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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to just give up?

31 replies

owl89 · 05/05/2016 15:41

I had an awful start to breast feeding. Baby wouldn’t latch so hospital midwife gave me formula. I was devastated. I had my heart set on breastfeeding. After numerous visits from breast feeding support and health visitor my DS still would not latch and would scream if placed near my breast. Breast feeding support lady lent me a pump to express to try and “reverse the damage” I had done giving him formula. Her words. So now my DS is 4 weeks and he has mostly expressed breast milk with one bottle of formula a day. However, it’s killing me. I’m constantly crying, feel like I’m permanently attached to pump and missing time with my DS which could be spent cuddling , going for walks or actually finding time to feed myself.

So, would I be unreasonable to just give up or shall I keep on trying? Please be kind, I am already giving myself a hard time.

OP posts:
MLGs · 05/05/2016 15:43

No you would not be unreasonable.

savasanaaa · 05/05/2016 15:43

Don't be hard on yourself. Breastfeeding is really difficult for lots of people. Do what feels best for you & your baby & remember you have tried very hard. The most important thing for your baby is to have a happy, healthy mum.

gobbynorthernbird · 05/05/2016 15:44

YWNBU to give up. You've tried so hard, and baby needs a happy, healthy mum more than breastmilk. Also, the 'support' lady was completely out of order to say you'd damaged your DS in any way by giving him formula.

NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 15:45

Has he been checked for tongue/lip tie?

WhineWhineWINE · 05/05/2016 15:45

He'll be just fine on formula, don't beat yourself up about it. It's more important for you both to be happy and relaxed.

BarbarianMum · 05/05/2016 15:46

No, no, no - you are NOT being unreasonable. Of course you can stop - you have done amazingly well to get this far. Breastfeeding can be great (although not always) when it works but it doesn't always work and it isn't necessary for infant health in the west.

Ignore the stupid advice the "support" lady gave you - you have not damaged your child. Feed him as you'd like to. Enjoy him.

SoupDragon · 05/05/2016 15:46

What do you want to do?

oldlaundbooth · 05/05/2016 15:49

You are not 'giving up'.

Please just switch to formula.

'Reverse the damage'. I have no words for this rubbish.

blueturtle6 · 05/05/2016 15:49

Ywnbu, a happy mum is worth any amount of bfing. I've just put 6mo on formula and wish id done it sooner. Shes happier and so am I. Just make sure to give skin to skin and lots of cuddles when bottle.feeding xx

Tiggeryoubastard · 05/05/2016 15:52

God no. Happy mum, happy baby. Accept its just not for you both, and do what's best now. Flowers

jumbopack · 05/05/2016 15:55

I feel like I could have written this post. I was constantly on the phone to breastfeeding support lines and kept getting mixed messages. In the end I felt the benefits of bonding with my baby far outweighed the benefits she would get from breastmilk. However, my baby is now 4 months old and I'm still sometimes upset about my decision to quit. I don't regret quitting - my mood changed immediately after quitting and my baby became far happier but I wish I had been given better advice and support, because we have only now learned that she has a lip and tongue tie and if we'd known earlier I'm sure we'd have a different story. So I'd do as another poster suggested and get that investigated as well as any other reasons for your problems. But if you want to quit, it for sure would not be unreasonable. You need to do what's best for you any and for you!

mummyto2monkeys · 05/05/2016 16:05

No you would not be unreasonable, in fact it is fair to say that to do so would be a way of protecting your mental health. I was in a similar situation after my dd was born, she couldn't latch (I didn't realise until months after stopping that she had upper and lower lip tie and a tongue tie) and I could not keep up the demand of expressing for her. On top of that she screamed constantly, was violently sick after every feed making it all feel a bit pointless.

I remember the feeling of relief when I handed my daughter to my husband and he fed her her first bottle of formula. Then I went into my room and cried feeling like a big fat failure. I had breastfed my son for over two years yet had only managed a month of expressing for my baby girl. I was so depressed.

But then when her next feed came, I felt the relief again and could concentrate on holding my baby and bottle nursing her, and playing with my son who sorely needed his Mummy.

We later found out that our baby girl was coeliac and lactose intolerant. When she started lactose free formula, the screaming and constant vomiting stopped almost immediately.

