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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

if I return this gift?

79 replies

MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 06:54

Was H's birthday on Monday.
Dd (4) got him a cup as a gift as she knows he loves his coffee in the morning and he complains about the lack of cups in the cupboard (there are 6 cups - 4 of which are 'mine' in that they were gifted to me. We did have a set of plain mugs but hey have all but 2 been broken and he doesn't want to use my flowery/butterfly/personal mugs)

Now it's Thursday and each day he has either reached past the cup he was gifted to get one of the 2 others left or -like today - actually washed up one of the 2 others instead of use the one he was gifted.
He has form for this. I have bought him jumpers in the past and he will wait months before wearing them.
Bought him an electric toothbrush once - sat in the box in the cupboard for 5 months before he used it.

WIBU to send it back to Amazon? It hasn't been used. Is in the same condition it was when it arrived.

So as not to drip feed: things have deteriorated between myself and h this week to the point where I have instructed solicitors to divorce so I may be feeling extra emotions about this admittedly stupid situation

I think it WIBU but it is pissing me off

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 07:36

Dd chose it.
We went to John Lewis to buy it but they didn't have the colour one in stock she wanted for him so I ordered it from Amazon.

OP posts:

musicposy · 12/05/2016 07:44

I never use presents straight away; I just can't bring myself to. I like to look at them for a week or so, then I will build myself up to sort of spoiling their newness and gradually using them. Luckily I have a family who have never minded this! My mum is the same so maybe it's a learnt thing.

OP, it's not really my business but I do hope you are divorcing because your DH is a nasty abusive twat and not because you get over-invested in 1000 petty reasons like this.

MsVestibule · 12/05/2016 07:50

this thread is making you look extremely petty I'm afraid.

She certainly doesn't look petty to me! I think anybody with a passing interest in psychology would realise that she is possibly focussing on this as it's the latest in a very long line of incidents - I'm guessing that most of them have been a bit more serious than this, rats?

peggyundercrackers · 12/05/2016 07:58

OP everything you have written sounds really petty. Keeping your own mugs? Why not just use whatever one comes to hand first? Worrying that someone hasn't worn a jumper? Really...

Maybe your DH will be better off if you divorce because he won't have someone getting wound up over completely non existent problems.

PalmerViolet · 12/05/2016 08:05

You know YABU, but realising that your marriage is dead in the water does funny things to people's normally sane and sensible heads.

I'm a bit sad for your DD, I'd have been slightly crushed if I'd got someone a present and they'd all but ignored it. Especially if he's a bit thoughtless anyway.

Hope things go as well as they can with the divorce.

PalmerViolet · 12/05/2016 08:07

And could people read the OP... she doesn't withhold the mugs from her H, he chooses not to use them because he doesn't want to use my flowery/butterfly/personal mugs (last line, first paragraph)

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 08:08

I never said I 'worried' over jumpers. I gave examples of how he gets given a gift and always puts it to one side and reuses to use it.

I also never said we keep different mugs. I clearly stated he won't use the ones that have been given to me.... That's his choice, why am I being held accountable that?

It is genuinely beyond me why people comment with made up passive aggressive shit on some threads. Why did you bother to come on and fabric details?

But thanks for coming on to kick me and point out how much better off my h will be with out me.... What a nasty post.

OP posts:

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 12/05/2016 08:10

It sounds like you are having a tough time OP. For what it's worth, if I ever murder Mr Zippy, it will be because he leaves he has left yet another sprinkling of coffee on my nice clean worktop, not because of the really good grounds for divorce he has given me . But sometimes focussing on something trivial means you can hold it together and get through the really awful stuff.

I think you know you can't send the mug back, but I think it would have been kind of him to at least show some appreciation for your Dd's gift by using it at least once and preferably soon after she had given it to him.

minatiae · 12/05/2016 08:15

I don't use a couple of mugs I've been given because I don't want to break them.

And I'll drink coffee in anything, but tea only tastes 'right' in particular mugs.

