AIBU to feel this friend is too demanding?

[honeyandmarmitesandwiches]

I've had this particular friend since we were at uni and she is a lovely person, but increasingly I'm finding her difficult to deal with. It's almost as though my liking for her is cancelled out by how much hard work she is.

The thing is that she is single and also not really terribly happy. I have a three year old DS and it seems like all her other friends are married, have kids or both and I do feel for her because I know it's hard when you're at a different stage of life etc, but the thing is she just doesn't seem to acknowledge that. I get invitations to 'do something' with her practically every weekend. She lives in London about a two hour journey away from me and to be fair she is happy to travel to me as much as vice versa, but I don't always want to be doing that either, tbh my weekends are usually spent trying to catch up with everything and recharge my batteries plus occasionally doing something sociable on a more local basis. I'm not the most extravert person in the world and I don't have tons of energy. I usually just can't face the whole rigmarole of meeting up, fine if it's every couple of months (maybe a bit more than that) but she asks me so often I feel guilty about it! I hate having to say no but it's like she doesn't have the same social rulebook that everyone else has, it's like dealing with a (nice) child in a lot of ways.

It just feels like she never considers things from anyone else's perspective and is always (in the nicest possible way) pushing the boundaries. I suggested going to France for a couple of nights, she wanted to go further afield and for longer so now it's four nights in Spain, with me doing all the driving. A couple of other people were going to be coming with us but when she booked the tickets she didn't mention until afterwards that they weren't coming. I think it was a genuine misunderstanding but the fact is, five days with just the two of us sounds like hard work and instead of looking forwards to it I'm quite stressed and resentful.

In some ways I just think that her expectations and what she wants from the friendship are very different to mine, and she is quite frustrating to be around because she seems to want more more more so we end up going out spending money etc when I wasn't planning to. This probably sounds quite petty and I am really fond of her but I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's at the point where I'm thinking about more or less cutting her off.

AIBU here? What should I do?

There are some people you just can't say no to, or rather won't take no for an answer. I've been there, had a friend just like this, she would turn up at my house unexpectedly and just expect me to drop everything and go off with her for the day. We are no longer friends.

Your friend sounds rather selfish. Maybe you could explain to her that you are just at different points in life right now and that your son comes first, your time is more precious now and you're not as footloose and fancy free as her.

As for the trip, it sounds like it's really stressing you out (it would stress me out too). Sit yourself down and think 'do I really want to do this' if the answer is out right no then tell your friend you're sorry but you've thought long and hard about it and you're not in a position to go. I'm a believer of eliminating anything that causes stress if you can, especially when you have DS to look after. It's not worth worrying over. Bite the bullet and tell her what YOU want, not what she wants you to do. Good Luck

Maybe you could explain to her that you are just at different points in life right now and that your son comes first, your time is more precious now and you're not as footloose and fancy free as her

Or you could just say "Fuck off, you unmarried, childless loser"

If she is insecure about the only one of her friends not being married, it would be incredibly cruel to rub it in. Just set some clear boundaries about the amount of time you can spend with her. And next time she does something to push the boundaries like the Spanish trip, pick her up on it and tell her it is unacceptable.

Well, I don't have kids and I wouldn't see it that way shiny.

I would assume that any mum of a 3 year old wasn't necessarily available much anyway, that her child came first, and that she wouldn't have a lot of time for me. Because I can see that I'm more "footloose" than others.

The friend sounds totally self absorbed.

As in, I wouldn't see it as calling someone a loser, sorry. That wasn't clear.

I wouldn't drive in Spain and I wouldn't leave my three year old for five days. But I would never agree to do either of those things anyway! You've got to learn to say no!!

