to ask how your six year old leaves playdates?

[justforthisonce]

Mine plays up, refuses to leave, runs around the hosters house. It is completely undermining and embarrassing.

Last night there was hiding under tables, screaming, laughing.

Please could anyone suggest tactics.

We have tried time out post play date and cancelling play dates, but the time delay is not instant enough for my child to understand.

I've tried confiscating toys but my child is normally placid and easy going and is quite happy to lose a toy.

Does anyone have any advice?

But yes - picking up and walking out works. Bring a carrier bag to deposit shoes, coats, random shit into so you can hang it on your arm.

Dire warnings that "X won't have you over again!" sometimes work, as do "We've got to get home in time to beat Daddy/have dinner/feed the cat"

DS went through a horrible stage where he'd literally grab onto the friend and not let go, they thought that was funny, we had to peel them apart and restrain him while parent ran 100mph in the opposite direction, then he'd have a full scale tantrum because he "hadn't had time to say goodbye". He ignored the fact he'd been told very clearly now is your last chance to say goodbye nicely.

I have never said that I don't give consequences to my child. I find the idea of banning a six year old from play dates for a long period quite disturbing

And an amen from me too. It's not about luck, it's about consistency and hard work.

My DS did this a couple of times when he was about 6. I did the countdown from 3, with a consequence and followed through with the consequence if he didn't leave when I asked. The consequence was that 'I will lead you out of the house in front of your friends with no coat or shoes on and there will be no treat/supper when you get home'. No bribes needed.

However, he was also praised when he does leave without a fuss and I tell him how much I appreciated what he has done and why.

It is hard work and also embarrassing when they behave like this.

My neighbours lad, who is 5 is prone to having a meltdown when he has to go home. He goes and sits at the top of my stairs and refuses to move. His Mum is a lovely lady, but does tend to dither a bit in these situations. I just step in and tell him firmly that if he isn't in the hall putting on his shoes by the time I count to 5, I will come and get him and carry him down the stairs, like a baby. It does the trick. It has to, as it is annoying when I need to make tea and he won't leave.

AnnaMarlowe I couldn't agree more. I put in hours and hours of not going for the easy life when my children were younger, of never ever giving in once I had said no, following through on threats and not just leaving the kids to it 'Lord of the Flies' style at gatherings of adults and kids where it would have been far easier just to kick back and drink with the adults but I am reaping the rewards now.
My children are great company so family time is a total pleasure, we have very few issues and I can relax and negotiate a lot of the rules now because they know where the buck stops and don't push it.
But I get sick to the back teeth of people telling me how lucky I am that my kids are so 'good'.

just it doesn't need to be for a long time.

In advance of the next play date discuss with him the importance of leaving properly. Explain that it is bad manners to the host, disrespectful to you and embarrassing for everyone. He needs to get his things together and say goodbye nicely immediately you ask him to or his next play date will be cancelled. And then follow through.

You may find you only need to do it once or twice.

That's mirrors my experience Avebury early work has paid off with happy, well behaved children and a happy house.

My less strict friends shout far more than ever do and their children are upset far more often.

Oh god. Flashbacks.

One of the reasons I hate play dates. It does get better though.

I remember having to man handle DS out of one house.

You have my sympathy.

It's the same with other kids. There was a full blown tantrum over the Gupp-A in my house once when someone was leaving.

Blimey some judgemental people on here. A mum is asking for advice about some very normal.young child behaviour. Of course there are amazing parents on this thread who have brought up little angels. Well good on you all.

Personally I use bribery to get my son out of the door quickly and if that fails physical force. ...

waterrat Read my posts, I responded politely to the OP and gave her advice about what to do. Nowhere did I say it wasn't normal or imply that she wasn't a good parent. She knows herself that it needs sorting out, hence her post.

My 'judgement' (although I wouldn't consider it such) was reserved for another poster who implied (perhaps unintentionally) that good behaviour is down to temperament and luck of the draw. I disagree.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but what I often do is text the host of the playdate and say "I'll be there in X mins, can she be ready to go when I arrive please?" My DD is ok with leaving a playdate but her best friend not so much. When she's at ours and refusing to get ready I often step in and tell her to move the f*ck along! OK, maybe not quite in those words but I am strict about it when I can clearly see she's trying to wind us up

DD1 was like this. I would just get her out as fast as possible, then once in the car would say there would be no story for the evening (she loved stories at the time). She'd wail all the way home.

I also stopped her going to play at people's houses for a few weeks a few times for bad behaviour when leaving. That worked! And gave me a break from the angst that is playdates.

In retrospect I think she was often really tired from school and found extra things quite hard.

DD2, who was usually there to witness her sister, is (so far) angelic during and leaving playdates. But is not angelic in many other ways!

Actually going way back to when I was a child minder my charges would get their shoes and coats on / cooperate with getting them on for me if I knew their parents were pulling up outside and got them moving before they knocked at the
door, but play up like feral cats if their parents came in while they
were still playing and tried to get them out the door...

Joolsy may be onto something suggesting you text ahead and ask the parents to tell him to get his coat (though you might want to agree that plan with the parents in advance to avoid looking as if you are treating the parents like paid helpers )

That is probably why I cannot get my head around an NT 8 year old doing this too - the host's send an 8 year old out, the child's parent doesn't come in and cajole them ...

Don't go in, ask the parents to chuck him out (to you) :o If I take my 5 yo to play with a friend and want to go in for a cuppa or to suss new friends out do it at the start then leave after 15 minutes.

