People wanting to hold my baby

[Bubble00]

So last week we (OH me and bub) were on the train and my curious 8mo fixated on a lady - all smiles as they do- I smiled at the lady and she held her hands out to hold my baby.

I politely said no she is a real mummys girl and would cry, but this woman spoke to my baby saying ' I think its your mother that won't let anyone hold YOU' and kept encouraging my lo by holding her hands out.

I got a bit impatient and took baby for a walk up and down the train and the woman carried on talking with my OH. She's a carer looked after a baby for 3 yrs so on.
I returned and she still held her hand out - so I said- look I don't want my baby trusting people we don't know and still she carried on!!! It just Really got my heckles up.. WIBU?? We ended up spending an hour on the train and I just cannot believe the fucking nerve.

How do you say NO YOU ARE NOT HOLDING MY BABY.

Abb Exactly it's just a friendly child.

I think some people are very precious about this.

I think 'stranger danger' does way more harm than good. I didn't teach my children 'stranger danger'.

The people most likely to harm your child are not strangers.

Pagwatch exactly. Makes much more sense to teach your kids what kind of behaviour is and isn't ok for an adult to do.

I do think some people don't appreciate that some babies do cry when strange people hold them. Op was on a train and didn't want to settle her daughter and why should she?

The fact some children will confidently walk up to anybody and some won't isn't or shouldn't be a reflection on parenting. It's just like life where some people are naturally a bit shyer than others.

I'm at some of the comments here - you don't just hand your baby to anybody if it's going to distress her, you should be 'angry at your baby for staring' ?

The point is when someone has politely said 'no' to go on and on and attempt to turn that no into a yes is out of order, uncomfortable and embarrassing.

Lovely- I completely agree, was just that someone said about attachment issues. On the ops case though totally fair enough and up to her, and weird of a random lady to think it was OK really. I definitely wouldn't try and pick up a random baby

DD was enormously sociable from the first, because she was surrounded by vast flocks of admirers. Our cul de sac held about a dozen primary age children happy to play with her. Once she started walking she would introduce herself to strangers, some of whom would give her biscuits.

We tolerated this because a) we're not full of middle class anxieties b) people are pretty much OK c) we often needed a break from the constant stream of questions.

I'm not talking about attachment parenting I'm talking About attachment behaviour which is an indicator of his w secure a child's attachment relationship with their primary Carer is.

Please explain to me how an 8 mo can tell the difference between an adult who is a stranger to her parents and an adult friend of her parents who she happens to be meeting for the first time?

Usually that will be because the parents are present! An 8mo may be happy to be cuddled by a random if she can see her mum nearby but if mum disappears for a while that baby will probably get upset. That's attachment behaviour

YANBU at all. I wouldn't want a stranger holding my baby especially not a toddler. For me I would be worried about germs and dropping them and just why do they need to!?

Couldn't care less hut does like it when I'm back

This is healthy attachment behaviour. Securely attached children are not fearful of everyone but they are aware of their parents/carers and whilst they can be distracted out of distress and can play happily without them they will show pleasure when their parents return.

As much as kindly strangers love, love, love babies and dearly miss holding them, and as exhausted and fed up as mothers can be with 8 month old babies it seems like a friendly traintime cuddle is a match made in heaven.

I wouldn't dare ask, though, because I've read enough posts like yours on MN OP - this woman shouldn't have persisted.

I agree with Hazel that parents' reasonable rules should be respected. We have an NCT Friend who is really struggling with a whole string of extended family and friends playing 'pass the parcel' (her words) with her daughter.

The wider issue is about how we teach our children to have both a sense of community but also an age appropriate, streetwise, healthy scepticism of strangers. After all, if it takes a village to raise a child, that village can't be very effective if we don't trust one another!

Where do we draw our boundaries?

Thank you kindandnormal and others that don't see me as a 'batshit crazy' -

I have been on a plane with the LO and asked strangers to hold her whilst I get my passport/bag etc- It was just this woman's perseverance that got to me. If she hadn't been so -irritating- insisting and actually spoken to me first for awhile I might have reacted differently.

Rubberduck2 Thats similar to an event that made me aware of overbearing people with babies when LO was about 3mo we went out for our first meal with her. The waiter kept cooing over her and before I knew it he had taken her out of my arms. I tried to act calm - even though he hadn't asked - but took her out of sight into the KITCHEN to show the chef!!!

I was so mad at myself for not reacting straight away. It made me want to be sick at the time. So maybe I am a little over protective now...
..hence this thread...

Exactly florathetutor

Please explain to me how an 8 mo can tell the difference between an adult who is a stranger to her parents and an adult friend of her parents who she happens to be meeting for the first time? Usually that will be because the parents are present! An 8mo may be happy to be cuddled by a random if she can see her mum nearby but if mum disappears for a while that baby will probably get upset. That's attachment behaviour

And in the OP's scenario where both parents were present?

Everyone is a stranger the 1st time you meet them, whether your parents are present or not.

One of the reasons why Stranger Danger is completely discredited is that people do not divide neatly into strangers and non-strangers. Stranger Danger is never used for safeguarding teaching now because it confuses people - including some posters on this thread, by the sound of it.

I wouldn't have ever let a stranger hold DD when she was a baby. She wasn't public property. What if they were germy, what if they had dropped her? No fucking way. Luckily nobody ever asked!

So it's OK for other people to hold your baby when you want them to, OP?

So why didn't you want this woman to - because she was persistent or because you don't want your baby trusting people you don't know?

I agree with Hazel that parents' reasonable rules should be respected. We have an NCT Friend who is really struggling with a whole string of extended family and friends playing 'pass the parcel' (her words) with her daughter.

Surely when you're at family gatherings, you let people hold your baby (right?) and when your baby cries, the person holding the baby hands her back to you.

I wouldn't have ever let a stranger hold DD when she was a baby. She wasn't public property. What if they were germy, what if they had dropped her? No fucking way. Luckily nobody ever asked!

You do realise that the people who you allow to hold her were as likely to be germy or drop her as the strangers who would be foolish enough to ask you?

Hey I'm not commenting on the op's original decision, I'm commenting on the discussion that arose from it. Personally, I went for a pub lunch when ds was 3 weeks old and a woman who was a friend of one of the friends I was with happened to be there. She offered to hold ds while I ate and I actually forgot I had a baby as she was holding him for about 30 minutes newborns don't really know who is holding them but older babies definitely do.

No Apple I don't realise that. I trust my close family not to drop a baby and I know whether they are ill or not

I also know they have decent standards of hygiene etc.

Entirely up to you how you parent your child. If you don't want people holding the baby then don't let them.

Personally, I let anyone have a cuddle with ds 7m. He's such a smiley giggly baby and it's lovely to see how happy it makes people when he smiles at them, which the makes him happier.

He's got a very strong attachment regardless of this. As long as he can see me smiling he's fine with it and when I pick him up after work he's so happy to see me, he belly flops across the room at lightening speed.

Each to their own. No need to judge.

I handed my 5 day old to a stranger for a cuddle. I think the difference is 'i offered' rather than 'she asked'