I tried too swallow my pride...

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

Yesterday I posted how I acted a bit of a twat in the heat of the moment in regards to my wedding. My sister had originally agreed to attend my wedding by herself , and her partner and baby and children will arrive at the end for photos [my sister asked for this as she likes the view at the venue] then all go to the party. Her partner had a controlling bitch fit and she pulled out of the ceremony but agreed to the party , I being a Mard arse told her you don't come to the wedding no party. So that's my old post in a shortened version.

I texted her today to apologise on my twattish behaviour and of course she can still attend all parts of the wedding like how the original plan was. I explained how nobody else's partner was there and it will literally be 40 minutes and if leaving baby is her problem she can bring baby as they don't count as a person as they'd be on somebody's lap [shes not allowed to take baby anywhere without him anyways so I knew this wasn't her problem] and no hard feelings if she doesn't attend the ceremony but it would break my heart if she didn't.

Her response was basically [I'm not sure it was her]
I should of considered her partner when I booked the room because he wants to attend desperately and I was out of order not to make room for him when we opted for the smaller room. She no longer is a single person and doesn't do activities by herself anymore where she goes he goes. So unless I can remove someone from the wedding to make room for him she will not be attending the ceremony. And if I want her to attend the party I must apologise to HIM and mean it as ive "upset him greatly"

I honestly tried , but I don't know where to go from here. In my opinion it wasn't my sister who sent that text but she'll know what his stipulations are for her agreeing to the party. Seeing as you all snapped me out of being a prat yesterday I was wondering What do I do now?

please read my previous thread before making hasty comments. I explained the situation multiple times

[Charlesroi]

X-post. Sorry

[ImperialBlether]

Bloody hell, he's with her 24/7, like a guard dog? Her life must be hell. At the same time, I don't think you should invite him. He sounds absolutely awful.

In your sister's previous relationships with deadbeats, what caused the end of those relationships?

[OTheHugeManatee]

Alternatively, you could call him and see if he will see reason? Sometimes people act like dicks when they are afraid they are being sidelined.

[gamerchick]

Personally id uninvite him completely. He's going to fuck up your reception. But I don't give a toss about fallout or tense family relations.

If you stick to your guns and she doesn't attend because of him she'll remember it on a subconscious level when she's ready to give him the push

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

She no longer is a single person and doesn't do activities by herself anymore - where she goes he goes

She may not be a "single person" anymore but she is still a sister, a daughter, a mother, and she is still allowed to be a person in her own right.

If she - as your sister - chooses not to come to your wedding under these circumstances, I think she'd be making a pretty poor show as a sibling - but that's just my opinion. Your former bonds and allegiances don't cease to have any meaning just because you've formed a new one with a partner.

[Barmaid101]

Call women's aid for advice on how to support her.
Call her even with him in the background, say you have one last dress fitting and would love for her to be there. That he would struggle to find a reason to come along to that, that could be a good time to chat with her without him listening/ interfering.

[QueenofallIsee]

You have done your best to compromise - you really cannot be expected to do more. Tell her how sad you are that she will not meet you half way and get stuck into planning and looking forward to your wedding

DO NOT GIVE IN TO THAT BELLEND. He is a mahoosive fuckwit clearly

[fuzzywuzzy]

Sounds like he now thinks he has control over you and thinks he can force you to get him a place at your wedding ceremony. He's a nasty little man isn't he?

Agree with pp, shootingstars email leaves the door open for your sister when she hopefully sees sense and leaves him.

[OliviaBenson]

I would stand firm op, but please do keep trying with your sister. People like him isolate others from friends and family, please try to keep in contact as much as you can.

[DinosaursRoar]

Send shootingStar's text.

Then speak to your Mum and other family - explain what's happened that your "sister" expects you to uninvite one of DH's siblings to make space for her boyfriend, thinking that for you as a couple, a partner of a sibling should have higher priority than a sibling and of course you have had to say no. But then also discuss with your mum that you think he's deliberately trying to isolate her from her family and that he's controlling.

[CozImQuirky]

It sounds like he is deliberately creating friction between you and your sister, playing the injured party as you won't make space for him and he 'really wants to be there'.

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

imperial two previous partners each a father to my eldest nieces. Both relationships were controlling on both sides just straight up volatile relationships. This ones different though , she doesn't have a say in anything.

I think my best option is just to text what's been said in here , othehuge I'd like to think he could be reasoned with but he'd probably get a kick out of me ringing up begging to let him let my sister attend

[NeededANameChangeAnyway]

I like the dress fitting idea or some sort of mini hen night/afternoon thing - even the most monumental twat wouldn't think they could get away with coming to something like that and then speak to her alone. Maybe get your mum along too if that might help?

[mummyto2monkeys]

I would message this,

' my venue can only accommodate ten witnesses , we have invited both sets of parents and siblings only to the ceremony. Your partner is not my sibling, therefore he can join the rest of our siblings partners at the celebration later. You are my sister and I love your dearly, however I will not be forced to prioritise your partner over our other siblings and frankly I am disappointed that you would expect us to do this. I honestly am shocked as you are not someone who is usually unreasonable . The partners of our other siblings are happy with this arrangement. It Is an intimate ceremony and we were so looking forward to sharing it with you. As i have said before I am more than happy for you to bring the baby. I would never try to separate you from your new born.'

