To not want to breast feed?

[LouBlue1507]

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant and have decided I'm going to bottle feed my baby.

I know breast is best but the thought of breast feeding really grosses me out and makes me feel sick. It's not something I will feel comfortable doing either.

Not only that but I don't want my baby stuck on my chest all the time.

Before I get flamed, I have nothing against women who choose to breastfeed, I have no problem seeing it, Just the thought of me doing it myself grosses me out.

Are there any other mums to be that feel the same or similar? x

I work a lot with new moms and giving breast feeding support and I remember one mom who was absolutely beside herself because it wasn't working out and her 6 day old baby had lost weight. She was a very low point and I heard her say to her husband that she wanted to give the baby a bottle and he said to her (regarding the breast feeding not having worked) "Well you obviously don't love the baby properly otherwise he'd be feeding right"

His wife was in absolute tears when he said this to her and I just couldn't believe it. I was gobsmacked that a man could say this to his wife who was trying so hard and was so emotionally vulnerable.

As part of my role I see mothers who are desperate to breast feed and others who say "I'll just switch to formula" and there is such a range of reactions inbetween those two stances too.

Breast feeding can be very emotive to some and a complete non-issue to others.

It fascinates me when I see women who are absolutely desperate to feed as I can't help but wonder what has led them to have such strong beliefs.

Need, sorry, should have checked back to see which DC it was. So, in light of the situation at your local hospital, do you think that if all the parents of babies who have been affected by the lack of tongue-tie treatment there (which is a nonsense, any midwife with a long fingernail can treat tongue tie!) started a campaign to get that sorted, then more babies born there would be able to bf? Worth at least a quick tweet? Start an FB group? Use your local forum to raise awareness?

I agree that this is an issue that resonates with parents for a long time afterwards, even when we know that it may well have not altered our babies' outcomes. But there does seem to be a degree of passivity around the lack of support available in many areas, worse in areas where there is a very ingrained culture of not breastfeeding. We do, as a country, need to address why our bfing rates are so bad in comparison to other comparable European countries. And I'm afraid that will mean scrutinising both those who had to stop early on and those who refused to try. Because unless there is some biological different between British breasts and, say, Dutch breasts then the reason are, I believe, primarily cultural in both the lack of desire and the lack of support (and the lack of complaining to improve support).

Having said all of that, I think that every breastfeed counts so everyone who gave it a go, even for just a day, should consider themselves to have benefitted their baby.

"But as I say, in real life it's just a distant memory to most people who are too busy getting on with the next stage, so they just have a chilled 'each to their own' attitude."

But that's because you're not interested in it except in regards to yourself.

Note: it's not all about you.

I don't get why people have this attitude towards infant feeding and not towards anything else. People can post about the diets of older children and there will be a wide ranging discussion encompassing people's personal experiences of family food during their own childhoods, their own experiences of feeding their children, social trends, international comparisons, wider health concerns and trends. And NOBODY comes on and says 'oh in a few years time your children will have left home and you won't think about these issues any more, and you won't care about childhood obesity'.

You want people to see infant feeding as a trivial issue because then we don't have to worry about the fact that the whole subject has become an emotional cluster fuck in the UK.

"Having said that, you'll always get a tiny number of obsessive posters on this subject who will almost 'take over' the whole thread and just keep banging the same old drum,"

You come on every sodding thread repeating the same old things about how it doesn't matter how babies are fed, how nobody will worry about it in a few years time, etc etc. You are banging the same old drum and have been for years.

Why can't you just accept that there are a range of opinions on this subject which are mostly sincerely held?

Why do you feel the need to stop anyone who is not towing your line from taking part in the conversation?

So, in light of the situation at your local hospital, do you think that if all the parents of babies who have been affected by the lack of tongue-tie treatment there (which is a nonsense, any midwife with a long fingernail can treat tongue tie!) started a campaign to get that sorted, then more babies born there would be able to bf?

Perhaps they could. It is up to the mother of course. I think I would have persevered more if it wasn't so painful. It became that bad I dreaded picking her up. Plus she was struggling to stay latched. On a bottle she was fine. Bottle tests are bigger than my nipples. We even had to make sure we got bigger sized dummies for her cos she was struggling to stay attached to a dummy. At the time I never knew about tongue tie. It's only in the last 6 months that I've begun to realise how easy it is to treat at birth and I resent the hospital for it. I'm not saying it could have helped with me bf but I think it is a big factor.

Mind you I'm pretty sure my ds has upper lip tie that has yet to be picked up so that's fun

If someone breastfeeds despite feeling a personal reluctance to do so, it might make them postnatally depressed. Or it might not. It might be that they have a really good experience of breastfeeding despite an initial reluctance to do it.

That's true, however I'd bet most women's opinions wouldn't change. Those who find it "gross" for example usually have an aversion to bodily fluids, something unlikely to go away.

And postnatal depression is common. How much does it impact on the way women treat their babies? Are all babies of depressed mothers damaged by their mother's depression?

I wouldn't say damaged but I think it's well known that children of depressed parents are more prone to depression and its related anxiety. How much is genetic or not we don't know.

Anyway, point I'm making is that the response you've given is often wheeled out as a way of addressing the problem of reconciling the belief that breastfeeding is best for babies, with the view that all choices are equal when it comes to parenting.

