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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... To think there are too many cries of LTB on MN?!

84 replies

MummyBex1985 · 12/05/2016 21:29

Seriously. Day in, day out.

It worries me that so many MNers see marriage as being so disposable.

Cheaters, chronic liars, DV, fair enough. But at least half of the threads I see on here certainly don't warrant a LTB Hmm

Is this genuinely representative of the population which might explain divorce rates in this country or is it confined to MN?

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 13/05/2016 08:02

...but, some of the cries of LTB are actually pathetic.

Likewise, the 'stand by your man' mentality that these threads always reek of, could equally be described as 'pathetic'.

All of society tells women they should stick at relationships and make them work, come hell or high water.

Mumsnet is about the ONLY place where women are told, 'actually, you know you can leave the bastard, right?'

Why are some people so threatened by that? Confused No-one's telling you to leave the bastard - and if they are, and you don't want to - you don't have to!

So what's the issue?

DoreenLethal · 13/05/2016 08:02

But at least half of the threads I see on here certainly don't warrant a LTB

At least half? Really?

If you have issue with posts on a thread, then post your opinion on the thread. If you want to support people in bad relationships, then go ahead. On most threads, the person doesn't post at the first instance of any issues - but at the end of their tether. Which is why they get told that they can leave if they want and that people will help them if they can.

HapShawl · 13/05/2016 08:06

I'm not surprised that male posters feel threatened by women being told that leaving is always an option

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/05/2016 08:07

Every time one of these threads appears - and it's pretty regularly - they always conjure up images of zombie-likes hordes of mindless, brainless women, just upping and leaving their bastards, with nary a thought or opinion of their own on the matter.

Incredible that people think this is what Mumsnet is capable of, really.

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/05/2016 08:09

I'm not surprised that male posters feel threatened by women being told that leaving is always an option

Neither, but it's almost always women who start these threads.

What are they so threatened by?

DoreenLethal · 13/05/2016 08:15

I'm not surprised that male posters feel threatened by women being told that leaving is always an option

What? Read back what you have written. Are you seriously saying the poor men need protecting against women who suggest that other women are allowed to end a bad relationship? If more women left when the Red Flags start waving then perhaps they would not end up having to leave marriages with kids and men might just up their game and start treating women like equal partners in their relationships.

BlueFolly · 13/05/2016 08:22

Although a more serious response, I actually think women remaining in abusive relationships because of some kind of sense of societal duty to the institution of marriage is more of a problem than strangers on the Internet giving their opinion that they would not put up with various kinds of shit people post that their partners do to them

This

herecomethepotatoes · 13/05/2016 08:34

TheDowagerCuntess

I'm not surprised that male posters feel threatened by women being told that leaving is always an option

Where are the examples of that? I can't see any on this thread and don't remember any others either.

WannaBe · 13/05/2016 08:35

Tbh I think that everyone should be entitled to leave a relationship. I do think that there is often a very aggressive tone on the relationships board in terms of women who fail to recognise something as abuse when often it may just be a one off and they are just venting, in fact I've seen posts from posters say things like "well, until the OP recognises she's being abused there's no point posting here,". And if someone does actually opt to try and work on things rather than just leave this is not greeted well.

However I also think that sometimes people end up in situations where realistically things are unlikely to improve. I actually think that an affair gives more grounds to want to stay than emotional/physical abuse, because some marriages can and do come back from infidelity, and every situation is unique.

But all that being said, as much as a woman should be entitled to leave a relationship, so should a man. Women leave relationships and are applauded for doing so, for whatever reason, even if she's just fallen out of love and is unhappy. But if a woman posts here that a man has left he is branded all kinds of bastard, when actually, his reasons for wanting to leave are surely no less valid than her's.

Marynary · 13/05/2016 08:47

I know what you mean. I think that there is a lot of projection and extrapolation and some posters are quick to say the OP is being abused and LTB over quite trivial matters. It is unfortunate as those who clearly are being abused and should LTB make take "LTB" advice less seriously if they see it on every thread.

