AIBU to be a bit shell-shocked

[JSlondon]

My mum died two months ago and things are obviously pretty hard at the moment. My parents were together for nearly fifty years. Shortly after she died, a woman my dad went out with briefly before he met my mum got in contact with him, having heard the news of my mum's death through a mutual acquaintance. She's called/emailed a few times to see how he's doing. She lives in New York and is now coming to visit my dad for a week and stay with him sometime next month. She is widowed. Does this seem a bit fucking weird and inappropriate? And very bloody SOON?

How soon is soon enough for you exactly? Before the signature on the death certificate has dried? During the funeral? Is there any point you would feel it was inappropriate?

It takes a while to process grief. Are you saying 50 years can be processed in 2 months? There's nothing to say their marriage was any of the things you described.

He is likely emotionally all over the place. He may not be making the best decisions but this woman is indecent to think she can rock up and stay in his house for 2 weeks. If he wasn't ready to go to NY then she should have realised that he probably isn't ready to have a random woman in his house. WHILE his children are still grieving. She should have left the invitation open and said come over some other time when you're up for it.

Clandestino I don't think anyone's saying bereaved spouses should be forced to be lonely forever. I think most people are saying they'd love their parents to find someone to be happy with - but that they'd also like them to participate in some form of family mourning during the initial period of shock. Not forcing your grieving children to embrace a total stranger (and their entourage) into the family directly after a major bereavement is really all people are asking.

If my FIL could have held off shacking up with someone new for just 2 or 3 weeks after the funeral, that would have been great. But he was off before his wife was buried. And when his children expressed some concern and hurt at the swiftness of it all, he simply cut them off. To the extent that he didn't even send us a condolence card when our daughter died. This is not a way he would have behaved when my MIL was alive - so for ages we tried to work out whether (a) his utter lack of empathy or concern must have been concealed by his wife for 40 years (b) the shock of her death had done something psychologically terrible to him and he needed to be protected and supported by people who had loved him all their lives (c) he had some form of dementia, in which case he also needed the support of people who knew him well and loved him unconditionally, not some random person he'd only just met. It was all very upsetting and worrying.

As time went by it became clear he's just extremely malleable, with no opinions or allegiances or strong emotions of his own. He had taken on the characteristics of my MIL when she was alive, and now he's morphed completely into his new wife. He needs a 'host organism' or he can't exist - which explains why he had to find someone so quickly. But it also means the father my dh knew is gone. Luckily he seems in good health. But there is always a niggle at the back of our minds - will his wife tell us if he's ill and needs care? Will she let us see him, and help him? His children still love him.

That was all to say (longwindedly) that you're also concerned about your bereaved parent when right after a massive loss they become involved with someone you don't know you can trust. Your parent is vulnerable too (as you recognise when you say they've had the bigger loss!).

My dad died last year very suddenly. A few months later I became convinced my mum was 'seeing' a new man (as it turns out, I had totally misread the things that led me to think that) and it felt so fucking weird and awful. I didn't say anything to mum as didn't want to meddle/judge etc, but it was really a massive internal struggle and didn't feel good.

So I sympathise totally OP, while agreeing with general spirit of you having to try to remain non-judgemental about it outwardly.

As time went by it became clear he's just extremely malleable, with no opinions or allegiances or strong emotions of his own. He had taken on the characteristics of my MIL when she was alive, and now he's morphed completely into his new wife. He needs a 'host organism' or he can't exist - which explains why he had to find someone so quickly. But it also means the father my dh knew is gone. Luckily he seems in good health. But there is always a niggle at the back of our minds - will his wife tell us if he's ill and needs care? Will she let us see him, and help him? His children still love him.

I know. But you see, we need to treat our parents like they treat their children. One day the child you loved, changed their nappies, taught to cycle, brought to school will leave the house. And they will make good decisions and they will make bad decisions. And the same goes for your parents. Us, children, left the house. They are there on their own. And will make good decisions and they will make bad decisions. We shouldn't interfere unless we believe the parent is too old to take care of themselves. I think we somehow believe that our parents will always be there for us like it was when we were children and that they owe us to preserve the status quo.

you're inferring a lot there. No one has said they expect their parents to preserve the status quo. Just be considerate while the grieving is raw.

