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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is a bit shit of my friends?

92 replies

brushyourtongue · 12/05/2016 21:43

I've got a small group of friends I've known for many years.

We've always met up during the year, and additionally on each of our birthdays (which are spread out through the year).

Anyway, over the last couple of years we've got worse at organising meetups, meaning that we'd end up meeting in say March for friend's birthday which had been in January. So one friend (A) said last year let's make more effort and do 'something' for each birthday (previously we'd just meet for drinks, or at one of our homes). So, we started this last year, and it's gone ok. We've been for tea, theatre etc - plan was that the rest of us would split birthday persons 'day' between us and that would be their present. Sounds good, right?

Until now when it's my birthday.

When asked back in Feb, I'd said I wanted to do an activity. Nothing really 'active' (not GoApe or anything!) but something fun. Would involve some time on your feet, but far from strenuous. At the time everyone said ok. We'd agreed a date this coming weekend when we were all free - 3 months in advance. I'd left it to them to book etc.

A few weeks ago A (who is organising) said that B was 'doubtful' as she had a 'bad leg' . Not quite sure what's wrong with her, A didn't know, but apparently as of today it's still a problem. Although she's not been to her GP and drives 30 mins to work every day so I'm not sure how bad it actually is. She's said she definitely can't do the activity, but why didn't we all go to Zizzis instead? I hate Zizzis

Now other friend C has also bailed as she has to pick a family member up from hospital, she did at least apologise and say let's do something else another time.

B hasn't contacted me directly.

A is pissed off with B and C, as the activity was booked/paid for and isn't refundable - and she's paid for B & C herself (they were going to pay her back on the day).

I'm just fed up that everyone else has had a 'nice' birthday and I haven't. 3 months notice and it's not happened, and now it looks like no-one is going to rearrange anything either!

OP posts:

BeaArthursUnderpants · 13/05/2016 06:51

OP, I have kids and a busy life but I am free this weekend. It's worth a quick email to your other friends rather than just assuming nobody's available so you can wallow in your annoyance.

Specky4eyes · 13/05/2016 06:56

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's about the effort people make and how much they value the friendship.

I have had similar issues with friends always expecting me to go to their area of the country for a visit but as soon as I arrange for a once a year meet up at mine, they are all "busy".

Your friend should not be out of pocket and they should be paying for their places. I actually think both excuses are rubbish - unless it is her child or DH that she is collecting from hospitial and having to stay with afterwards. Can't the person who is going to stay with them for the next 24hrs post op collect them?

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/05/2016 06:58

The friendship group doesn't sound that close to me. Yes it's shit, but maybe you chose the wrong activity. And maybe the fact you don't drive could have a bearing on it?

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 13/05/2016 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilaclily · 13/05/2016 07:03

They might be like me, I hate activities but love meals out

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 13/05/2016 07:06

It sounds like you're more concerned about your birthday treat than how your friends are.

rollonthesummer · 13/05/2016 07:13

Paint balling, tennis, badminton, cycling, running-all my idea of hell for a birthday treat, but then I probably wouldn't agree to go. If I had a bad leg, I definitely wouldn't want to go. Can't you and A go anyway and you get a cab or get dropped there?

Presumably the one with the hurt leg knows that the other friend (sorry--lost track of a b c) has told you about the leg. Is she now wondering why you haven't rung to see how she is?

sofato5miles · 13/05/2016 07:14

I feel for you OP. There seems to no quid pro quo and that's hurtful.

Forthe joysuckers : In RL my social group celebrate birthdays etc. 40s were a big deal. We also play sport and do activities.

Life can be as fun as you want it to be.

Original poster

brushyourtongue · 13/05/2016 07:17

One friend chose to do something I don't like at all. But I went because it was her choice.

My choice involves about the same level of activity as Segway. If you can stand/ walk, which B can, you can do it.

B doesn't drive an auto. If she had torn a cartilage, or pulled a tendon, I'm sure she would have said as much. As it was, some weeks ago when everything was already booked she told A she had a bad leg. A expressed concern and asked what was wrong etc and received no reply.

She's now said she can't go because her leg's still 'bad'.i find it hard to express sympathy when I don't know what the issue is, if indeed there is one.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 13/05/2016 07:18

We are a group of friends who celebrate birthdays for far longer than ye but the friends get to decide and treat not the birthday person. You sound demanding and l bet they hate activities and never wanted to go. Friends pick you gratefully go and appreciate all efforts that's how our plan works and we are nearly 20 years further on. I fund your attitude a bit ungrateful.

Original poster

brushyourtongue · 13/05/2016 07:20

I don't have as much issue with C as these things happen, someone else possibly could have done the collect from hospital but whatever. A is annoyed though because she's not been contacted by C herself and there's been no discussion about paying for the tickets.

OP posts:

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 13/05/2016 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

brushyourtongue · 13/05/2016 07:26

But then you'd say I've got sciatica' surely?

Just saying it's a bad leg implies it's either not genuine, or if it is, it's something non specific and not bad enough for her to have seen a Dr about.

OP posts:

Makesomethingupyouprick · 13/05/2016 07:28

I'm almost 40 and at this age I don't do things that I don't want to do just because someone else wants me to do it with them. Your friends might just not be interested in what you wanted to do (or might even hate it) but are making excuses instead of telling you the truth.

I spent too much time in the past sitting through films I had no interest in, going go-karting or paint-balling for birthdays , playing silly games at baby showers or engaging in 'activities' for hen weekends. None of which I enjoyed, all of which cost me time and money (often a lot of money!) so I stopped.