I don't think all choices are equal but I do think that what's right for one family isn't necessarily right for another. There will be a "best" but it won't be the same for each family.

Need so would you drop your hospital a line to that effect? Because as long as no parent kicks up a fuss when a perfectly preventable situation was not prevented to due I don't know what lack at this hospital then it may well never change, and more and more babies will be denied the option of having breastmilk that their mothers are keen to give them. Maybe contact your MP, after all governments make it their business to encourage bfing and discourage (in that it can't be promoted) ffing, but they haven't a leg to stand on if willing and able mothers are being stopped in their tracks by a simple treatment not being provided in your area.

In fact, imagine if every single parent who was unable to bf due to this or any other lack of support contacted their MP. From what I've read on MN that could be a fair amount of parents (if dads contacted them as well). Perhaps then notice might be taken that promotion of bfing can count for a lot more if adequate support is provided. There was a lot of fuss made in my area when local bfing cafes were closed. If the correlation between infant feeding and childhood and adult obesity is that strong then governments should be held to account.

I felt same as you. And to be honest still felt quite like that when DD arrived. For some reason because I was producing tonnes of milk I felt I should keep trying. It was hell at times but it felt like the right thing to do for me and DD. However you feed your LO will be fine. You may change your mind but don't feel you have to.

Sorry, I don't mean to make a point of you, Needs but that situation is absolutely disgraceful, it's made me very cross! If I was even vaguely local I'd do a bit of fussing myself on your behalf!

No worries River
I am actually glad you are cross on my behalf because my dh thinks I'm over reacting about it.

Would it worth mentioning it now since it was three years ago?

In fact, imagine if every single parent who was unable to bf due to this or any other lack of support contacted their MP.

I would be interested in this but I have no idea what I'd say. When I asked for breastfeeding help I was given it but they just put my boob in his mouth and walked off, instead of actually showing me what to do and wouldn't look at why he kept coming off after 3 seconds.

No one told me I had oversupply either and I had an awful time trying to resolve it.

There was no one specific problem, it was just breastfeeding didn't come easily and no one helped make it easier. I wasn't particularly attached to it thanks to the pain it caused so I gave up.

I'd have liked the option to continue for longer, and better support would be great but I have no idea what to say as I don't really have anything to complain about.

Yes, I think so. I would do a bit of digging first to see if the situation is the same (local forums?) but yes. As mini said, it's a public health issue.

I don't know if a group such as the LaLeche League might have some sample letters you can send out?

I also think the should be support for those who, like the OP, find the idea gross, or who've had perhaps a sexual assault or similar who may have very justifiable reasons for not wishing to even attempt bfing. But it's very difficult, it must be offered and done very tactfully because you don't want the end result of someone feeling more wretched about it than they did to begin with!

Hmmm. I think I will look into it then. Thank you.

mini has it spot on.

Best of luck!

I was gobsmacked when I asked (begged) midwifes (in the ten days after birth) for help regarding breastfeeding.
I was in agony, my dd had a very strong suck reflex and I was ready to give up.
All I was told was to phone the breastfeeding help line.
Don't midwifes help mothers to breastfeed? Isn't that apart of there job?
I had breast is best thrown at me everytime I saw a midwife!
But when it came down to it I was left to it on my own.
I did keep going with help from my fab hv, and still going well 17 weeks later.
But breastfeeding was very hard to start with, and I can totally understand why people give up.
I just wish there was more help, and also woman looked out and supported each other no matter how a baby was fed!

Your body your choice! But I'd be looking into why you find it gross, that's quite a concerning statement. That someone finds it too difficult to bf is one thing, to find it disgusting is another. Hopefully baby's arrival will change your mind. I never really gave it much thought and here I am 4.5 yrs later breastfeeding two kids. Ultimately it is not what is 'best', it is the normal way to feed and ff has its risks. If those risks can be avoided then all the better.

sleepy do you have bfing cafes in your area? The midwives at the ones in my borough were experts, much more so than the midwives in the hospital, though they were pretty good too - possibly because the majority weren't British? I remember one who, when poor tiny weak DD was struggling to latch, just took her head in one huge hand and my boob in the other and just kind of clamped them together in some miraculous way. I wanted to take her home with me (DH's hands weren't as big as hers!).

Sleepy I phoned that helpline several times and no one answered. Glad you managed to make breastfeeding work!

My breasts are pristine, lol! Very firm and perky. Maybe some women can get away with breast-feeding and still have nice boobs afterwards. I wasn't prepared to risk it.

. You seriously believed the shape of your tits to be more important than your children's health? What an utter moron you must be.

Why do you feel the need to stop anyone who is not towing your line from taking part in the conversation?

Well this is kind of my point mini. I accept that in the UK in 2016, FF is absolutely just as good as breastfeeding and that there is no 100% proven evidence that tells us otherwise.

Any 'proven' difference seems to be environmental, along with a mix of other factors, rather than down to milk alone.

Unlike the 'drum bangers' who take over threads like this, I very much have an each to their own attitude, when it comes to women's choices.

Unlike some, I really don't have a line that I wish people to tow because as I said earlier, milk feeding is such a tiny part of life and it's one that most people in RL don't give much more thought to once they've stopped doing it.

If you breasts are that important to you then don't get pregnant, that's what's going to do for them, not breastfeeding you utter numpty.