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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's time consuming hobby

81 replies

PhloppysFonics · 14/05/2016 12:12

DH has a time consuming hobby, it's something he does every weekend for 5-6 hours on a weekend morning. Sometimes he asks in advance if a competition is coming up and he will play both weekend days. Sometimes a competition will take all day.

He also spends a week with mates on holiday doing this hobby once a year.

We have one preschooler and one on the way.

AIBU to ask for a hobby free weekend every now and then? E.G. Once every 6 weeks? Once a month? Wherever could go away for a weekend or do things around the home? Or just spend time together?

It's also relevant that my family live away so hobby often prevents/interferes visits to family or from family.

OP posts:

coffeeisnectar · 14/05/2016 12:15

While I think having a hobby is great, when it takes away every spare bit of time from the family I think it's unfair on the other person left at home with the dc and housework.

I know that having children shouldn't change you massively but when he committed to having a family, he should commit to actually spending some time with the family he's helped create.

I don't think yabu at all and I would be asking if he could scale down his hobby so you have some family time on a regular basis plus he has a day with the kids once a month leaving you free to do whatever you wish, even if it's only sitting in a cafe reading in peace.

DoinItFine · 14/05/2016 12:16

Of course YANBU.

Life changes for good parents when they have children.

Your family life is completely dominated by his hobby.

That's not fair at all.

BeckyMcDonald · 14/05/2016 12:20

My husband had to give up his weekend hobbies (football and cricket) when we had more than one child as it was too much. He was quite happy for me to have the same amount of leisure time but I pointed out that if he was out all day on Saturday and I was out all day on Sunday we'd spend zero time as a family. I don't think committing what is essentially a full day every week to a hobby is reasonable or fair when you have very small children. Your priorities have to change and you have to colonise. There will be many who will disagree with me.

My husband still has two nights each week where he does his hobbies. They're after the kids are in bed though.

sidsgranny · 14/05/2016 12:20

Am guessing golf?

No, you would not be at all unreasonable to ask for a clear weekend every now and again. It's important for your sanity and also that you have family time together. Do you get time to do things for you?

My DH plays cricket every Saturday between April and September and also is groundsman so spends a lot of time preparing pitches for both our adult teams and also the kids teams. So I do know how difficult it can be with small children. I used to really resent it but to be honest now DS is older he is often playing with friends on a Saturday afternoon and I find I actually get a few hours to myself to sit and read in the garden!

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/05/2016 13:45

YANBU, it's selfish. Everyone is entitled to their hobbies, but not when it comes before family life, especially when you have a young child and a baby on the way.

Can he not play every other weekend and do alternate competitions, for example? He is entitled to some time out of the house but family life and small children need to come first.

LotsOfShoes · 14/05/2016 14:09

Yanbu - very selfish of him. I don't really understand it either. I have never met a single dad in real life who thinks it's ok to spend so much time on a hobby every weekend. I only hear about them on MN.

coco1810 · 14/05/2016 14:21

I too am a golf widow and it used to really get me down when dc were younger. DP also has an annual golf holiday away from us not to mention the endless Sundays where I was tackling Sunday lunch, housework, homework, bath time single handedly. Decided enough was enough, the nagging wasn't working so I started playing hardball.

If dp was playing golf, he doesn't get a Sunday Roast. The kids pick something else.

I do no housework on a Sunday, if DP has no shirts for Monday, I direct him to the ironing board (or his mom!).

The kids and I (and puppy where applicable) have been on many adventures on the train instead of staying in.

His annual golf holiday, I also have the week off work and I spoil myself and make sure the kids have little treats too.

This really got to him because (a) the kids were more excited when he went to golf because it meant a "mommy adventure" and (b) he realised that our kids are only little for a short time and he was missing out spectacularly.

HE now arranges golf free Sundays or if he has to play, he tees off late so we can do something as a family first.

Put your foot down OP, this isn't fair!

TheCrumpettyTree · 14/05/2016 14:26

Yanbu. Also do you get a holiday and hours to yourself every weekend?

Original poster

PhloppysFonics · 14/05/2016 16:16

Thanks for your responses. I do get time to myself and he'll often give me whole afternoons or even whole days off to myself. That's why it has worked to an extent with one DC. However like a pp mentioned if he is out all Saturday morning I don't then want to be alone Saturday afternoon - I want to spend time together! I just don't think that will work in the long term. It's not the lack of me time I need it's the lack of together time or tackling jobs at home time.

I have brought it up and it didn't go down well. He refuses to discuss it and will just go very quiet.

I need to make changes now before DC2 comes along.

OP posts:

Noodledoodledoo · 14/05/2016 16:58

I am in the same situation but view it differently. I do two things on week nights, DH gets Saturday morning. I am due DC2 in 2 months time.

