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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to pay

92 replies

Auroraduffy · 10/05/2016 17:41

I am most likely being very petty so feel free to tell me.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, he has his own DS12 from a previous relationship, the break up was very very messy, happened when DSS was 1.

It's been very hard trying to find my place in this family, at first I tried to be involved with DSS but according to his Mum my help was not wanted or needed, so over the years I've become more of a friend then a parental figure to DSS, we only have him for the holidays as DH and I work long hours.

The families are very much separate, DSS' Mum remarried years ago, has other kids etc her and DH only communicate through email and it's normally her complaining about me.

E.g I bought him a phone, an exact replica of the one he had after it fell into the paddling pool when he was staying with us, his mother hit the roof. He loves art so for Christmas I got him this great set of paints and brushes, she complained and demanded that I was to not spend a penny on her DS, she's been very clear over the years that my financial contribution is not needed and has accused me of trying to buy off her DS.

DSS and I aren't that close, we get along, he's a sweet kid but his Mum has made it impossible for me to be a real part of his life.

DH has been paying for DSS' prep school through the years and DSS has managed to secure a place at a Public school this September, the agreement between DH and DSS' Mum was that for senior school, she would have to contribute 20% as DH simply couldn't afford senior school on his own, the fees are massively different. They agreed on this years ago, as they had to decide on potential schools when DSS was around nine.

DSS' Mum has just informed us that she will not be contributing to school fees as her and her current DH have decided that it wouldn't be fair to pay for one child to go to a fee paying school and not the others, they have 3 DC together, she expected DH to pay the full amount, which he simply can't afford to do.

When he emailed her that he couldn't do it, she emailed that of course he could, he should give up on certain luxuries to provide for his DS etc etc and that I could always chip in!!!

She has made my position over the years very clear, and I in turn made it very clear to DH that I have no intention of paying a penny towards DSS' schooling, plenty of great State schools around, if she doesn't want to chip in.

I said that all last night and now I'm feeling very petty.

OP posts:
APotterWithAHappyAtmosphere · 10/05/2016 18:33

Wouldn't it be better for DSS and his siblings if they all went to the same type of school? It would have felt very imbalanced if my half-siblings had gone to fee paying schools and I hadn't, or vice versa, simply due to the different parent.

If he is very bright and there is a selective state school in the area then wouldn't he be better off applying to one of those?

FetchezLaVache · 10/05/2016 18:33

She's unhinged. One of her children going to private school while the others attended state schools only became a problem, apparently, when it became clear she was going to have to stump up some of the fees herself...

BombadierFritz · 10/05/2016 18:44

Has he got a place at a state school? Will he be able to get a place at a reasonable school? All seems a bit late in the day.

ManonLescaut · 10/05/2016 18:46

It's totally unfair for one child to go private and the other state. So your DH can say he doesn't want to put his son in the position of his siblings resenting his special treatment, and furthermore he can't afford it, so that's the end of that.

sue51 · 10/05/2016 18:46

YANBU. The exwife is setting herself up for big problems if she is treating her children are receiving such an unequal education.

anontoday23 · 10/05/2016 18:50

It's so funny she says that she and her new partner won't pay towards one kid to go to school but is still actually happy for one of her children to go to the private school- surely she wouldn't want this child to go if her other two can't. She has insane , morally messed up logic and sounds nuts. You are not being petty at all. At all.

ENormaSnob · 10/05/2016 19:01

Yanbu

AndNowItsSeven · 10/05/2016 19:09

If it's dh only child then he should continue to pay. Very unfair to stop paying after prep unless his financial circumstances change dramatically.

Lovewineandchocs · 10/05/2016 19:21

The OP has already stated that her DH can't afford to pay the entire fees. He paid for prep school but the fees are much more expensive for senior public school and, given that the ExW has re-neged on her previous agreement to pay 20% of the fees, it is unfair and unreasonable to expect the OPs DH to take on the burden of the full fees. OP, YANBU at all.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/05/2016 19:37

Love Madame's idea.

Totally agree if you can't afford it but is it very important to DH? Part of me thinks irregardless of the bitch, the kid still might need this kind of school hence DH wanting him to go. He might not do so well in either bigger classes or a school with less specialised things or whatever.

(I would like to point out the myself and DH both went to private schools and hated it and DD will not be going to one unless it is one that specialise in a talent/academic area that she enjoys and excels in eg a music school)

FishWithABicycle · 10/05/2016 20:16

Senior private school fees are significantly more than prep schools so it's not at all unreasonable that his mum should contribute if she can. If she genuinely can't (and with 3 other kids that's entirely possible) and your DH can't then could he apply for a means-tested partial bursary to cover the difference between the affordable prep school fees and the not-affordable full senior fees?

