to think this is a bit shit of my friends?

[brushyourtongue]

I've got a small group of friends I've known for many years.

We've always met up during the year, and additionally on each of our birthdays (which are spread out through the year).

Anyway, over the last couple of years we've got worse at organising meetups, meaning that we'd end up meeting in say March for friend's birthday which had been in January. So one friend (A) said last year let's make more effort and do 'something' for each birthday (previously we'd just meet for drinks, or at one of our homes). So, we started this last year, and it's gone ok. We've been for tea, theatre etc - plan was that the rest of us would split birthday persons 'day' between us and that would be their present. Sounds good, right?

Until now when it's my birthday.

When asked back in Feb, I'd said I wanted to do an activity. Nothing really 'active' (not GoApe or anything!) but something fun. Would involve some time on your feet, but far from strenuous. At the time everyone said ok. We'd agreed a date this coming weekend when we were all free - 3 months in advance. I'd left it to them to book etc.

A few weeks ago A (who is organising) said that B was 'doubtful' as she had a 'bad leg' . Not quite sure what's wrong with her, A didn't know, but apparently as of today it's still a problem. Although she's not been to her GP and drives 30 mins to work every day so I'm not sure how bad it actually is. She's said she definitely can't do the activity, but why didn't we all go to Zizzis instead? I hate Zizzis

Now other friend C has also bailed as she has to pick a family member up from hospital, she did at least apologise and say let's do something else another time.

B hasn't contacted me directly.

A is pissed off with B and C, as the activity was booked/paid for and isn't refundable - and she's paid for B & C herself (they were going to pay her back on the day).

I'm just fed up that everyone else has had a 'nice' birthday and I haven't. 3 months notice and it's not happened, and now it looks like no-one is going to rearrange anything either!

Possibly I'm coming across as uncaring because I feel that no care has been shown to me.

I have responded to friend C and wished her family member well, I did that on receiving her email and apology that she wouldn't be able to attend. For logistical reasons she wouldn't be abe to attend at all that day even if we did something later.

I've not been sympathetic to B because she's not contacted me and I'm not suspect there isnt actually anything wrong other than she doesn't want to come/has decided she doesn't want to pay. The vagueness of her reply to A suggests as much. If it was a long term condition I'd have expected her to say some weeks back she definitely couldn't come. We could then have tried to find someone else in her place.

There isn't anyone else who can make it, other friends have plans, or no childcare. So it doesn't look like we'll be going, or doing anything.

OP - when you heard that your friend had a bad leg and couldn't go, did you contact her to ask how she was? A good friend would.

I can understand that you're hurt, but I think you have to take control of your feelings and the situation. Even though you feel no care has been shown to you - you can take the high road. How about this:

Phone B and say 'I'm really sorry to hear your leg is still painful and you can't do the activity - I'm sorry I didn't realise it was so bad. That's a good idea about going out for dinner, but I'm going to try and postpone our plans first - there might be a chance we can all do it when you are feeling better and when C can make it too. Would you like to do that?

You may well be right that B is just trying to get out of it - and if that is the case then you can't change that, you just accept and move on. It could be though that there is stuff going on for B that you don't know about. Reach out to her and see what happens.

In your position brush, I'd pay for a taxi there and back.

Yes, it will cost, but you will have enjoyed your birthday treat and A will not have wasted all her money.

I do take the point that the dynamic of our friendship has changed.

C is and always has been a very busy person with a wide circle of friends, also the work she does often involve working at weekends/evenings so it can be difficult to find a time when she is free...last year for example when trying to arrange (in Oct) some pre-Xmas drinks there were only 3 dates in the whole of Dec she could do.

A has a large group of 'couple' friends with her DP, but not really any other close girlfriends, which I think is why she is keen to try and keep the group going. Also because when things aren't arranged, C, and especially B, say what a shame it is, how they miss our get togethers, what close friends we are etc. Hence why A and I have kept arranging things (we do meet up often anyway without the other 2) because they seemed to want the meetings to continue. But maybe we'll make less effort from now on!

