AIBU to feel this friend is too demanding?

[honeyandmarmitesandwiches]

I've had this particular friend since we were at uni and she is a lovely person, but increasingly I'm finding her difficult to deal with. It's almost as though my liking for her is cancelled out by how much hard work she is.

The thing is that she is single and also not really terribly happy. I have a three year old DS and it seems like all her other friends are married, have kids or both and I do feel for her because I know it's hard when you're at a different stage of life etc, but the thing is she just doesn't seem to acknowledge that. I get invitations to 'do something' with her practically every weekend. She lives in London about a two hour journey away from me and to be fair she is happy to travel to me as much as vice versa, but I don't always want to be doing that either, tbh my weekends are usually spent trying to catch up with everything and recharge my batteries plus occasionally doing something sociable on a more local basis. I'm not the most extravert person in the world and I don't have tons of energy. I usually just can't face the whole rigmarole of meeting up, fine if it's every couple of months (maybe a bit more than that) but she asks me so often I feel guilty about it! I hate having to say no but it's like she doesn't have the same social rulebook that everyone else has, it's like dealing with a (nice) child in a lot of ways.

It just feels like she never considers things from anyone else's perspective and is always (in the nicest possible way) pushing the boundaries. I suggested going to France for a couple of nights, she wanted to go further afield and for longer so now it's four nights in Spain, with me doing all the driving. A couple of other people were going to be coming with us but when she booked the tickets she didn't mention until afterwards that they weren't coming. I think it was a genuine misunderstanding but the fact is, five days with just the two of us sounds like hard work and instead of looking forwards to it I'm quite stressed and resentful.

In some ways I just think that her expectations and what she wants from the friendship are very different to mine, and she is quite frustrating to be around because she seems to want more more more so we end up going out spending money etc when I wasn't planning to. This probably sounds quite petty and I am really fond of her but I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's at the point where I'm thinking about more or less cutting her off.

AIBU here? What should I do?

Oh dear, I hope I'm not annoying any friends by inviting them along to stuff. I always invite everyone, I'm not at all upset if they say no, as I realise that people are busy, but I think that it's always nice to be invited. Now I find out that this may be interpreted as demanding.

I think it becomes demanding when those asking do not accept a simple no, thank you ( the MN complete sentence), so yes, does rely on people being straight. Sigh.

coffee it's not just casual invites though, and it's not like I live round the corner. It does become a pressure if you constantly feel you are saying no to someone.

cleaty I have friends I am very fond of, wouldn't necessarily be able to see them all the time as they live a little way away but when we do see each other it's lovely and we'll usually spend a whole weekend and make it special, plus keeping in touch in the meantime. It may not be closeness in the popping into each others' houses all the time sense but they are important to me. IMO if someone lives two hours away and you have a young child it would be pretty much expected that they would be in this category. It doesn't downgrade the friendship as such it's just the practicalities of our lives and geography. What is causing the issue here is that this friend doesn't seem to have any concept of that and as a secondary issue always tries to push things that bit beyond what would be considered sensible.
An example, she wanted me to come with DS and do a bus tour (a tourist type one), which I thought was a lovely idea for perhaps a morning followed by some lunch and maybe a museum, but then she wanted to extend it over two days plus sleepover? After a weekend like that I would be far too exhausted for work on Monday morning!

coffeetasteslikeshit - Only passive aggressive people. If you can't be honest with a friend about a simple invitation, it does not say much about your friendship.

honey - Then tell her.
Sorry I think you are as much to blame as you need to explain to her.

cleaty it's not a simple invitation, there's a whole context, can you please not be so unfair? I'm not passive aggressive at all, I'm just coming to the end of my tether with someone who doesn't respect normal boundaries. I will fully admit my boundaries could do with being stronger but that does not passive aggressive make. People are so fond of that particular accusation on mumsnet, frightfully clever of you all with your psychology degrees etc.

I think this break will be a disaster. I also think the friend knows exactly what she is doing, taking advantage of you finding your feet after the separation, changing the holiday to longer and the destination of her choice. All right, she knows you tend to give in, but that's no excuse to bulldoze over your feelings. No wonder she isn't happy, she treats people so badly.

I would tell her quite frankly that she knew you didn't want to drive, and while it was OK when the other people were coming to share it, it isn't OK now. Were they ever coming? She only told you after the tickets were booked committing you to coming with her. It sounds very underhand. I suspect you will be her personal chauffeur the whole time, taking her where she wants to go.

If I were you, I rather lose the money than go. If you tell her sooner rather than later, I'm sure she will be able to find others to go.

