AIBU to be a bit shell-shocked

[JSlondon]

My mum died two months ago and things are obviously pretty hard at the moment. My parents were together for nearly fifty years. Shortly after she died, a woman my dad went out with briefly before he met my mum got in contact with him, having heard the news of my mum's death through a mutual acquaintance. She's called/emailed a few times to see how he's doing. She lives in New York and is now coming to visit my dad for a week and stay with him sometime next month. She is widowed. Does this seem a bit fucking weird and inappropriate? And very bloody SOON?

Perhaps it is sexist, cory, except I genuinely don't know of any bereaved wives who move a new man in within days of their husband passing, whereas I know any number of men who have done the same.

I can't believe someone claims they would be encouraging their husband to move someone in I hope that was a joke, and if not, I hope your children have been prepared that in the event of the death of their mother they'll probably have to adapt to a stepmother at some point in the following three months.

I was widowed in December 2015. I lived in a bottle for 2 months until a relative started making me go out at the weekend. I had no interest in meeting anyone and thought id be alone for the rest of my life. I was happy with that. Then i met a wonderful man and we have been together since the beginning of February.
Some of my family have judged me and we no longer speak but i am happy again. I never thought i would be.
Until you lose your spouse/partner its hard to know how you will feel. I loved my husband completely. He was my best friend for 22 years, we were together for 10 years and i never thought id love again.
Yanbu for feeling as you do but then neither is your dad BU for feeling as he may.

I'm surprised how common this seems to be as my dad did the same! Four weeks after my mum's death he was sleeping with another woman who lived round the corner from us. My dad still, 15 years later, has never once considered that anyone other than him suffered when she died. He has never asked me what effect her death had on me or even appeared to care. He essentially moved in with this woman, was always staying there overnight and I was left at home on my own and expected to keep the house in order for him. I was eighteen at the time and had been my mum's full time carer for some time before that as my dad "couldn't cope" so I stayed at home with her and failed all my A-Levels as a result while he went to work every day as normal. That first relationship didn't last long, he's had a whole string of women since, some he moved into the house, others didn't get that far. I know that underneath it all it's because he's lonely but that doesn't make it any easier to watch and I get very frustrated with his need to force every new woman upon me and my family with orchestrated meals out and his expectation that they should be welcomed and accepted with open arms. Some of them have, to be fair, been lovely but none hang around long as they generally find my dad's need to pretend to be happy families too much as well. The most recent one has just dumped him because he decided he wanted to move to Wales and couldn't understand why, after six months together, she wouldn't want to give up her home, business (she's self employed with a local, long established client base) and independence to be a kept woman in a house of his choosing 300 miles from her friends and family!

It happened to me. My mother died 18 months ago and two days later I popped down my dads to find a woman sat in my mothers chair. I was introduced to her and told she was a friend of the family. I thought no more about it until two weeks later when my father said he was going out for a drink with her. It was like a knife in my guts but I said nothing as my father reassured me that she was just 'company' as her husband had not long died too.

Fast forward a few weeks and they were inseparable. My father pulled himself away from my siblings and I, stopped answering the phone and whenever we visited she would be there. I expressed my concern at the speed of things to my father and he told her and BOOM! she kicked off big style. Created a huge tearful drama of a break up with my father over us 'kids' interfering, my father found himself stuck in the middle and needing to keep the peace so we were told to mind our own business. I was so, so upset, along with my siblings. We challenged him that yes, it had all been too quick and we weren't being given the chance to grieve as a family - he cut us all out.

This conniving, scheming woman has got what she wanted from the start, all the 'kids' off the scene so she can manipulate my father and the situation to her liking. She has moved in to my fathers house, cleared every single item of my mothers out, changed everything that she possibly can and spent a fortune of my fathers money in the process.

And he's gone along with it all as he's besotted. Absolutely heartbreaking. You lose one parent then end up losing the both.

I'll add my father expected us all to welcome her with open arms too and fully expected us to make her part of the family immediately. We didn't know this woman from Adam! It turns out she's a horrible, lazy piece of work who expects my father to wait on her hand, foot and finger (as he had to with my mum because she was ill) so I hope he's comfortable with the bed he's made for himself.

Supposedtobeworking, that sounds eerily similar to what happened to me too, although it was just before I did my GCSEs.

It was frightening to suddenly be left without a parent, but yes, as you say, it's incredibly common.

Sorry for your loss, OP - Bip, that's so horrible for your DH.

I agree that it happens a lot - about a week after my Mum died, my Dad suddenly found several random women appearing at his door to 'see how he was'.
I found him hiding behind the hedge in an attempt to avoid one particularly persistent one - while he was flattered by the attention he also found it fairly baffling. None of the women would manage so much as a hello to me or acknowledge DD's existence: I wouldn't have minded so much if they hadn't treated me like an unexploded bomb!