Once I stopped expressing I was able to relax and better cope with my poorly baby. You are not going to damage your baby by giving him formula. Many babies are bottle fed and perfectly healthy. You have done so well, I know how draining, time consuming and just hard work it is expressing for a hungry infant. You have given your so the first precious milk, he has benefited from your immunity. Please don't beat yourself up, you have not failed anyone, you are doing the very best for your baby boy.

Original poster
owl89 · 05/05/2016 16:06

Thank you for your kind words. I really needed to hear them.

I think I remember the midwife saying no tongue tie. I have never heard of lip tie bug just looked under his lip and not sure if it looks normal I will post a picture. He struggles with swallowing and coughing when eating. Not sure if that's linked?

OP posts:
Original poster
owl89 · 05/05/2016 16:09

Look normal?

OP posts:
Cunties · 05/05/2016 16:09

Yanbu Flowers

MacTootBlowsonHisBagpipes · 05/05/2016 16:10

Oh you poor thing ( and jumbopack too)! I could have written your post almost word for word when my toddler was a few weeks old. As everyone has said you definitely would not be unreasonable!

Make sure he has been checked for lip/tongue tie (my boy didn't ) but other than that do what you want to do, not what you think you should. I managed 12 weeks pumping with formula top ups and it killed me. I can barely remember anything of the first 3 months other than that bloody pump!

Yes breast is best but not at the cost of your mental health and cuddling your baby. You have given him a fabulous start but you need to look after yourself too. I wish someone had given me a good talking to at the time but health care professionals are really tied in what they can say regarding formula.

Original poster
owl89 · 05/05/2016 16:11

I have cried with relief at some of these posts. It makes me feel better that I am not alon. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
confusedandemployed · 05/05/2016 16:13

I switched at 4 weeks. DD is quite literally the healthiest, happiest, most robust 3yo I know. I was much happier once I gave up on the hell (for me) that was breastfeeding.

How bloody dare that consultant infer that bottle fed babies are damaged.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/05/2016 16:14

I think that looks pretty normal.
I feel your pain.
I couldn't breast feed.
We tried and tried but it just wasn't going to happen.
I don't regret it.
She's a fit and healthy 18 YO now.

DoveBlue · 05/05/2016 16:16

Have you tried again latching on? My girl was really useless at latching and took 6-8 weeks to be ok. Is there a breastfeeding group near you where you could get some constructive advice regarding latching.

Please don't call stopping breastfeeding giving up or failing you are feeding your baby.

I would suggest prehaps a compromise combi feeding. You should decrease slowly anyway. Have you got a double pump get more milk (think its is 18% more). Have you tried latching on while pumping the other side to trigger the let down means baby does less work while relearning the breast.

However I want to reiterate stopping breastfeeding so you can spend time with your baby is NOT something you should give yourself a hard time about!

mummyto2monkeys · 05/05/2016 16:17

You have yourself a lip tie there, I would consider asking your g.p if they can arrange it to be snipped, if you want to try again on the breast. What a beautiful boy you have there. Honestly don't feel bad about giving up, you have given him a precious gift already xx

sianihedgehog · 05/05/2016 16:18

If you want to stop you should stop, a mother has worth as more than a source of food. Your happiness has worth.

BUT, I have to say that it sounds like you've had really shit support, and I really think that with the right help it would be possible to breastfeed if that is what you want to do. If that is what you want, please contact La Leche League, check out the Breastfeeding Support and Information group on Facebook, and the Can I Breastfeed In it Off Topic discussion group, and go to your GP and ask for a referral to a certified lactation consultant. Very few babies cannot latch, and breastfeeding is a learning process for a baby as well as for a mother. Sometimes you both need help, and sometimes there are physical issues (like tongue or lip tie) that affect it. My boy had problems moving his neck after a difficult birth that made latching very difficult at first, and no one in all of the midwives and health visitors spotted it. Once we figured it out it got so much easier!

SoupDragon · 05/05/2016 16:21

You have yourself a lip tie there

Yes, I thought so too.

MacTootBlowsonHisBagpipes · 05/05/2016 16:22

If you do decide to stop expressing, now or way in the future :), please make sure you do it gradually! It took me two or three weeks dropping one session every couple of days.

mummyto2monkeys · 05/05/2016 16:24

Your son has the fourth type here, my daughter's was the same

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