I tried too swallow my pride...

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

Yesterday I posted how I acted a bit of a twat in the heat of the moment in regards to my wedding. My sister had originally agreed to attend my wedding by herself , and her partner and baby and children will arrive at the end for photos [my sister asked for this as she likes the view at the venue] then all go to the party. Her partner had a controlling bitch fit and she pulled out of the ceremony but agreed to the party , I being a Mard arse told her you don't come to the wedding no party. So that's my old post in a shortened version.

I texted her today to apologise on my twattish behaviour and of course she can still attend all parts of the wedding like how the original plan was. I explained how nobody else's partner was there and it will literally be 40 minutes and if leaving baby is her problem she can bring baby as they don't count as a person as they'd be on somebody's lap [shes not allowed to take baby anywhere without him anyways so I knew this wasn't her problem] and no hard feelings if she doesn't attend the ceremony but it would break my heart if she didn't.

Her response was basically [I'm not sure it was her]
I should of considered her partner when I booked the room because he wants to attend desperately and I was out of order not to make room for him when we opted for the smaller room. She no longer is a single person and doesn't do activities by herself anymore where she goes he goes. So unless I can remove someone from the wedding to make room for him she will not be attending the ceremony. And if I want her to attend the party I must apologise to HIM and mean it as ive "upset him greatly"

I honestly tried , but I don't know where to go from here. In my opinion it wasn't my sister who sent that text but she'll know what his stipulations are for her agreeing to the party. Seeing as you all snapped me out of being a prat yesterday I was wondering What do I do now?

please read my previous thread before making hasty comments. I explained the situation multiple times

[A11TheSmallTh1ngs]

Ugh, her partner is such a shit bag. He wants to attend "desperately"? Really? Cunt.

[cjt110]

I would just leave them being the silly selfish twats they are. Get on with your wedding day and have a fabulous time. And just remember, she put her husband and his fee;lings before yours.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Shootingstar's text is good.

[FudgeCat91]

"Sorry to hear that [x] is so upset. Love to still have you + baby at the wedding and/or all of you at the party. Hope to see you there. Love OP"

This.

He is not more important than your OH's siblings. How would she feel if you uninvited her to the ceremony to incorporate your OH's Siblings partner?

[Fluffycloudland77]

Withdraw her invite for the day. If you don't & he's there he will go out of his way to spoil your wedding.

You can't do wedding days twice.

People will be upset but the people who were upset we didn't invite their adult children to our wedding have been seen by us once since then. Their disapproval doesn't matter.

We had a brilliant wedding day.

[theredjellybean]

I cannot imagine anyone being 'desperate' to see a practical stranger exchange vows...the party yes...who doesn't love a good party but the ceremony bit is a bit well dull unless it is your own child or maybe very close friends.

Your sister sounds as if she is in a coercive relationship and that is worrying but bottom line this is YOUR wedding not hers or his or anyone elses.

You get to choose who is at what bit, no one else.

You have invited your sister to ceremony and the whole lot to the party, in my opinion she either accepts or declines invites, its not up for negotiation.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

I read your thread yesterday.

That text certainly reads as if he composed it. I would be very careful not to say anything remotely bad about him to her (especially in text form).

I would text back something like shootingstar suggests.

[Gazelda]

"I'm sad that you won't be at the ceremony, but respect your decision. The invite remains if you change your mind. Either way, can you and I meet up in the next few weeks? I'm missing our sisterly closeness xx"

And then get on with enjoying the build up to your wedding. It's a special time, don't let his issues spoil anything.

[Notonthestairs]

Yes shootingstars text is good.
I read your thread yesterday. He's trying to make the day about him when it really, really isn't. I'm sure it's very worrying that he's trying to divide you and your sister but right now I'm not sure you can do anything else without potentially pushing her further away.

[ElinoristhenewEnid]

just a question - does your dsis's dp work? - he seems to have a lot of time if he goes out every time with your dsis and baby and free for an afternoon wedding.
Must be suffocating for her if he is at home all the time.

[t4gnut]

She's being an arse. You've been reasonable. Out of your hands now, don't worry about it.

