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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting annoyed with this mum

73 replies

mummatucker · 04/05/2016 12:30

A fellow mother in our small town has been getting on my nerves recently and has done again today, I'm supposed to be seeing her again in a group tomorrow but I feel like I just want to steer clear. We both go to some of the same activities so it's tricky. Babies are 10 months.

A few weeks ago she came round with some other mums and babies to play at our house, I was making tea but I heard her tell DS not to touch her DD and came back into the room just in time to see her sort of tap his hand - to tell him off. Apparently he's touched her baby's face. This has since really pissed me off to be honest. Since then there's been a couple of times where she's admonished DS, it annoys me but I don't know what to say. She's commented that my son is 'a little bruiser' or if he's cried when another baby has taken what he's playing with (as babies do) that they're 'crocodile tears'. Today after swimming, her DD was trying to pull herself up on DS as I was trying to dry his hair, I said 'oh careful' in a very mild tone and she said 'oh (DD's name) go on, he can take it!'

Ive come home and this has really, really annoyed me. What can I say to stop this happening? I hate this idea some mums subscribe to that baby boys are rough and girls should be treated like princesses.

OP posts:
BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 04/05/2016 12:33

Tell her to stop being such an irritating twat.

MattDillonsPants · 04/05/2016 12:35

Oh YANBU and I'd ignore her. Avoid her!

It may not be to do with the baby's sex but to do with your DS being a bit older. Is it her first?

When you have just the one, even slightly bigger babies and toddlers seem ENORMOUS and capable.

When my DD was 12 months, my sister's twins were 24 months and they'd take things from her etc and I was OUTRAGED because I thought they should "know better"

Blush

It;s PFB blindness a lot.

I would NOT tolerate her tapping his hand though! I think you should have said something.

Don't miss out because of her...but stand up for DS by laughing at her a bit...if she says something say "Oh don't worry! Your DD is more than capable!" and laugh. She sounds silly.

How old are both babies?

Rolypolybabies · 04/05/2016 12:40

She sounds quite sexist

Original poster
mummatucker · 04/05/2016 12:45

Actually, hers is slightly older, a couple of months. Mine is 10 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummatucker · 04/05/2016 12:47

I wish I'd said something about the hand tapping. I've never done that to him. DH recons it's just her sense of humour Hmm

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 04/05/2016 12:48

I do think that you have to say something each and every time, maybe just mildly mention it and carry on as if nothing has happened. If she says anything then just ask her how she thinks you should all move on with it. Is it ok to admonish each others babies or not? Once the "rules" have been established then stick to them and pull her up everytime.

AmysTiara · 04/05/2016 12:50

She sounds awful. Keep your child away from her.

MLGs · 04/05/2016 12:51

You have to say something to her when it happens i think.

At first blush it looks like she is being incredibly sexist, I agree.

MattDillonsPants · 04/05/2016 12:53

Her DD is older! She sounds a total twat then. Sexist. Definitely say something if she is rude again and if she DARES to "tap" your son's hand say

Keep your hands OFF my son! I don't do that to him and you're not to either!

And don't feel you have to apologise for it either. Anyone who sides with her is not worth knowing.

Youarenotkiddingme · 04/05/2016 12:56

Gosh she does sound like hard work. and a twat!

I like the idea of laughing at her.

my favourite game with people like is is repeating as many as their stupid comments back at them with the gpbiggest smile and lightest tone and then carrying on the conversation.

I suspect the other mums are on your side - but don't speak up because they don't want to become her target. I bet once you start standing up to her they will back you up.

Also why not invite the other mums round and not her. Get friendly with them - they may be more grateful than you realise!

KERALA1 · 04/05/2016 13:07

YANBU.

I had an ex mum friend who when her son (about 3) repeatedly lamped my DD (about 4) instead of doing anything about would laugh and say "come on you're ok great big girl like you" etc etc.

Really annoyed me actually, yes he was a year or so younger and small children hit but didnt mean he should be able to get away with bashing slightly older children at will and his mother do nothing about it. Felt like victim blaming to me and poor DD was really confused that she was being hit and the adult supposedly in charge wasn't stopping it.

TooGood2BeFalse · 04/05/2016 13:22

Ugh we frequently had a similar thing with a woman at DS's baby group when he was little. He was and still is very large for his age ( now at just turned 4, 5-6 year old clothes don't fit him, massive feet...still got a baby face though :-) )

Anyway, this lady seemed to ALWAYS be on the lookout for this 'giant' child of mine to knock or push into her son, who was almost the same age bar a few weeks but much much smaller. Think 'oh gosh, be CAREFUL Jeremy! BabyTooGood is right there, you don't want to get hurt!' 'Oh dear, BabyTooGood, you accidentally stepped on Jeremy with your big boy feet, there there Jeremy'. And if anybody hurt or snatched off my son, it would be 'Oh, you'll be ok, you're a BIG brave boy and so-and-so is only little.' Sounds so insignificant, but it was every 5 minutes!

I could understand a bit more if my DS had been a boisterous kind of baby, but he was very placid and gentle the good old days.