However, I can't agree about the motives of 'predatory women' mentioned upthread, as my grandmother - who was a very independent sort - ended up with my grandfather about six months after his first wife died. She sent him a condolence message because she liked him a lot and was worried about him - they spent more time together after that, got on well and were married quite quickly. She took on 2 year old twins, so it was hardly an 'easy option' for her; they had a very happy marriage by all accounts and my uncles loved her very much.

Bewildered

"You lose one parent then end up losing them both".

Yes, that's what happened when our aunt died in her late 50s. Our cousins were devastated of course but their dad was living with someone else 2 months later. They used to see their mum and dad at least twice per week, go on holiday together etc. Now they see their dad maybe once every 4 months (and that's only if the new woman is invited along, he won't see his children on his own).

My cousins feel like their dad abandoned them very quickly when their mum died. And they have effectively lost two parents at once. It is a very sad situation. And really common it seems.

Do you know that this is a romantic visit? I say that because my Dad was approached by his first girlfriend from over 40 years ago, she came to meet him with her husband, it wasn't romantic at all. Tbh it was a relief as he isn't looking for a partner.

I think a lot of this is a generational thing, I would hope that our DH's/Partners are lot more able to run a home and cope alone than our aging parents who might have been married for 40 - 50+ years. I also hope that we have more friends around us? my Grandmother and parents have very few friends in their lives.

To you the timing is very painful, to your DF I suspect that he is in a bit of a bubble, I think our generation should be able to talk to our parents about being hurt, it might come as shock to your DF?

FWIW the predatory women normally are after money and a comfortable home, make sure that your Dad plays down any assets.

"You lose one parent then end up losing them both".

I don't agree that it should be like this because the effect of that is "your lose your spouse then end up losing your DC & DGC".

These "poor lonely men" are potentially putting their relationship with their DC's at stake by their behaviour.

My thought if I ever died:

I would come back and haunt the fucker if he stepped away from our daughter's grief and devastation and focused on his own wants.

Eventually by all means find someone else. But not at the expense of your relationship with your children. Look to each other for support because if your first reaction is to look to a new partner outside of the family for support (and not give your children the support they might need) then your relationship with your children is going to be irreparably damaged.

That also happened to me, kidnapped, and it has been incredibly damaging to me in terms of my adult relationships.

It's not just predatory women. Believe me, there are plenty of men out to get what they want. I had THREE men in two weeks, come onto me, six months after my dear husband died.
My sil's ex.
Our long term friend
And my husbands own fucking brother!

I think they watched me nurse my husband for two years and thought I'd make good wife material, as well as the advantage of me having my own home and business. I'm in my late 40s. Fucking pricks.

I was discussing this with a young widower recently and it would appear, to us, that older men do jump into relationships quicker. I think it's because, although my friend and I had very equal relationships with our partners, many older men are used to being looked after. If a woman has spent her life looking after the family and doing the lion's share of housekeeping, while also working, then she's better able to cope with the practical things in life. The man in that kind of relationship finds it a lot harder as they're used to being looked after. I'm still finding the practical side incredibly hard as my husband and I shared all the work and burdens.

I feel your pain - this is very similar to what has happened to DB and I after our DM passed away.

There have been lots of things which have thrown me (speed of clearing the house, getting rid of all pics of DM etc) and my friends have been surprised too, but the more threads like this I read I think that this is definitely not uncommon. I think there's something in what pp have said about it being a generational thing - my DF doesn't really know how to run a household in a comfortable way and is traditional in the sense that you should have a woman in your life.

It doesn't help you, but unfortunately I concur with pp that I feel like shortly after losing DM I lost DF too, as I rarely see him now (his ability to see me depends on his OH not having anything on - he hasn't seen me or DB by himself since they got together).

I agree that I think it's inappropriate, but I don't think it's weird (as in unusual) as it seems loads of people have stories like this!

Sorry for your loss x x

The 'woman as family caretaker' role is very strong, particularly in older generations, I think. If a family has the woman doing the majority of the childcare when the children were younger, and the woman takes the lead in maintaining the bonds as the children gets older (sends cards, presents, cooks for everyone, organises weekends away, organises family get-togethers, provides a shoulder to cry on, provides support with babysitting grandchildren etc.) then it can be very difficult when the woman is no longer there.

The glue has gone.

Chances are, your father is feeling very lonely after having been in a relationship for over 50 years.
You are BU for feeling it's weird and inappropriate. He's an adult and so are you and he doesn't have to answer to you. He's got the right to live as he wants and if the woman provides a bit of relief and company, then be happy for him.
If you really love him, just be there for him, show him he's important to you but don't stick your nose into his private life and don't judge. Chances are you have no idea how lonely and empty his life feels right now.

Yes, the OP hasn't lost anybody, has she?