I think the problem is honey that there's no rule about what are normal boundaries. She's got one idea of what these are and you've got another. The onus is on you to just say what you're comfortable with. The day out - it's perfectly fine to say, the bus tour and lunch would be lovely but I can't stay the weekend as I have to get other stuff done and I'd be too tired for work. Perfectly reasonable. But it's unreasonable to resent her for suggesting making a weekend of it - unless she kept insisting after you said no or something. She's not doing anything wrong by putting it out there, and you're doing her a disservice if you just silently resent her about that sort of thing.

She wanted me to come with DS and do a bus tour (a tourist type one), which I thought was a lovely idea for perhaps a morning, followed by some lunch and maybe a museum, but then she wanted to extend it to over two days plus sleepover

That's quite intense OP. I'm wondering if you are her only friend?

So how does she react if you say no, two days is too long?

cleaty I said two days was a bit much haha (I can see now where I go wrong, I should have been yelling FUCK NO ARE YOU INSANE? but what can I do, I'm just passive aggressive like that ), she just countered with how nice it would be and that it was a good deal and would I like her to pay for it as a present (please, please don't). This seems to be the pattern, I say something and she assumes it's up for negotiation, even when as far as I can see I'm just tentatively trying to introduce a bit of realism. Even when we were discussing going away she 'jokingly' started off 'haggling' at a whole week despite knowing that I originally said Paris for a couple of days which would have meant two nights maximum. Despite also knowing I have a three year old and not much dosh at all. Every time she does this I question myself and think, oh I'm being boring but honestly its so so stressful simply because it keeps happening and expressing my feelings about a particular issue doesn't (in her mind) mean it's not up for negotiation afterwards.

Petal I'm not her only friend, she is quite intense about it though and has said to me recently that she's been feeling unhappy about some of her friendships. She didn't go into detail but making a massive leap I think other people are also struggling with her expectations and perhaps taking a deliberate step back. She mentioned being 'a bit pissed off' with her other friend for not wanting to come on this holiday (this conversation of course happened after the tickets were booked), she also seemed quite disgruntled with another very close friend who had got married recently and being from a traditional Asian background was basically involved with family obligation things every weekend for a few months, she made some comment to another recently married friend who had declined a group invitation, to the tune of you get what you put in in life are your friendships important to you etc (can't remember the wording). They have all seemingly worked it out with her because I think like me they are genuinely fond of her in other ways but thinking about it, the signs are that she does this to other people.

I think part of it for me is the disposable income issue. She's pretty much raking it in compared to me and I think (again this is quite childish perhaps) just doesn't realise that things are expensive to me, even train tickets etc. I've mentioned money as a factor more than once but it's like she thinks certain things don't count as expenses because they are so normal iykwim? So I not only feel boring but also poor lol.

I feel I should mention, she does have significant mental health issues. The condition she has is controlled quite well with medication but I'm wondering if part of it might be that she has been treated with kid gloves a bit over the years. I think I've done it myself where I've wanted to make that extra effort to see her thinking she obviously has her struggles, but she doesn't actually seem to appreciate things that much. Again I've made allowances as I think her medications can make her seem quite 'flat' but other friends of mine think she's rude.

"I said two days was a bit much haha." But if you just say this, she may think you're being polite. She may feel that she has to try to insist you stay over to be polite back. You don't have to tell her she's insane, but you could just say "no I can't, for these three reasons...." Same with going to Spain instead of Paris (possibly suggested so you could save money on accommodation?). No sorry, I don't want to leave my son for more than 2 nights. No sorry, Spain is going to end up costing more and I'll have to drive. It's not rude to do that. It's a bit rude not to do it and then resent the friend - she has no idea what you're thinking.

Honestly, if someone has suggested going to Paris for 2 nights, it's not rude or horrible to say, hey how about Spain for five nights instead. that's fine. It's also fine for the first person to say no. She definitely does sound trying, but it sounds like your expectations are a bit unreasonable too - it seems like you feel it's rude to suggest something that you could anticipate the other person wouldn't agree with, and that somehow obliges the other person to go along with the suggestion.

It's a bit rude not to do it and then resent the friend - she has no idea what you're thinking

This.

If you can't be honest with her, you're not really her friend.

I agree with the others. Neither of you are being unreasonable. Both of you are allowed to say what you would like and equally both of you are allowed to say no.
If you feel you are being railroaded then just say no.
I think you are being very unfair and childish to blame this on her. You are both equally to blame.

I have to say I can really identify with your posts honey, I had/have a friend who behaved just like yours when my now DH and I were starting to settle down together and I was less available than before for girls nights out, holidays etc (not unavailable by any means, just less available than previously ). I had to stand my ground to some extent as her demands were completely unreasonable but, a couple of years on, she met her OH and I've seen so little of her since then (at her instigation) that I regret how much I put myself out for her at the time.
So I would say pull back by all means if that's what works for your needs!