if I return this gift?

[MrsDeathOfRats]

Was H's birthday on Monday.
Dd (4) got him a cup as a gift as she knows he loves his coffee in the morning and he complains about the lack of cups in the cupboard (there are 6 cups - 4 of which are 'mine' in that they were gifted to me. We did have a set of plain mugs but hey have all but 2 been broken and he doesn't want to use my flowery/butterfly/personal mugs)

Now it's Thursday and each day he has either reached past the cup he was gifted to get one of the 2 others left or -like today - actually washed up one of the 2 others instead of use the one he was gifted.
He has form for this. I have bought him jumpers in the past and he will wait months before wearing them.
Bought him an electric toothbrush once - sat in the box in the cupboard for 5 months before he used it.

WIBU to send it back to Amazon? It hasn't been used. Is in the same condition it was when it arrived.

So as not to drip feed: things have deteriorated between myself and h this week to the point where I have instructed solicitors to divorce so I may be feeling extra emotions about this admittedly stupid situation

I think it WIBU but it is pissing me off

If you're being this much of an arse about a damn mug then the rest of the proceedings should be an absolute delight......

Is the use of 'gifted' replacing 'given' or 'given as a gift'?

How am I being an arse?

I haven't said anything to anyone but instead posted my frustration here on mumsnet.
Isn't that what this forum is for?

Thanks to all who have understood my frustration.
This is one example of a great fear I have that my Dd will spend her life seeking his approval. Cos it is so hurtful when you choose something for someone and then, it seems as if, they actively avoid using it or barely even acknowledge it. He is a very detached and emotionless person. His only real emotion he can access is anger or opposition.

He is a very detached and emotionless person. His only real emotion he can access is anger or opposition.

If only you had said that in your OP!

If he can't access empathy and real emotion then you are banging your head against a brick wall.

If marriage and the birth of his DD hasn't changed him, then nothing will. Returning the mug will hurt your DD more than your H (although I realise you are just ranting).

If your DD asks about the mug, just say that Daddy is too scared to use in case it breaks it, as it is so special.

It sounds like a soul-destroying marriage and you are doing the right thing for you and your DD.

Don't worry about your dd, my father was like this and I haven't spent my life seeking his approval. I mainly just ignore him.

Don't give a passing thought to the nasty comments, some people really have no ability to read a situation, but still feel the need to put the boot in via a keyboard.

How do you think he will react when he gets served the papers?

I think all you can do with your DD is find ways to show her that she needs to live her own life, not seek anyone else's approval. It's not easy to do and you have to work at it, as it's not how most of us were brought up, it's not instinctive, quite the opposite. When she's telling you about things, try to turn it back on her 'Were you pleased with that result?' 'How do you feel about coming third?' 'That's nice that friend liked your dress, do you like it?' Try not to do what we all do and just say 'Wow, well done sweetheart, you did so well gettng 8/10'. 'You came third well done/never mind' etc. It's so easy to just compliment or commiserate, which leads to them seeking our approval - but what she really needs is to learn to be proud, disappointed, pleased etc with her own effort & results. If she's happy within herself, it will help her not to strive for his approval. That's not to say you can't tell her she's amazing of course! Just give her the space and encouragement to to assess & value her own achievements.

it is so hurtful when you choose something for someone and then, it seems as if, they actively avoid using it or barely even acknowledge it or indeed, send it back to Amazon as you appear to want to do.

For someone with the username optimist your a very negative sounding poster

You cannot predict how his relationship wll turn out with your dd on the basis of how you have experienced him, though.

He genuinely may not want to use the mug as it is so special. You don't know?

Not negative, OP - I just think you seem to be losing sight of what's important here, but then if I was in your shoes I might do the same. Didn't mean to cause offence.

Don't let this hold any power over you.

Your DD gave him a mug (facilitated by you, but that's fine). He hasn't used it yet. It could be that he's being a dick, or he doesn't like change, or he's saving it for a special occasion, or just that he knows this will wind you up. It doesn't matter. Leave him to his unused mug.

If he can't access more emotions for his daughter, she'll learn that quickly and largely ignore him. She has you, so she'll be fine.

Good luck with the divorce. Try to take it easy. It's likely to be enough of an emotional rollercoaster anyway, so anything you can do to stop him pushing your buttons is saving yourself grief.

Extrahotlatte that is a very useful post, (for me!) thank you.

Thank you.

That's why I posted here.

I'm exuding a fabulous cool calm exterior that yells 'I'm so together right now' but inwardly I'm like a crazy over analysing over reacting over thinking whirl wind mad woman.

I am a bit concerned for when he is served with Divorce papers as he doesn't believe it is happening. He thinks everything will blow over again - nothing to do with the cup btw!

Have asked my solicitor to give me warning of the day they will be served so I can arrange for me and the kids to not be at home.

Extrahotlatte very insightful.

I must write this stuff down and stick it up places so I canes ins myself of these little gems of advice and actually do them I real life! Thank you

Throw it at him!

The type of behaviour not the mug itself. Just the Mug has been the last straw

If it helps we only have 8 mugs and DH uses them to drink water and ribena. A fresh mug each time, even when the previous mug is still on the side beside the squash bottle. We have plenty of glasses but no it has to be a mug. I use the same mug for tea all day, rinsing between each use. Ditto glasses.

I wouldn't mind but he doesnt drink hot drinks so the mugs are technically all mine and guests.

I can't believe the bashing you're getting here, OP!

My DS bought me a mug at Christmas and I went out of my way to use it, specially when he was around. And he's 12! It's just what you do, isn't it?? As a way of showing that you like / appreciate the gift?