I argued with him to join the golf club again this year, he needs his time to him and if he didn't play golf he would do nothing.

I have found a class for my eldest on a Saturday morning I can take baby to as well, which gives us something to do. When he gets home he normally takes eldest (20 months) to the shops to grab the weekly fruit and bits and whatever he wants to cook for Sunday dinner which is his job!!

I may think different when DC2 arrives, but my logic is the first few months they won't be mobile, and having had the discussion he knows its not an automatic thing for next year but I would like to make it so as he does nothing else for him. He doesn't do golf holidays those I would have an issue with!

He is also quite happy to not go at a weekend if something comes up - which I try to avoid as the annual membership is pretty high so try to break even!

harshbuttrue1980 · 14/05/2016 17:16

I don't think that him having one morning a week of "me time" is a big deal. People need more in their life than just working and being with their partner and kids. You presumably see him for the rest of the day and evening on his golf day, and the full day and evening on the next day. He shouldn't have to be a daddy martyr.

On the other hand, of course the same applies to you. If you want some child-free time, then he should let you have this too.
I would really struggle to be with someone who expected me to give up all of my interests and spend 24/7 in a loved-up cocoon. Too suffocating.

Noodledoodledoo · 14/05/2016 22:05

Harshbuttrue1980 am so glad you also posted was thinking I was a lone voice in not objecting.

My DH does a hell of a lot to help with our DD and around the house (he does all the washing and ironing) and will easily step up with DC2 as well.

He is also incredibly supportive of giving me time to do my work at home, which is a necessary part of my job, by taking our DD out when I need much needed time.

peggyundercrackers · 14/05/2016 22:13

When you say he has a morning for 5-6 hours do you mean he is back by lunchtime that day? If that's the case I don't think it's a big deal having a few hours to himself/yourself. It also sounds like you have lots of free time to yourself if you want it. I think it's important to have things to do outside family, it gives you a bit of sanity away from the madness that family can be at times.

Naicehamshop · 14/05/2016 22:14

He is being totally unreasonable- you know this. When you have v young children you don't get to do exactly what you want all the time. Things will probably change when the dc are older but in the meantime he needs to step up.

Littlecaf · 14/05/2016 22:19

Have you tried saying "I'm booked up next weekend on Saturday morning for a skiing lesson/book club/parkrun, I think there's an event at the library so you could try that with the DCs" and see what he does?

peggyundercrackers · 14/05/2016 22:26

But surely if OP gets an afternoon or a day off completely from everything why shouldn't her DH?

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 14/05/2016 22:33

I reckon I'd be ok with half a day as long as we both got that. Not whole days and not both days. However I also think he needs to make a commitment to keeping some weekends free to travel to your family.

The holidays would piss me off as our annual leave is gold dust.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2016 22:43

It's a yabu from me. I think 'me' time is fine. And he's happy for you to do the same.
My dh plays golf, it's non-negotiable to him that he plays once a week, and the deal is that he plays the earliest he can. He would also not play if we had a weekend away booked.
I don't think we need to give up our hobbies when dc come along.

thenightsky · 14/05/2016 23:11

DH has a weekend-eating hobby. The DC got into the same hobby over the years no pushing by me, oh no.

Now I have DH and DC free whole weekends

JinRamen · 14/05/2016 23:42

I am the same. Dh plays every Saturday, early until around 2-3pm. The difference is I oftwrn work Saturday night and always work all day Sunday somout family time is really limited. Couple time also limited as I also work two week day evening where we literally pass in the door way. :(

BeALert · 15/05/2016 02:13

Let him know next Saturday morning that you're off out.
And Sunday.
And the following Saturday.
And the following Sunday.
Keep going till he decides it is worth discussing...

MangosteenSoda · 15/05/2016 02:48

I wouldn't have a problem with one half day per weekend as long as I could have the same if I chose to and as long as he would be flexible to allow for weekends away, unexpected events etc.

I think I'd have more of a problem with the week away, especially with 2 children to look after. If you don't mind him having that leave allowance without you, I'd insist on having a week's holiday at another time of year and leaving the kids with him.

peggyundercrackers · 15/05/2016 05:59

BeALert Why would anyone be so much of twat to do something like that?

Pearlman · 15/05/2016 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EponasWildDaughter · 15/05/2016 07:11

Hang on hang on.

5-6 hours on a weekend morning. Sometimes ... if a competition is coming up he will play both weekend days. Sometimes a competition will take all day.

How often is it not just one morning? This is crucial info. really. Both days on a weekend or a whole day maybe 4 or 5 times a year would be ok for me. Especially if i was being given time to myself if i wanted it to 'compensate'.

Both days once a month or all day once a month would get a bit waring.

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