I've had a look through some whatsapp messages between my friend and me, going back over the past few weeks which was quite illuminating. She's definitely been pushy but other posters are right in saying that it's also a lot about me being unassertive. I think subconsciously perhaps I feel I shouldn't have to be, because I know that if someone else expresses a mild aversion or inclination I'd do everything I could to accommodate it quite possibly at my own expense.
This has really made me view my behaviour in a clearer light actually. I tend to send out mixed signals as well because on the one hand I say what I think, then if someone pushes the issue at all I capitulate totally, then start to feel quite anxious/resentful/powerless and instead of dealing with it head on I let out my anger somewhere else and/or make increasingly unlikely excuses and back out at the last minute

So basically I need to start being a lot stronger and less apologetic about my wishes.

I'm going to speak to this friend at some point soon and as nicely as possible tell her how difficult I'm finding her behaviour and that we have very different needs. I can't lose really because this friendship has become so stressful, if she doesn't react well that will give me my cue to walk away and the ideal reason to cancel the trip.
If she does react well then we might be able to make things work and perhaps have a go at enjoying the holiday.

Re the drovibg in Spain op you'll be fine. In a terrible driver but can drive in Europe when I have to. The thing is your 'friend' must help you keep and eye out for signs (like speed limits, give ways etc), also to help you ensure you drive to the correct side of the road at junctions and not drift in your lane. She also will need to help you with your peripheral vision and checking clearances as a pp said. If she helps, and you must tell her she has to navigate and support in all the above ways, you'll be fine.

OP what I'd say is write this down or even with someone not involved role play it with them...

Then you don't offend each other and rather than blurt out stuff and get angry or she gets confrontational etc you can deflect it etc. or maybe even have a third party there (like a mediator) who won't take sides but will stop things getting too heated or you not speaking up etc.

Last year I had to have a chat with a friend (or was it the year before) it was very strange she kept on doing and saying things that made me feel really uncomfortable and it got to the point that when I mentioned it to my mum and brother (who are my harshest critics!) they thought she was being decidedly off and weird. So I arranged to meet her with 2 examples and although it went well by God it was awkward! It's made me realise (since seeing her alone) that though we like each other we don't have a lot in common, also another key thing for her was "space" as she was sharing a flat with a male friend of hers, she since has got her own rented flat. She now seems far happier and happier in herself emotionally (she found her male flatmate restrictive). But she was also jealous of me owning my own flat, freedom to have whom I wanted over etc and also my confidence with men compared to hers. Yet she has other good points I wanted!

You need to see the good points in her (and the bad) but also work out without the problems you have now - is she a good friend, is she kind, thoughtful, supportive, does she like your son etc? If those eg are qualities you want in a friend? If she meets some but not all qualities maybe you can compromise.

Whatever you do don't make it so that it'll be so stressful that you walk away from the holiday (which it seems you really want to do anyway) because if you do that based on the things you've told us so far, ok it sounds reasonable but if it were me, arranging to borrow the villa, booking flights etc. i wouldn't be happy at all that someone I'd thought was fine coming suddenly was not Fine coming!

Also, suggest things like meetup or learning to drive to her.

Keep us posted!

"Sorry but you're still not actually saying no, you can call her a selfish child but until you actually stand up for yourself you're being equally childish for agreeing to things and then moaning about them."

This.

You are enabling this. You say you care about her but you'd rather cut her off completely than learn how to say no?

You say you worry about refusing to do stuff because it might make her feel rejected - but you are seriously considering ending the friendship?

Just start putting boundaries in.

I'm sorry honey, just read your latest post, excellent plan. x

My DP is like you, OP. He doesn't say what he really thinks much, thinks he's been much clearer than he has been, then feels very cross and victimised for ages afterwards. There are lots of strengths to having this sort of personality but it would be much better for your blood pressure and your friendships if you can learn to say 'Not for me, sorry.' Be prepared for some surprised reactions though!

Just had an email from her to the people whose place we'll be staying in, suggesting that we should get together beforehand to discuss things like how to get there, water and gas and so on. So she says this in the email:

"I would like you to come along too, honeyandmarmite. I'm sure we can find a mutually convenient time between now and mid-August..."

