk to her, to even apologise for how I may have approached talking to her about it. she excluded from inviting me around for xmas and invited my daughter and her son only. I was very lucky that my partner said no and we had xmas at home instead. She didn't like that and refused to bring our daughters presents around stating that she wanted to watch her open them at hers so they went around on boxing day instead - without me.

I eventually caved, through all of the emotional torment and full on apologised, she then rang up my partner and said ''I read her message I saw it as her apologising, so I accept her apology but I will still give advice and suggestions where I see fit''

I don't know If I can tolerate her anymore, I cant tell if I'm being pathetic or if she's gas lighting me..... I feel so beaten and trodden on emotionally, mentally. She has made comments about how brown hair is horrible (my hair is dark brown) and that my daughters hair comes from her because her hair is blonde.... She has said this to my face.

Am I being unreasonable here, am I being pathetic and just nit picking stupid things? I feel like I never used to do this, its only been since my daughter than I noticed it getting worse.

There is so much more I can add on here about her but I wont as its long enough already and I promised to cut it as short as possible!

If parents aren't invited to the wedding I don't understand why you have told her before the event.

"she's been teaching her how to do pirouettes and forcing her to watch Angelina ballerina... Is that a bit weird?"

Possibly, but given what you've said, not really a surprise.

What is weird is that MIL is given time alone with your daughter.

Where was the point in mentioning something that you wanted to keep private to someone who
-would probably expect to attend the wedding of her son
-you don't want to invite
-because you want to KEEP PRIVATE?

You sound as if you have lost your sense of self and good boundaries. Gaslit by your OH's changes of mind.

You need to be careful over this. From what you've said, no one has your back, and you are the only one who really has your DD's back. So be very careful about what you do now.

BillSykesDog She's very good at manipulating and gas lighting people. I wish we could have no contact but she lives 5 minutes away.

EatsShitAndLeaves I'm gonna be realistic here, the wedding is next week and she has already gone and bought her dress and my partners dad has travelled back from the middle east to attend our wedding so I'm not prepared to be a massive diva and tell them no. I have just come to terms with it and on this occasion admitted defeat - I realise now I should of said something sooner but this is how bad it has gotten I don't feel like I can physically stand up for myself because its me against them. I'm not going to win. I do want to marry him by the way, he's not a horrible person he actually just can't stand her either and he is with me on this... Just not as passionate.

I had 18years of the comments before I was pushed to this. I kept telling my OH the things she'd said but he always brushed them off as "oh she doesn't know what she's saying". It was only when she made a comment insinuating that our child may end up severely paralysed and in a wheelchair when older (our child has no medical issues or anything to bring about such a comment, it was just a way of her being a bitch) and luckily it was caught on camera but not actually noticed at the time as we were recording our child trying to stand from crawling. Even typing what she said has brought a lump to my throat!

If your MIL says this stuff in front of you and I'm assuming your partner, next time it happens IMMEDIATELY turn to your partner and say "Did you hear your Mother just say XYZ about me to OUR daughter?". Like my OH he's probably used to her 'ways' and it goes in one ear and out the other. If you immediately pull her up on it as soon as it happens right in front of her (not later at home, when she can then twist it back to your partner), maybe then things may change. Or next time she bitches about you to your daughter, deep breath, stand up, take your daughter from her arms and say "Don't ever speak about me to my daughter like that ever again" and then walk out the house - or if she's in your house, be brave and tell her to leave. You only have to be brave to her face once to make her realise you aren't the meek kitten she thought you were. Don't be a kitten, be a lion! x

She sounds a bit like my MIL and SIL. Luckily they live too far away and don't visit often. They have seen my daughter who is 20 months old 5 times in her life. Show no interest at all in the real life child but want lots of photos etc!

If they do see her they don't interact.

There was huge falling out over our wedding, lots of tears on my side but I then I had spent a lot of time bending over backwards to accommodate requests - invite certain people to then be shouted at that they didn't want them there anymore after invites had gone out, being told they didn't want any photos of them and their family together, then 6 months later being told off for not having said photos done!

I have zero communications with them - all is done through my DH - he gets as frustrated as I do. DD Christening caused a lot of issues, again.

My advice would be to back away, tell DP to tell them not to come to the wedding, and leave all communications to him. Try and stop the weekly visits to give you some space. You do need DP to get on board and it does take a while - I think my DH had his rose tinted glasses removed seeing his sister rip into me over most things she had caused around the wedding, the christening was the proverbial straw.

Re pictures, they have none of my DD with me or husband, as for wedding pics up in their house they only have one of them, SIL and DH not a single one with me in!!

I put a huge effort into seeing the funny side and not letting it get to me!

Everything EatsShitAndLeaves has said.

hi diddl we told them before hand because my partner was worried she would blow a fuse if she found out after. She blew a fuse anyway so it all ended the same way. Too late to take it back now hey.
I didn't think leaving my daughter with her grandparents was odd, I thought that was normal and natural. I'm not a horrible person, I'm not going to be all guns blazing and restrict contact.

