to hope for more from grandparents

[TonightIamgointobe]

If your parents live 4+ hours away and have other grandchildren, how much would you hope to see them?
I have the feeling mine aren't that interested in my kids.
We have always got on fine.
Thanks

So you all see each other 8 times a year despite living so far apart for days at a time?

I'd say that was pretty good going really.

We never travel to see our toddler grandson. (We live short distance outside UK)
DS has brought toddler DGS to visit us once for a few days so far. DIL visits her parents (12 hr flight away) at least once a year for 2-3 weeks at a time. She's never visited us.
We rarely phone and only FaceTime Xmas & birthdays.
I'm the 'Step mum' and my DH had a very distant relationship with his own mum. Hardly spoke to her for years. He feels that adult offspring need space so doesn't encourage too much contact.
They seem perfectly happy with this.

I find it very sad as I'd love to be more involved and visit more often but they're not my kids so I can't interfere. They were already adults when I met DH.

My PILs are dead . My own parents live about 3 miles away and never bother to come and see my kids. They actually drive past my road to get to other places but don't call in. I am expected to take the children to see them every Sunday afternoon but then they moan that the children won't just sit on a chair and say nothing for three hours. I also get a lot of PA moaning about how they don't see enough of the children.

I can't bloody win!

We had one grandmother who lived with us, and one who lived 200+ miles away. She would come and visit maybe once a year for a bout a week, but mostly my brothers were sent to stay with her (yes, from about age 7 they travelled on the train alone, the guard would keep an eye on them - normal back then).

I would not expect gps to travel that far at all, but take it as a bonus if they did. MIL lives 150 miles away from us, and dh and dd used to go and visit her a couple of times a year. DD would stay with her for a week while dh would stay with his sis.

Once a month.
Dd's in-laws make a 4-5 hour journey to see their son, daughter in law and granddaughter once a month.

My DM lives 3 1/2 hours away from hers. The probably see each other 8-10 times a year. She gets very needy and upset if she thinks she's being ignored.

MIL and FIL,DH's Mum and stepdad we see once a year.
I do wish it was more but there's 7 of us,me,DH and our 5DC and we have to travel to them and it costs us a small fortune for a week(usually upto £3,000)for somewhere to stay,care for our 7 pets(the 3 dogs go into a Doggy hotel)petrol money,spending money,money for meals out ect.

They have stayed near us before,twice I think but my MIL works really really hard still,she's a manager of a care home and she's amazing at her job,she not only runs the care home,she does loads of the care for all the people that live there,she supports and helps all of the staff and she helps and supports all of the familys that have a loved one living there.She also rescues cats as well and has done alot for the cat protection league where they live.
FIL always worked really hard even when he had cancer,thank God the cancer has all gone and he's retired now but he's the only one that drives and is quite a bit older than my MIL.

All of my DH's family live far away from us unfortunately,not by choice they all live miles and miles away from one another as well.To see my DH's Mum and stepdad we have to go to Cornwall,to see his Nan and 2 Aunties and Uncles and cousins(on his Mum's side) we have to go Birmingham,to see his Dad and his Dad's wife we have to go to Manchester,to see his Auntie and Uncle(his Dad's side)we have to go to Wales.

With my family apart from one Uncle and Auntie(that live in Bristol)the furthest we have to drive is about 30 minutes to visit any of my family.

We've visited my MIL and FIL this year,we're going to be visiting Nan,Aunties and Uncles and cousins in Birmingham later in the year for about 5 days then on the last day we'll be driving onto visit my DH's Dad and his wife for 4 or 5 days.

We still need to make space to visit his Auntie and Uncle in Wales this year as well,they've been asking us for the past 3 years and they have a new B&B they're going to put us up in for free which is really kind of them and they are lovely and the 5DC are desperate to see them again.

It's hard and can be very expensive but I think it's worth the effort especially for our 5DC to get to see all of they're family.

I see my parents and my in-law once in a year if I'm lucky due to a distance. The way I see it, they brought me and DH up, they can enjoy their life, if they show interest in DD, I'm only delighted but I don't have to have frequent visits, a call or an email is fine.
DD loves seeing them so we treasure their visits but honestly, I wouldn't expect them to take frequent trips even though it's 5 hours long journey max including the flights.