Beeziekn33ze · 12/05/2016 08:22

I find it hard to use some presents, sort of want to keep them perfect and in good condition.

Originalfoogirl · 12/05/2016 08:31

At 4, having it can be as important as using it. I've lost count of the number of gifts our girl has got and seemingly ignored, but any suggestion they go to charity is met with a definite no.

GinIsIn · 12/05/2016 08:32

For what it's worth, sometimes it's the tiny things that are the most upsetting because they are the things you feel they could change the easiest and don't.

When I eventually snap and axe murder divorce Mr Maxwell, it will be something just like that does it. Probably his ability to say he doesn't need anything from the supermarket when I'm in there, then as soon as I get home go 'did you get cereal?'

for you OP- it sounds like you are having a tough time but keep it for your DD - it was her gift!

monkeywithacowface · 12/05/2016 08:37

I have a couple of mugs bought as gifts but I never use them. One is very large and the other is dark on the inside and for some reason I hate the way it looks and feels. I don't know why but I really enjoy my coffee and I have to have it in a cup I like

Ilovewillow · 12/05/2016 08:37

Leave the cup! My children buy my husband mugs, he never uses them and they are special and he wouldn't want to break them. I think your situation is clouding things.

Tallulahoola · 12/05/2016 08:49

The fact he's not using a gift that his 4-year-old very thoughtfully got him for his birthday, while telling her it's the best mug he's ever seen in his life, illustrates the fact he's an arse.

RhodaBull · 12/05/2016 08:51

I'm another one who is at six mugs. SIX??? We have millions. Three tiers wobbling on top of each other in the cupboard. I swear they multiply overnight. I have favourite ones and best ones and ones I don't much care for at all but were bought on trip to, eg Tintern Abbey. I know some people are very tidy indeed though - my sil has a mug tree and that is it. I suppose some people live by the rule of get one chuck one.

Anyway, I'm sure this is just the last straw for the OP and indeed her dh. But for the sake of the dc I'd hide these emotions. You don't want the dd thinking that it's ok to get divorced over a mug .

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 08:57

We have 6 cos they kept getting broken (both of us not just him) and we have a tiny kitchen with tiny cupboards. So not much space and far too much unnessecary clutter

OP posts:

RhodaBull · 12/05/2016 09:00

Lack of space no barrier here - I have two cardboard boxes of mugs and crockery in the garage

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 12/05/2016 09:05

☕️🍰

It's ok & normal to focus on trivia when your life is crashing down around your ears. If it's not the mugs, it'll be something else. It's not quite so ok for others to be so invested in your mugs, but that's MN for ya! 😁

Does he know you've instructed the solicitors? If not, when do you think he'll get the papers?

ThoraGruntwhistle · 12/05/2016 09:13

This seems like a 'straw that broke the camels back' situation. You're focusing in on everything that you dislike about him, so things that would be just irritating are looming large in your mind. It is thoughtless of him to ignore a present carefully chosen for him by his child, the comment above about him being better off after divorcing is horrible.
for you OP.

Only1scoop · 12/05/2016 09:19

Op I get you.

You are at the end of your tether so you notice everything.

It isn't petty when you've had years of similar, and probably loads more to contend with.

Only1scoop · 12/05/2016 09:21

I know you won't return the gift but it makes you feel like it.

Your dd is 4 so he knows that you would have been involved with sourcing gift etc.

You do start to take these things personally....you can't help it.

Peanutbutterrules · 12/05/2016 09:23

Actually that would hurt your DD more than your STBXH.

Blossom591 · 12/05/2016 09:24

unreasonable behaviour alert
Only 4 reasons left to think up

DailyMailEthicalFail · 12/05/2016 09:31

You cant return a mug that your 4 year old daughter gave him!!!

Say to him: 'dd would like it if you used her special mug'. Or, if you cant bear to speak to him atm (I know that feeling!) just leave a post-it on the mug: 'please use me - I am special from your dd'.

When he leaves, he can show her he is taking her special mug with him.
It might be important for her.

Try not to sweat the small stuff.

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