Sorry to hear about your mum . My mum died getting on for a decade ago, and it is such a loss. She was lovely, and interesting, and endlessly fascinating to talk to. She lived long enough to see DS, but I really miss the chance to talk to her about motherhood. But one thing I remember in the aftermath of her death was a feeling (self-imposed - no one made me feel this way) that my grief had to take second place to my dad's because he'd lost his spouse of 46 years. I wonder if you could be feeling the same?

But one thing I really treasure the memory of how sane and sensible her advice could be. In particular (and relevant to your situation) I remember my mum talking to a college friend of mine about this - he was trying to come to terms with his father meeting a new partner a year after his wife had died (it had been a very happy marriage). My mum explained that these days it is relatively rare to be widowed (compared to how it was in her childhood - she lost her mother to an infectious disease which would be readily treatable with antibiotics these days), so our model for the end of relationships was break-up rather than death. And break-ups are traumatic and take a long time to heal from (she divorced her first husband, re-married 5 years later, my dad sometimes used to tease her gently that such was her fear of marriage from first time round that she'd looked more like a woman going to the dentist than going to be married). But with a happy marriage, being widowed is utterly hideous, but it doesn't leave you feeling that the whole business of partnership is tainted and dangerous - quite the reverse in fact. So in her childhood it was not uncommon for people who had been happy in their marriage to meet someone new and remarry relatively quickly.

Since then, I've seen this happen with a handful of friends, and to me it honestly does not seem disrespectful or wrong. However, I get where your feelings are coming from - it's very different when it's your own parent. My dad actually felt ready to form a relationship about 7 years after my mum's death, and even after that amount of time, it still felt really weird on an emotional level - I was happy for him, but at the same time felt "how could he forget mum?" and also, if I'm honest, felt slightly pushed to one side (I wasn't, of course, this is me saying how I felt). And those feelings must be massive when it's coming so very, very close to your mum's death. I'm not surprised you feel hurt and confused and shell-shocked. I wish I had a helpful suggestion as a quick fix, but I fear this may be one of those "keep buggering on" situations, where only time will help (in the sense of learning to live with the loss- the loss never goes away).

katemiddletonsnudeheels - If OP's parents have been together for 50 years, I assume the OP has been living on her own for years and has her own family.
In that situation, the loss is bad but she has someone to lean on. Her father may not.
We had a similar situation in my family. My FIL has lost his wife of 40 years after a long fight with cancer. Her death has hit us all but while we were there for him, it was him who was left with an empty house and nobody to talk to in the evenings. His sons all have their own families and while we supported him as much as we could, we couldn't replace the companionship a partner provides.

Sorry for your loss. From another perspective, my dad died nearly 10 years ago and my mum is still yet to meet anyone else. She's only 56 and I really wish she would even if just for company. I expect I would have found it extremely difficult had she actually met or reconnected with someone that short a time after my dad passed away but with the benefit of hindsight and the here and now, I wish she would. She fills her days but it must be very lonely.

The main reason that widowers are far more likely than widows to remarry (whether quickly or not) is simply due to the stats. Women live a few years longer than men on average, and men are typically a few years older than their partner. So a widower has a much larger number of potential new partners than a widow.

Sympathy for you, OP

At the moment, all you really know is that this woman has been in contact with your father and is coming to visit. You could be totally jumping the gun and stressing yourself out for no good reason.

Wait until she is here. See what happens and if you can, meet her. she might be lovely and just feel that they can support each other in their grief. She might want to visit the area where she grew up, and it's convenient to stay with someone she knows. You have no evidence at all that she is in any way predatory. I understand why you would feel upset and concerned, but I think a few deep breaths and a little perspective may be all the help you need.

I've heard a thousand variations of this story. It's very, very common.

Yes, you must be shell-shocked. I would be too.

I am sorry for your loss.

When you are older there is a feeling that you need to get on with things and do not have time for lengthy family negotiations etc when you have found someone who can help alleviate your loneliness. The relationships often do work out well and should not be seen as a replacement for a lost parent, but a chance to move forward and try and grab a chance at future happiness while you can.

My MIL was a highly intellectual and very learned woman - as soon as she died my FIL took up with a woman who was quite the opposite - much younger (she was my age when they met!), mouthy, uneducated and very crude. It was a big shock to all the family. But they rubbed along fine and to be honest took on a lot of care responsibilities that would otherwise have fallen to us - and been difficult because of my OH's shaky relationship with him.

It is hard for the children when this happens, but good that a last chance for happiness is being grasped.

My Dad was widowed at 66. He does lots of clubs like U3A and Rotary, and says there is such a "shortage" of young (in his eyes, I think he means under 80) fit, healthy single men, that he is 'quite in demand' He went to some do, mere weeks after my mother's death, and was sat on a table of 9 single women- he was so, so very happy