AuntieKippers · 13/05/2016 08:48

Of course everyone is entitled to end a relationship if they are very unhappy. Its the aggressive tone on some relationship threads that's the problem. Occasionally posters set themselves up as someone who should be answered to.

"Unless you leave there is no point posting"

"Why are you still talking to this person".

Do what I say now!

What happened to taking time to help someone reach their own decisions.

I wonder sometimes who some people think they are to tell other people what to do in such strong terms.

Its okay to say no-one makes decisions based on the opinions of strangers on the internet but if someone posts in a vulnerable and distressed state they are likely to be heavily influenced.

The most helpful thing on relationships is when posters with knowledge outline options.

Original poster
MummyBex1985 · 13/05/2016 08:48

I agree that everyone is entitled to leave a relationship. But I also think that LTB because he doesn't pick up his socks isn't really the answer either Grin

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 13/05/2016 09:03

Except that that never actually happens, does it?

You have a pretty low opinion of women, Bex

PurpleDaisies · 13/05/2016 09:13

But I also think that LTB because he doesn't pick up his socks isn't really the answer either

Link to ANY thread where this has happened (in a serious not jokey way) please.

Malina22 · 13/05/2016 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Arfarfanarf · 13/05/2016 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

acasualobserver · 13/05/2016 09:27

Malina, that would be a useful service for someone who had followed MN advice to LTB and then regretted it.

MorrisZapp · 13/05/2016 09:28

House prices. People don't LTB because of house prices.

I don't want to live in a shit hole in an unsafe area.

Marynary · 13/05/2016 09:42

I don't want to live in a shit hole in an unsafe area.

I agree that is one of the reasons people might stay in a less than perfect relationship especially for those that have children. Whilst leaving is "always an option" if it means that the children don't have the same quality of life, less good schools etc it may not seem a good option.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/05/2016 09:51

But I also think that LTB because he doesn't pick up his socks isn't really the answer either Grin

Honestly? You realise that would be meant as a joke, I hope.

Are you worried that people might take Hullygully's exhortation to 'KILL HIM' seriously too?

DoreenLethal · 13/05/2016 09:59

But I also think that LTB because he doesn't pick up his socks isn't really the answer either

I don't think anyone has. Would you care to show us where this has actually happened. ta.

CalleighDoodle · 13/05/2016 11:49

I imagine the husband who that morning didnt pick up his socks actually never picks up his socks and probably doesnt even occur to him to do a load of washing or ironing. I would assume coming on mumsnet to start a thread where theres clarly so much anger about the socks is actually anger the partner feels about begin expected to do all the housework. Because if it was just the socks that one time that one morning, surely a rational person would just ignore them and carry on with her day.

corythatwas · 13/05/2016 11:59

AIBU to think there are too many shitty relationships on MN?

And why is it any more pathetic to advise someone to leave a partner who controls her every movement and won't let her out of the house, or penetrates her without a condom when she has specifically told him she cannot cope with another baby, then a partner who cheats on her? I would have thought those behaviours were at least as damaging.

The other thing that strikes me is the posters popping up to advocate "stand by your man" when the OP has made it quite clear that this is a new relationship, someone she has just met, not a long-lasting relationship to which she might owe some loyalty. This also seems bizarre. What do I owe to a guy I've only just met, or who has only just stayed at my house for the first time, and turned out to be different from how he presented? Do we owe loyalty and gratitude towards any man who shows an interest in us? Is it rude not to want to spend your life with the first man who asks you?

I feel enormously bound to dh after 20 years of marriage and 30 years+ of relationship. But that is a) because our relationship has grown with time b) because he has always behaved in such a way as to allow a healthy relationship to grow.

corythatwas · 13/05/2016 12:00

I do agree with the tone of instant command on the relationships board though: that is very unfortunate and probably puts some women off.

ouryve · 13/05/2016 12:02

YABVU.

There are too many people telling people to stay in bad and even abusive relationships on mumsnet.

My ex used to go on about marriage being forever. Fuck that.