AIBU to feel this friend is too demanding?

[honeyandmarmitesandwiches]

I've had this particular friend since we were at uni and she is a lovely person, but increasingly I'm finding her difficult to deal with. It's almost as though my liking for her is cancelled out by how much hard work she is.

The thing is that she is single and also not really terribly happy. I have a three year old DS and it seems like all her other friends are married, have kids or both and I do feel for her because I know it's hard when you're at a different stage of life etc, but the thing is she just doesn't seem to acknowledge that. I get invitations to 'do something' with her practically every weekend. She lives in London about a two hour journey away from me and to be fair she is happy to travel to me as much as vice versa, but I don't always want to be doing that either, tbh my weekends are usually spent trying to catch up with everything and recharge my batteries plus occasionally doing something sociable on a more local basis. I'm not the most extravert person in the world and I don't have tons of energy. I usually just can't face the whole rigmarole of meeting up, fine if it's every couple of months (maybe a bit more than that) but she asks me so often I feel guilty about it! I hate having to say no but it's like she doesn't have the same social rulebook that everyone else has, it's like dealing with a (nice) child in a lot of ways.

It just feels like she never considers things from anyone else's perspective and is always (in the nicest possible way) pushing the boundaries. I suggested going to France for a couple of nights, she wanted to go further afield and for longer so now it's four nights in Spain, with me doing all the driving. A couple of other people were going to be coming with us but when she booked the tickets she didn't mention until afterwards that they weren't coming. I think it was a genuine misunderstanding but the fact is, five days with just the two of us sounds like hard work and instead of looking forwards to it I'm quite stressed and resentful.

In some ways I just think that her expectations and what she wants from the friendship are very different to mine, and she is quite frustrating to be around because she seems to want more more more so we end up going out spending money etc when I wasn't planning to. This probably sounds quite petty and I am really fond of her but I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's at the point where I'm thinking about more or less cutting her off.

AIBU here? What should I do?

Cancel the Spain trip. Just tell her the thought of driving is making you so stressed you just can't do it. It may seem drastic but I think if you really put your foot down over a big thing like this it will help reset the rules and you'll be able to be firmer over smaller stuff a lot more easily.

Don't go if you don't want to. Who will be looking after your DC? I have a sort of single friend like this. She still acts as though we're both free to do what we want at any time, so I've made myself very unavailable. My DH works shifts, so weekends are precious.

Realistically though, if you do go on this trip then you're going to be so stressed with driving that the resentment will spill out and she'll get an earful. I doubt she'll respond well to that, so if you go the friendship is effectively over anyway.

Even if you don't lash out, the level of pent-up resentment will be overwhelming for you and will not make you feel any better. I don't think you realise how stressful driving on a foreign country can be if you're doing it for the first time.

Overall it would be simpler to back out now, really. Fake a family emergency or operation or wedding or something, but CANCEL.

My DS will be with his dad from whom I've separated in the last few months. Holiday's not until August. I originally suggested to this friend that we could go away for a couple of days as I thought it would be nice to branch out a bit more having spent the last five years in a really stifling relationship where we never did anything.
I'm now quite upset that I'm going to be away from DS as long as this, it was never my plan and I can't believe I got railroaded into it, what an idiot. DS is only 3 (he'll be almost four then), I'm not BU thinking five days away from me is a lot am I?

Also how stressful is the driving likely to be? I'm really anxious about it. I feel so negative about this holiday but backing out would mean we'd both lose the money we spent on flights (well, she booked them, I'm paying her back this month).

Another example here. After booking the tickets she texted me to say 'I didn't get the optional travel insurance as I think I'm covered my my union'. So because she's covered she doesn't even bother to ask if I want it??

Five days away from your ds is a fair chunk of time for him. However it's five days in a lifetime. As long as your ex is a good father, looking after him for this amount of time will be fine - daddy time is important now he's not there everyday. At some stage he will quite possibly want to take your ds away on holiday and that may be even longer. I moved abroad in my twenties and drove by myself in big cities - I lived in 3 different countries and drove in Brussels and later Paris. That was pre sat nav and I wasn't great at map reading so I did get lost and I was very anxious at times. I'm quite an anxious person and I did it and I'm very proud I did. It was a great learning experience. I'm not saying you should though. The question is - do you think you will enjoy the holiday.

