to think this is a bit shit of my friends?

[brushyourtongue]

I've got a small group of friends I've known for many years.

We've always met up during the year, and additionally on each of our birthdays (which are spread out through the year).

Anyway, over the last couple of years we've got worse at organising meetups, meaning that we'd end up meeting in say March for friend's birthday which had been in January. So one friend (A) said last year let's make more effort and do 'something' for each birthday (previously we'd just meet for drinks, or at one of our homes). So, we started this last year, and it's gone ok. We've been for tea, theatre etc - plan was that the rest of us would split birthday persons 'day' between us and that would be their present. Sounds good, right?

Until now when it's my birthday.

When asked back in Feb, I'd said I wanted to do an activity. Nothing really 'active' (not GoApe or anything!) but something fun. Would involve some time on your feet, but far from strenuous. At the time everyone said ok. We'd agreed a date this coming weekend when we were all free - 3 months in advance. I'd left it to them to book etc.

A few weeks ago A (who is organising) said that B was 'doubtful' as she had a 'bad leg' . Not quite sure what's wrong with her, A didn't know, but apparently as of today it's still a problem. Although she's not been to her GP and drives 30 mins to work every day so I'm not sure how bad it actually is. She's said she definitely can't do the activity, but why didn't we all go to Zizzis instead? I hate Zizzis

Now other friend C has also bailed as she has to pick a family member up from hospital, she did at least apologise and say let's do something else another time.

B hasn't contacted me directly.

A is pissed off with B and C, as the activity was booked/paid for and isn't refundable - and she's paid for B & C herself (they were going to pay her back on the day).

I'm just fed up that everyone else has had a 'nice' birthday and I haven't. 3 months notice and it's not happened, and now it looks like no-one is going to rearrange anything either!

You're beginning to sound quite hard work, OP. And you don't sound like you're truly a friend to B or C.

Sometimes people grow apart as they grow up.

If B was a friend to me, wouldn't you expect her to tell me she couldn't do the activity herself?

I have attended and paid my share of 3 other birthdays. None were things I'd necessarily have chosen to do but I went because it was their choice.

Could you bike it? 12 miles isn't that far on a bike, perhaps an hour if you don't bike much?

Maybe if she only sees you four times a year B doesn't feel like divulging her medical information to you?

OP, you're coming across as quite petulant. Look at your choice of birthday 'treat' and compare it to the choices the others have made. Are they similar? Or is your choice completely out of sync with the others? Could it be that you're growing apart?

Yabu and being far too precious about birthdays.

YANBU for being very disappointed and, privately, a little peeved.
YANBU for having a good vent on here.
YABU for being more than a little peeved and obsessing about your spoiled birthday and the costs, and for not ringing your friend B to express sympathy about her leg, and for not ringing C to express sympathy about her family member who is in hospital - these people are supposed to be your friends - get in touch, when you hear their side of the story you may feel more empathy for them and less sorry for yourself. Surely it would be a shame to jettison a longstanding friendship over one disappointing birthday (not a wedding, not a big birthday party which you are paying for, not your 21st). Keep your disappointment private, don't be a drama llama in front of your friends, they won't be impressed.

Keep out of the payment arrangements between BC and A..

C's family member is having a routine procedure, as a day case. I have responded to her email in appropriate terms.

I've not said anything to B because she hasn't contacted me at all. She's not told me about the leg because it's BS.

My activity was shorter and cheaper than what the others selected. It involves some mild physical activity, but we are 40, it is not beyond any of us, nor people much older and less healthy than we are.

I'd have to borrow a bike and the roads are quite busy with no cycle lane, so I can't really see myself cycling there. I will see if I can find anyone else to go, but I'm aware it's very short notice.

I may seem petulant, but I have paid my share of 3 birthdays, done their choice of treat. Now no-one is prepared to do mine, and I miss out. Which frankly isn't fair. I have put myself out on 3 occasions, and now I've been let down, and B hasn't even had the courtesy to tell me herself.

If I was you I would go and visit B with a bouquet of flowers. You never know she may have a bad leg.

I think your annoyance at B is making you unreasonably annoyed at A. She is collecting a family member from hospital! Even a non-emergency day op is still surgery and the person will still need to recover. It's unfortunate it has fallen on your birthday weekend but I guess A had no control over the date and of course an unwell family member comes before a friend's birthday. That really sucks and it's your right to feel upset at the situation but don't be upset at A who probqvly hasn't much choice in the matter. It is just bad luck she can't come to your birthday and could have happened on any one of the other birthdays arranged - I doubt it has any reflection on how she feels about you, your birthday or your activity.

