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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hope for more from grandparents

84 replies

TonightIamgointobe · 06/05/2016 21:51

If your parents live 4+ hours away and have other grandchildren, how much would you hope to see them?
I have the feeling mine aren't that interested in my kids.
We have always got on fine.
Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

TonightIamgointobe · 06/05/2016 23:03

This is interesting, thanks for the comments. We go there about 4 times a year. We have a baby and a toddler. But we stay for about 4 days each time. They come to us about 4 times a year and stay for a few hours or overnight. My dd is 6 months old and they have visited twice, each time for 24 hours. I hoped they would have come more. They are able bodied (both play sport), have a car each, one is retired and one is part time self employed. I'm not sure what replies I was hoping for but have found the reponses reassuring.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 06/05/2016 23:07

If it helps, my FIL lives on the same street as me and DH, twenty doors down and he never comes to see DS.

His other three grandchildren live a 3 hour drive away and he goes to see them at least once every 2 months.

Folk are weird.

Lightbulbon · 06/05/2016 23:13

Do you have a guest bedroom?

Some people don't want visitors when they have a small baby, do they think this applies to you?

Do they not want to be woken at night?

AgathaMystery · 06/05/2016 23:16

In laws live 4.5hrs from us & 8mins Dom BIL/SIL & grandchildren.

They provide approx £8,000 of free childcare PA to BIL & SIL & are finally, after 4.5yrs, acknowledging that it may be nice if occasionally they come see us/help us. We do not expect this, but DC adores them.

Original poster

TonightIamgointobe · 06/05/2016 23:17

We do have a guest room. I'm pretty easygoing with the baby and hope they feel welcome. But maybe they're not that flexible, not really wanting to be away from home... not sure.

OP posts:

MangosteenSoda · 06/05/2016 23:18

I'm a twelve hour flight away from my parents and in laws and they used to visit once a year.

In the 14 months since their first grandchild arrived my parents have visited 3 times and will arrive again next week. MIL has been out for one extended visit and FIL has, thankfully, not graced us with his presence.
I'm sticking to one trip back per year, but making it a long one.

It also depends how much you want to see them!

MiddleClassProblem · 06/05/2016 23:18

Like pp said, maybe with the baby they feel like they don't want to disturb your routine etc or be in the way staying long. Where do they stay if only visiting for a few hours? Have you said "come and stay for X days"?

Original poster

TonightIamgointobe · 06/05/2016 23:20

I'm always asking them to stay and suggesting they stay longer but they always say they're busy (sport/ social commitments usually).

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 06/05/2016 23:30

That's a shame. But my DF is like that. He plays tennis twice a week and won't miss it unless something major has come up. Maybe try and book then in early over a bank holiday?

Original poster

TonightIamgointobe · 07/05/2016 00:17

I think IABU. Which is reassuring. Thanks all.

OP posts:

coco1810 · 08/05/2016 20:01

My parents live a few hundred miles away so my kids only see them three or four times a year. They live closer to my sister and they see my niece once a week but my sister has to take her as they don't drive. So even I they lived nearer to us, I really couldn't see them doing school runs etc. Now my mil, I wish she lived miles away!!!

Princecharlesfirstwife · 08/05/2016 20:07

In laws live 4.5hrs from us & 8mins Dom BIL/SIL & grandchildren.They provide approx £8,000 of free childcare PA to BIL & SIL & are finally, after 4.5yrs, acknowledging that it may be nice if occasionally they come see us/help us

You sound bitter. Your PIL are hardly going to be able to provide you with free childcare, what with you living nearly 5 hours away.

MatildaTheCat · 08/05/2016 20:17

I'm old enough to be a youngish granny and much as I love young families, boy, they are exhausting. If you are going to stay 4x a year for 4 days they may well feel that's lovely but enough. Are you absolutely certain that your spare bed is comfortable? I've slept in some shocking spare beds which probably the hosts are unaware of.

I suggest asking your parents if you would like more from them. Be specific if you want to have a holiday together or whatever. Young retired people can have a new lease of life and get extremely busy with life. I'm sure they adore the grandchildren but it's not their only priority.

YoJesse · 08/05/2016 20:29

My Mum lives the furthest away of all ds's grandparents and has seen him the most by a long shot.
I can count on my hands how many times his paternal grandparents have seen him in his life and they are way nearer. They have loads of grandchildren and we have a difficult relationship with them which equals not interested.

