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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People wanting to hold my baby

105 replies

Bubble00 · 10/05/2016 20:57

So last week we (OH me and bub) were on the train and my curious 8mo fixated on a lady - all smiles as they do- I smiled at the lady and she held her hands out to hold my baby.

I politely said no she is a real mummys girl and would cry, but this woman spoke to my baby saying ' I think its your mother that won't let anyone hold YOU' and kept encouraging my lo by holding her hands out.

I got a bit impatient and took baby for a walk up and down the train and the woman carried on talking with my OH. She's a carer looked after a baby for 3 yrs so on.
I returned and she still held her hand out - so I said- look I don't want my baby trusting people we don't know and still she carried on!!! It just Really got my heckles up.. WIBU?? We ended up spending an hour on the train and I just cannot believe the fucking nerve.

How do you say NO YOU ARE NOT HOLDING MY BABY.

OP posts:

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 08:07

Juxtaposition it is a bit neurotic isn't it, I mean what are you worried about?

lovely Yes it is. Contrary to what some people think, most people are relatively harmless and just want a cuddle. You are right there. Stop overthinking it.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 11/05/2016 08:08

It's completely normal for toddlers to be wary of strangers, it's normal, healthy attachment behaviour. Toddlers who are all over people they have never met are more worrying.

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 08:10

Toddlers who are all over people they have never met are more worrying.

Why? Because they're friendly?

HazelBite · 11/05/2016 08:12

I'm in my 60's and have had 4 Dc's and hate it when women offer me their newborn to hold!
They seem to think I'm some motherly/granny type and I'm just longing to hold a baby. Don't get me wrong I like babies but I do not agree (especially when very new) for them to be passed around to all and sundry.
I think its dreadful behaviour to scoop a baby out of its pram or moses basket even if it is your grandchild.
I'm sorry when it comes to your baby Mum/Dad rules, you make your own decision about who holds your small child and anyone family or stranger who persists should be told "No" (very loudly)
(can you tell I have a bee in my bonnet about this )

treaclesoda · 11/05/2016 08:12

I said I wouldn't want to hand my baby to a stranger to hold but it has nothing to do with child abduction or stranger danger. It's just that I wouldn't want to. I can't really explain why I wouldn't want to, there's no real logical reason. I just wouldn't want to.

NeedACleverNN · 11/05/2016 08:15

Toddlers who are all over people they have never met are more worrying.

Why? Because they're friendly?

Because they have no stranger danger. Toddlers are supposed to be clingy to their caregiver for safety reasons. In the Stone Age it would have stopped them running into predators. In the modern age, it is just a way of staying safe.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 11/05/2016 08:16

Small children have an inbuilt wariness of strangers. This is an evolutionary protective mechanism because strangers can be dangerous. Small children who have positive and stable attachments to their primary carers tend to look to their carers to check whether a stranger is safe before trusting them. A toddler who goes to strangers for affection indiscriminately may be showing signs of insecure attachment behaviour.

Abbinob · 11/05/2016 08:20

Sexlube- that is my DS all over, if he sees a a parent playing with their kids in the park he'll go and start talking to them asking them to carry him, push him on the roundabout etc I do try and stop him though and distract him with something else.
Once he convinced a man to help him up the top of this netted rope climbing frame thing and we couldn't get him back down

He's 2 but he's always been like it, I think because we used to live in a temporary accommodation place that had staff and this communal room thing for the kids so he's used to being pi ked up by strangers though
Unless he's in a bad mood then if women try to speak to him he shouts "NO THAT'S MY MUMMY!" Then grabs my hair and says "SEEEEEEE my mummy has brown hair!"

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 08:22

Because they have no stranger danger.

Most strangers are not dangerous.

A toddler who goes to strangers for affection indiscriminately may be showing signs of insecure attachment behaviour.

My baby (toddler? He walks but he's under 12 months so I'm not sure whether he's a baby or toddler!) has never been clingy. He's just not that type. The whole idea of attachment parenting is kind of bizarre in my opinion, unless your child is glued to you like a limpet you're doing something wrong. Another way to make women feel they're not allowed an identity outside of "mother"

Abbinob · 11/05/2016 08:23

Jonsnows- my DS is just really used to strangers because we used to live with about 30 and they'd change all the time when people moved out a lot etc

Janeymoo50 · 11/05/2016 08:23

Hmmm, she was way too pushy and over the top so I can see why she irritated you. I'm not sure I would have even put my arms out really, too over familiar. I would have enjoyed just a little interaction, perhaps a head ruffle but certainly wouldn't have gone on and on - I'm cringing thinking about it.

