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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit shell-shocked

112 replies

JSlondon · 09/05/2016 21:47

My mum died two months ago and things are obviously pretty hard at the moment. My parents were together for nearly fifty years. Shortly after she died, a woman my dad went out with briefly before he met my mum got in contact with him, having heard the news of my mum's death through a mutual acquaintance. She's called/emailed a few times to see how he's doing. She lives in New York and is now coming to visit my dad for a week and stay with him sometime next month. She is widowed. Does this seem a bit fucking weird and inappropriate? And very bloody SOON?

OP posts:

whois · 10/05/2016 14:31

You lose one parent then end up losing them both

THis happened to my friend. Lost her mum to cancer. Then within 3 months her dad had moved away to another town and was living with an old friend of the family and now hardly sees his daughter. Sad.

positivity123 · 10/05/2016 16:05

I know it's hard but I would try to be happy for your dad. I think if someone has had a happy relationship they find it easier to have another relationship pretty quickly.
My worst nightmare is my dad being lonely so try and be nice to this lady as it will make your life easier in the long term

Clandestino · 10/05/2016 16:07

THis happened to my friend. Lost her mum to cancer. Then within 3 months her dad had moved away to another town and was living with an old friend of the family and now hardly sees his daughter. Sad.

How old was the daughter when this happened?

Witchend · 10/05/2016 16:19

Dh's great aunt remarried 6months after her husband died, aged 86 to a gentleman of 91.
"she never could live without a man" her sister said.

AnotherCiderPlease · 10/05/2016 16:28

My mother has a long term illness, and she has sat my DSis and myself down at different times and told us who she thinks would be the right women for our father to marry if she were to die (she prefers 1 in particular, but there were several!). Weird conversation to have, but yes, it is accepted in the older generation. Its for companionship.

Original poster

JSlondon · 10/05/2016 17:25

I spoke to my dad about how this visit came about. She apparently told him to come to New York and he said to come here instead. So she is. For two weeks, not one now. They bumped into each other over here with my mum about fifteen years ago. The friendship was so great that they spoke hmmm zero times in the last fifteen years. Predatory. It's two months.

Yes, I do have my own family - an18mo and a 4mo. I'm on maternity leave and assumed I'd be seeing my mum a lot. Instead I'm trying to support and respect the way my dad is grieving... I do sometimes want to scream out that his way of grieving is compounding my grief - the sheer speed of sorting things out, discarding things that would have been valuable to me, not being able to share fully how heartbroken I am for fear of upsetting him, wishing I could get out for a coffee with my partner instead of trying to save my tears between toddler bedtime and baby nightfeeds, wanting to heal a little bit before the next sodding bombshell. Even if nothing happens, a predatory widow-jumper is going to stay in my parent's house. That he can entertain that thought so soon feels so disrespectful to my mum. It's only been two months.

OP posts:

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle · 10/05/2016 18:42

How awful to feel that your Mum's memory is being brushed aside. Can you at least try to explain to your father that you find his hurry to get rid of her things upsetting? Maybe try to leave this 'friend' out of the conversation for now.

IME different people have different ways of remembering. Just as an explanation - I have a very poor visual memory so photos and letters and significant ornaments are very much more important to me than they are to my DSis, for example. She felt able to get rid of more or less everything as she has clear memories but I really don't unless I have something to 'pin' them on. Maybe try to approach it with your father from that perspective? Explain why you need things to slow down rather than imply criticism that he's moving too fast.

It's so shitty losing a parent anyway and still early days.

bewilderedfish · 10/05/2016 19:02

I feel so sorry for you JSLondon, I know the feeling of shock and horror that suddenly not only have you lost your mum but now you have to imagine another woman in her house. I couldn't believe my father could have such a blatant disregard for his children's feelings, the way he immediately put this woman he'd known two minutes in front of the feelings of his children.
It's called into doubt my whole relationship with my father, he's simply not the man I thought he was.
I know the feeling of imagining your mum and what she would think. My mother loved her little home and now there's not a trace of her anywhere. Nothing that was hers remains. I could actually kill this bitch of a woman that has come in and callously taken my father, destroyed the relationship with his children and wiped every trace of their mother from the home they grew up in.
I just can't give it too much thought or I'll drive myself crazy with it all. I've had a year of absolute devastation and upset. It has to stop sometime.
I really hope your father doesn't get too involved with this woman and gives you the respect you deserve to grieve your mother properly. I'd be very wary of her though, it does sound odd that she's suddenly on the scene for so long out of the blue.

Original poster

JSlondon · 10/05/2016 20:36

He's told her not to book the flight. My brother had a chat with him and I think he realises it's inappropriate and also bizarre to invite a relative stranger into his home for a fortnight. I still think that other woman is a bit of a nutter for putting herself in that position too - a five minute relationship, followed by a few chats fifty years later. I need a frank talk so that I can work out how to support him better and that he realises the effect his behaviour is having on me.

OP posts:

brassbrass · 10/05/2016 20:57

wow well done to your brother!!

You say you are a close family I think you just need to have an honest chat with him to explain how this scenario has got in the way of your grieving for your mum. He may be struggling but he needs to remember his children are also struggling and all of you are mourning the same person.

bewilderedfish · 10/05/2016 21:14

So glad your dad has listened to sense.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/05/2016 06:43

Oh good, so pleased your brother was able to talk to your father. So sorry to hear that you've already lost valuable-to-you keepsakes, that's distressing. At least that's one thing that my Dad has not and would never do - he keeps everything!