AIBU to think she could have phrased this in a less rude and pushy way? I just find it quite rude, I'm ok with going but why say it like that?? Or is this just me being oversensitive?

Difficult to say if she's being rude or not; it could be a passive-aggressive dig but also just a statement of fact. Have you been busier than usual recently? Has she got snippy about this? If so then yes she is being an arse.

I have been busier than usual (from her pov I'm guessing). I've very recently separated from my partner and have made a conscious decision that I want to do things that are right for me and that doesn't include having her make constant demands on my time, so the last two weekends she's invited me to do something (literally the last two weekends we've had) I have nicely said I'm really busy, already got plans sorry etc but not counter-offered or gone into a lot of explanation which she is used to. I just can't do it anymore, it's exhausting. Clearly she's not happy about it!

Oh. In that case yep, she's being a bitch.

Aren't you just looking forward to an enforced holiday with her?!

Oh dear - this holiday could end up being a total chore and disaster that you ate longing for the end of, or just what you need to destress after you've had a lot going on in your life.

It will only be the latter if you tell her you're struggling with all the pressure you're feeling at the moment and that she's adding to it.

LaContessa yep, I'm thrilled beyond words about it

Btw don't know if I made it clear but the comment was addressed to me within an email that was primarily between her and these family friends (i.e. they will have seen me being given my orders there lol)

In that case I'd snap back a bit (gently):

Yes, I have been a bit less available recently haven't I! I just really needed some time to myself - it's been really good to just stop moving for a bit. But yes, I think we can set a time to meet up before August, haha.

Note the COMPLETE LACK OF APOLOGY above.

Id be inclined to thank her for pointing out what I (thats you) had been too busy to see, which is how i have totally overcommitted myself to different things. It's best that i pull out if this holiday now before my behaviour causes more problems for everyone involved. Thank you for the invitation and thanks again for the insight.

Sorted.

Reply to the thread, too, so everyone is clear that you aren't going in the holiday, so she can't guilt you inti changing your mind. Oh, and stick to it and be clearer about what you want in future. You will find the good people around you appreciate you and also find that it provides a shield from the users.

Hm I think that it sounds like you've reached a difficult point in the friendship when everything she does annoys you. I don't think that the line from that last email was rude, pushy or passive aggressive at all. I doubt you would have been offended by it if it had come from someone else. If you don't want to meet these people just ask her if she'll do it (assuming you're not cancelling the holiday).

About the holiday, it probably is a bad idea to go, as you seem to resent her a lot, but I think you should take responsibility for the fact that you agreed to go with her and are going to be disappointing her by dropping out. She should have contacted you after the others dropped out and not wanting to drive is a perfectly reasonable reason not to go.

But I don't think she's acted horribly and you haven't even mentioned to her that you're unhappy about the driving - you can always look into getting public transport for some of the way, doing carsharing (common in Spain and Italy), getting a taxi, staying somewhere different etc. You can't complain about her being entitled before she even knows there's a problem.

You should cancel the holiday if you don't want to go but you're going to have to reimburse her so she's not out of pocket, and you'll probably upset her too.

Like your style LaComtessa.

I think it's PA yes.

I wouldn't reply snarkily; people will be drawing their own conclusions about her rudeness.

I'd say "yes hopefully I can come along - but if not let's fix things up by email. Looking forward to it!"

And then I'd back the hell away from her friendship and let it die slowly over time. But that's just me!

Hm I think that it sounds like you've reached a difficult point in the friendship when everything she does annoys you

YY!!!!

In the nicest possible way, friends who say yes to something, and then moan to others afterwards, are incredibly frustrating. You are expecting her to magically see your point of view, without you actually telling her how you feel.

Also I have friends I see every week, I do not consider them demanding. Once every few months is a long time. That is 6 times a year. I do see people that infrequently, but I would not consider them close friends.