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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how your six year old leaves playdates?

87 replies

justforthisonce · 10/05/2016 14:31

Mine plays up, refuses to leave, runs around the hosters house. It is completely undermining and embarrassing.

Last night there was hiding under tables, screaming, laughing.

Please could anyone suggest tactics.

We have tried time out post play date and cancelling play dates, but the time delay is not instant enough for my child to understand.

I've tried confiscating toys but my child is normally placid and easy going and is quite happy to lose a toy.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2016 15:21

You might find it too hard going to tell your DS that he can't see his friend again, but that's what I did with DS1 when he was 5. Well, not that he couldn't see him again, but that he wouldn't be allowed to go and play at his house again.
Luckily, DS1's friend's mum was of similar mindset - and she agreed with me.

DS1 hasn't played up at this friend's house ever since.

However, a couple of years later, Ds1 played up at another friend's house - pretended to have disappeared (with the collusion of the children of the house). I already had Ds2 strapped in and unhappy in the car, so my friend said "don't worry, I'll drop him back to yours on my way to taking my DC to sport". So she did. But she also told me that he'd been very pleased with himself when he finally realised I'd actually left him there - he was less pleased, FAR less pleased, when he realised his punishment was to not play at ANYONE'S house for the rest of the year. (About 6 weeks).

He hasn't messed up since.

SoupDragon · 10/05/2016 15:40

DS2 was like this. Once I told him that if he left promptly I would buy him some trading card things. He left so swiftly it was almost rude!

Original poster

justforthisonce · 10/05/2016 16:25

its interesting to hear that 6 is too old for this behaviour. i also agree

I am going to talk to my child tonight, ive just worked out he had 6 playdates all in the last two weeks and all of them have beendifferent degrees of hard work with him leaving. It's a shame really as he is mostly very well behaved and kind

OP posts:

Realitybitesyourbum · 10/05/2016 16:31

6 in the last two weeks! Blimey,that's a lot! He doesn't see them as a treat, rather than a regular thing. Cut down the amount. Are you ever at home?!

corythatwas · 10/05/2016 16:42

Dd's behaviour was still a bit unpredictable at 6, but I never had any qualms about lobbing over shoulders- the advantage at that age is that it has great embarrassment potential.

derektheladyhamster · 10/05/2016 16:45

DS 1 did this (probably up to age 8)
DS 2 never did.

I was a lot less strict with DS 2

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 10/05/2016 17:03

Here 6 is the age by which parents don't really go into the host's house... do you go in to pick him up?

I'd give him a very no nonsense talking to before dropping him off to the next one (you play up leaving, all playdates are off til after half term - and stick to that if he does play up). Tell him you will ring the bell and when told you ate there he will say goodbye and thank you politely and get his shoes on and leave. Don't go in if you can help it, and if it would be rude not to go in certainly don't settle down!

Original poster

justforthisonce · 10/05/2016 17:09

I've been poorly for six months so play dates have been more of an essential part of child care, he wouldn't normally have that many

OP posts:

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 10/05/2016 17:18

Oh that's a bit awkward as he has you over a bit of a barrel (unless you are now well?)

Consequence will have to be something else, but make sure it is something that really hits home (in all honesty ours is straight to bed via the kitchen to eat a banana and take a bottle of water with you at 5:30pm or whenever we get home - only had to do it once) and carry it through no matter what if he plays up again.

By 8 I expect my DC to take responsibility to wear a watch or check the time on a wall clock and be able to be relied on to bring themselves home (from playing at the houses of friends in our village, which is where they play most of the time) at a pre arranged time, and am not best pleased if I have to WhatsAp the mum and ask them to chuck my kid out and send him or her home, so absolutely would not tolerate this kind of preschooler behaviour from an 8 year old (unless there are relevant SN or some mitigating circumstance of course, goes without saying).

vladthedisorganised · 10/05/2016 17:36

Happens a lot at this age I think.

The 'countdown' works well for me; I might get a 'five minutes?' or a bit of a whinge but that's about it, and usually manage to quell it with a vague bribe or at least a reason why we have to leave then and there ('Dad/ the hamster will wonder where you are!).

One of DD's friends refuses to leave a playdate without borrowing one or more of the host child's toys, which gets wearing - we've had several younger ones round that won't leave without a 'present' which is really weird IMO.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 10/05/2016 18:00

vlad one of DC3 ' s friends did that "I'll only go if I can take this toy with me" and his mum just looked helpless and said that's what his cousins do... Erm - no.

Child has since shown his true colours as a bit of an unpleasant bully at Kindergarten (would be reception age in the uk) ...

MoonHare · 10/05/2016 18:04

Used to have this problem with my Dd who is now 7 but fixed at around 6 yrs old after speaking to her before each play date - if you cause trouble leaving I will not allow you to go there again. Still remind her beforehand each time and she is vastly improved. A quick stern reminder does the trick of putting a stop if she ever starts to go there these days.

