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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay

92 replies

Auroraduffy · 10/05/2016 17:41

I am most likely being very petty so feel free to tell me.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, he has his own DS12 from a previous relationship, the break up was very very messy, happened when DSS was 1.

It's been very hard trying to find my place in this family, at first I tried to be involved with DSS but according to his Mum my help was not wanted or needed, so over the years I've become more of a friend then a parental figure to DSS, we only have him for the holidays as DH and I work long hours.

The families are very much separate, DSS' Mum remarried years ago, has other kids etc her and DH only communicate through email and it's normally her complaining about me.

E.g I bought him a phone, an exact replica of the one he had after it fell into the paddling pool when he was staying with us, his mother hit the roof. He loves art so for Christmas I got him this great set of paints and brushes, she complained and demanded that I was to not spend a penny on her DS, she's been very clear over the years that my financial contribution is not needed and has accused me of trying to buy off her DS.

DSS and I aren't that close, we get along, he's a sweet kid but his Mum has made it impossible for me to be a real part of his life.

DH has been paying for DSS' prep school through the years and DSS has managed to secure a place at a Public school this September, the agreement between DH and DSS' Mum was that for senior school, she would have to contribute 20% as DH simply couldn't afford senior school on his own, the fees are massively different. They agreed on this years ago, as they had to decide on potential schools when DSS was around nine.

DSS' Mum has just informed us that she will not be contributing to school fees as her and her current DH have decided that it wouldn't be fair to pay for one child to go to a fee paying school and not the others, they have 3 DC together, she expected DH to pay the full amount, which he simply can't afford to do.

When he emailed her that he couldn't do it, she emailed that of course he could, he should give up on certain luxuries to provide for his DS etc etc and that I could always chip in!!!

She has made my position over the years very clear, and I in turn made it very clear to DH that I have no intention of paying a penny towards DSS' schooling, plenty of great State schools around, if she doesn't want to chip in.

I said that all last night and now I'm feeling very petty.

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 11/05/2016 01:09

I understand how you feel and you are right not to want her to demand you contribute.

However this is a question of what both your DH and DSS need at the moment. I think you already know this Ex-W is not a reasonable person and she will no doubt relish blaming you for DSS not going to his school of choice. Discuss with DH, he no doubt wants to do the right thing for his DS, whilst being mindful of how you must understandably feel.

VimFuego101 · 11/05/2016 01:14

YANBU. She made it clear your money wasn't wanted, and for DSS to go to private school while his siblings go to state school sounds like a recipe for resentment.

RockMeMomma · 11/05/2016 01:19

Op Didn't you post about this before several times under a different username? Hmm
Details tweeted a bit but the same script

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/05/2016 07:41

You can usually only reduce CM for school fees if it's boarding

MiddleClassProblem · 11/05/2016 08:32

I think Teapot put it well. And if you want to be more involved (go to parents evening etc) then it can be part of the agreement.

I don't think you have to at all, it's your money but I wouldn't make the judgement based on the cow, more on your actual finances and what you would be sacrificing there

MiddleClassProblem · 11/05/2016 08:33

Or he goes to a shot state school for a year and they apply for a bursary next year

Original poster
Auroraduffy · 11/05/2016 09:15

I think as much I don't want to pay, some of you are right, this isn't about her, it isn't fair or right for DSS to put in all that hard work and be told, sorry the adults in your life hate each other and we're all refusing to pay, but if I am going to pay, you can bet all restrictions financial or otherwise are off the table, I'll buy him whatever present I want, I'll go to school plays or performances etc, it's a good opportunity to try and be a bigger part of DSS' life and you can bet I'm going to enjoy emailing her and highlighting exactly what I expect.

Knowing her, she'll tell me to get lost, but those are my terms, she either pays herself or accepts them.

OP posts:
RandyMagnum · 11/05/2016 09:18

I don't see how it's not fair to send one kid to a different school to the others, when the kid going to the fee paying school has a different dad who would be paying 80% of the fee's, you simply explain to the other kids that that childs dad pays the majority of the fee's, whereas they can't afford 100% of the fee's for two kids.

She's saying it purely because she doesn't want to pay anything at all and is seeing if your husband will pay for it all. She's already asked that.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/05/2016 09:34

It's clear she's a dick but on her head be it. Yes she can still be a cow to you, but if you just keep doing what you're doing then it just makes her look bitter. If she says anything about buying DSS again I would be a little petty and say "what like paying for his education?" And drop the mic.

gamerchick · 11/05/2016 09:37

So her gamble paid off, the big maniplation has worked and she's going to get her way?

