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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's time consuming hobby

81 replies

PhloppysFonics · 14/05/2016 12:12

DH has a time consuming hobby, it's something he does every weekend for 5-6 hours on a weekend morning. Sometimes he asks in advance if a competition is coming up and he will play both weekend days. Sometimes a competition will take all day.

He also spends a week with mates on holiday doing this hobby once a year.

We have one preschooler and one on the way.

AIBU to ask for a hobby free weekend every now and then? E.G. Once every 6 weeks? Once a month? Wherever could go away for a weekend or do things around the home? Or just spend time together?

It's also relevant that my family live away so hobby often prevents/interferes visits to family or from family.

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 15/05/2016 07:12

Pearlman I would have thought if you have a hobby which you know what time it happens every week it's easy to plan around. Why wouldn't you ever be able to make plans? Literally 1000s of people up and down the country must make plans around their hobby, their kids hobbies and their DHs hobbies.

TheWiseOldFairy · 15/05/2016 07:12

I don't know OP. I think the ever week thing is what is unreasonable because it means you can never plan a family day out. That would get to me. Could he play (I'm assuming golf) in the evenings in the summer so you get your family weekends back? I don't think the ocassionally weekend morning - or day - devoted to a hobby is unreasonable but not every single week.

Crucially, you should get equal time off to pursue your hobbies (if you have them) or to just chill out. Do you get that? If not, I can see why you're feeling resentful.

My brother is a keen golfer and used to play every weekend. Since having kids, he still plays but not to the extent he did when he was single.

peggyundercrackers · 15/05/2016 07:16

Crucially, you should get equal time off to pursue your hobbies (if you have them) or to just chill out. Do you get that?

OP has said her DH gives her half a day or a day off to herself.

GreenRug · 15/05/2016 07:21

I think it's a tough one. My dh does a hobby which takes him out one night a week which means I have to leave work (slightly) early, collect kids and get them home, dinner, bed, etc. All fine at various stages throughout the last 6 years when the kids have been different ages but when there's been a new born in the mix he's had to compromise until I feel 'able' for it, particularly when number 3 came along. He's done so mostly willingly which means when I do feel ready for the routine on my own I feel less bothered about it. Your dh is going to have to discuss it OP, even if that means he's telling you he is still going, ignoring you being unhappy about it is not going to go in his favour ultimately. For what it's worth, I wouldn't be happy at all if dh hobby took him out for the majority of one of only 2 days when the family are together, particularly as it sounds like you have the kids all week. Saturday just becomes another week day for you.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/05/2016 07:34

He gives you time off?

roundaboutthetown · 15/05/2016 07:37

Do you work, OP, or will you be going back to work? And does your dh work? If yes, how on earth does he plan to fit in a week's holiday with his hobby mates every year as well as helping you cover school holidays? And what if your children want to take up weekend hobbies? Will his obsessions always have to take priority?

Colourfulpast1975 · 15/05/2016 07:38

Gosh people, can you please read the op properly ??? She wants more FAMILY time, she is not after more me time !YANBU

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/05/2016 08:23

The thing is, everyone has a different need for independence and time away from their partner. If this was a woman posting, and her DH had complained about her taking one morning a week to do something for herself, everyone would be shouting about him being controlling. Possessiveness doesn't enhance a relationship. We are individuals before marriage and before children, and should still be individuals afterwards. Of course, it would be a different story if he was never at home, but one morning a week really isn't a big ask. I also think its good for kids to see dad (and mum) having a regular hobby, sticking with something etc.

peggyundercrackers · 15/05/2016 08:31

It's a bit extreme to be calling a hobby an obsession that someone does for 5 or 6 hours once a week.

DoinItFine · 15/05/2016 08:36

Wanting your weekends to be a time for relaxation and to have a bit of flexibility around plans is not "possessiveness".

If your need for "independence" is so high that you need 5-6 hours off as an absolute minimum every single weekend and will often be gone all weekend and are unwilling to vary this to accommodate a wife and children's wants and needs, then best not to lumber yourself with a wife and children.

There will soon be 4 people in this family. All of those people are important and some invented "need" for independence doesn't mean the other adult's wishes are secondary to yours.

His golf plans are affect8ng her relationship with her own family FFS.

And he won't discuss adjusting his plans in the slightest to recognise his growing family.

What a shit.

If his hobby was playing the X Box I doubt we'do have the same level of support for his intransigence and inflexibility.

PresidentCJCregg · 15/05/2016 08:39

It's not the hobby as such; it's the fact that family time comes below the hobby in terms of importance.

When DD was born DH gave up his golf club membership because it meant he barely saw DD 6 days a week instead of just 5. That's the right priorities. Not pissing off for weekends and holidays while your children grow up essentially without you.

