WIBU to just give up?

[owl89]

I had an awful start to breast feeding. Baby wouldn’t latch so hospital midwife gave me formula. I was devastated. I had my heart set on breastfeeding. After numerous visits from breast feeding support and health visitor my DS still would not latch and would scream if placed near my breast. Breast feeding support lady lent me a pump to express to try and “reverse the damage” I had done giving him formula. Her words. So now my DS is 4 weeks and he has mostly expressed breast milk with one bottle of formula a day. However, it’s killing me. I’m constantly crying, feel like I’m permanently attached to pump and missing time with my DS which could be spent cuddling , going for walks or actually finding time to feed myself.

So, would I be unreasonable to just give up or shall I keep on trying? Please be kind, I am already giving myself a hard time.

[DailyMaui]

Yanbu - my son refused to latch on and I pumped for about six miserable weeks. He was also a very poor sleeper and instead of sleeping when he did to get some rest, I would be bloody pumping away. I was broken. I went to every breastfeeding support group I could with no success. I got sneered at by a mum who refused to believe my problems and told me I just wasn't trying hard enough and then said disdainfully "what would have happened in the bush? He would have breastfed of course." (Except not as we would have both died in labour)

I was so unhappy and exhausted. My friend finally stepped in and helped me switch to formula. I beat myself up for months. But he thrived, slept better and I started to feel normal again.

My other child latched on immediately and I EBF for 8 months. So it wasn't me after all. It makes me so angry that I wasted really special bonding time with my son because I was so utterly utterly miserable.

[MatildaTheCat]

You've given your baby a wonderful start in life, huge congratulations. This is making you utterly miserable so I would recommend you consider stopping gradually and start enjoying motherhood a little more. There are no prizes or awards for all this. Breastfeeding can be a beautiful thing but it can also cause terrible misery to those who are pressured by society into thinking they have failed.

You've just created a human being...that's an amazing and wonderful achievement which you deserve to enjoy completely guilt free. We are lucky enough to have safe and excellent alternative methods of feeding.

[AlmaMartyr]

Good luck with the GP, hope they can help. YANBU to give up though. DD was fed exclusively with pumped breastmilk until 7 weeks. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, I should have stopped but was too tired and determined. I finally stopped after the 3rd bout of mastitis but wish I had given up earlier and claimed back some of that time. DD is 7yo now, super healthy and very close to me.

Look after yourself and enjoy your gorgeous baby

[Olivionia]

Owl89. I feel your pain! You are most definitely not being unreasonable. My DD was born 8 weeks early by emergency C-section. She was tube fed to begin with (as her sucking reflex wasn't developed). I tried desperately to express but my milk never came in so she was formula fed (by tube) from the word go. I have never forgotten (an otherwise very good consultant) telling me when she wasn't putting on as much weight as they wanted, that 'Sometimes premature babies just don't do as well on formula'. After 2 weeks of trying to express every 3 hours to no avail, and with the stress of a prem baby, it just about finished me off!! Five years later it doesn't seem to have done her any harm at all. All we can do is try and sometimes enough is enough....

[owl89]

Thank you, I am going to take DS to GP to be checked

[readingrainbow]

Lip yie and posterior tongue tie are usually seen together. Getting tongue tie sorted is notoriously difficult on the NHS - posterior tongue tie is practically scoffed at. No wonder you are struggling to feed the baby.

My youngest had posterior TT and we had to pay privately to get it snipped. Sadly it still wasn't the panacea I had hoped for and I stubbornly expressed and topped up day and night for weeks. Did I mention I'm stubborn?! I also went practically mad at the effort and have decided that if I ever have another child with tongue tie he/she will be fed formula. Breastfeeding is a huge thing for me; it's a fundamental way I parent my babies. But even with the strongest will in the world, previous experience of breastfeeding, good advice and a fab support network, it was still the hardest thing I've done in my entire life. The stress I was under was back breaking.

You are not giving up. You are feeding your baby. That's all that matters.

[mummyto2monkeys]

Your son has the fourth type here, my daughter's was the same

s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/f0/76/69/f07669d7b2448ff7cc7cc9c33844f174.jpg

[MacTootBlowsonHisBagpipes]

If you do decide to stop expressing, now or way in the future :), please make sure you do it gradually! It took me two or three weeks dropping one session every couple of days.

[SoupDragon]

You have yourself a lip tie there

Yes, I thought so too.

[sianihedgehog]

If you want to stop you should stop, a mother has worth as more than a source of food. Your happiness has worth.

BUT, I have to say that it sounds like you've had really shit support, and I really think that with the right help it would be possible to breastfeed if that is what you want to do. If that is what you want, please contact La Leche League, check out the Breastfeeding Support and Information group on Facebook, and the Can I Breastfeed In it Off Topic discussion group, and go to your GP and ask for a referral to a certified lactation consultant. Very few babies cannot latch, and breastfeeding is a learning process for a baby as well as for a mother. Sometimes you both need help, and sometimes there are physical issues (like tongue or lip tie) that affect it. My boy had problems moving his neck after a difficult birth that made latching very difficult at first, and no one in all of the midwives and health visitors spotted it. Once we figured it out it got so much easier!