4 hours away id go twice a year and expect them to come twice a year too.

My parents are 3.5 hours away, see my mum probably every 6 weeks, my dad joins her every 3 months probably. They always visit for birthdays and we always do Christmas there at my insistence. We will spend a week on holiday with them in the summer and I try to visit with the kids once more in the year so I can see friends too. We FaceTime a couple of times a week.

In laws are long divorced but both local. MIL visits once a week to take eldest to swimming lessons, but cancels often. FIL lives nearest but spends half the year abroad, and he and his wife both work when in the UK so weeks can pass without seeing them. Used to drive me mad but I'm well used to it now. They are brilliant in emergencies and will always help us out if they can, so really can't complain.

My parents live approx 4hrs away, we see each other roughly every 6 weeks, I think that's loads considering the distance.

My parents are about 4 hours door to door but that includes a short flight. We see them about twice a year max. They v rarely skype their grandkids.
They have other grandkids about 1.5 hrs away and see them about once a quarter if my sibling takes them to visit.

I don't mind at all but its ffing ironic since they started hassling me for grandkids when I turned 25. I waited another 10 yrs

All the GPs are divorced (3 remarried) and they all love to visit - about 4 times a year for the married ones (my Dad and the ILs) all of whom are about 2-3 hours away in different directions. We don't often stay with them as all live in small houses/ flats, especially my Dad who lives a lifestyle halfway to the hoarding programs you see on TV. None of them babysit or do childcare - they come to see us and although it's lovely it's hard work - planning activities, cooking etc. MIL is helpful when she comes though. Mum is 2hrs away and comes often by train (about every 6 weeks) or we go to her and squeeze in her house. She is a great help and I wish we could live closer as I know she would rather see us for short times a couple of times a week (and would happily help with school run etc) than for a 3 night stay. She likes her own space and I have sympathy for the GPs saying that. We spend at least half our weekends a year with parents of great uncles/ aunts/ siblings staying in our house because we live quite far from all of them and have spare room while no one else really does. Would love to just visit for lunch/ dinner.

There is different types of involved though isn't there.

My parents both live in Scandinavia my mother was not that interested in my children would shower affection and love on my niece but rarely would even ask about mine when we spoke. Result was over the years we grew further and further apart. She passed away last year and I don't think my children noticed a great deal once the initial shock was over. My step dad makes a bit more of an effort now mother has died and I get texts asking after the children remembering birthdays etc.

My father on the other hand has been a Interested and caring granddad since my children were born. He has same distance as my mother but he bothered to ask about the children and speak with them. Result is my children will phone him to tell about important stuff and see him in a equal light to miles who lives 30 mons away.

Military is 30 mins away and is a involved answer interested grandparent. She will be 88 next month so limited in what she physical can do. However she has showered mine with love.

Really all I want from grandparents. And milk Fil my dad and to some extend my stepdad have managed this ok

PILs live 4 hours away. We see them 2-3 times a year. Tbh though if my own parents lived 4 hours away I think we'd see them more than this. They're more hands on, still very young at heart and happy to cater for people in their home etc. PILs are lovely, no issues, just very different to my folks and have also had health issues to get over (breast and bladder cancer) which mean travelling is more difficult for them (FIL still has a chemo flush every 3 months to keep cancer away).

Maternal grandparents live 600 miles away from us in Scottish Highlands. Paternal Grandfather (totally blind) 200 miles away in mid-Wales. Maternal grandparents have an easier busier life retired than when they worked. So we spend 2 weeks at Christmas/New Year with them and if we have the holiday allocation, then we try for a summer stay too. They come down for weekend about twice a year. Rest of the time we use modern technology of phone and/or skype. It's quite exhausting for grandparents who've never been around toddler kids for a long time (and quite exhausting looking after grandparents looking after children!) so we don't mind that when they come down for weekend - they spend about 4-6 hours max with us and stay overnight in hotel (their choice - we also have 4 cats so household can be very noisy/busy). The Paternal Grandfather we go to see every 3-4 months on a day visit. It's not so much how often the grandparents see - but the quality of time they have with them when they do. As for weekly newsy bits - that's where sending them nursery reports/pictures regularly and also the weekly telephone/skype calls come in.