Bravo the ex, well played Grin

Original poster
Auroraduffy · 11/05/2016 09:51

Gamerchick, Ugh, I'm trying to be the bigger adult here. I know she won't pay, if DSS had a chance of getting into a decent state school then I wouldn't do it, but it's unlikely he'll get a place. He's the one that suffers the most in this. I think I'll do as someone above suggested and enquire about schools in our area, maybe the threat of DSS moving in with us will get her to back down.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 11/05/2016 09:52

I think you do have to be the bigger person here. It could be very difficult for him in bigger classes, dealing with the more difficult kids, when he is used to a much more sheltered school. There is much potential for bullying.

Does he pay generous maintenance on top of the school fees? Would she agree to reduce that?

BoatyMcBoat · 11/05/2016 09:57

I do think that it's incredibly divisive for one child to be going to a private school while the others go to state. It depends how it's presented to all the children, and how the privileged one behaves.

dowhatnow · 11/05/2016 10:00

I agree boaty but that's already the case and it's unfair to stop now.

gamerchick · 11/05/2016 10:05

I know man Grin she'll be banking on that. I understand, someone has to think of the bairn and be the adult but ultimately she will have as she always has got her way.

I do think giving her an ultimatum like have the bairn move in with you would be worth a shot. She can't call all of the shots all of the time.

BombadierFritz · 11/05/2016 10:07

You could give fair notice it is only til gcse year and plan for sixth form at a college instead as a way of saving money last 2 years? She plays a good game thats for sure

maybebabybee · 11/05/2016 10:10

Yanbu.

But I am hardcore on private schools, I don't think they should exist Grin

Seriously though, yanbu. She is well out of line.

Original poster
Auroraduffy · 11/05/2016 10:12

Boaty, I agree, the other DC's are 10 and under, so she knew when she chose to send DSS to prep that she had at least another DC to think about but she's always used the excuse that DSS' Dad pays as any defence to criticism, DH does pay monthly maintenance but it's not a lot, because he was already paying for school fees, the monthly money is spent on uniforms, trips, after school activities and an allowance for DSS, from what I've seen he has an okay relationship with his siblings, but can't really judge on just a few comments said over the holidays.

I'm going to hold off as long as I can, make it clear I'm looking for a school here, act like DSS has a great chance of getting in and that this was truly the best thing, I'm not paying without a fight.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 11/05/2016 10:12

I think you do have to be the bigger person here. It could be very difficult for him in bigger classes, dealing with the more difficult kids, when he is used to a much more sheltered school. There is much potential for bullying.

What a crock of shit. My best friend attended one of the best fee paying schools in London. She ended up developing a stomach ulcer through stress (combination of academic pressure and bullying) and ended up dropping out and doing her a levels at a state school (passed with flying colours).

Obviously that isn't representative of all private schools as I'm sure many are lovely but what a load of crap to say he will be bullied at state school!

MiddleClassProblem · 11/05/2016 10:14

Defo, at least you know he won't be stuck but make sure all other avenues are covered first. And if you're ok with having DSS live with you and he likes the idea, it might be the way forward.

dowhatnow · 11/05/2016 10:15

potentail!!!!!

dowhatnow · 11/05/2016 10:15

potential even !

Original poster
Auroraduffy · 11/05/2016 10:21

I don't mind DSS living with us, but his DM will have a heart attack, she won't give him up without a fight, but I'm hoping just the though of losing him will make her pay.

maybebaby, I think he would do alright in State school, it won't be the end of the world but it's the fact that he's worked so hard for the tests, went through with all the interviews, expects to attend there etc, it would be a massive shock to tell him it was all pointless, but I know she utterly loves him, the idea of him at State school would actually really hurt her, so I'm banking on her backing down, if her DH agreed I'm sure she'd pay, but she can't justify using their money to only pay for one child, but she's crazy enough to do it anyway, if she really thinks no one else will pay

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 11/05/2016 10:25

If you do end up paying then she funds all uniform, trips etc. No more maintenance whatsoever, because she can justify paying for those basics herself.

grannytomine · 11/05/2016 10:56

Does he have grandparents who might help? Seems a shame for him if he is expecting to go to this school and will have to join a state school where everyone will already have friends. When my DD was at grammar school this happened to a girl, I don't know why but she had been at a local private school and then moved to the grammar school in year 9. She had a tough time settling from what I remember and she put her foot in it several times by saying things that made the other girls think she was being a snob but I am sure to her it was just normal.