LexieSinclair · 10/05/2016 18:09

I agree with Avebury, mine have played up on these occasions but after a couple of bollockings and stern warnings that if they carry on like that again they won't be going back, they're fine.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 10/05/2016 18:19

Actually though OP maybe you being ill is a mitigating circumstance ...

Is he playing up because you haven't addressed this with him, or because he is actually a bit stressed out about you being ill?

If its something he could be worrying about I would go easy on the really strict consequences (as I said I think it is not on at 6 and something that needs cracking down on before he gets any older or bigger but if there could be more at play than just pushing the boundaries the same advice to really crack down might be a bit much...

Still talk before hand and consequences if he does play up, but perhaps rather lighter consequences and a bit of understanding if you think your illness might have him on a bit of an emotional rollorcoaster.

NynaevesSister · 10/05/2016 18:27

We did a countdown but around 6/7 he got exceptionally bad. I think boys have a testosterone burst at this age. It was all very stressful. So like the others he was 'grounded' for a week. We went straight home from school - no playing in the playground with friends and no going to the park. And no going to play at anyone else's house.

It was hard to deny him the company - there is a big age gap between him and the other kids.

But he really felt it and behaved himself. For a while. The next time he did it, no hesitation, he was grounded again. And we've not had a problem since.

applejack18 · 10/05/2016 18:35

Also chocolate bribe. Except it was for my 4 year old. I took 2 small packs of buttons to pick up today and got there a touch earlier to factor in faffing and getting cardigan and socks back on, as well as toilet break, as we were driving on to get older sister from school. The bribe worked great. I brought 2 packs so one was a goodbye/thank you present to the host friend (I whispered to the host mum on arrival of my plan to check it was ok) and I said you can both have the buttons when shoes are on ready to leave and say goodbye at front door. My dd was excited to give her friend the buttons at the end. I know choc isn't ideal or everyone's answer but it meant the pick up went smoothly. And that's what I'm after. Pick your battles! I appreciate the op situation is an older child.

AnnaMarlowe · 10/05/2016 18:38

What will happen is that he will stop being invited, no one wants that in their house.

Having been in the other side of this coin, it is extremely frustrating to watch a mother dither about hand ringing and counting down while the child tantrums. Just pick them up and leave.

Sorry to be harsh, especially if you've not been well but you need to put a stop to this. Threatening him with no play dates isn't "too much pressure" it's an appropriate consequence.

Floggingmolly · 10/05/2016 18:39

Seriously, op... You thinking that giving a consequence is too much "pressure" for your 6 year old is the whole most of the reason he's still behaving that way.

Winterdaisy · 10/05/2016 18:44

Mine is ok but his best friend is like your DS he hides under beds etc. He comes out eventually but very irritating for his mum who usually has had a long day and had his brother in the car waiting. If it's any consolation it's normal over excited small boy behavior. Good luck X

Imaginosity · 10/05/2016 18:51

Some children act like this and some don't- sometimes it's down to personality.

Some people assume it's their superior parenting that has their children behaving well- maybe so - or maybe their children just happen to have more compliant personalities.

I have two stubborn children - I am strict and follow through with consequences. This works to some extent but often they get too much of a kick out of getting up to mischief that they're prepared to risk the punishment.

Sometimes promising something to entice them our works like a cartoon when they go home, Better that than having to battle with them, feeling embarrassed at their behaviour .

CheekyGit · 10/05/2016 18:52

yep we have had this too.

AnnaMarlowe · 10/05/2016 19:11

Imaginosity I love it when people tell me that I'm so 'lucky' to have well behaved children and that it's because my children have compliant personalities while their's are 'spirited'.

My children behave well because I have worked bloody hard to make sure that they do. Neither of them have 'compliant' personalities. We've had to be really, really really strict because both of them are incredibly strong willed like their mother and stubborn like their father.

I completely agree that some children are naturally compliant whereas others are naturally more challenging. But please don't make the mistake of assuming that all the well behaved children are the result of temperament rather than years of hard work and consistency by their parents because quite frankly it's rather insulting.

Floggingmolly · 10/05/2016 19:13

Amen, Anna.

BertieBotts · 10/05/2016 19:17

DS is the same and any time his friends come over they are all the same. I remember as a child hiding and hoping that the parents might stop for a cup of tea. Sometimes they do! I'm quite happy (usually) to offer the parent tea/coffee at pick up as it gives us a chance to catch up and often it helps the ending go smoother too.

Juanbablo · 10/05/2016 19:19

My children say "ohhhhh, I don't want to go hoooome" but then they get ready and we leave. However we have had many children play up when it's time to leave our house so it isn't unusual behaviour. If my children did that I would tell them they wouldn't be allowed to go on play dates until they could assure me they would leave sensibly and if it happened again it would be a significant amount of time before they were allowed another chance.

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