Well said Anna

I don't think my parenting is superior, but I do know the way our child behaves is largely a result of our parenting. Both her good points and her bad ones.

She is far from compliant. Anyone who has witnessed her stubborn, wilful streak inside our house would attest to that. Because of it, we have to work hard to teach her that whilst she might be able to argue black is white with us at home, when she is out, she does as she is asked.

Rare is the child who turns out a certain way despite parental influence.

My daughter's friend used to be appalling at leaving play dates. She screamed and screamed. Her mum tried everything. Awful behaviour. She and my daughter are now 23, fabulous lovely girls. It's now quite funny looking back at these days. But it was really hard at the time.

I can' t say that my consistent and firm parenting paid off very early (dd played up for a long time), but at least by picking her up and removing her I wasn't making it the other family's problem. Which is always something.

When ds' friend went in for this sort of thing, I did not blame his mother for not having turned him into a compliant child, I blamed her (internally) for not removing him and letting him be uncompliant somewhere else where it didn't interfere with the rest of my afternoon.

Dd was still having screaming tantrums at the age of six. I couldn't stop that. But I did my best to ensure she wasn't having them under the feet of people trying to get on with preparing dinner.

I would say I'm pretty firm, consistent and I always follow through. I still have a 6 yr old who likes to go and hide and refuses to leave play dates. He is slowly getting better but it's a long journey.

He's had consistent count downs about leaving or finishing activities since he was around 13 months old and first started to kick off about things finishing. He still does it on occasions so it is not a magic wand that solves all. But being consistent with it does slowly help.

Try not to be embarrassed, lots of kids do this at this age.

My 9 year old ds still does this on occasion, but in general finds moving from one activity to another very difficult. I find taking him to one side looking in his face and telling him calmly that it is time to go is what works, as does a count-down if there is time for one. When he is absorbed in something with a friend and I have to 'extract' him from playing it is much more difficult. I do not agree that all compliant children are that way just because of superior parenting. My dd (6) is very good at leaving playdates but then again far less good at concentrating so she just doesn't get as absorbed by what she's doing (including playing with a friend). She also cares more what other people think of her so doesn't want to be seen making a fuss, unlike my ds.

takeiteasy to clarify no one said "all compliant children are that way just because of superior parenting"

I said just the opposite.

If you reread my posts I agreed that some children are naturally compliant but that it shouldn't be assumed that all good behaviour is down to temperament, when the behaviour is often down to years of hard work on the part of the parents.

And to further clarify, I made these statements in response to another poster's comments. I didn't come onto the thread and say "My parenting is better than yours".

Just pick up your childs belongings first and carry them to the car. Go back to the hosts house, pick up your child and swiftly carry him out of there. Tell your child before the playdate that this is what you will do if they dont instantly get their shoes and coat and say "thank you for having me" before swiftly leaving. Let your child know they score, they will be carried out and humiliated if they dont follow proper leaving etiquette.

Otherwise you are just irritating the hell out of the host.

It was a nightmare every time my son had one specific friend over, as friends mum brought younger sibling to pick up, and let him lose in my house, running around screeching for 30 minutes, trying to play with everything, feed fish, and jump on the trampoline, test skateboards, in the two minute me and her would usually talk before taking older child, placidly out. Pick up at 6pm usually meant leaving around 7pm, with both me and the other mum exasperated, and my son angry at friends sibling. Because she used the playdate to try and "teach her son behaviour". No, you dont bloody inconvenience others to teach your child, again and again and again.

My almost 4 to dd is like this sometimes. Before we go to the playdate we have a talk about what time is home time, how long she will get on her playdate and what we will be doing after. I then make sure I turn up 5 mins early so she gets a bit of warning. I make a race of putting on shoes (Which may not work with an older child) but all the while talking about the 'plan' for the evening. There's always a couple of choices for her to make so 'after tea shall we read our book or get straight in the bath?'. In this way I can usually manage to bamboozle her all the way out of the door before she gets cross about leaving. That way it only impacts on me!

Ha ha it's not nurture it's nature. 2 of my kids were angelic saying thank you and goodbye while the other 2 hid and played up.

I grabbed belongings and then grabbed the child. No messing no countdown crap just quick ejection.

They are all fabulous adults now so don't worry op.

My DD and her friend used to be terrible for this. We started to drop them home, ie the host would take them home. The guest child was more compliant when it wasn't their own parent telling them to leave.

Then we had to be really firm that the original host child didn't go into to the guest child's house. A quick handover on the doorstep and chit chat with the parent another time.

I'm glad it's not just my child! I've been so embarrassed about this before.

FWIW, I've got 5, and only one has really done this (so far) so not sure about the nature/nurture thing. The one who objects is the most energetic bouncy one that reacts with an ear piercing scream loudly to everything. She's 6 now, a bit better at leaving places but no signs of getting any quieter unfortunately.

Picking up 27.5kg of resistant 6 year old would break my back

I always tell mine if they don't leave nicely at the end of the visit then people won't want to invite them back. Accompanied usually by, "we have a bus to catch, we need to go home and get supper ready."

One of mine was like this - a combination of pointing out she wouldn't be invited back and getting host parent to tell them to get their shoes socks coat etc as mummy was here worked a treat - if there are houses where they regularly play up ask the host to get onside - if nothing else it reinforces your message that they are being a pain and won't get invited back.

Having said all of that, when they turn 10/11 they all start it off
all over again as they think it is a laugh.......................