Or maybe I'm just weird. You and me can be weird together OP

I wish posters would stop using AIBU to act like a monumental bellend. You know you wouldn't say it in RL so fuck off with saying it on here! I wish MN would rename or do away with AIBU sometimes.

OP, YANBU. I think he is being petty and doing it on purpose. It means a lot to children to get their parents something thoughtful. I know mine would be crushed if they thought I didn't appreciate a present from them. Your DD will notice that he isn't bothering to use it. He could consider her feelings. Sounds like he doesn't like to be dictated to in any way 'here is a mug you must use, nope I'll deliberately choose another'. Could be way off though.

It's quite obvious there is far more than a mug going on here, but people just like to kick people when they are down. Ignore them.

BeYourself nail on the head.

He is so so so determined to never be controlled or dictated to. It genuinely feels as if he does it all on purpose!!

'Oh you said we must be ready to leave at 8 as the show starts at 9... I'll sit here in my boxers til 7.55 and then I'll go off to spend 45 minutes in the bathroom while you try to entertain 2 children who are ready to go out and crying cos they don't understand why we aren't leaving when we said we would be'

'Oh... You have asked me to do some DIY in the form of tethering a large heavy piece of furniture so it won't fall and crush our children. Oh.. You were hoping I would do it this weekend. Oh.. You would like it done early in the day so we can go out and enjoy the weather...
I'll say all day that I'm going to do it and then I'll start it 5 minutes before bedtime. Even though it's in Dd's bedroom'

'Oh... You bought that toothbrush I have been going on about for weeks. The one I so desperately wanted but was too expensive.
I'll leave it in the cupboard for 5 months then'

'Oh... You have asked me a question that requires a simple yes or no answer.
Let me ignore you for a while and then reply with a question of my own that is stupid and antagonises the situation by being irrelevant and sarcastic'

OP - my X used to do the exact same thing- totally ignored presents from the children stuffed them unopened in a drawer - things they'd chosen and spent their own money on - sometimes even stuff he'd specifically requested (because as they got older they obviously started questioning why he did this and blamed themselves for not choosing things he'd like)

It was one example of his totally self absorbed behaviour - completely oblivious to any one else's feelings and the emotional effects of his behaviour.

There were many reasons for our divorce (the fact that he slept with other women being the main one !) but the presents thing was indicative of his general attitude to others. I wish to God I'd got out earlier when my kids were little.

They we're grown up when we split up my DD has a more or less non-existant relationship with him and my DS tolerates him but there is no closeness. It's sad. But he is a controlling and selfish man.

It's interesting how the little things can be indicators of the wider picture - and I bet you will get loads of people who have been through the same shit saying 'oh God my X used to do that'

Ignore the idiots saying 'you're getting divorced over a mug' - they are presumably as emotionally unintelligent as your H.

Good plan to be out when the papers are served - and look after yourself - be prepared for nastiness from him, I tried very hard not to engage with mine and insisted all discussion was through the solicitors.

It will get rough for a while until it is all sorted, but it will be worth it in the end for you and your DD. It's a brave step - love and good luck to you - this is the beginning of a new and better life for you and your little girl. x

MrsDeath, knew it. Why else would he just not use it when it's something he actually wanted. I know men like this. Always seems to be about not wanting to be told what to do by a woman. I'm not surprised you are divorcing him. He sounds like an utter arse. Plus I've seen your other thread as well now. You will be far better off with out him.

Ain't that the sad sad truth BeYourself

And it is sad, cos we have 2 kids together and I was looking forward to family life etc. Don't want to drag my kids through a divorce and then the back n forth afterwards... Etc etc.

But! I do wonder if I can pay for it using my club card credit card and get some points... Silver lining anyone?

Op I thought I got you but on reading your last post I live with the same type and we have almost split up this year.

Your examples, are all literally things that have happened here.

Also

It's got worse as I've turned into someone I don't like.

I've cried in angry tears due to similar scenario's you have mentioned.

for you Only1scoop

I'm sad to say... I've stopped crying.
In the beginning I would cry be upset by it. I thought it was his inability to be vulnerable and that he didn't trust me to not hurt him in a vulnerable moment.

Then it moved to angry tears and being hurt that he wasn't prepared to try. The arguments were bitter because I was trying. Trying to expect less of him, trying everything he said I should. Accept him as he is, stop expecting emotion from him etc.

Then it progress again as it turns to resentment. Why am I trying to change myself to accommodate you and your doing nothing to accommodate me? Why do I just have to expect less of you and never have my needs met?

And then I realised I don't cry anymore. Not about this sort of stuff. I get annoyed. A bit sarcastic, a little passive aggressive maybe. I have shut down mostly and detached myself (from him). It's survival.

The final straw was on my other thread where he walked in earlier this week and 'announced' his already made plans to go to France, without me and DC AND take the family car. No discussion. Just informed me. I wasn't best pleased and it caused a row as apparently I am the selfish one!!

But in reality I think our relationship ended back in November.
He massively undermined me with Dd over a stupid toy. He then screamed at me, swearing and yelling infront of DC. Called me all sorts of names and was generally vile.
He used my Dd against me.
Pointed at her and spat at me that if she wasn't my child she wouldn't like me as that's how awful a person I am and that I should be grateful he is with me as no one else will ever want me cos I'm so awful and such a rubbish person.
So I've had time to really detach. He kept promising to get help but it never happened and I stupidly kept believing it would.

So yeah, here we are. And I do feel shit for having taken so long to actually do this. But I let hoping you know... That he would try for the sake of our kids. I was wrong. And stupid