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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you have a car, should you always be the one to make the effort?

11 replies

CodswallopPie · 12/05/2016 10:33

My brother moved house to be closer to his inlaws. I've seen him a few times since but its always me that goes to him. Granted he doesn't drive but there's a metro stop a few minutes walk from him which stops not far from here (its about 40 mins on metro-15 mins in car) Its just he's moaning that he's not seen us, but why should it always be us going to him?
AIBU and I should suck it up?
(I'm going out so will reply a bit later - if I get any replies that is!)

OP posts:

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat · 12/05/2016 11:49

You should suck it up only if you want to see him badly enough to overlook his brattish behaviour! Have you asked him why he is unable to use public transport to get to you?

museumum · 12/05/2016 11:51

Doesn't matter who has a car. The one who is MOANING should make the effort unless they're already making more than half.

MagratsFlyawayHair · 12/05/2016 11:52

No way should you suck it up. Are you in the NE if you are referring to the metro. It's easy enough to use. As long as he's not miles from a station then it shouldn't really be an issue.

ThinkPinkStink · 12/05/2016 11:57

There are several factors to take into consideration:

Whose house is more suited to hosting
Whether either party is unwell, pained, pregnant, has young children etc.

He is being a bit of a brat, we don't drive and often visit friends/family by public transport, it's no biggie.

But, a 40 minute commute on public transport is far less convenient than a 15 minute drive.

Could you offer to pick him up and bring him to yours, or meet him somewhere that it's equally convenient to get to?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 12/05/2016 12:02

Depends entirely on the situation.

In this situation, no, he/they can stop moaning & use the metro.

BarbaraofSeville · 12/05/2016 12:13

Unless there are mitigating factors like disability or extreme poverty that the OP hasn't mentioned the brother should use the Metro for at least 1 visit in 3.

A short walk or two and a 40 minute Metro ride when that person has moved away is hardly arduous for an able bodied adult.

harshbuttrue1980 · 12/05/2016 12:50

I don't actually agree with the poster who said you should consider whose house is most suitable - as someone with a flat, I'd constantly have to make the effort to see my richer friends! If any sort of bond is to survive, both people need to make an equal effort. Someone who has made the choice not to drive has, I assume (medical conditions excepted) decided that they are able to get themselves around on public transport

shiveringhiccup · 12/05/2016 13:11

Next time he moans why don't you invite him over for dinner or something? That answers his moan of not seeing you but puts the ball in his court.

ThinkPinkStink · 12/05/2016 13:53

Harshburtrue you may be right, I was picturing a family get together at a house with only enough crockery/cutlery/seats for a couple or similar.

TeamSteady · 12/05/2016 15:00

YANBU- in fact are you me OP???

My brother lives a 30 min drive away. He can get to ours in 45 min on the train (well tot he local station which is 5 min drive away, but a looong walk and i would pick him up). Can he be arsed? No, particularly not since new GF came onto the scene.

I used to make ALL the effort and go and see him at least twice a month with the kids. He has never made the effort to come here despite numerous invitations.

I have now given up. I am really quite peeved to say the least (can you tell?!) He is the youngest in the family, was far too babied and still behaves like an overgrown teenager who thinks the world should revolve around him, despite being 26 and in a professional job.

I am heavily pregnant (and so entitled to be unreasonable and ranty!) and he has made no effort at all during the pregnancy to see how I am despite hearing from our parents that we've had a really rough time (they live abroad, so can't help out practically and we have no other family within 3 hours drive), not even the occasional text to check how i/ the kids are. The only time I have heard from him is 1) When he wanted my advice on house buying 2) when he wanted me to give an opinion on a house 3) When he wanted my DH to give him legal advice.

I KNOW when he comes to move he will ask for help as we have a 7 seater car and it's their first house so no furniture etc, just boxes of stuff. I think my sentence will start with fuck, and end with off...

I apologise for my rant! But no i don't think you are unreasonable and tbh i think you should say something now before it festers and you become a rant old bag like me

2rebecca · 12/05/2016 15:07

If you don't want to visit him don't go. You can't force him to visit you if he can't be bothered but you don't have to visit him just because he can't be bothered with public transport. My sister recently chose not to get another car as in London and rarely needs one. I won't be making extra trips down from Scotland because of her choice.
Tell him if he wants to see you he knows where you are.

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