MintyBojingles · 08/05/2016 22:16

My parents live 4 hours away, are retired/semi retired, both fit and healthy. We probably go to them 5+ times a year, think they've been maybe twice a year together, but my mum has come up a few more times.

I'd love it if they came up more, but our spare bedroom is a box with only a single, do either they have to bunk up, or stay at a hotel. They've got a lovely big four bed house, and have got busy with new hobbies since retirement - I'm pretty proud of them TBH, and jealous they have the time to do such things!

As I said I'd love it if they came here more, but it is easier us staying with them, though easier for them to travel as no toddler in tow!

curren · 09/05/2016 06:34

My PILs live 2.5 hours away. We go to them each school holiday and stay for a few hours. They don't like overnight guests despite having a four bedroom house.

They moved there a year ago. Fil has been here once. When the kids were at school. Dd finished at 2.30 so saw him for 10 minutes. Ds didn't see him at all. Mil hasn't been once in the last year.

I can honestly say it doesn't bother me one bit. I appreciate they have a life (although retired) over there.

hazelangell · 09/05/2016 07:03

My sons nan on his dads side lives about 5hrs drive and she visits about 5-6 times a year and will come pick him up and take him off for a weeks holiday about 2 or 3 times a year. His grandad on his dad side (they're divorced) lives about 5 minute walk away and we only see him if we bump into him on the street, which is less often than his nan.

My mum and dad live locally and we we see them often (they're divorced too) - neither have my son overnight. Dad never has him for an hour or two or anything but mum very very occasionally will watch him for an hour or two if I have an appointment or somewhere I need to be.

LittleHouseOnTheShelf · 09/05/2016 07:09

Both sets of in laws are local, we see mine every week, the others, less so. I never just drop in on them and we see them when they/DH instigate it. I'm not bothered either way.

Witchend · 09/05/2016 07:13

Mine are 6 hours away. They usually visit once a year, occasionally twice. We usually visit them once too.
They adore my children and my dc adore them.

LittleCandle · 09/05/2016 07:14

I live 10 hours drive away from DD and DGD and wish that they were closer. We phone and video call regularly, but I work and she works, so getting time and money together to make that long journey is very difficult. We saw each other twice last year, she came up one time and I went down when DGD was born. She is coming up in the summer and I am hoping to go down to visit her in October for DGD's first birthday, but that rather depends on whether I am fit to drive again by then. (Long story involving a serious operation and long recovery time).

I would love to see more of them and I never had any desire to be a grandparent. However, I fell head over heels in love the moment I saw the baby and do feel envious that her other grandparents can see more of her. If DD and her partner do move back up, then the other grandparents will be in a similar situation of not being able to visit regularly. It is a vicious circle.

MatthewWrightIsThick · 09/05/2016 07:16

The thought of staying in a house with a baby and toddler wouldn't thrill me. I find little kids quite annoying. I didn't mind my own but other people's don't do much for me.

I can see your parents point of view. They might have more to do with the kids when they are older.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 09/05/2016 07:18

MiL is about 4hrs away. She makes a big noise about being a grandparent but only comes to us once a year, we've encouraged her to come more often but she doesn't like being off home turf (late 60s, healthy). We go up usually twice a year.

My parents are about 3 hrs away. Mum used to come every 4-6 weeks when DC were babies which I really appreciated. Now it's probably about 4 or 5 times a year, DC are in primary school and DH and I both working. We go there for a week in the summer hols and maybe another flying visit during the year.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 09/05/2016 07:20

Oh and MiL never contacts us by phone either. When I remember I prompt the kids to phone her.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2016 07:47

One set of my grandparents lived that far from us when we were young. We saw them at most twice a year, for a week at a time. They sent cards, as did we - but inevitably they preferred the DGC who lived just down the road, who spoke with the same accent, to us, who they saw for max 2 weeks a year and had funny Southern accents.

My other grandparents lived 15 mins away. We saw them far more and had a much closer relationship with them, plus we were their only DGC so there was no "competition".

Pengweng · 09/05/2016 07:54

One set of GPs live an hour away and we see them once a month. Normally we go to them but sometimes they come here. They have them over night a few times a year. My mum lives a short plane trip away and comes to stay for 4-5 days every few months so probably see her 5 times a year. We alternate christmas. One year we go to my mums, one year at home and then one year at PIL. That way I get a year in my own home and who ever wants to come and see us can if they want.

I think it depends on how able they are and how willing you are to go to them. Some people just aren't that interested in children. Maybe they will be more interested when they are older.

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