Pearlman · 15/05/2016 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2016 08:56

It just depends on absolutely everything else doesn't it, and no situation is the same, so what other people think is fine, might not be fine for your family.

It's absolutely fine in my family for my dh to play golf one morning every weekend and have a week away playing golf every year. I don't mind, we can afford it financially for me to have as much of a break if I choose (i do), he only works 5 mins away for 35 hours pw, so we still get plenty of family time, no restriction on annual leave for either of us (own businesses).

So, for us, it's fine. For others, it's not. Describing him as a shit whilst not knowing anything really about their lives is just nonsense.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 15/05/2016 08:58

DH plays golf at the weekends. The deal is that he tees off at the first available time - which is usually 7am. So he is normally back here by 10.30 and it doesn't suck too much time out of the weekend and it is only one of the weekend days.

CheesecakeWarrior · 15/05/2016 08:59

Yanbu. I don't get why men (& it is mostly men so don't have a go cause I missed out the odd woman) feel that nothing in their lives needs to change when they have DC. They don't have to give up these hobbies but I would expect DP to be cutting back if it too up half of every weekend. Limited family time/not able to plan things/limited time for you without DC..

Pearlman · 15/05/2016 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PhloppysFonics · 15/05/2016 09:44

I haven't read all the posts yet I hadn't realised people were still posting! Thanks, I will read them all.

Just wanted to point out that my original AIBU is that I want a free weekend every now and then rather than it being absolutely non-negotiable . I'm happy on the whole but it stops us going away at weekends and it cuts massively into time when friends or family come to stay with us.

OP posts:

DoinItFine · 15/05/2016 09:50

The deal is that he tees off at the first available time - which is usually 7am. So he is normally back here by 10.30

The operative word here being "deal".

All couples with children have to agree how free time is shared out in the family.

Nobody gets to have "non-negotiable" time consuming hobbies and children unless they are a selfish and exploitative partner.

I've always been very glad DH loathes golf, but actually I could deal with your deal.

paxillin · 15/05/2016 09:52

I would expect him to drop some weekends for family time and holidays or visitors. I would also expect him to take the kids when needed during his hobby slot, he is a parent. If the hobby is such that it can't be dropped here and there and that kids can't be present, it is not appropriate for the parent of young children. He can take it back up when the youngest is a teen if it stops all parenting.

Original poster

PhloppysFonics · 15/05/2016 10:07

Ok, read them all now.

The issue really isn't about me wanting him to stop his hobby.

Eg. This weekend. DH out all yesterday 7am- 6pm. I knew in advance and he reminded me again and again to make plans so I wouldn't be bored. I saw a friend with DD it was lovely. Today he's out 7-2. He made me a cup of tea and promised to do washing up when he got home. He plans to take DD out and gave an 'afternoon of fun' with her.

He's not a bastard he just really really loves his hobby.

He said the afternoon is my own. Great, however I really miss him and although I had lovely quality time with DD yesterday and he will have QT with her today I really want nothing more than to be together.

I feel like I have the horrible choice of choosing family time or me time because unless I forfeit my me-time there is no family time.

As an aside, DH has a job with lots of holiday so the annual holiday isn't really an issue.

Apologies to those who are annoyed by the vague term 'hobby'. There's another thread going about it. Trying to be vague as I have a friend on here and I'd rather not be outed.

OP posts:

DoinItFine · 15/05/2016 10:13

That is not the kind of weekend I would want with a young family.

I think it'should quite shit to leave your pregnant wife alone with a toddler for almost the entire weekend as anything but a very rare exception.

Lots of us have things we love to do. But when our children are little there is far less time to go around for doing those things.

He is taking time from both you and from his daughter with a hobby likeep that.

When you have two children, he will not have free weekends any more. You will have a baby to look after and his job will be to look after the toddler until things settle down.

I don't really think making a cup of tea makes up for how he'said treating you TBH

Original poster

PhloppysFonics · 15/05/2016 10:16

Also in regards to the going away. I have been asking to go away for a weekend for about 3 years to no avail. My neighbours have been away two weekends in the last two months - I'm so jealous!

After this thread I've decided that I'm just going to book it and tell him in advance that we're going!

I need to play him at his game I think. Set weekends to visit my family in advance and tell him he's going.

OP posts:

IrishDad79 · 15/05/2016 10:22

I'm assuming the hobby is golf too. Golfers are knobends. If you marry a golfer, you're marrying a knobend.

glassgarden · 15/05/2016 10:26

Refusing to discuss suggests he knows he doesn't have a Good case, or he takes a 'my way or no way' approach to family life

glassgarden · 15/05/2016 10:29

If you want to play him at his own game then you need a time consuming hobby which you must indulge in because you really really love it so much, just like he loves his

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