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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People wanting to hold my baby

105 replies

Bubble00 · 10/05/2016 20:57

So last week we (OH me and bub) were on the train and my curious 8mo fixated on a lady - all smiles as they do- I smiled at the lady and she held her hands out to hold my baby.

I politely said no she is a real mummys girl and would cry, but this woman spoke to my baby saying ' I think its your mother that won't let anyone hold YOU' and kept encouraging my lo by holding her hands out.

I got a bit impatient and took baby for a walk up and down the train and the woman carried on talking with my OH. She's a carer looked after a baby for 3 yrs so on.
I returned and she still held her hand out - so I said- look I don't want my baby trusting people we don't know and still she carried on!!! It just Really got my heckles up.. WIBU?? We ended up spending an hour on the train and I just cannot believe the fucking nerve.

How do you say NO YOU ARE NOT HOLDING MY BABY.

OP posts:
AppleSetsSail · 11/05/2016 09:30

No Apple I don't realise that. I trust my close family not to drop a baby and I know whether they are ill or not

  1. Dropping is an accident and ergo unpredictable; 2. no you don't.
Nannawifeofbaldr · 11/05/2016 10:02

Some of the comments on this thread are a bit Confused

Of course it is up to Bubble to decide she is more comfortable handing her baby to a friend rather than a stranger. I find it amazing that anyone would think that unreasonable.

In actual fact it doesn't matter a jot whether Bubbles is being unreasonable she wasn't It's her baby, she is in charge, it's her decision. Some stranger on a train doesn't get to overrule her or make her feel uncomfortable about that.

Future no one teaches their children to be 'frightened of little old ladies'. You teach them to recognise inappropriate behaviour in any adult.
So 'secrets from Mummy' are not approriate (surprises are ok though).
No one is allowed to touch/see your body other than Mummy/Daddy/named trusted care givers.
It is inappropriate for unknown adults to ask for a child's help (help me put this in my car, find my lost kitten, come close to the car to give my directions etc) Always stand well back and refer them to an adult for help.
You do not accept sweets/gifts from unknown adults without Parents permission.
You are expected to be polite to all adults but you have Mummy's permission to be 'rude' if they make you in any way uncomfortable or ask you to break the rules.

However that aside some kids are just shy it's not that they been terrified about strangers.

And for everyone who asked how babies/children can tell the difference between a stranger and a friend your body language and tone of voice will be completely different to a friend than to a stranger who you are uncomfortable with.

Finally inappropriately over friendly children can be a pain in the arse. I once spent several hours effectively parenting a 3 yo kid at a farm park type place because he just tagged on to us. I finally drew the line when he asked to be taken to the toilet and demanded an ice lolly. His Mother no doubt thought it was delightful he'd found a nice family to chat to.

Mslg · 11/05/2016 10:05

I'd find this situation almost as annoying as people using the word 'bub' to describe a baby.

Just say no.

bluespiral · 11/05/2016 10:19

Why are you being so obtuse Apple? Yes I do know my family's state of health, whether they are ill or have recently got over something. I have no such knowledge with a stranger. And of course dropping a baby would be an accident but again, anybody who held DD I knew didn't have any kind of mobility problem or weakness that might make this more of a possibility. I don't know that with strangers. Ergo she was safer with people I knew and trusted.

AppleSetsSail · 11/05/2016 10:28

Yes I do know my family's state of health, whether they are ill or have recently got over something.

bluespriral, do you really not know that people are most contagious before symptoms of an illness appear?

NannawifeofBaldr · 11/05/2016 10:31

Apple

Blue is clearly talking about risk assessment. Of course you can't protect your child from every disease, infection or accident but you can review the available data and make a judgement of risk in that basis.

Blue can use personal knowledge and experience to judge that risk with people she knows. She doesn't have that data for strangers.

And I really can't believe that I'm spelling this out...

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 11:09

What if they were germy, what if they had dropped her? No fucking way.

Oh no, germs! Those pesky things that live on all of us.

By the way most germs are airborne, so not letting someone hold her won't make much difference. And dropping a baby is an accident that anyone could do.

NannawifeofBaldr · 11/05/2016 11:12

Future all true but none of that negates the fact that Bubble and anyone else is perfectly entitled to choose who hold their baby, for any reason they like.

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 11:25

Nanna I agree. I just think the reasoning is nonsensical

2Creamteas · 11/05/2016 11:35

YANBU. A similar thing happened to me with my dd when she was about 6 weeks old. We went to a friend's wedding and I had to change her in the ladies toilets,it was a posh hotel but no baby change room in sight! Whilst I was in there a woman approached me and asked if she could could hold her, I said "no sorry I don't know you" and smiled nicely. The woman looked put out and went off in a humph.
A while later, we had all eaten our meal and the dancing had started, I popped out to the loo leaving dd safely tucked in her pram with dh watching her. On my return, dd was no longer in pram. I asked dh where she was...his reply was "that woman has hold of her over there!" pointing across the dance floor to the very same woman who approached me in the toilet! Ofcourse I marched over there quick smart and got her back. Guess what ? SHE WAS PISSED UP !! giggling and staggering all over the place.MY BLOOD WAS BOILING!!! I asked dh what the hell was he playing at? He replied that he thought I knew her, she was so overly convincing and familiar he found it difficult to say no. He thought it would be ok as she was another guest of the newly married couple! Needless to say, he felt really sheepish after that and didn't hear the last of it for a long time!