[NightWanderer]

I dont think you need to start justifying or explaining yourself. You have already done that. Stick to one of the short sorry to hear that but hope you and the baby can attend texts that have been suggested. Dont get drawn into an arguement.

[TheWordOfBagheera]

He doesn't desperately want to attend.

He desperately wants to make sure she doesn't attend without him in case her family open her eyes to his controlling ways.

[AcrossthePond55]

You've done your best. Now let it go and stick with your original plan. She's obvs in a relationship with a very controlling man, one who is either trying to control you (and eventually the rest of the family) or alienate her from you (most likely). FFS, what man is 'desperately hurt' to the point he is 'greatly upset' because he doesn't get to attend a wedding ceremony (unless for his own dear friend, child, or such)?! Ridiculous!

I'd just reply very simply that you will miss her but that you will not be 'uninviting' one of your siblings or parents so that her partner can attend. Don't be confrontational or slag the arsehole off. She's going to need you at some point to get the hell out of that horrible relationship.

[NeededANameChangeAnyway]

Phone her! Pick a time when he isn't going to be there and speak to her. If he's sending texts from her phone he's probably reading them too and even deleting them - she might not even have seen your apology text. Take the ambiguity out of things - speak to her, apologise again and reiterate that she and the baby are more than welcome but there just isn't room for him and that he can fwhistle if he thinks he's coming to the party too but he is welcome at the party. Don't let this guy drive a wedge between you both, it sounds like he is trying his hardest to isolate her.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Phone her - try and do it at a time when ControllingTwat is unlikely to be there.

I also doubt she wrote the text. You need to speak to her.

[WriteforFun1]

I read that original post.

tbh it sounds to me like either she's lost her mind or in an abusive relationship. I know some people do want to live in each other's pockets but she can't throw all the toys out of the pram because you don't want him at your wedding.

you need to sit down in person and have a chat with her. Is that possible?

[Penfold007]

Accept her decision not to attend the ceremony and reassure her (them) that they are still welcome at the party.
No spouses or partners are invited so you either stick with your plan or get a bigger venue and invite all partners. A bigger room may not be possible at this stage.

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

He got made "redundant" and is holding of on the job search too watch the baby grow for a bit it's hard to get her on the phone he's her personal receptionist when it comes to the phone. He was always there in the background with phone calls but now you can't speak to her unless you go through him. And she doesn't go too my mums unless he's there so not like I could contact her this way. Text is my only option.

Just to clarify she expected me to oust my DP siblings for him.

[CheeseCake2016]

I think you have done all you can. Concentrate on enjoying your wedding and be ready to support your sister when she needs it .

[BoatyMcBoat]

Those are his rules. She's not getting a choice in it.

Do you think that if you figuratively shrug your shoulders and accept that she won't be there, it will make her sit up and take action (ie, LTB)? If so, then stick to your guns, don't capitulate.

Something has to make her realise that what he is doing isn't normal, and furthermore, not acceptable.

Maybe you could reply "sorry, but I am not a single person either, and nor are many of the people I know. They do not always go everywhere - even social occasions - together. I'm afraid that on this occasion, for reasons you are well aware of, your dp and children welcome to join us all for the party. This is the same for everyone. I would love you to be there, but if you cannot then so be it."

[Charlesroi]

I agree with everyone else. I think he composed that text and you should send shootingstars response.

Is there any time when he isn't around? Could you call sis and take her and baby out for lunch and a chat? Just so she knows you're on her side - he's probably calling you all the buggers under the sun because you won't be controlled by 'embrace' him.

[badtime]

I was actually half contemplating sending an apology text thinking that would be the end of it

OP, you know that wouldn't be the end of it. That would be an invitation for him to dick you around more. The only way to deal with people like that is to maintain your boundaries.

[ElinoristhenewEnid]

Thanks kungfu - suspected as much - hope he is not shaping up as a standard controlling 'cocklodger' (love that mn term)

I really feel sorry for your dsis but agree with everyone else that you have to stick to the original plan -- another vote for shootingstar's text - acknowledging but not condoning or condemning his behaviour

[TendonQueen]

Send the shootingstars text. Best you can do.