So have you bothered to see if you can get other people to go?
I would be a bit miffed but this is a bit over the top and sounding childish now.
If it was me and an activity I chose to do I would try to see if I could get people to go in their place. I would also pay half (price of two tickets) to A so she isnt stuck with paying for four people. Offer the tickets to other friends at a lower price - more likely to accept then. Yes this was supposed to be your treat but on this occasion your friend is left with the whole bill. This is why money should be collected upfront IMO. I have been 'left with the bill' before.
Definitely still try to go.

And ring B!

Oh and I wouldn't bother anymore to arrange a get together with everyone. Sounds as though the friendships have been outgrown

The whole thing doesn't sound so fun. You yourself have said you didn't really want to do the activity someone else chose, and now some people don't want to your activity and/or have other reasons not to do it. I think life might be too short to do activities that you don't all really like- so in future, perhaps going with one person who really wants to do it, and meeting for a drink another time might be more doable.

The thing is, there shouldn't be a huge 'obligation' aspect to friendships, once you start feeling obliged to turn up or having to do things you don't really like to do just to maintain the group, it will break up anyway as it has stopped being a fun event and has started to be a chore.

I think out of four events in a year, it's pretty inevitable that busy people will have to cancel one of these, and unluckily it was yours.

I think your attitude to C stinks, and B is debatable, perhaps her leg does genuinely hurt, perhaps she is tiring of doing activities she doesn't like and has taken the easy way out, hard to say.

It is asking for trouble to arrange an out of town activity that you can't drive to or get to independently months in advance with four people IMO. Cancellations are really common (cold, illness, need to help others, work events)- that's why meeting in bars and restaurants are popular, as you can change them easily and cancel them and rebook easily as well.

I think this is a learning curve, OP, and getting cross at your friends (which I understand as it is frustrating) won't really get the desired result, which is a good ongoing friendship group.

The problem with arranging anything at the last minute is that C is never available.

We also found that when it was 'just drinks' it would get cancelled as the implication was it didn't really matter. Planning a more specific event was, for the previous 3, more successful.

I've asked other people. No one is free. Unfortunately I don't have money for a taxi, nor can I afford to pay A.

I don't think of this as much of an ongoing friendship group any more. There is between myself and A, but not really with the other 2 as I rarely see or hear from them, B in particular.

So you've only got A's word for it that B isn't coming. Maybe she will come after all?

Have you rung the venue to see if they'll agree to rearrange the date, as I and others suggested?

I didn't make the booking, A did. I believe she has contacted the venue to cancel/rearrange, but I can't contact her whilst she's at work to find out any update.

I get it op.
Pillows you're right but the difference is the op did those other things, even though they wouldn't have been her choice. That was the agreement from the start, that they all got to choose.

Its hard when friendships change. I used to have a group of girlfriends, and we all celebrated birthdays with a huge girls' night out each time. Gradually, we just stopped bothering once we got into our 30's. We seemed to all be in unspoken agreement about not bothering, but your OP has made me wonder if maybe one or two of them might actually have still cared about birthdays, and they might have been hurt when the rest of us stopped bothering.
Just let it go - "activities" are a bit marmite, and maybe they didn't want to go in the first place (although they should have been honest about this). In future, I wouldn't expect these friends to bother about your birthday, but likewise, you shouldn't have to bother about theirs.

Is yours the last birthday in the group?

I don't usually have a big fuss for birthdays, but last year our group decided to do 'something' for each birthday as we only get together a handful of times a year and two of our group are emigrating later this year. Since that day we've done 6 of 7 birthdays and four have announced they're no longer 'doing' birthdays. After someone else pointed out the fact that it's just coming up for my birthday the four have said they'll 'come for a drink or something but nothing all day' (i.e. nothing like their theatre trip or the joint one which we had a weekend in London for).

So if it's something similar you have my sympathies. It's quite shit when you realise that your friends don't view you in the same way you see them.

If it's just circumstances and a one off then it can't really be helped.

I feel for you OP if you are the last in the group and it is as though no-one really cares.

Surely A won't have to pay for 4 tickets though if nobody else goes?