I don't think it is the children who are selfish when they are upset over their surviving parent meeting someone after two months.

I think it's pretty selfish to meet someone after two months and expect the family to not be upset by it. I never understood that about my children's step mother. She met someone and fell in love, good for her but did it have to be announced so soon when his children, siblings and parents were still in the raw stages of grief? Hey, your young father and son is dead but look, new man, be happy for me, it was what he would want! No, he really wouldn't have wanted to see his children and parents more hurt so soon no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

Obviously it's still a sore spot for me on my children's behalf. Even though I am now genuinely happy that she is happy and I know it wasn't her aim to upset anyone. She grabbed happiness with both hands which is understandable but no easier to deal with.

If you make the decision to date again while people are still in the first stages of grief then that is your decision but you can't expect it not to be hurtful and that people will be able to be happy for you. The first few months after a death are horrible as it is, throwing in another person into the mix in most cases isn't going to go down well when people are flitting between sadness and the anger stages of grief and when they want to grieve as a family.

There is no right time to meet someone else for sure and everyone has a right to happiness but if it is only two months after then you are expecting a hell of a lot for people to not be hurt by it.

BipBippadotta

"If my FIL could have held off shacking up with someone new for just 2 or 3 weeks after the funeral, that would have been great. But he was off before his wife was buried. And when his children expressed some concern and hurt at the swiftness of it all, he simply cut them off. To the extent that he didn't even send us a condolence card when our daughter died."

That is just awful. So sorry.

Some terrible stories on here.

Thanks, Kidnapped.

U2 you put it very well - you can't tell a grown adult what to do with their love life, but nor can that grown adult dictate how others feel about their choices. It's about trying to understand and respect other people's experience.

It's worth noting there are quite a few examples on here of people whose parents have established new relationships soon after a bereavement and it's worked out fine - because they talked to their children about it, respected their children's right to grieve, were able to reassure them that they were not being taken advantage of, and were respectful to the memory of their spouse. They also understood that it would be difficult and take time for a new partner to be accepted, and that family members may not want to meet them for a little bit.

That's miles away from the 'fuck you, I'm happy!' approach taken by many.

The 'fuck you I'm happy' approach was what my father used, especially when his GF started the tearful dramas because my brother and I were shocked that they wanted to go on holiday together 6 weeks after my mother died.

We tried our hardest to be happy for my father but his attitude towards it all soon got our backs up. There was no thought for anyone else. He even told me that he'd wished he'd met his GF 20 years earlier, that they were 'soulmates'. I can't describe the physical hurt that caused. I honestly felt like dying inside, all I could think about was my poor mother and what would she be thinking. I still wonder whether my mothers death caused my father some sort of mental problem. I still wonder whether he'll wake up one day and realise what he's done.

That's really tough. There are some truly heartbreaking stories on here. I guess it's harder when things happen so quickly as you don't get a chance to start to heal or process one shock before another one hits.

I spent most of the night sobbing even though it was resolved. I think I'm just full to the brim with a new baby and a toddler, with so little time to process my mum's death and grieve the way I need to that it's not taking much to tip me over the edge. I also feel that we're not grieving together properly as a family. I tried to talk frankly to my dad today and it escalated into a row. We managed to talk again later and have hopefully made some headway. We've got a long road ahead.

I understand. My mum died a year ago, mum and dad were very happily married for 51 years. He is still on his own but keeps talking about moving on and mentioning women in conversation. I know my mum would have stayed on her own had it been her. I expect he will find a companion and I'm fine with that. Nobody knows what it's like apart from him, to wake up alone and have nobody special to share things with after all that time in a marriage. At the moment though OP it sounds platonic so wait and see.