Anyway, I don't think I handled it particularly gracefully, I do believe I retreated into school-girl dirty looks and a few snappy comments (I blame the tiredness for my immaturity). I can't remember now which one of us left the group first, but either way the icy silence and her completely ignoring DS was much easier for me to deal with..

Can't believe she tapped your son's hand though! She definitely needs a firm 'Please don't do that!' if you see her do it again - it's probably a bit late now to bring it up. Don't let her get away with anything, I like MattDillions suggestion - 'Your DD is more than capable'.

BillBrysonsBeard · 04/05/2016 13:33

She sounds like a nightmare. She has clearly decided your son is a certain way and will continue to be ready to tell him off if he just touches her. I would just take your DS to activities on your own, save yourself the stress. I go everywhere on my own with DS and it's great, we do what we want and it's good bonding time.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 04/05/2016 13:36

I have a very good friend who does this. She is very PFB about her DD who is always prone to crying over nothing and getting attention/sweets/treats, so everything my DS did was 'boisterous' or 'typical boy' or 'scallywag' behaviour! He definitely isn't any of those things - DS is a very small boy, who enjoys reading and playing card games. He certainly isn't a scallywag!

Anyway, I eventually lost it after one of these comments and I can't remember exactly but said something like "its not my fault you are raising a wimp". It hasn't been mentioned since but the comments stopped!

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 04/05/2016 13:38

And if I caught someone tapping my sons hand I think I'd have said something a bit firmer, probably with four letters!

CaptainCrunch · 04/05/2016 13:54

The hand tapping would be a deal breaker for me. I'd have to say something like "don't put your hands on my son again" in a very firm tone so she knew you were serious.

Original poster
mummatucker · 04/05/2016 13:55

She IS a twat and if I didn't have a baby she isn't someone I would prob come into contact with at all. Every time I see her without fail she says something along the lines of 'are you ok? You look really fed up' or the other day 'how are things, I really hope they're looking up...?'

It really confuses me and I can't come up with a come back quick enough. I'm fine! I don't even think I look fed up!

But being an arse with my baby annoys the hell out of me and I need to get my act together and learn how to stand up for him!

OP posts:
Blossom591 · 04/05/2016 13:56

Oh god this pisses me off so much. Dis is now 12 but I was in a group of mums with delicate dd's it was so grating I stopped seeing them, my suggestion would be the same! Revel in his boy-ness BOYS ARE FAB!
(One time I popped out the room to the loo and afore mentioned mums said they'd keep an eye on him, I came back and they'd put reigns on him!!!! they just couldn't cope with anything but a adelicate little dumpling plopped on their lap all day Grin) pity them

Blossom591 · 04/05/2016 13:57

Well you probably do look fed up - to see her!
Avoid avoid

PinkBallerina · 04/05/2016 14:20

Avoid avoid avoid. I've been in your situation before. It didn't improve. Infact she got more and more controlling. It may not seem much like it now but i think that that is what she is trying to do - control you. Your defences are down and you are, like pretty much every other mum, a bit vulnerable right now.

She wants to control your emotions, make you doubt you know how to handle your child, make you feel as if your life isn't great, make problems for you that aren't really there, make you want to wish you had a DD rather than a DS (possibly her own subconcious thoughts).

Janecc · 04/05/2016 14:38

A mother completely wrote my DD off at 2.5 years. My friend asked this mother and her ds over only to be told she would come as long as my DD wasn't there. My chin hit the floor. There was no reason. She's always been vivacious and fun loving and kind. A bit bossy maybe but really she was 2.5. Needless to say, her friendship with my Friend didn't last long.
Some people are wierd and in your position I would definitely say something. Don't know if I'd have the nerve but what about "are you ok, you're looking fed up". "Yes I'll get over it, you're leaving soon, aren't you". (Big smile and giggle so she doesnt know if you're serious or not). It is really difficult to talk about her to the others in the group and at some stage you are going to have to put her in her place if you want to continue to frequent the other mummies. I loved our little group of mummies meeting up all the time.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/05/2016 14:45

Learn some some backs and practise so you can use them.

Oh and I may think about grabbing and tapping her hand every time she acts out (not really because I'm not a fool but the image is funny)

ifgrandmahadawilly · 04/05/2016 15:07

She sounds like a massive tit. The hand 'tapping' would make me see red.

123lekl · 04/05/2016 15:12

YADNBU (this post has made me Angry)
I'd avoid her as she obviously has an issue and I'm actually quite sad that she's making you so sad.
A 10 month old baby can't be boisterous, a bruiser or cry crocodile tears (FFS!!!) and the idea of a boy being able to 'take it' is terrible.
Sounds like she has PFB princess and you and your lovely boy are better off spending time with people who love and respect you both Flowers

KERALA1 · 04/05/2016 15:35

Crocodile tears FFS. Sounds like the loons I used to work with. Went to a sleep training thing and these high powered city workers were asking the childcare expert how to deal with their babies "blackmailing" them because they cried when left in their nurseries.

So ignorant and well, thick, to ascribe relatively complex behaviours to BABIES.