Just cancel the trip. You are an adult. You don't need to give lengthy explanations, get some balls.
You don't sound particularly bothered about her anyway so if she falls out with you then so be it.

The travel insurance thing is just another example of her thoughtlessness and her selfishness. I would not want to be abroad with someone like this. What if you are ill over there or something happens where you need help? I don't think it would even occur to her to step up. It's like she's operating at a much younger age than she is. It's like a teenage level of self-centredness and entitlement. For example, just expecting the driving to be done with no thought as to how that actually might be for the only driver.

OP, she does not consider your feelings at all. Why are you so concerned about hers? If you do cut her out, she will have no clue as to why you have. I can see why that would be very tempting by the way. I would not have been so accommodating. Cancel this trip. You'll just be throwing good money after bad. Write off cost of the flight.

Honestly, it's got disaster written all over it. You'll miss your boy, waste a ton of money and she'll take the piss in some way you can't even imagine yet. Just cut to the chase I would. Say no now; if she takes umbrage, well, she does. She would on holiday too, when things erupt because you can't stay quiet anymore. Hope it works out OP. People change, friendships are not always for ever. It's just the way it is.

Yabu to blame her for "making" you do things, and "railroading". Own your own decisions. Sounds like you need to work on your assertiveness.

Set boundaries and keep them. If she doesn't like it, she can decide what to do about that.

You need to learn to say no to this things, she can't make you do anything but equally you can't put all the blame on her if she doesn't know you're unhappy with the situation.

You can easily book your own travel insurance. Having heard about your reason for initially wanting to go on the holiday, I think on reflection a few days in Spain could be a good thing. I totally understand about the dread of missing your DC and of the driving, but it's not that long, your DC will be fine with your ex, and when you find that you're fine to do the driving then you could feel better, that you have indeed stretched yourself. This doesn't detract from the fact that this friend sounds unaware and thoughtless and might well get on your nerves if you don't start being more assertive. I would definitely read up on some techniques and start being assertive as of now, but I wouldn't cancel the holiday. Try not to worry about it till nearer the time and then have a blast! Sounds like you deserve it.

She does sound hard work. When someone's getting on my nerves, I try to only see them in a big group but perhaps that isn't an option for you.

Being asked to do something every weekend would drive me crackers.

Pinkdelight I'm in two minds, part of me agrees with you that it could be good for me and even in some ways that having a friend who pushes me outside my comfort zone at times isn't all bad. It's just that I'm finding it difficult to get over this building feeling of frustration about the way she behaves and that's partly what is making me now feel so negative about this holiday. I can see how it could be good but also really quite draining because of how she is.

I think I may still go, let go of the annoyance and focus on the positives, try and enjoy it and without being unpleasant make a deliberate policy of not spending the week doing things on her terms. And just distance myself in general and get used to saying no. A lot.

as DuckDeamon says you need to stand up for yourself more and own things, put our foot down and don't take no for an answer. If she still presses ahead then reconsider the friendship.

I've got close friends who I'm quite happy discussing travel etc with as we know we will all come to a compromise and it's not fair eg to make 1 or 2 people in the group drive if the others can't. Also the drivers (me included) have picked up the slack for the non drivers on day trips out.

I'd still go though as pinkdelight says have fun and enjoy yourself, it's too late to cancel now really. Just be firm about your plans with a young child etc in future! With me and my friends who have kids of course I take into consideration that school holidays etc they either go away and weekends often centre round birthdays etc. however one couple the DF has a demanding job which sometimes requires weekend work and the DM has leapt on me to come and visit for a day trip without him on train (or by car) as where I live has lovely farmers and other markets, very family friendly cafes and 2 gorgeous parks one with dinosaurs and playgrounds. So we make compromises!

I think your friend sounds unaware but equally you too aren't assertive. I do find with conflict between the two of you this can be sorted and probably save the friendship. Also remember if she's single and would like a partner and kids then some of her behaviour may stem from loneliness and wanting what you have. That is flattering in itself!

OP if you want to save or improve this friendship you really need to have a heart to heart with your friend over lunch or coffee. I think that could easily sort this out. Maybe even voice your concerns over the holiday.