I once sat next to a young mum on a flight to Glasgow, she had a 5 month old boy, she was very low (on her way to Grandmothers funeral), he was very restless and she got quite weepy. In the end I took him (with her express permission) for a walk up and down (the half empty) plane, very slowly. Just so she had 5 mins to drink her coffee, go to the loo, freshen her hair etc, and take a couple of headache pills. She was so much brighter 10 mins later, bless her.

TigerPath · 11/05/2016 08:24

She was rude to persist.

But why are you so against anyone holding your 8-month-old? I find that very strange. A tiny baby I can understand- I didn't like strangers touching my newborn yet alone holding him! But by 8 months they have good immune systems, are developing social skills, making friends with people, they are not delicate little things. You were, I assume, right next to the woman and she just wanted a quick cuddle? She could hardly have run off with baby while you were next to her on a train. What were you afraid of? Were you holding her or was she strapped into buggy?

I've let strangers hold my DS, usually little old ladies or broody women in coffee shops/on trains, a lady in physio waiting room etc. I stay right next to them but I feel it's good for him to get used to being held by different people. It's good for his social development and he loves the attention and stimulation. He often smiles and holds out his arms and will crawl to mums in baby groups. You can't teach them not to trust strangers at that age! And I love seeing the pleasure he gives people when they hold him. However most give him back pretty quickly as after a few mins he gets bored and tries to use their lap as a trampoline, or grabs boobs

AaoograhaHoa · 11/05/2016 08:25

YANBU

It's up to you. Simple as!

FWIW - I do agree though - I would let my 7Yr old hug a stranger and I wouldn't have let one hold him as a LO either. It's weird!

NeedACleverNN · 11/05/2016 08:29

Because they have no stranger danger.

Most strangers are not dangerous.

It doesn't matter if most strangers are not dangerous. There are the odd one who is and it's an evolutionary instinct to be wary of strangers

NannawifeofBaldr · 11/05/2016 08:29

Future you aren't planning to do any stranger danger awareness for your child at all? Really?

Btw your child's attitude to strangers before their first birthday is not necessarily a marker for how they will behave with strangers at 2 or 3.

shinynewusername · 11/05/2016 08:32

YANBU to expect your wishes to be respected. However, this,

I don't want my baby trusting people we don't know

is batshit crazy.

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 08:33

you aren't planning to do any stranger danger awareness for your child at all? Really?

I didn't say that. I said most strangers are not dangerous and I won't be teaching him to be scared of old ladies who say how cute he is.

Abbinob · 11/05/2016 08:33

Of course all kids are different and as with all psychological theories, doesn't apply to different culture or take account for individual differences etc but if say a baby/toddler was happy to be left with total strangers and didn't care at all when the primary caregiver returned then that could indicate an attachment problem. But I think it'd be more an issue if say they hurt themselves and sought comfort from a stranger rather than a parent, not so much if they are just happy to be picked up by a stranger

shinynewusername · 11/05/2016 08:34

It doesn't matter if most strangers are not dangerous. There are the odd one who is and it's an evolutionary instinct to be wary of strangers

Please explain to me how an 8 mo can tell the difference between an adult who is a stranger to her parents and an adult friend of her parents who she happens to be meeting for the first time?

nanetterose · 11/05/2016 08:34

For me, it always very much depended on the person/situation.
I'd actually really hate to hurt someone who was just being kind.

I think we are given intuition in circumstances like this. If you felt uncomfortable, it is probable she wasn't okay. For whatever reason...
I don't like preciousness either way l guess?

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 08:35

Abb I can bugger off and DS doesn't mind, but he gets excited when I come back. I'm at anyone who thinks that's a problem.

Abbinob · 11/05/2016 08:36

I don't see the need for stranger danger for toddlers/preschool kids. Weighing up the safety issues I'd rather DS wasn't scared of strangers he could go up to someone and say he was lost rather than being too scared and just wondering around! Because at this age they are should always be with a parent /grandparebt/ person they know anyway and if they're not then they are lost

FutureGadgetsLab · 11/05/2016 08:37

It doesn't matter if most strangers are not dangerous. There are the odd one who is and it's an evolutionary instinct to be wary of strangers

Let's not drive cars because occasionally you might get injured. Let's not eat at a restaurant, occasionally you might get food poisoning.

As someone else said, how does a baby know the difference between a stranger and a parents friend?

CocktailQueen · 11/05/2016 08:38

look I don't want my baby trusting people we don't know

YANBU and precious. Just say no. But, really, what harm could it have done?? She's hardly going to snatch your baby and run away with him, is she? You sound a little hysterical.

Abbinob · 11/05/2016 08:38

Future, yeah my DS is the same. Couldn't care less hut does like it when I'm back. It's normal in my opinion. That's just the theory. The only bit I'd agree with is if they seek comfort from random people if they get hurt/scared or something when the caregiver is there then that might be a bit off.

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