I don't feel like I can physically stand up for myself because its me against them. I'm not going to win. I do want to marry him by the way, he's not a horrible person he actually just can't stand her either and he is with me on this... Just not as passionate.

Well until he is you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain. I'm not sure what response you wanted to your post. If you were just venting then that's okay, but if you want advice, well there's shedloads and you need to take it.

Lele - stop trying to be so nice. You don't need to be nice to people who aren't nice to you.

'Very lucky that my partner said no' There's something massively wrong here. You feel lucky that your partner didn't go elsewhere for Xmas without you?! The immediate response to excluding you must always be 'well we're not coming either then.' Your family (you, your DP &DD) need to stick together and have each other's backs. Your MiL is trying to undermine that. You DP is backing his mother up above you. Your marriage will not work unless he prioritises you first always above his DM. He needs to be telling his mum that when she upsets you she upsets him. He needs to call her out when she crosses a line and then you stand firm. Do not give in to guilt tripping, tears or the involvement of other relatives. It may take months of ignoring her antics to finally get the message across. dont give in and apologise next time

Woobeedoo thank you for that. That made me smile.
I'm sorry you have such rotten PIL's, that's such a horrible thing of her to say and so good that you caught it at the right moment though. I think I need to start recording every visit I have from my MIL.

Greengagesummer they were told at the request of my partner as he believe she would blow a fuse if she found out after we had a secret wedding. She went nuts anyway so can't win. I didn't mean private as in nobody knows... I meant as in it was just us two attending the ceremony. It's not a secret we're getting married though I understand where you're coming from.

Have a look at the response to this letter and try some of the tools on this website. I've found it helpful dealing with a similar character to what you describe www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5027_qa.html

I also get the constant comments of 'oh she gets that from us' it really really grates but I have assigned it to a box in my head of they don't know anything else to say!

It is equally good and bad things though!

Nanny0gg Like I said above. My partners dad has flown from middle east to attend the wedding so I'm not going to tell them they can't come. After all, he isn't the one causing the drama - she is. I do need to somehow bring this to her attention though and perhaps cut the weekly visits down. She often skypes my partner (he works away) whenever I say no to something she wants. He does tell me, but doesn't tell me to conform to it, he knows I won't anyway.

Sunsunsunnydays Thank you, I'll take a look at it.

Don't marry your partner until he is 100% commited to having your back. That may or may not happen. He's watched this play out for years and not stood up for you enough to stop it so far. He's supposed to have your back ... even if that means telling his mother where to get off and removing all of you from her presence if she can't behave.

This has gone on too long, and seems unlikely change. You would be perfectly justified in cutting her out of your life and that of your daughter. She is not a good grandparent. Good grandparents don't undermine the parents of their grandchildren and treat them like this. If she can't be respectful and polite, she doesn't see ANY of you.

Same for your DP's sister. If she can't be respectful/civil etc, she's gone, too.

You need to advocate for yourself and your child, and your partner needs to back you. If they can't treat you well, they can't be in your lives.

Going on what you've posted I believe you'd be very foolish to go ahead with the wedding as your biggest problem in you DP not the MIL, she's a symptom of your problem with your DP.

Is it not a bit wrong to cut them out of my daughters life like that though? I mean, I know you're all saying do that. But I honestly think that's extremely harsh, my daughter likes going to her house and enjoys days out with her, I feel like I would be taking her away from that.

No way would I allow her at your wedding. From now on, NC. I would not allow her see DD either - she is a pretty shit grandparent if that's how she treats the mother of her GC. She'll be filling your DD's head with toxic crap. I would just be telling her to fuck off.

Also, you have a DP problem - he should be telling his mother to stop this shit.

Maybe I'm missing something here then. My DP does stick up for me, he HAS spoken to her on numerous occasions, he knows what she is like.
He DOES agree with me, and he understands how challenging she is when confronted. He just opts to have little contact with her as possible, but isn't rude to her. I don't believe the problem here is my partner.

Look at what you have written about her!

Why on earth would you inflict her on your daughter?

X post - do you think your DD would be happy going to this woman's house when she hears horrible things being said about her mom? No, it'll be upsetting for her. You need to protect her and not expose her to that narcissistic bitch.

diddl because she doesn't aim the abuse at my daughter, she aims it at me. I never felt that my daughter was being dragged into it. But maybe now I'm realising she is, because she's being manipulated into things she's not even shown an interest in. It has been very hard for me to understand how she works, I never knew what a narcissist was until I met her. She is truly soul destroying.

So her son has as little contact as possible, she's a bitch to you but you leave your daughter with her?

cocnutpie because it would be an assumption that she was saying things to my daughter about me. I don't know what she say's when she has my daughter. My daughter just tells me dribs and drabs, nothing that's normally malicious.

diddl yes she's a bitch to me. But i'm not going to be a bitch back by stopping her from seeing and having a relationship with my daughter. Its a bit harsh.