Nannawifeofbaldr · 11/05/2016 12:02

Future instinct doesn't have to be logical - that doesn't make it wrong.

AppleSetsSail · 11/05/2016 12:05

Future all true but none of that negates the fact that Bubble and anyone else is perfectly entitled to choose who hold their baby, for any reason they like.

How is this even relevant? No one has suggested that the OP or anyone else doesn't have the right to decide who holds their baby. As Future has said, the disagreement is with the so-called reasoning.

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 12:26

instinct doesn't have to be logical - that doesn't make it wrong.

Isn't that the great thing with humanity, that we've evolved intellect and rationality so we don't have to rely on blind instinct?

bluespiral · 11/05/2016 12:36

Perhaps I'm not very highly evolved then as my instinct when DD was a baby simply would have been not to let strangers touch her. I wouldn't have sat there consciously rationalising why it wasn't a risk. You don't know me? You don't get to touch my child.

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 12:38

Blue or maybe you just worried a lot! The point is it's not really very risky to let strangers hold your baby, and if you think it is, you probably have excessive anxiety around the issue.

DuckAndPancakes · 11/05/2016 12:44

I'd have moved, but then I'm not really a big fan of people... I was going to say a specific type, but I'm really just not a fan of people in general. I'm terrible, no doubt.

I wouldn't trust a random stranger and neither would I really want them pawing at my children. I feel the same way about the people that wish to paw at pregnant people, it's a gross invasion of space IMO.

HazelBite · 11/05/2016 12:57

There is a type of person who thinks babies are public property and have absolutely no qualms about picking a baby out of its pram/cot for a cuddle.
It really isn't on unless the parent says "fine" or "would you like a cuddle".
When DS1 was born I was overwhelmed with visitors in hospital, poor child was passed around like a pass the parcel, jiggled when he cried, kissed, had raspberries blown at him, and was a nightmare to settle when the visitors had gone.
Well he caught a cold from the visitor who despite her sneezes persuaded Dh that it was "only hayfever".
Feeding a small baby with a heavy cold is a nightmare.
After that no-one was allowed to pick them up when they were tiny unless I agreed to it

damianlewislookslikeanoctopus · 11/05/2016 13:08

YANBU. She asked, you politely turned her down and that should have been the end.

It's totally up to you who holds your baby. All these stories about people just taking babies out of their cots/prams/seats etc are rather gobsmacking. Even when I'm at dd's I'll call out to her and ask if she wants me to take dgd out of her cot when she wakes up after a nap. As much as I love dgd more than life itself, it's not for me to just pluck her out of her cot or her pram for a cuddle. She's not my baby.

ZsaZsa1954 · 11/05/2016 13:25

If you have to be angry with anyone, and I don't see that you do, get angry with your baby - she was the one that started it by 'fixating' on the lady!

What on earth are you talking about? seriously, just what? blame a baby for a fact that someone went slightly mental around her and wouldn't take no for an answer? I bet the little hussy was flaunting herself, wasn't she?

JuxtapositionRecords · 11/05/2016 14:36

I don't really understand telling people it's neurotic or crazy to not let strangers hold their baby, or to try and force people into doing it. i have raised my kids who are all happy and social - ok, the eldest is very wary of strangers (but is quite shy anyway) but the others aren't and I raised them all in the same way. I have never had anyone ask to hold my babies so clearly it's not a requirement in a baby's life to be held by strangers or else they will grow up terrified and sheltered. They get/got plenty of people interaction talking to strangers, being cooed at etc. But then I never liked strangers touching my bump when pregnant either so maybe I just have boundary issues!

shiveringhiccup · 11/05/2016 15:00

get angry with your baby - she was the one that started it by 'fixating' on the lady!
This is such a strange thing to say.

All this about stranger danger is totally beside the point.

OP said no. That should be the end of it. The woman persisted and persisted, trying to bully the OP into handing over her child. Not ok.

Original poster
Bubble00 · 12/05/2016 16:36

Thanks for the support from people on Team Bubble ;)

At the end of the day she was being rude to carry on (and on and on and on and on) and if Mamma bear says no- for whatever reason she chooses- its N.O end of.

Wrong of the lady to be so insisting.

Also I will not feel guilty to not want to hand my baby to anyone and everyone ffs what is wrong with some of you people? --Be angry at the baby? - Yeah that'd help???

OP posts:
AppleSetsSail · 12/05/2016 16:44

At the end of the day she was being rude to carry on (and on and on and on and on) and if Mamma bear says no- for whatever reason she chooses- its N.O end of.

Quite right. Go Team Bubble. Wink

How old are you, anyway?

FutureGadgetsLab · 12/05/2016 17:22

"Mamma bear"

Hmm
NeedACleverNN · 12/05/2016 17:37

Well I was sorta on your side...
Not anymore

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