Now, I just attend what I want to attend and my friends understand that. The flip side is that I never ask anyone to do anything with me that is more out of the ordinary than a meal, drinks out or cinema or theatre if other people genuinely want to see the same thing.

Tanaqui · 13/05/2016 07:29

I think you are getting a hard time op- yes, they may have genuine reasons, but you went to their things, and now yours isn't going to be the same. Do they know that both of them have cancelled? Could you do a group email and ask if you should rearrange/ try and get replacements/ gently remind them A has paid? I think thise posters dissing thr idea of an activity are being unfair- the idea was to pick something fun, and it sounds like you have done a range of things, if they really hated the idea they should have said before it was booked and paid for!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 13/05/2016 07:31

It doesn't matter whether the bad leg is real or not, she doesn't want to / can't go. You fixating on it won't change it.

LobsterQuadrille · 13/05/2016 07:39

It doesn't matter whether the bad leg is real or not, she doesn't want to / can't go. You fixating on it won't change it.

Couldn't agree with this more. I appreciate your disappointment but if I were you I would be moving on (by page 3) and figuring out how to salvage your birthday weekend - either postpone entirely or go for a meal (OK, not Zizzi if you don't like it - somewhere else). Then B would come too and possibly C if you make it late enough that the relative will be home and can be left. The money issue is for B and C to sort out with A. I think you'll have to swallow your resentment about "they all made an effort for the other birthdays" if you want to maintain your friendships. It's possible that B and C agreed to this "activity" because they felt obliged to out of loyalty and that as the time has drawn closer, they have regretted it. If they are real friends whom you value - it's easy to sort it out.

And happy birthday!

diddl · 13/05/2016 07:50

I don't see why more info has to be given on the leg for you to have sympathy!

I'd probably be more annoyed with the friend who was picking someone up if they really don't have to. But then presumably they want to.

It is surely worth asking other friends if they would go before writing it off?

Surely if you were meeting in March for Jan bday, that shows that no one was very interested in meeting up?

ThatIsNachoCheese · 13/05/2016 07:53

I think you're showing a real lack of care for your friends.

I was shocked by your comment that her family member was only have something routine done, someone else could pick them up. Maybe, just maybe, she wants to collect them? Maybe that, however small to you, is more important?
Sorry op, I can see why you're upset that it won't be going ahead, but life happens and feeling like they've let you down, when they have things going on in their life, isn't going to help you.
Contact them, have a chat and make sure they're ok.

SouthWestmom · 13/05/2016 08:00

Blimey op can't believe the responses. If that's what your group agreed, that's what they agreed.

Sounds like B just doesn't fancy it and neither does C. Is B maybe testing the water with A though - sounds like she is up for going out, just not the activity.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/05/2016 08:08

Surely the 3 birthdays you have got to celebrate were nice in themselves. Hopefully between you you can do something for yours too.
It seems slightly immature to fixate on how you did stuff for theirs but now they're not doing something for yours. Surely it's much of a muchness at 40 isn't it?

ShootingStar75 · 13/05/2016 08:47

I don't think you're unreasonable to be dosappointed, I've friends who let me down on a regular basis so I know how that feels but I do think you're being a little unreasonable to be as put out as you are. They both have reasons that are plausible, it's not really fair in regards to B to assume she's lying unless she has form for it.

**then you'd say I've got sciatica' surely?

Just saying it's a bad leg implies it's either not genuine, or if it is, it's something non specific and not bad enough for her to have seen a Dr about.**

I just had to point out how silly this bit is, I've spent 6 years being unable to do things including walking short distances & standing & I definitely wouldn't be able to join in things that are even remotely physical because of 'bad hips' which lead me to have 'bad legs' (and I've termed it as such to friends and family) although catch me on a good day and I can join in moderately with these things (I pay severely afterwards for it like but i can pick and choose to join in things as long as I leave myself adequate resting time after and don't have to do anything outside the house for several days after too).
I can drive, although it is painful if I keep my foot on the clutch for too long or even sitting too long and whilst I could manage to drive to some place and back I would need to rest afterwards (which your friend could well be doing on her evenings after work). I'm also 6 years younger than your friend (so in theory should be well and able) and didn't go to doctors for a long while as they were dismissive at first and told me they couldnt see anything so it should heal itself. It's only within the last 6 months that I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, finally confirming it is real and not in my head as many have made me feel at times. It impacts on my life greatly but I still describe it as 'bad hips' and 'bad legs' because that's what it is to me.

I was also able to tell which friends/family disbelieved me/thought I was exaggerating when I initially got ill as well so just a word of warning there that if you're friend is genuine she will always know if she feels at this time you don't believe her too.

Try some of your other friends, there are plenty of us with children who are still free or can rearrange plans come near weekend, and 12 miles isn't too far I know you said there isn't public transport in the specific area but may be worth looking if there is transport that gets you closer and then walk the rest of the way. Regaedless though I hope you have a lovely birthday (it's my birthday weekend this week too-all the best birthdays are this weekend ) and try not to let this impinge on your enjoyment too much

SandyMcSandface · 13/05/2016 08:51

Bad leg may be cover for something embarrassing - piles or something .

Legendofthephoenix · 13/05/2016 10:50

She could have been bitten by a spider Seriously if you are that bovvered catch her out, face her. Don't let her get away with it.

BerylStreep · 13/05/2016 12:41

OP, you really are coming across as quite self-centred and uncaring towards your friends.

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