If you're worried re face to face - then if parent's haven't used skype - might be worthwhile teaching them how to use on their phones/computers otherwise I'm sure your parents are thrilled to hear updates on phones - and when they do see kids - then the changes are more noticeable and exciting for the grandparents.

Just take what they are willing to give, & try not to expect more. My own DPs - 1.5 hours away - were so keen for me to have a child, but have hardly got involved at all (maybe 2-4 meet-ups a year with DS, & virtually no contact apart from us). I could feel bitter, as there were times I could have done with a bit more support (& yes, I did ask), but really, what would be the point in spoiling a generally good relationship with complaints? On the plus side, they try to spare me from too much involvement with their issues as they get older, though a bit of help is now sometimes needed.

I don't have parents but we used to see my PiL fairly regularly until my FIL died 18 months ago. MiL has Alzheimer's and is now in a care home and doesn't know who we are at all really but enjoys seeing the children. We see her every fortnight but more if we can make it (am still taking care of her house and sorting all her paperwork out). Not having any parents who can babysit or have meaningful interactions with the children makes me wish we did have younger parents etc. I do think it's hard when you live a distance away. As people get older often they don't want to travel or spend a lot of time with young children. My rule has always been enjoy the time that people can give you and don't worry about all the other stuff. Xx

It all depends really my parents live 10 minutes drive away & only see our kids half a dozen times a year if that & basically brought my sisters kids up who live 10 minutes walk away they have a car. In laws live 3 hours away visit us about 4/5 times a year and we visit them about 3/4 times a year. Neither have ever been any help with childcare. It's a bit shit from time to time. I am exhausted at times feeling like I have to be mum, dad (as he is out 12.5 hours a day and always has been), both sets of grand parents, aunties and uncles. But hey ho kids 11 & 12 now so less exhausting than it was.

My grown up children's GPs are all dead now but when the children were little my widowed DM live 150 miles north of us while the PiLs lived 150 miles south of us. So we just didn't see them very often, perhaps 2 -3 times a year. DM was retired and used to come to stay for a week or so from time to time; when PiLs retired they came to visit about once a year. At Christmas we alternated between both sets, either going to stay with one or the other or having them to stay with us. They adored the children and the children adored them.

Now that I have a DGC, who I see nearly every day because my DD lives only 3 miles away and is here just about daily to see to her horse, I feel quite guilty that perhaps we didn't make a bit more effort to let the GPs see more of our children. I love seeing my DGC.

On the other hand, I sometimes wonder if it doesn't stress my DD a bit having 2 sets of GPs who live close and who both want to see a lot of him. Perhaps she'd just like some time for her & her DH to enjoy him on their own. It's a bit of a minefield really.

I've enjoyed reading the comments on this thread.

We used to live 15 minutes from my parents and saw them every couple of weeks. Now we are 3 hours away and only see them when I go down in school holidays with the DC, they just don't want to make the journey.

My pils live 6 hours away and come here 2/3 times a year for about 4 days each time. We don't go there at all. In between times they Skype and that's enough imo.

My in-laws are 5 hours away and we would be lucky to see them twice a year (and one of those trips is a family holiday where we all meet at a set destination). My parents live 2 1/2 hours away and we can go 18 months to 2 years without seeing them at all. My children wouldn't know my parents if they passed them on the street. I think most families are closer then this, I wish ours was.

I think it very much depends on the Grandparents!! Mine live 30 minutes away and we see them at least a couple of times a week (they helped out a lot with childcare when the kids were younger).My inlaws used to live 2 hrs away and came to see us once or twice a year - but more often than not we went to them. Now they don't even bother - we go to them every couple of months but tbh they've NEVER been that interested. More fool them!

We live 8 hours drive from both sets of Grandchildren and try to visit on every birthday and certainly respond to every childcare or illness emergency. We also have spent, and still spend , holidays abroad with the families and have visits by them to us several times a year with or without their parents.We try not to leave it more than 6 or 8 weeks maximum between visits.
We are retired and are so fortunate to be a part of all their lives.
We are sometimes a little envious of our friends who have grandchildren close by but are making the most of things while we are both fit.
We alternate Christmas and New Year with the other Grandparents.