[mummyto2monkeys]

You have yourself a lip tie there, I would consider asking your g.p if they can arrange it to be snipped, if you want to try again on the breast. What a beautiful boy you have there. Honestly don't feel bad about giving up, you have given him a precious gift already xx

[DoveBlue]

Have you tried again latching on? My girl was really useless at latching and took 6-8 weeks to be ok. Is there a breastfeeding group near you where you could get some constructive advice regarding latching.

Please don't call stopping breastfeeding giving up or failing you are feeding your baby.

I would suggest prehaps a compromise combi feeding. You should decrease slowly anyway. Have you got a double pump get more milk (think its is 18% more). Have you tried latching on while pumping the other side to trigger the let down means baby does less work while relearning the breast.

However I want to reiterate stopping breastfeeding so you can spend time with your baby is NOT something you should give yourself a hard time about!

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think that looks pretty normal.
I feel your pain.
I couldn't breast feed.
We tried and tried but it just wasn't going to happen.
I don't regret it.
She's a fit and healthy 18 YO now.

[confusedandemployed]

I switched at 4 weeks. DD is quite literally the healthiest, happiest, most robust 3yo I know. I was much happier once I gave up on the hell (for me) that was breastfeeding.

How bloody dare that consultant infer that bottle fed babies are damaged.

[owl89]

I have cried with relief at some of these posts. It makes me feel better that I am not alon. Thank you so much.

[MacTootBlowsonHisBagpipes]

Oh you poor thing ( and jumbopack too)! I could have written your post almost word for word when my toddler was a few weeks old. As everyone has said you definitely would not be unreasonable!

Make sure he has been checked for lip/tongue tie (my boy didn't ) but other than that do what you want to do, not what you think you should. I managed 12 weeks pumping with formula top ups and it killed me. I can barely remember anything of the first 3 months other than that bloody pump!

Yes breast is best but not at the cost of your mental health and cuddling your baby. You have given him a fabulous start but you need to look after yourself too. I wish someone had given me a good talking to at the time but health care professionals are really tied in what they can say regarding formula.

[Cunties]

Yanbu

[owl89]

Look normal?

[owl89]

Thank you for your kind words. I really needed to hear them.

I think I remember the midwife saying no tongue tie. I have never heard of lip tie bug just looked under his lip and not sure if it looks normal I will post a picture. He struggles with swallowing and coughing when eating. Not sure if that's linked?

[mummyto2monkeys]

No you would not be unreasonable, in fact it is fair to say that to do so would be a way of protecting your mental health. I was in a similar situation after my dd was born, she couldn't latch (I didn't realise until months after stopping that she had upper and lower lip tie and a tongue tie) and I could not keep up the demand of expressing for her. On top of that she screamed constantly, was violently sick after every feed making it all feel a bit pointless.

I remember the feeling of relief when I handed my daughter to my husband and he fed her her first bottle of formula. Then I went into my room and cried feeling like a big fat failure. I had breastfed my son for over two years yet had only managed a month of expressing for my baby girl. I was so depressed.

But then when her next feed came, I felt the relief again and could concentrate on holding my baby and bottle nursing her, and playing with my son who sorely needed his Mummy.

We later found out that our baby girl was coeliac and lactose intolerant. When she started lactose free formula, the screaming and constant vomiting stopped almost immediately.

Once I stopped expressing I was able to relax and better cope with my poorly baby. You are not going to damage your baby by giving him formula. Many babies are bottle fed and perfectly healthy. You have done so well, I know how draining, time consuming and just hard work it is expressing for a hungry infant. You have given your so the first precious milk, he has benefited from your immunity. Please don't beat yourself up, you have not failed anyone, you are doing the very best for your baby boy.

[jumbopack]

I feel like I could have written this post. I was constantly on the phone to breastfeeding support lines and kept getting mixed messages. In the end I felt the benefits of bonding with my baby far outweighed the benefits she would get from breastmilk. However, my baby is now 4 months old and I'm still sometimes upset about my decision to quit. I don't regret quitting - my mood changed immediately after quitting and my baby became far happier but I wish I had been given better advice and support, because we have only now learned that she has a lip and tongue tie and if we'd known earlier I'm sure we'd have a different story. So I'd do as another poster suggested and get that investigated as well as any other reasons for your problems. But if you want to quit, it for sure would not be unreasonable. You need to do what's best for you any and for you!

[Tiggeryoubastard]

God no. Happy mum, happy baby. Accept its just not for you both, and do what's best now.

[blueturtle6]

Ywnbu, a happy mum is worth any amount of bfing. I've just put 6mo on formula and wish id done it sooner. Shes happier and so am I. Just make sure to give skin to skin and lots of cuddles when bottle.feeding xx

[oldlaundbooth]

You are not 'giving up'.

Please just switch to formula.

'Reverse the damage'. I have no words for this rubbish.

[SoupDragon]

What do you want to do?