I also think Madame has a genius suggestion but I would be wary of going there in case the mum agrees and then you're stuck!

Original poster
Auroraduffy · 10/05/2016 20:45

His DM seems to think the fact that DH pays is a good enough excuse, it wasn't her money, so she wasn't the one at fault but if she actively helps finance then she's technically paying for one child and not the other three Confused I'm sure it makes sense in her head.

DSS is DH's only child but it's not a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of DH being unable to, which she is well aware of, he has no back up school that doesn't take fees, and decent state school will have their year nine places all full, I honestly think she left it so late, so we'd have to do as she's demanding

OP posts:
Backpfeifengesicht · 10/05/2016 22:05

Nope stick to your guns. She is your dss's parent as well and she should be responsible for his schooling, not your dh by himself. I would hustle to find a place at the best secondary school you can find now because even if she does pay some of the private schooling this year I imagine it will be an ongoing battle for the rest of his time there, she'll probably refuse to pay after the first year when he's already settled there. Better for him to start in a state school now I thnik.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/05/2016 22:45

But I meant if he really wanted to would you help? I think her demands are outrageous but if they are just her demands then hopefully you can come to some other arrangement. A school with lesser fees or talk to the good state schools and see if there are any options. Are there any scholarships he might be suitable for?

MiddleClassProblem · 10/05/2016 22:46

But at the end of the day she will have to pay if it's the only option because the fees won't get paid. That or her home schooling him which may work out well given how manipulative she is means she must have some brains

Original poster
Auroraduffy · 10/05/2016 23:00

Middleclass, I have no idea what he thinks or feels about it as no one has told him, and knowing his DM she doesn't plan to at all and will leave it on us to tell him. She most likely won't even look at schools for him until the beginning of September as she'll bank on DH backing down and paying, but he genuinely can't afford to do it, he would if he could.

I know he can apply for bursaries but no idea on when the deadline for those are, but I'm sure they've passed.

Even if he did really want to go, I don't think I could do it, his DM can afford to pay the 20% herself, she changed the agreement and after all the troubles she's given me about spending money on her DS, there's no way I could pay all that and still deal with her crap.

I do feel terrible that all his hard work has essentially been thrown away and if she'd been a lot nicer, less controlling etc I might have paid but I just can't bring myself to do it.

DH has emailed her, saying he can't pay and unless she agrees to the 20% to either enquire about bursaries or start ringing up State schools, I'm sure she's going to have a massive fit, but hopefully she's in bed by now and won't see it till the morning.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 10/05/2016 23:07

Well she left it all a bit late hasn't she.
Has she sent in the application and the fee that goes with it to the Secondary already, The private school we looked at needed everything in by End of April, and the testing day for bursaries was in January here.
Even for state schools the places have already been given.
What a silly woman.

BombadierFritz · 10/05/2016 23:10

Are you committed to some level already? Best tell the school asap i think

PaulAnkaTheDog · 10/05/2016 23:21

Cheeky mare!

EveOnline2016 · 10/05/2016 23:28

Does dh pay money to her as well as the school fees, if so could he says all money will stop if he pays the full amount.

Original poster
Auroraduffy · 10/05/2016 23:34

Squinkies, deposit and all required fees have been paid by DH already. DSS has got a place and DH wanted to go over how they were going to split future fee payments which is when she informed him, she wouldn't be contributing at all. I know she's deliberately left it so late, to put DH in a tough position, if she'd mentioned it months ago, DSS would have more options on where to go, now it's either I pay or hope he gets into a decent state school which is very unlikely.

I think she genuinely believes that DH will cough up, because he's given in before but money doesn't grow on trees!

OP posts:
BoatyMcBoat · 11/05/2016 00:04

Why don't you check out good secondaries in your area, so when she says she can't find a place for him in anything but the local failing state school, dh can say "oh well, there's a place for him at this brilliant, grade A state secondary here". Then he can come and live with you, and she can pay maintenance to your dh.

age81 · 11/05/2016 00:07

Does your DH pay anything to ex each month? If so could it be deducted from that?

Who would fund uniforms/trips etc?

Rainbowqueeen · 11/05/2016 00:52

I'd get DH to send a letter to the school declining the place and cc it to her.

Teapot13 · 11/05/2016 01:07

I agree with most posters that YWNBU not to contribute.

However, I think you should think about it in terms of your DH's relationship with his son, and also what kind of a stepmother you want to be to him, rather than focusing on how unreasonable the ex-wife has been. Does your DH want to pay all of it? You say it isn't affordable, but then why are you discussing it? Don't refuse to pay to spite her -- it should be about the child, his needs, your and his father's relationship to him, your financial position.