Op have you thought about a symbolic ceremony at the start of your party? Perhaps a hand fasting, or sharing of vows where other guests can witness your joining together. Your nieces could wear little bridesmaid dresses and the partners can join your siblings and feel included. Is this an option?

I am actually very concerned for your sister. It is not ok that she is only allowed to go places with her dh. What on earth is he afraid of? It's like he is frightened that during a forty minute ceremony she will tell you all how abusive he is, and you will steal her away from him. I have been married for ten years and with my dh for thirteen years, I would be so touched if my brother asked me to be part of such an intimate ceremony .

[LupoLounger]

You have my full respect. You did what I would have considered 'the right thing' and swallowed your pride. It now appears the DP (via the phone of your DS) is trying to 'kick a dog when it's down'.

IMO you can't back down now. They've made it impossible for you to do so. I know if I had such an individual at my ceremony, it would feel like a shadow in the room.

If you can stomach him at the party, you're a better soul than me.

Best of luck, however it goes. Wish I has some useful advice towards getting you to a nice resolution.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

My worry, is that he will use this as an excuse to make your sister distance herself from the rest of the family. It's already got to the point where she (or he) has expressed that as she is no longer single she never goes anywhere without him, so he may be playing this up to get a rise out of you.

Bloody scary.

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

Doubt the dress fitting idea would work ive already got my dress and she didn't want to be bridesmaid when we made plans because she would of just gave birth a and wouldn't have enough time to get in shape which is understandable. The hen do idea could work

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Your sister doesn't half pick them.

You've done your best, send shootingstars text and make sure she knows you're there for her but will not facilitate her partners controlling fuckhead behaviours.

[Gazelda]

Do you have a cousin or SIL who can arrange a mini-hen? Or your mum? Don't do the inviting yourself, he'll suss that from a mile off.

But if someone a bit detached could do the inviting, he'd hopefully think twice about causing a row with another relative-in-law in such a short space of time.
Even if it's just afternoon tea at someone's home, I think it'd be a good way to show your DSis she's still loved, even if it's not the right time to bring up the controlling nature of her relationship (don't let her feel ambushed).

OP, after all of this, you deserve a bloody brilliant wedding!

[LagunaBubbles]

Oh dear Kungfu, sadly it does look as if the suspicions regarding him and control are accurate. You cant do anything else, you have apologised and this is all you can do. The line She no longer is a single person and doesn't do activities by herself anymore where she goes he goes is very worrying - it is not the same as someone like myself who is more than capable of socialising without my DH but just choose not to as I dont want to. That sounds like its coming straight from him. But your sister is a grown adult, she can choose to put up with this or choose to do something about it. It must be so hurtful if you think shes going to prioritise this man over coming to your wedding.

[SurlyValentine]

You really think he's going to let her go on your hen do? I hope I'm wrong but it sounds as though he's got your DSis on a short enough leash that if he said "you're not going", she wouldn't go.

Please do not apologise to him in any way, shape or form. Don't use the word "sorry" or "apologise" in any of your messages, as this is what he will focus on and he will twist it to try and show that it is you who are in the wrong.

Be strong and don't back down. He doesn't deserve special treatment, and there is absolutely no way he is more deserving of a place at your wedding ceremony than any of your or your DH-to-be's other siblings' spouses/partners.

Really hope this works out for you and your DSis.

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

I was thinking of staging a fake hen/stag party kinda thing. Mine having a girly afternoon at my mums takeaway/movies/junk food that way the children can come and my partner invite him to his "stag do" for a few drinks down the local at the same time mines happening. Or would he smell a rat a mile off? Other than that idea I'm at a loss

[SurlyValentine]

Who knows whether he would smell a rat? It's definitely worth a shot, but bearing in mind his stance of "where you and baby go, I go" I'm not sure it will come off, unless he would prioritise your DP's stag do above his own twattish tendencies.

[mummyto2monkeys]

Would your sister be open to a girly spa day ? Would your Mum watch the dc and you and dsis could get your nails done/ spray tan / or you could even get her a postnatal pampering package, facial/ massage/ nails, you could offer to hold your niece/ nephew whilst she has it done. This refusing to go anywhere without her dp is coming from her dp. She may even have been manipulated into thinking that you are unreasonable. If you do something kind and that is clearly a female only activity, then he will be made to look unreasonable. This may even give you an opportunity to voice your concerns. Your sister has been in controlling relationships before and came out the other side, hopefully you can help her get out of this one safely

[BoatyMcBoat]

Or you could send a stronger reply.

Don't be so ridiculous! You are not joined at the hip. All of our other siblings are managing to leave their partners behind during the ceremony, without the world ending! Of course you bring the baby, that's a whole different ball game, but leaving out dh's actual siblings to accommodate your new partner's wishes is a ludicrous idea. Hope you both come to your senses soon. We would love you to be there, and your partner and your children to join us later just like everybody else's partners and children will.