I agree with everyone else - that this 'friend' is far too demanding, and you're definitely not being unreasonable. But I do feel slightly sorry for her though - if you're the friend she clings to, is this because you're her only friend and that she doesn't have much else going on in her life? I realise this isn't your problem, but it must be hard if all your friends have moved to the partner/starting a family stage, whilst you're still unhappily single.

Is there any tactful way you could suggest she expands her life, thus taking the pressure off you? In her position I'd find some voluntary work and/or try MeetUp.com

"I think I may still go, let go of the annoyance and focus on the positives, try and enjoy it and without being unpleasant make a deliberate policy of not spending the week doing things on her terms. And just distance myself in general and get used to saying no. A lot."

That sounds like an excellent plan! Definitely don't let her commandeer the holiday schedule and don't be drawn into chauffeuring. It's your holiday and her chance to learn to listen and compromise. Hopefully she'll get the message swiftly

I think a lot hinges on whether you wish to continue the friendship (or not) albeit in a reduced capacity.

Sort your own travel insurance. Try not to panic too much about the driving. After years of going, I recently started driving whilst abroad and whilst the first time was quite scary and nerve wracking, you'll be surprised how quickly you adjust. It's muscle memory and the reason why it feels so difficult to start with, is because you are doing everything on the 'wrong' side. But if you take it very slow and steady, you should be fine.

It's a bit easier if you have an adult passenger because you can rope them into helping with peripheral vision and spatial awareness. Parking and going round tight corners was odd at first, so having a passenger who could wind their window down and pop their head out to check the clearance, was useful. By day 3 I was on roundabouts and motorways and overtaking with the radio on full blast and not a care in the world. You'll be fine.

I'd go on the holiday, but if I wasn't comfortable driving I would say "I've decided not to drive, so we need to book a taxi", and look into buses that could take you to other places you want to visit.

Alternatively, if you give the driving a go, but hate it on the airport-villa drive, tell her that you aren't prepared to do any more driving on the holiday.

She does sound a bit 'much', but it also sounds like you aren't pushing back at all, so I think you need to start being more assertive if you want things to change.

Regarding the holiday, I think she's in the wrong regarding the car, and possibly not telling you about the other people not going- but if the holiday was your idea, might she have assumed that the others had told you they couldn't come? I don't think you can blame her for suggesting changing 3 days in France to 5 in Spain- if I had access to a Spanish villa I'd probably do the same thing. She won't know that additional nights away are a problem unless you tell her.

I hope that you have a lovely time if you do decide to go!

As others have said, if you keeping saying yes to her invitations then how is she to know that you aren't enjoying yourself? I completely sympathise with your situation as I've had 'demanding' friends myself in the past, but she may genuinely think that's she's helping you have an active social life and you might even be surprised if you heard her side of it.

I was in the middle of a sort-of-similar situation between two friends recently. I'll call them Rachel and Monica. Rachel was complaining to me that Monica was being too demanding on her time, like your friend. She said that Monica kept inviting her over for dinner regularly, and she was too polite to say no because she thought Monica was lonely and needed the company, but it was starting to get irritating because she's a busy person and can't keep making time to see just one friend.

A few days later I spoke to Monica and she told me she was starting to get a little upset with Rachel because she kept coming over for dinner, but never even said thank you, let alone offering to bring along some wine or a pudding or anything. Monica said she knew Rachel was having some financial troubles, and that was part of the reason she kept inviting her back - to make sure she could have a good meal once in a while - but that she was starting to feel taken for granted with Rachel just happy to turn up and eat her food without ever offering to reciprocate.

My point is, you seem to feel like you're doing this woman a favour by being friends with her, but there's a good chance she might feel the same way about you!

I'm undecided in my reaction to this thread: OP sets out her case that friend is in a different stage of life and is a tad selfish and demanding. Lots of advice ranging from gentle to not quite so gentle suggesting ways to stop being railroaded.

Outcome, OP is probably going ahead anyway.

Sigh. I really hope I don't know anyone like this in RL.

I have had RL friends like OP's friend and DH's friends can also be fairly pushy if they want to do stuff and get me involved, but am (now!) much more assertive than OP so usually only do stuff that works for me too. Obviously it's good to compromise too, but pushy types rarely do that in return!

A couple have persistently pushed and pushed about things, eg going on holiday or expensive events together, boozing lots, wanting to only do stuff they enjoy (and I don't) . And don't respond to usual simple assertiveness/explaining. I have taken big steps back from them!