I can understand more why you are upset at B, especially if she hadn't even bothered to contact you. Does she know C has had to pay anyway? If I was C I would be fuming at B for pulling out and leaving her to foot the bill. It is hard to say how unreasonable she is being without knowing what kind of activity it is or what the structure of it will be. If it is something which would be very hard to participate in without a reasonable level of fitness I do feel for her if she has developed leg pain that would make it unworkable. Would it be possible to participate in the activity in a non-strenuous/ energetic way or to have periods of seated rest during the activity? If so she may be being unreasonable in just dismissing it.

That said, it could be she genuinely does have leg pain and that the activity genuinely wouldn't be possible for her to participate in. You seem very quick to judge her condition and assume she is lying or exaggerating. Some people do get aches and pains when they are more active than usual and, rightly or wrongly, don't always see it as bad enough to take to the doctor if they can avoid the pain by avoiding certain activities. Your friend may be this sort of person.

Maybe the next step is to actually talk to B and try and get her side? Maybe express how you feel, how much you'd enjoy her presence and see if together you can work out a way of her being able to participate in the activity without being in pain.

If you're not able to raise that discussion with her or don't feel you want her there maybe you need to reconsider whether you are as good friends as you previously thought.

I can understand you feeling upset about this, because it seems you aren't as important, or worth the same amount of effort that you have invested in your friends.

It could be that you are more invested in the friendship than they are - tbh it sounds a bit like that, and it can be really hurtful when that realisation kicks in.

But B could have a bad leg, and it would be gracious of you to make the first move and genuinely ask her if she is ok. I don't know what the activity you have planned is, but perhaps she can still drive to work, not go to the GP, but still have a bad leg that stops her from doing the activity.

Similarly, C's relative maybe needs her to collect her. I know that I am going for a routine day procedure in the next month or two, and because I will be sedated I will need someone to bring me and collect me, which will involve DH having to take a day's annual leave.

I have to say, much as I can understand your disappointment, you don't actually sound like you like B & C much.

I would suggest speaking with the venue and seeing if you can rearrange for another date. It's sad if this is your 40th, and you are feeling so let down. Why don't you arrange to meet for a bite to eat / drink, and do the activity another time?

I know how you feel OP. DP and I are part of a group of mostly couples (about a dozen of us all together) pretty much all of whom have got engaged/married/had babies/turned 30 in the last few years, and I have not missed one single celebration. When it came to my 30th, how many of them turned up? 2. I was gutted.

(Sorry, realise I got A & C mixed up in my post! Hope it still makes sense who I'm talking about!)

I'm curious about what the activity is, do tell

I find it hard to be sympathetic when you've shown so little concern over your friend being injured. If she's damaged a tendon or something no way will she be off parachuting or whatever. You behave like these are just excuses

OP, give it a rest. They can't come. It's a shame but it happens. Also, B has a lame excuse. It's something else (is she pregnant?) be a good friend and find out what.

I can't be arsed with all the a b c or whatever but it is perfectly feasible for your friend to have a bad leg.
I have a patch of cartilage missing on my knee (due to damage from old injury and wear and tear). I go to work, I do the shopping, I go walking with friends but I can tell you it hurts every single bloody time I walk upstairs. If someone suggested an activity which was going to involve walking up steep hills I could do it but A) it would hurt like fuck unless I took a load of pain killers beforehand and B) I would be at home that evening in pain with a swollen knee and ankle.
Doesn't sound like a super fun activity for your friend I'd rather go to Zizzi's

You could phone B yourself to ask if she is still planning to come and discuss it. If not could she come along anyway and then you go out for something to eat nearby. By then maybe C could also join you, unless patient cannot be left alone. You seem very willing to moan but not be proactive. You can drive with a bad leg , it depends which leg is affected and how. Some injuries take time to heal. Or could you take a rain check on the activity and delay until another day. If A is out of pocket I wonder how assertive she was in confirming the booking with them in the first place.

Oh and I'm a similar age to your friend.

I think it was a bit silly to book something that one of them physically can't do due to an ongoing injury.

Re picking relative up from the hospital, maybe there is no-one else available that day

Is it possible to sell the tickets for the 'activity' so that your friend can recoup her money?

I would be messaging them all asking when you can rearrange

Says a lot that you didn't know that B had a bad leg, or thst now you do you haven't done anything to show you care. Also your activity really does sound out of sync with the others, maybe not in cost but in areas of interest.

Sounds actually like the group friendship had slipped long ago and you friend A was like king canute trying to hold back the tide.

I think the OP is getting a hard time. She turned up for the others birthday. The least they could do is call her and explain their reasons for not coming honestly, then OP may not feel so bad about it. B and C sound quite flakey.

is the activity on a Segway?