Unicow · 11/05/2016 06:59

It is really hard and the only way I found to deal was to focus on the fact your mum would want him to be happy. I imagine my mum saying "bloody useless man. I always knew he couldn't cope without me!"

My stepdad was dating within 6 weeks, moved another woman in after about 4 months and was remarried again shortly after.

I went in a roller coaster with it all but it's ok. It's ok to be sad and annoyed and pissed. I let myself feel all that stuff without guilt.

Unicow · 11/05/2016 07:03

So sorry for your loss. It's awful very difficult times are ahead but you can get through this.

JapanNextYear · 11/05/2016 07:09

my SIL dies 3 years ago after a v long illness, brother was devastated. I was so worried about my brother, he's in his 50s and never been on his own, he met a year ago a lovely woman and its transformed his life. His grown up son has only met her once and wouldn't speak to her. Son is v unreasonable.

OP not so much. While it's common for men to move on quickly, there's so much not right about what us happening with OPs dad story.

BipBippadotta · 11/05/2016 07:37

JS I'm so pleased your dad has seen sense. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you with so much going on. Sounds like you're handling everything beautifully. Wishing you comfort.

PinkParsnips · 11/05/2016 07:41

This happened to my dad. His dad died suddenly 30 years ago and 6 weeks later his mum asked him to give her away to another man! Dad said no and she has refused to have anything to do with him since

DeadGood · 11/05/2016 07:42

I'm so sorry OP. You are doing so well, but its awful what you are going through.

"I couldn't believe my father could have such a blatant disregard for his children's feelings, the way he immediately put this woman he'd known two minutes in front of the feelings of his children."

When you really break it down, your father is not putting this new woman above you and your siblings. He is putting HIMSELF above you. He wants a quiet, easy life for HIMSELF. That is who he is really putting first.

PinkParsnips · 11/05/2016 07:45

Sorry posted too soon then and have just seen your update OP, I'm so glad your dad has seen sense. So sorry for your loss

echt · 11/05/2016 08:00

Ludoole, I remember your thread on Life-Limiting Illness and am so glad that you've found such a source of happiness. All the best.

Sallystyle · 11/05/2016 08:04

My three young children went through this.

They lost their dad to cancer. Two months later their step mum met a new man and moved him in. They couldn't handle seeing him in their dad's bed with his stuff in the house instead of their dads.

It did not go down well at all as you can imagine. We were really close friends and it hurt me too. She adored my ex and she looked after him amazingly. Being young I expected her to find someone else quite quickly but it was so soon and so quick and it broke my children's heart all over again. They lost their step mother who they loved because they couldn't handle a new man in their dad's house so soon. She went from grieving awfully to being crazy in love in such a short space of time and all sensitivity to the children went out of the window. She might not have been their mum but they loved her and were very close to her and she wanted to carry on seeing them after he died but just didn't think about their feelings enough so it had to stop.

I am sorry for your loss OP and I'm glad your dad has seen sense

ismellSwell · 11/05/2016 08:07

I'm not surprised .
Some women are like vultures when it comes to widowed men.
They lurk in their shadows biding their time, with their offers of help and a shoulder to cry on.

I bet if she were a joint friend to your mum and dad and your mum was widowed, this woman wouldn't be so quick and easy with her offers of help. That type never are.

Sorry for your loss, it must be tough to see this going on. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do as bout it.

brassbrass · 11/05/2016 08:42

some of the stories on this thread

Clandestino · 11/05/2016 11:11

TBH, the amount of judgmental people on this thread is breathtaking. You leave the house, you have your own family, sort that out. Your parents should have the right to spend their old age as they want. If my mother decides to spend the last of her money on a journey around the world, I'll bring her to the airport and wish her all the best. She gave me enough while I was dependent on her as a child, now I can take care of myself and she can lead her own life.
So what if your father or mother want to have companionship after their husband/wife died? What do you know about your parents' relationship? Maybe it was a marriage of convenience. Maybe the deceased person was sick for a long time and their partner already went through the grieving process.
Yes, it's great when you spot a potentially predatory person straight away. But in that case, be there for our father/mother afterwards, offer them to stay with you if they want, call them, visit them, take interest in their daily lives. If you only "have a chat" and then go and look after your own business, you're not really helping.
We are all grieving but it's the partners who are left behind and face every day on their own. My FIL and my deceased MIL had all great plans for their retirement. Now he's living there on his own. Nobody is begrudging him that he has a relationship with an elderly woman who's widowed too.
It's the loneliness that makes those people a prime target for potential predators. So if someone is judgmental of their parent's relationship after what they consider a too short time, maybe they should first have a look at what they've done to reduce the loneliness and not only for the first two or three weeks after the funeral.

Sallystyle · 11/05/2016 12:07

TBH, the amount of judgmental people on this thread is breathtaking

I disagree.

Children, young or adult are often going to struggle when their parent 'moves on' after a couple of months. They are grieving and it isn't as simple as saying that they are selfish for not giving them their blessing. No one is saying anyone should wait a long time to find someone else, but I do think 2 months is so quick and if you do find someone else that quickly then don't expect people who are still in the early stages of grief to be happy about it. It's too early for most people to be logical about it all.

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